I’m self aware & mentally ill
I am overwhelmed by the emotions I’ve suppressed for so long
Being in my relationship with this amazing woman who only asks for love and to not be taken for granted has opened my eyes to everything I’ve blocked and tucked away
My counselor says that I was misdiagnosed, I do have ADHD and also Autism.
I’ve masked my innocence and my loving nature with the benefits of my first diagnosis.
I’ve learned to become a narcissist,
I’ve learned to become what I’ve always tried to protect myself from
And my relationship is suffering as the result of my defensive mode
I am now overwhelmed with the emotions that I’ve constantly called my weakness when they are my strengths as I learn to control them
I hope everyday she sees how much I’ve put into this daily fight
The hardest part of my everyday routine is waking up and feeling everything at once
The heartbreaking part is when my response to protect myself from being hurt is reacting in anger and seeing her hurting
I yelled rather than taking time to calm myself
I went silent before I communicated that I can’t process the battering ram of emotions that crush my chest
My counselor told me that I can do this,
My girlfriend says she loves me and I see that she is patient and also that she could leave because her happiness is what’s important
I can do this.
I am not a bad person.
I am not a narcissist
I am not a bad person.
I am good enough
I can win this fight
I can learn to love me again
I can be free to be happy again
I am going to be okay
I will win this battle against my mental illness
I will learn hope to cope and become a better person
I can and I will

My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...

I have to lose her to make it work

It was then,

That I felt truly
Absolutely
Alone

There is no one to hear my pain
And I am only to Blame
I accept the undying honesty that I have only myself to blame
So thunder cracks
And I bid my last farewell

If I wanted to, I have the power to burn the world down
If I wanted to, I have the ability to wreak havoc and chaos
I am sadness too far gone to the point where anger is all that is left
I am exhausted
Yet for the first time I am using the anger to become something more
Growing is painful
There are a lot of unanswered questions
Yet I stand here knowing that the world is mine
And everyone who’s doubted me and insulted me, will one day taste their words turned to ashes in their mouths
I am ambition,
I will not be stopped this time
I am coming for everything I deserve and more

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...