Sometimes I wonder if I ever  knew my mother at all
Growing up I thought I knew her better than anyone
I was naive, I thought she loved me
No strings attached, even with my flaws
Which there were many
She seemed so loving in my earliest childhood years
Soothing my ever constant fears of being alone
It was hard growing up alone, with her
When she was there, then suddenly she  disappeared
Never to be the same mother, I had come to know
The weak fragile mother who needed me to comfort her
Sit with her while she drank her morning coffee
Who soaped my crazy hair as a baby in the kitchen sink
She was a mother, the only one I had ever known
Who became distant and uncaring when I began to mature
“He didn’t do that to you”
“I don’t believe you?’
“Why would he touch you?”
He was her husband
Her love
Mine wasn’t good enough
Remembering the woman I thought I knew is one of the hardest things I will have to do
Especially when she was the one person I was supposed to look up to
To be like her
Painless, unfeeling
Bury it deep so you never feel it
Ignore the problems and they’ll go away
No
That’s Her
Not me

No
I was scared
She doesn’t get the right to say that when all she didn’t do anything
Scared, She didn’t know what our fear was like
Growing up in silence
Evergreen hiding the worlds view from what was really going on
Sunk back in her lawn chair while we got beat
Silence was our worst enemy
The worst memory of her
No one would have heard us anyway
Trapped deep in a wildwood of tears and heartache
But you, Momma you could never see
Never hear our screams
You never heard me crying on the bathroom floor the day I attempted suicide
Fifteen years old
What were doing when you were my age, Momma?
Were you going to the mall, and driving around with your friends?
I bet you weren't being molested by your mother’s husband, were you?
You have no idea how scared, my sister and I were
Because the bottom line is, we got it worse than you did
And you never tried to help
Even though we were children
Your children
You heard our screams and ignored us
So you can throw as many pity parties as you want Momma
No one will hear you
Now that you’re alone

Every year I forget how much I hate fireworks
The pop and bang, blinking as fast as I can
Like closing my eyes will make the sound go away
It won’t you know that fact too well
No one has ever been able to figure out why you hate loud noises so much
You were never in the military
You’ve never been around bombs
Just the explosion that was your childhood
Every word, every screamed silence you made into your pillow when no sound came out
Every slap of ice stained teeth gritting against the broken promises spewn
Pounding marble countertops so hard you thought you would fall down
Every “I Hate you”
“Don't leave me”
When you just wanted them to breakup
Even though you should have never been involved
Because you were a child and children should never play with the deadly match of a distinguished marriage
No child should ever have to worry about that because it’s out of their mind capacity
They don’t know when too much is time to stop
When the fuse might burn their hands
If they’re not careful
No-one stopped to take care of the bleeding wound that resulted
Your pain wasn't as relative as theirs
An ongoing struggle in the battle of “I'm right, you're wrong”
Let’s work this out
Go away
That fire can burn a hole through your heart if you let it
Good thing mine is completely cold

Momma, let me see your teeth
All I’ve seen is your frown
Did he turn your world upsidedown
He told you he would change everything
That you’d never be scared or sad again
Is that why he’s the only one who gets to see you happy?
Is that why you rather spend a lifetime with him than a moment with me?
Because you’re shackled to him, with the love you thought would set you free
He was right about one thing, everything did change
You’re not my momma anymore
You don’t care that my heart is broken
You give me reasons to cry
We said our goodbyes in a courtroom
Everyone said you looked like a battered women
But I couldn’t see that staring at you sitting next to his family
The same family who never accepted you
You were scared of him, I know Momma
But did you ever stop to think of how scared I was?
I was a little girl and I trusted him
He took advantage of me right under your nose
And you believed him when I finally told you
Sometimes I wonder what I did for you not to love me anymore
What happened to the Momma who needed me?
Who tucked me into bed and read me stories
Dressed up on Halloween just to surprise me
She’s gone, so is her smile
At least for me

Hating yourself isn’t poetry
The title of a playlist with indie pop music says
If that’s true then I’m not a poet
These aren't poems but declarations of my demise
I have never written anything truly special
Just my feelings, I wish I was special
Writing something that doesn’t start with the word I
I don’t want to be like this anymore
What’s wrong with me?
Why does everyone leave
Feelings are old
Frosted over, delayed
Am I a real poet?
Or do I just market off of my pain
Do I trap people in a pool of pity
With my rhyming diary entries
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it
If it’s helping
I hope it is

Am I crazy?
Why do I feel like this
Everyday

I could write a song about all the syrupy soft words that poured down each boy’s chin
I could write a novel about every time I believed them and wanted them
Daydreamed about what it’d be like, me and him
Cried about how no one ever wants me
When they take back the affection I so desperately craved
It’s okay I guess I’m just crazy
Overzealous, jealous
Wanting things I’ll never have
When the first man who ever left me
Was my daddy
But that doesn’t matter
Hasn't bothered me
Anymore...
I’m just too much I guess
For everybody