"sorry to interrupt your alone time...
but heres cleaning stuff for the bathroom."

i could just go downstairs
look you in the eyes
and open my mouth
smile, speak, anything
i could just get next to you
and sit down in triumph
for having proved myself wrong
and have a conversation
about anything you want
i could just get my nose
out of my book
tearing my eyes away from the words
that offer me an excuse to be alone
and show you that i know
youre more important
i could prove to myself that i am STRONG
and i CAN try
i could just try...
just...
but i dont.
instead
im sitting in the dark
(i cant see anything)
eating mac n cheese
and thinking about how much i want you
alone with my
comfort food and comfort thoughts
because i could and i should but i cant
......but im deseperate...

my room is perfect
just me, my plants, and my lasagna.
the perfect song plays in the background and i hear footsteps up the stairs
normally i can tell who it is by the way it sounds
but i dont recognize the rhythm
huh. weird.
just as im wiping sauce off my face i look up
ohmygoditsyouandyourestandingrightthereohmygodyourelookingatm­e
and at the delicious red mess all over my face.
a million questions race through my head:
why is he here
why is he just standing there
why is he smiling
why wont he look away from me
"that smells really good"
what the heck does that mean
quick, say something cute!!!!
"ha yah its my favorite"
i said cute, you idiot, what the **** was that
p.s. dont forget to breathe
"can i come in? your room is really cool..."
he walks in and looks around.
ohmygodhesinmyroom
"thanks. its like my little bubble of peace and good vibes and contentment..."
stop rambling
"thats cool. woah... theres like, plants everywhere"
"yah, i really like plants. how theyre so green and how they grow..."
he looks at me.
ohmygod he thinks im a total ******
"theyre everywhere... its really beautiful"
he looks at me.
BREATHE
"so what are you doing here?"
"I was just on my way to work and passed by and, well..."
he looks down, blushes and smiles. he looks up at me.
"i saw your light was on, so i figured id say hi. and ive... never actually seen your room before so..."
I smile at him, and for once, my mind is quiet.
"i should go. ill be late..."
he turns to leave.
"hey, thanks for stopping by! its so nice to see you..."
silence. eye contact.
offer to-
"do you want some lasagna? you know, to take with you?"
-or that
he smiles and laughs. my heart swells.
"that's okay. but-"
i smile again.
"could i come by for dinner sometime?"
YES YES YES YES-
i say calmly, "of course. stop by anytime"
silence. more eye contact.
"bye"
"see you soon"
...
*AAAAHHHGGGKJLKJDLIIXB

music is my only caress
they say im too young to desire so strong
i say they're too old to remember
how the passion burns inside you
and then the anger
when you realize how impossible it is
im too small and too tangled in expectations
to be held by a stanger

miscommunication
pent up tension
my sadness, your madness
and now I'm here
criss crossed on the concrete
so cold it stings
scraping my mistake off your precious stones