My life is going at 80 miles an hour,
My head is going at 100 miles an hour,
and my heart is stopped.
It has not worked in years;
I exist as a walking cliché- a suit of my profession;
I have not loved in years, I do not feel,
except for jealousy because the ******* the bus has prettier wrists than I do,
and shame because I let my boyfriend shout at me and said nothing;
and I feel lost because I made it
to where I wanted to be
ten years ago.

There was once a normal girl
With normal friends in a normal school
This little girl was happy as can be
Knowing not that her fate was cruel

She found a lump on her collar bone
Smiled, oblivious, as a stone,
Doctor said: "Emergency!"
"Oh well," thought she, "How bad can it be?"

For all her life she'd known no harm
Sweet as chocolate, in a happy farm
Young and laying in mother's arm
Innocent.

But this little girl was smart.
And laying in a hospital bed with her eyes all red
and a lump in her throat and a lump in her neck
She prayed to God - no thanked him! -
For this wasn't Aids! or Cancer!
...Thought she... it couldn't, was it?

After lots of needles and many a test,
This little girl was allowed to rest
Until doctor came in with her mum and her dad
And an expression as emotionless as it can get

He led her to a new ward with walls painted bright
And told her everything was going to be allright
- still with the emotionless expression on his face
But with as much gentleness as he could fake.

Cancer. Crying. Bald, and Ache.
Eye of toad and tongue of snake
Doctors, nurses. Sleep and wake.
Salt on wound. Poison (Chemo)
Shake.

But that story's old now
No one likes it anymore
5 years later I lay here
a shadow on the floor

And now's when I should thank him,
Now that "It's all gone"
But I guess one thank you is enough
for god's ironic plans.

Here lays another normal girl
With normal friends in a normal school
Not even close to happy is she
For no one understands.

Can you believe it? They were right.
It does get better.
But they left out an important detail-
It gets worse again.
It comes and goes in waves of terror and relief
And the broken you who survived on the promise
That it gets better
Has to ride through the waves, again and again.
I wonder what is easier
Sinking numbly, or struggling to float.

A mistake along the way,
Somewhere, lost at sea,
There are many men who thought they found it-
Fixed it - But none but he;

Could with a look that begs of honesty
Trust and love and shame,
Fix me up with butterfly stitches-
He was not the same;

But as he turned around to leave
His finger caught my stitch-
And oh!- how quick the blood gushed out
No time for just a twitch;

So here lies open and ashamed,
Here lies love so ****** stained,
Here lie lies that protect the heart
From protection, care and a new start;

Either that or it's delusion:
That may also be,
Is it denial or fate that rejects that
It's a big possibility?

That this is not a story
Of Love, a hero and a damsel in distress.
But this is just a story
Of Poems, a liar and a big fat mess.

It's been five years
So why do I still wonder?
Why do I still stay up at night?
Why do I lie here and ponder
the possibility?
If it's been five years,
and you're happy now
and I am too, at least in some ways
So why do I still dream?
Is it obsession that draws me;
Is it the questions and what ifs;
Or is it more than honest motives?
Or is it just the aftermath of
How much you broke me
That it's been five years
Yet it still hurts.

Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-Flip, Flop-Flop.
Flip. Flop.
Flip. Flop.
Flip.

Passers by
We've barely scratched the surface
Dug deep into the ground
To find no water
No diamonds, just rock
A solid foundation surely
But this is not all I am
There is water there and I want you to see it
We've made ripples before but that's not enough
I want waves, tides and splashes
But all there is is rock
and death
and ashes.