20 years
Of pain
Of joy
Of life

Out of the teens
And into “adulting”
As the kids say these days

What is adulting?
Aren’t I doing it already?
I’ve had to mature
People call me “wise beyond my years”

My story
My journey
Influenced by cancer
But not defined by it
Because I am more
Than my diagnosis
Ever could be

5 years since
My cancer diagnosis
5 years since
My cancer journey
Started
Oh how wonderful it feels to say 5 years
Not 4, 3, 2, or 1
But 5

As I grow into being an adult
I think back on my life before
Cancer
Before
Next Step
And I’m grateful
For who I’ve become
And who I am growing to be

I wanted to fit in
To be a normal girl
To be the best
To be the greatest
To be a star

I lived for years like that
Wanting to be something
Thinking I was lame
Thinking I was
Abnormal

Then something changed
I had a life changer
That experience showed me
Something that I never could have learned
On my own
From anyone's teachings
I learned

It's great to be different
Everyone's abnormal
Stop trying to fit in
Start trying to be
Outside the box

Just stop being the same
You are unique
You are magical
Wonderful
You are

Now I realize that
I realize that
And now I'm being
Myself

Abnormal
Being abnormal
Is the greatest thing
You could be

Sitting with my dad
Next to the fireplace on chilly nights.
Headbandz creates a comical competition.

My dad dances awkwardly.
I laugh and show him my moves.
Repeat.

I will miss these moments,
When I am off to college
Next year.

Cancer:
The all time silencer
It should win a medal
For best bully of the year
No, not a kid at recess
The award goes to
Cancer

I have always been
Someone who cares more
About other people’s feelings
Rather than mine
I was growing out of this
But then
Cancer happened

It silenced me
Drove me to tears
Took away my feelings
My personality
Myself

No
Not anymore

Radiation treatment
Hurt as soon as I got off the table.
Music therapy suffocated the painful noise.

A pearl of sweat dripped off my forehead
But then a nurse asked,
“What music would you like to listen to?”
A tense grip on my cane suddenly relaxed.

I go to chorus,
I sing with abandon,
While I forget the math test I just took.

On the first day of treatment
I walked into the office.
My mouth was dry.
My mom held my hand
Yet I still shook.

Going into the radiation room,
A huge machine with all these lights.
It looked like a disco ball,
But this was not a dance.

I lie down on my back and then my stomach.
Doctors put stickers on my back
I felt like the donkey in pin-the-tail.

The world is a lonely place
No where to turn
No where to hide
So much going on
How do we fix it?

Take a look around
Our country falling apart
So it seems
Shootings and other things
What do we do?

Turn to God
He is the one
He is the one who can help us
Believe in him
And we'll find
Peace and harmony
Peace and harmony

When you look around
On the news
In magazines
What do you see?
Negativeness
No positivity
What do we need?

Turn to God
He is the one
He is the one who can help us
Believe in him
And we'll find
Peace and harmony
Peace and harmony

The answer is very simple
The answer is very simple
Turn to God
Believe in him and pray


Turn to God
He is the one
He is the one who can help us
Believe in him
And we'll find
Peace and harmony
Peace and harmony

The ocean sparkles in the sun,
An empty dory sits quietly on its mooring.
Shifting slightly in the breeze,
But it does not stray.

No clouds in the sky.
A quiet dirt road made from still pebbles and rocks,
Momentarily interrupted only by my steps.

Stillness so loud,
Accompanied only by a quiet breeze,
Which instructs the lupins to silently wave to me.
They are excited by my presence.

A gull caws above me,
Shattering the stillness for a moment.
Its shadow glides over me,
I can almost hear it fly away.

Taking on the world
One step at a time
Stating my feelings
Taking control

I used to be silenced
By the bully
Known as cancer
But no
Not Now
Not Ever Again

You think you're so tough
You think you can silence
A girl who has a dream?
Well ha think again
I'm stronger than ever
It's my time to finally
Be me

I'm ready to shine
I'm ready to sing
I'm ready to do my thing

Express your feelings
Be yourself
No matter what people think

You are special
You are a champion
Le'ts take on the world
Together

The machine
Full of power
And
Strength

The machine
As I lay down my head
And ponder

The machine
Nurses help me lay down
Because they know
My body is weak
Compared to the machine

The machine
Known for only one task
The MRI
For which I become fearful of
The days before

The machine
I know I am fearful
But I am also strong
I step up to this massive creature
With pride and
Courage

The machine
I go into this time vortex
For hours upon hours
Bang bang bang
This life is a battlefield

The machine
Is not silent
But loud
It reflects my past
And my future

The machine
Reminds me of struggles
But also of the future
That I am so lucky to have
In front of me

Waiting for sunrise
Waiting for sunset
Waiting for God to answer my prayers

Waiting for love
In all the wrong places
While I go about
My daily routine

Brush my hair
Eat breakfast
Go to class
Repeat
Whilst I wait for adventure
Something sweet


Waiting for guidance
Waiting for answers
Waiting for a voice to answer me back
As I pray and pray
Hoping for change

Waiting for MRI results
From the oh so holy Doctor
Doctor Doctor please tell me
What does my future hold

You wait for days on end to
Tell me
As these thoughts swirl around
In my head
Will I be alright?
Is the tumor back?
Will I need another surgery?
More radiation?
Another punch in the throat?
Hmmm what will it be?
Will I die?

But really
Why should I wait
There's a whole world out there
With my name on it
All I need to do is
Stop waiting