I didn't believe in heaven until I realized this is it.


I was absent from truly living,
But then my light was lit.


With the cactus I've found that everything is divine. Nothing is good, nothing is bad
It's all perfectly designed.

I've felt the beauty of life when I drank mushroom tea.
Learned that I am everything and everything is me.

I met people whose paths I was destined to cross, and learned soul mates can come in more forms than I thought.


In the desert I felt connected to all things High. From life, through death, I saw it in the sky.


The Mountains, the Moon, the Desert, Me.

All
One Consciousness,
One God,

One Energy.


I didn't believe in heaven until I realized this is it.


How blessed it is,
I will never forget.

It's so easy to live life in fear.

To stay comfortable.

To not take any risks.

To hold on to people as tight as you can in hopes that you'll never lose them.


But when you live life like this, you aren't actually living.


Experience new things. By yourself and with the people that you love.

Hold those people close, but realize that they need to live their own lives, too.

You'll never know what could've happened all the times you've said no.

So get uncomfortable, be afraid. That's how the best memories are made.

I want to fall in love with the trees the way I fell in love with his body.

I want to fall in love with the wind the way I fell in love with his laugh.

I want to fall in love with the rivers the way I fell in love with his veins.

I want to fall in love with the stars the way I fell in love with his eyes.


I want to fall in love with myself the way he fell in love with me.

My problem is that I feel too much.


When I was 14 I thought I loved a boy who cared nothing about me. I felt so much and didn't know how to handle it, so I began to cut.

When I cut it was the first time that I had control over what I felt, and it helped.


When I was 15 I fell in love with a boy who cared about me more than anything in the world.

I learned that there are better ways to be in control of what I felt, and I started writing poetry.


Now that I'm 19, and me and that boy have grown up, we've broken our own hearts by being so unsure with the world.


And I feel way too much.


More than when I thought I was in love the first time, more than when I knew I was in love the second.


My body is overcome by everything it feels.
My ******* turn into sobs.
My sobs turn into laughter.


Poetry helps, but not enough.


I haven't been eating enough, because by not eating I regain some control.


But I need something. I know there is something that is missing.


*And I'm going to find it.

Every time he told me I was beautiful, every time he reminded me how strong I was, every time he held me when I cried,

he was planting seeds.

Planting the seeds to help me bloom into the beautiful flower that I'm supposed to be.

Right now I'm a stem. I have a few leaves over here, and a few dead ones over there.

But it's time to bloom.

Into a beautiful flower, who glistens in the rain, and shines in the sun.

A flower who needs nothing but the earth to keep it alive.

A flower who needs to believe in itself in order to thrive.

I had his things packed, waiting for him to come take them, waiting for the last time I'd see him.

I looked out the window and saw that the sky had grown cloudy. Just like the day we started dating, I thought.

And then I thought the clouds were there so that we could end it the way we started it.

But, my love. I was wrong.

We cried. And cried. And decided we needed to go to the river. At least one last memory together.

I needed one more memory.

But as we drove, it started to rain. Of course. But the rain never stopped us in the beginning, why would it stop us now?

We parked. And kissed. And then hands moved to the places they tend to go, and moans escaped my trembling lips.

We walked down towards the river, rain pouring down on us.

We got high.

And that's when I realized.

I realized that the clouds didn't come to end us the way we started.

They came to give us a new start. A new beginning, a new life together.

Filled with nothing but love. And growing closer together and being happy together.

Standing under the trees trying to hide from the rain, it reminded me of the day we first started dating.

I felt the same way. The same hope, the same happiness, the same feeling.

The feeling that I was right where I needed to be.

That I was *home.