why even write

                         I don't need to explain.

I watch the windowpain,
I  dip into a black sun.

what the **** is the problem,

yu drive me home ******* 6 times? and call me a ******* sweetheart and you're too busy? just to spend a little ******* time ? you dumb ****? I ******* hate you and hope you ******* burn in hell after I cut your ******* head off you ******* *****

                               took a shower,

laid in bed,
drinking some JD I don't care.

first time in about year,
I 'm boring and have no vices.         life is boring .
                     I should have
been

a killer,
I would have respect.

                                 I  don't need                                              

this           any                                                 more


heart
like                           solid ice

It doesn't hurt

dont send the letters

don't send the smiley faces
don't send the thumbs up

don't send the 'yes'
or the 'no'

jump off the bridge and dive in the lake and blow up in the sun.

junior
has glasses
and he spells
sugar

S U G A R

sugar,
like god. like satan, like the immortal ghost.
who hasn't
dreamed of fire?

satan please forgive me.

''I love nothing"

but you are nothing. questions and more answers. only answers for your questions. there are no more
secrets.
there are no more
consonants.

there are only constants.
battered with a sledgehammer in the night sun, blue freckled
crescent dreamer.

I pray to you,
so no one else feels the same.  it *****. please don't let anyone feel this

miserable.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.  
.                    ­          .              .

And yet here I am making a poem in His honor

Death awakened me and it was like a handshake in pale light. I felt the immediate reverberation of a dismal fleck of starlight harangued in the glossy aether.
   To pass away meant passing by. The painter wipes the last of the blue hues on his apron, the weathered book clasps shut, I see a dog running and a fountain trickle down a path to my home. Somewhere I've never been, but always remembered.

ripped off
a fletcher,
lizard kin and bleeding, hysterectomy
who know there's 52 in a bottle
squished

blue indigo father Dunlop- hideos in the qeua you paint by numbers and pick from your thistle jar, hairless luck
meow muskrat ****

I just want a simple life  I don't need grandeur
If my dreams happen or don't, so be it.  No difference when you can't even enjoy the moment.
I just want peace of mind,  a sound mind. I don't need dreams.  I need reality.  I need a firm grasp of my surroundings. I need a bigger hole to jump in. I need a bigger flame to burn my delusions.  I can lay amongst the ash, I have friends somewhere

To plunge my knife into your sternum
Would be too much effort
You breathe because I am
indifferent
  the
Wandering soul sits idle in a bush
awaiting your tempered heart
& jovial face
The angry ones swallow whole
all the foolish ones,
     prancing about with so little care. You make it easy to hate & hate is how we
survive

Too astute. Honey in a jar. Loaded with cement and tablets of oxy. 4 fingers and 3 amputations, she lays in agony, curled up and her eylids clasped. Red door full opens and so do the sojourners into the red lobby. They spelled your name wrong. They spelled it backwards, and now you must go back into the light little girl, back to get your wings, back to tip toe in silence. Without tears

stepping thru it


stepping


gently

on it--


her hand
is cold-


and her lips are tight


blue emblem
in the crest.



speeding down the road -- your blue bug
is going
the limit

tight roap walker

dancer  to pay
the bills


i'm not one to judge

Writing to a pig in the dirt
To a duck hanging by a ceiling fan
To an **** full of *** and a belly withering in December heat
To a clown singing duality
To a niece jumping rope tommorow
To a grandma ******* on caramel
To a giraffe eating chocolate
To a ****** praying to Solomon
To a chunk counting to forty three
To a mother breastfeeding an ape
To a man
******* a fetus
To a poet crying in an aquarium
To a hobo
Drinking two qaurts of bleach
To a teen sprouting fuzz on a grey sweater at night.
I watch with both eyes.
The red omen is near so dont say that you're a
blind balloon. Who wants a copy.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..



.
.


.
.
.
.
z I p

Had Ramen at 2 in the morning and overdosed on iron
No joke went to the hospital and was flushed out.  Prescribed stool softener and antacids,
Sat in the gown and watched the light with a ***** in my arm. Irradiated light blasted my belly, an xray of a hoof. I drank a throat number and spat out pellets then was pushed around in a chair by a fine Latina. Then pushed in the cold. I still wear my bracelet and walked to the car. An emergency was the run over drunk on the road with its brain pushed in. I blasted Sigur ros and Celtic frost . Then the sun rose like a rose.

e v e n in g




e v e n in g

passing  b y


pa ss ing by


gett ing

your head
******* on tight,

ba  be
with the stockings


so white-


don't play games
tonight


........

breaking
the moon in half so i can see it in all its glory

crumbling dust

Im followed by the flies. I killed about 16 of them. I bury them in toilet paper then flush them. I drink my water and sit on my bed. Today was a blur. my coworker is dying and it bums me out. I dont really like him but I dont like to see needless suffering. And other things are getting me down. I am lonely lately and I have no real ambition anymore. I look outside and see Saturn. I see the millennia of refracted light. I see the boulders on the hill and the clouds in the distance. I see the tree still standing because it needs to. I will try to stand too

I sat up in amazement



I took a shower

I wrapped it up

and paid for the left overs.

I smiled at the door ---   the paste lay
in a bowtie

back up in a lamborgini
playing the newest

SMAP

death found me today

Lol

Bbo

Ki

O.lol

****

Rolloing in filth with the feces scraping the light



Look out

Kek

With a balll and fist

Get waht you deserve

No fun now when it's all for keep

he strangles her

breathing in a tube


fire fight

black cup full to a hazard   scaling the mount

too soon
to yell

hasn't picked up
mail in the yard

Tigger is in me
poking the dots  


caroline-
or Jackie,
or Presley

--
so nice --

staring without blinking --

talking then leaving.


stranded in your vacuum

I read today's papers in
disbelief

Was on top of a hill sort of mountain in a wooden castle and started  carrying wood to the bottom of the hill to a location at the end of a long strip of gravel road. There I began stacking the wood.
At some point someone called the police on me because I assume I looked like a transient stealing wood with my shirt off.
Back at the fort I saw police cruising by, one faintly a woman, so I ran back to the wood pile. There I found a shed with assorted food items mostly canned stuff which I presume was left in case of an emergency or just stored by passerbys and people donating.
Then at some point I saw a *** with a shaved head in an alley nearby, he said
"Are you new? Is this your first time?"
I looked back with a scornful look
"It's been a week"
"Nice cannibal corpse shirt" he muttered as he puckered his lips walking towards me and then finally touching me.
I then reached out and grabbed his neck and choked with all my might and then proceeded to punch him numerous times, but he kept advancing towards me.
I then grabbed a football helmet laying on the ground and proceeded to bash him in the head with it, crushing it, and his head somehow became decapitated in the process and rolled away so I put it on top of his belly.
I then woke up around this time and went to get wood for a fire

Noone cares about a man's suffering. His death is just another excuse for you to parade your victimhood, to show how you've been hurt.
Whatever. I can sit and stare at a wall for hours and think about a few memories that dont cause me bitterness, like watering a plant or washing my hands or drinking juice.
I just dont know why im so caught up with this one person, maybe because they're living the life i want without having done anything particularly complicated. And was I that defective?
Was this self hate instilled at birth? Who taught me to hate myself, was it the world or just me.
I don't know so I don't ask I just wish there were more happy moments. You can't force happiness like ****,you can't squeeze it into submission. I can only try, and do the handful of things I feel are right and live without regret and resentment, but don't tell me I didn't suffer, and
Don't say you cared because I ******* saw you laughing when I was at my lowest and I just wish you could feel it for a day because you would have an 'attitude' too you ******* *****. Go spread yourself some more and call it "making love".

I need to sleep but this light is blinding me and art keeps talking. I will be better tomorrow. I'll try to be better so I can be god and I will be god because none of you exist

If you feel 'meh' about someone through an app,
you'll feel really meh about them in person, but my **** has no standards

Today I'll buy a **** steak
& Macaroni salad

My cat Winnie needs a new sweater,

Go driving in the sun until you hit mercury; the dead still lay there despite the incalculable aeons dividing our
weeping vessels
8

I took the bag and walked
30 feet out onto the bridge.

as the
string
tied

I saw it sway

and the waves
kicked it back up on to the sand.

rotting
in the sun--

there was really nothing beautiful about it.

I just remember

the

seaweed at the knees -- so green

Born alone, die alone
You complimented my life but you didn't complete me; I'll always be unwhole.
You fulfilled my desire and longing but I didn't need you, like how I don't need a fix.
You were the light in the darkness but my eyes can adjust to the black.
You were support to my legs when they were shattered but I'll learn to crawl.
I'll learn to adjust but only because I have to,
not because I ever wanted to

Poetry and art only matters if it's popular and it has a little thumbs up. Because people need to know that others like something to make up their mind. They couldn't risk being judged for liking something that isn't herd approved because then they risk their acceptance in the herd. it's why they like things they truly dont like and hate things that are blatantly true and slapping them in the face with existential meaning. But I don't give a uck I'm doing this for myself, I just wish I had a broader platform to terrorize humanity and I'll find a way

I wish we could just go back to the days of nerdy dads wearing sandals and moms with high waist levis and floral wall paper and pristine cement and clear skies and reporters with paisley ties and teachers with vests and grandmas with cookies and kids with blue shirts because im ******* tired of everyone suddenly being an 'artist' and quirky 'creative'.
If there was no audience or followers youd still be ******* talking about a sitcom or panini you ate, now you just share it

If you turn the **** to the right there's a password that will let you in
It is 'screwdriver25'
Did you get it? Ok good
Now look at the floor and sit down and tap your nose we will examine the
Ediface.

It takes time to be born,
It takes time to walk in circles, I'm still over
Here

naked & afraid

Addicted to my phone. It used to mean you were a nerd loser when you stared at a screen for an incomprehensible amount of hours, now it's the standard condition.
I ******* with my phone in my hand and lick the screen of the salty *** like all hetero men of today. I watched newly born kittens fed to pythons. I watch a beheading In Brazil as the guy gets his nuts bit off by a dog and is fed his own tongue. I watch reruns of whose line is it anyway, with cinnamon toast crunch like a man child because that is the zenith of existence. Never bleeding, only breathing in recirculated air. Your ***** are as weak as a clump of mud. You sold yourself to watch more screens, you knew it meant dulling The pain, but prolonging the horror of an infinite circuit ******. What was the point, when you could have just died? You could have seen the real lights

See these circus families come up in their SUV's snatching up the last of the real estate, desperate clowns
The market is garbage here in California and I'm in effect a holdout, a refugee seeking asylum

But theyll buy these dinky cabins in the mountain
& During 1 winter season roll a snowball and snowman
then retreat back to the plains. Gutless; those who live here only do so because they have no choice,
why is that so hard to comprehend

I think my problem is less about confidence and more to do about my apathy. I don't really think I give much a **** about anything and how I present myself and how im perceived, but then that also includes the way I see myself.  Do I matter enough to showcase my life and *******? There's such a saturation of material of all sorts that I struggle to justify my output. I could just do it for myself but then the nihilist in me says why bother? Its an eternal struggle, but beer helps in these situations. Makes me feel like I do matter, self important. I can even write letters to myself.  Hello self. I am so fine.  I wipe off the dust on my mirror and sing.  I get over it,  but there's room for all sorts of **** in this tank.  No one is bringing their masterpiece with them to the abyss, but some try.  So I don't

3:45 with ****** eyes
I bite on the stale chip whilst the sound of decadent rats punch holes in my pickled brain

If it was up to me
I wouldn't be talking to you; friends are nothing but thieves

Now it's 3:46

lonely, but that's because I don't like myself.
That's because I wish I had my friend
I would've loved you even if you didn't have a means to satisfy my stupid lust.
I could sit and talk to you and that's all that mattered, and now I'm stuck with myself again
I never learn

I made a quesadilla
With some anchovies and ham with some eggs waffles and syrup & a glass of chocky milk
My belly is full
& my **** aches
Tomorrow I shall go out fishing in the prairie; my cat
Died and I'm tired of sitting around. It gets heavy in this heart , it gets hot in this
cage
The longer i stand the more I
suffocate

looking onward towards death. Nothing in my head but rain. Nothing in my heart but shade. I know who i am and it took only a few years to know; no more searching,  just becoming

the air escaped the cramped room and made a large sound .
I heard
the Russian jabbering while she flicked her cigarette in the dust bowl.

hissing out in the corner
with the Italian and his wifebeater
cackling in the star flake


I only drink water when I need to.

still I'm here and
i'm only doing a little to get by.

like an extended stay at the funny farm --

no pigs
only goats

and your fowl

sponge bath
In a white moon saucer
The crumbs laid out spell
Something like
"*******" so
I roll up a pad and play dice with the ***** licemen; like bugs they make love

jim
  And a hand
Game now 2.
"Lightening the load, the offenders"
Grey wash.
Buzzard musk.
Mucousy and white, flesh flute, patted down in squares. Little green squares full of time
⬛  juxtaposed with a moth  head and flying into cold flame

Happy for me is not being crippingly depressed. Im happy. I can make pancakes at 2am and be ok. I'm ok. I will sleep fine. But I still think of you

The little man with the blue shirt
Drinks jars of fermented **** of which he purchases online for $179
Dollars

The procured **** is sourced from the bladders of Hispanic
Gypsy kawaii Core only fans models

His only love is derived
From the stenchy
Liquer
It has notes of lavender &
Hot mustard

God is dead , but the little man
With a blue shirt
     retracts his trigger & smiles
Unmolested

I can't enjoy peoples' company without being ****** up out of mind, drunk high etc.
I thought maybe it was a phase.
But I can't stand the parties. They are so boring. I am boring. I play darts anyway,
and smoke 100 cigarettes and **** the pipe.
it feels good at the moment.
but I am fake. I wish I didn't feel pain. I wish I felt love for my species. I wish someone knew my favorite color and cared

my only friend is my buddy matt

I love that man, and 1 friend is better than what most can claim today.
I'm lucky.
we talk every Tuesday,
and he talks about his shoes and his squirrels
and his elderly wife( he actually married a 50 year old seamstress when he was 22, it's weird, but whatever)

im happy though with this;

and I need nothing else. all the other 'friends'
sold out to the consumerist boom-
easily bought.

I need someone that'll take a bullet. I've already taken a few for him;
and that's where I stand.
thank you. until Valhalla

I  pace back and forth  in  the pink room   and pull the blinds    tightly.

Ashtray in the corner
near the sink.

Radio   by  the door.
hammer on the  bed.

fork in the socket.

rose in  the glass.


eyes in  the ceiling .     ***** in  the   shoe.                hair in    the   bowl.


kissing  my  lord.

kissing  it.
it all.

so much.


the  leeches  know now ,  everything,  everything, everything since before time since before birth and before the creation. SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
SHOULD HAVE
******* LISTENED TO THEM

YOU ******* FOOL!


......

4 DAYS
go by-
I hear bug.

message without a voice.
crying at me
as though I  could have known.                  a handy device  like   maybe for to  the cleft  in the dry hand
back  wards?   for the purse-chase,-  casted by it now?


I speak

to you

.


I  want an answer.

It's like putting your hand to a flame when you're sitting in a barren room.
My brain is rotting and all my relationships turn to **** but I'm ready for the pain.
Crying my eyes out and getting drunk and slashing myself made for some dark miserable moments but they were so impactful and poetic in their own way.
Now I rot and there's no sorrow to distract me.
A cold dusty fog envelops my heart and I slip into apathy.
Void of pain and emotion all together, it is truly death. Not being. I want to live. I want someone to care. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hate me. I want someone here

when things get too heavy or your problems seem insurmountable to overcome, make a list.

  I love making lists.
Start easy.

1. Go ride a bike tomorrow

good, you're getting some cardio

2. spend at least 30 minutes in the sun everyday

now you're getting vitamin D

3. give up alcohol and ciggarettes

Now you're giving you body a chance to heal and detoxify.

4. Get a better job.

You can do this. This is the ******* one usually, but having an income gives a sense of intrinsic usefulness. You're contributing something, even if it's a sandwich to someone's mouth.

5. save up money.

Good, getting some money in the bank for some financial stability and to provide a safeguard in case of disaster

6. find a loving girlfriend.

need companionship for longterm mental health, we can't stay alone forever.

7. now keep this up, maintained.

This is usually where I start my list again.  
I'm tired of the fallbacks, and the hindsight anguish.
Someday
happiness will
last, but for now the list is my comfort

sleeping giants

in a trash bag
with the toothbrush
bent like a crackpipe under your boot.
why do you pretend you know so much?
  you know so little and that makes you one to admire;  strike up a conversation with a gypsy
and the
lighter magic will sway with you then.

   but if ukraine
dies, so does the maybe kids

i once wrote that ''killing myself would be like making a sandwich''

it's actually the hardest thing I've tried to do.

I'll keep trying so i'm not a failure

6 people died today in a parade
They became part of the display
I pulled my lazy boy down and remembeed why I'm proud to be American, that means sitting when a ****** marching band skimpers forth with some soulless katy Perry admist a Kellogg's float. You're dead and you don't even remember when it happened

I get sad seeing pictures of her with the new guy,
rubbing his back
and kissing etc etc.

I'm a ******* I guess in the sense that I search this stuff out intentionally.

I need to know how she's doing and apparently she's doing well.

but I see in the eyes of the wimp a very familiar expression.

he just recently went down on her and now he wants out and is feigning his affection.
   he's been drained of his money to buy frivolous ****.
  he's been punched in the gut for saying an innocuous joke.
he's been forced to clean up her 3 dog's piles of **** and stay up to 5 am arguing on a work night because of a manic episode.

    She is unlovable
but I somehow loved her, and for that I must forgive
myself

Why do I continue to keep in touch with this person?
Why do I fail to remember all the misery and dysfunction
and anxiety induced in being confined to a plainly doomed situation?

Why do I need to be friends with this person? why can't I just
let the hate fester like most?
I am too empathic and compassionate
and genuinely want the best for this person even though they scammed
my credit card less than 2 weeks ago


I should be caving in their car window
and throwing a molotov cocktail through their house,
or leaving a
       note;

why do I go back?
why do I feel like I can get the time back that was lost

1 great poem for every
5 **** ones
1 good for every
3 crap ones
1 immortal for
Every
40
0
Okay ones

0
Nothing
Ones

0
  Wallpaper poems

tired of stories and 'real life'
I want to read something that makes me forget I'm alive, something to make me feel kinship with an ant.
Something to strip me of my pride.
Something to make feel unborn and unloved
, Something to make feel like a grain of sand
Something to make me feel like the sleeping vagrant,
Or the guts of a rabbit on a sidewalk.
Something cold,
Something like a universe

dimly lit room                                 ;  I hear a cloud pass by;           tip toe
down the planks,  drip.


Stirring in some salt -         3 hours on simmer, touching  a blank canvas,
seeing through a haze after the fog
has rolled away.

You ask '' for whom?''      you're enshrouded by a black husk, contorted like a cashier face.

plugged into a jet-stream, forward moving, forward thinking,
backward  living, one of a billion concurrent movies projecting  an old worn out film.

I walk around a while.


I go walking in the woods and crunch the leaves. Cars pass by and I walk past.  A broken-shed, with broken windows, but no life.

no liveliness in this walk. No chirping, or buzzing,  just some hammering in the distance.

I sit down and pick up a stone. A crystal.   It gives me a faint-energy.   I  rub off the moss,
  and I toss it into the
mist .  Nothing in my head. I  don't want to be here anymore