looking onward towards death. Nothing in my head but rain. Nothing in my heart but shade. I know who i am and it took only a few years to know; no more searching,  just becoming

So hopeful
And weary
I cannot feel my hands
My hands are cold and stiff

I kiss you somewhere over
Here
Then make my way to the partition

I cannot see straight
I wringe my collar of the desecrated
tears
My serpent speaks
To make love is to **** and penetrate
Stab deep into your wound
And dessicate
Annihilate with fury
My overtone sweet with faith and sophistry
Now is the time to wonder
Were you always this innocent?

ohhh  its a   white maleeee

proceeds to twist the head off

snapping the tendons
and drinking   mead from the skull.

it a whitemale


proceeds to tear the back open
and snap the rips upwards
pulling lungs from the carcass and setting it ablaze.


white


proceeds to drive a minivan
and buy grapes at ralphs while tipping a *** and

watching hulu

white  lawn

Took a picture head-on on instagram
no filters
No angles
Not a smile

i was happy
It's a step towards real

Happy for me is not being crippingly depressed. Im happy. I can make pancakes at 2am and be ok. I'm ok. I will sleep fine. But I still think of you

lonely, but that's because I don't like myself.
That's because I wish I had my friend
I would've loved you even if you didn't have a means to satisfy my stupid lust.
I could sit and talk to you and that's all that mattered, and now I'm stuck with myself again
I never learn

Addicted to my phone. It used to mean you were a nerd loser when you stared at a screen for an incomprehensible amount of hours, now it's the standard condition.
I ******* with my phone in my hand and lick the screen of the salty *** like all hetero men of today. I watched newly born kittens fed to pythons. I watch a beheading In Brazil as the guy gets his nuts bit off by a dog and is fed his own tongue. I watch reruns of whose line is it anyway, with cinnamon toast crunch like a man child because that is the zenith of existence. Never bleeding, only breathing in recirculated air. Your ***** are as weak as a clump of mud. You sold yourself to watch more screens, you knew it meant dulling The pain, but prolonging the horror of an infinite circuit ******. What was the point, when you could have just died? You could have seen the real lights

Crushes me
Rolls me into a ball and flicks me into a dirt mound
I stay there and breathe
dead silence
Hum

cute girl, why do you stand there
Why do you talk about your son's
I'm here and I talk about blue
Shadows
Why do you go that way?

Why do they ****** me when I'm 12 and 14
But want nothing to do with me now?

I know my hair ***** and my nose is big and my eyes are crooked and my skin is ****
But don't expect me to be just sitting here happy

I'm not 'entitled' im a ******* human being

I don't
want to see a grey cloud
I want a *******


Blue sun, blue ocean where no one feels pain

I pluck my eyelashes
You talk 2 Jake. Blued eyed Jake. You've ****** 1000 men but you won't **** me.

I am real I am here, I FEEL


I drag the load. If it means scratching the cell doors , I'll destroy the universe.

You don't exist.

This pain is all thats here and now like infinite  subtraction

the damage is done, the wound
is gushing with blood.
the pants are
filled
with ***** matter.

the mouth is vomiting
into a ditch at 3am. please god, tell me I matter.

please god,
who are you,
who are you,

touch me,
touch me in my ****,

touch me in my ****.

feel my *****,
feel my *******.
I want to love you. lord my savior, I *** on your face, and you drink it.
my lord
and savior.

death on a cross is like a jelly
sandwich
after dawn.

no one has to cry.

please god.
let me watch the ****** in
2002,
when I was still fragrant, when I still felt good.
when I still played stick games with my friend nick. when I still listened to slipknot's duality
and Marilyn's beautiful people.

I want to be whole.

I want to be a person without the past. the stick in the mud, the last dance at the wedding when everyone is watching.
please help me .


I don't need
a party,
but I need a crowd.

blue tin skies after dawn,
two few to know.

love is like a box of explosives,
you know what you'll get.

paintball in 2006.

where did it all go? when did I get old? when did I lose touch? when did it all start to not matter
?


pave the way forward,
we are here.

I see you,
and I want the best for us.  please, please, please. let me believe in love for once.





once;  like a nova

massive headache, splitting my skull and poking my diseased brain;
I can't keep
living this way, facing no where, and kissing dust. I can't keep believing in pagan fairytales and digging countless graves for every piece of me that dies, every single day, and so pitifully
  I need relief and I don't know what it'll take. 10 years of this,  10 years of
  how and why. the floors are squeaky clean now, and the doors are locked with rusty chains. I open my heart to you, praying for refuge

6 people died today in a parade
They became part of the display
I pulled my lazy boy down and remembeed why I'm proud to be American, that means sitting when a ****** marching band skimpers forth with some soulless katy Perry admist a Kellogg's float. You're dead and you don't even remember when it happened

coming in and coming out
erected and perfected;
vivisected
Suckled on yellow tongues
tainted by willows and half-lies
Balloons with hands groaning
None here are loaning out their heads to shop windows
Black and blue the only thing left is pigment hope,
and junk rope lining the dead-heirs with washed out eyes of Mexican ***** lice in licorice dunes

So the finger twists and the **** red hot squeels in absense of authority. Pluck your own seed fa**ot

Poetry and art only matters if it's popular and it has a little thumbs up. Because people need to know that others like something to make up their mind. They couldn't risk being judged for liking something that isn't herd approved because then they risk their acceptance in the herd. it's why they like things they truly dont like and hate things that are blatantly true and slapping them in the face with existential meaning. But I don't give a uck I'm doing this for myself, I just wish I had a broader platform to terrorize humanity and I'll find a way

Given to god and the flies like the shapely things they are with maggoty arms and lungs full of cement I Dance on craning heads and hit my face in the pool duck
Raining over everyone, nirvana in the sense that faith is delusion I pick away a subtle man in the flow with your hammy down wrapper *** rag in a fat pig origami *****
Set on fire, what was once faith means annihilation. "See me at 5" the choir lunges, l sing til dawn , I pick up the last of the leaves. Soon and everyone goes to heaven

I get sad seeing pictures of her with the new guy,
rubbing his back
and kissing etc etc.

I'm a ******* I guess in the sense that I search this stuff out intentionally.

I need to know how she's doing and apparently she's doing well.

but I see in the eyes of the wimp a very familiar expression.

he just recently went down on her and now he wants out and is feigning his affection.
   he's been drained of his money to buy frivolous ****.
  he's been punched in the gut for saying an innocuous joke.
he's been forced to clean up her 3 dog's piles of **** and stay up to 5 am arguing on a work night because of a manic episode.

    She is unlovable
but I somehow loved her, and for that I must forgive
myself

I can't enjoy peoples' company without being ****** up out of mind, drunk high etc.
I thought maybe it was a phase.
But I can't stand the parties. They are so boring. I am boring. I play darts anyway,
and smoke 100 cigarettes and **** the pipe.
it feels good at the moment.
but I am fake. I wish I didn't feel pain. I wish I felt love for my species. I wish someone knew my favorite color and cared

Serpent eyes & mediocre
powder coffee
It's too early right now; I woke up for nothing, 10
is for the ground squirrels & paper chasers and office freaks

Back to the drawing board;
I saw a white light
& A kid attempting to write something true. The more you try the
More you lie to yourself.
And the more you care the less the muse wants you back.
It's good to give up

microsoft computer
and the apple
modems


a Viacom tv flicker
and a Sony hologram player


a samsung
automobile

and a blu-tooth
Yamaha

green flower
beaten under the harsh wind

Life is like one bad dream on repeat

I forget all the faces, and it's mildly amusing on recall
Somewhere I jumped off a building
and caressed a nun then became president, and for what
Just to suffer

The only good part of life is ***
And it's barely good
and a mere bargaining token

I sleep to get away from the dreaming;
The best
Is when you remember nothing, and that's where I'll be when I'm dead, you can be in heaven

I  pace back and forth  in  the pink room   and pull the blinds    tightly.

Ashtray in the corner
near the sink.

Radio   by  the door.
hammer on the  bed.

fork in the socket.

rose in  the glass.


eyes in  the ceiling .     ***** in  the   shoe.                hair in    the   bowl.


kissing  my  lord.

kissing  it.
it all.

so much.


the  leeches  know now ,  everything,  everything, everything since before time since before birth and before the creation. SHOULD HAVE LISTENED
SHOULD HAVE
******* LISTENED TO THEM

YOU ******* FOOL!


......

4 DAYS
go by-
I hear bug.

message without a voice.
crying at me
as though I  could have known.                  a handy device  like   maybe for to  the cleft  in the dry hand
back  wards?   for the purse-chase,-  casted by it now?


I speak

to you

.


I  want an answer.

Writing to a pig in the dirt
To a duck hanging by a ceiling fan
To an **** full of *** and a belly withering in December heat
To a clown singing duality
To a niece jumping rope tommorow
To a grandma ******* on caramel
To a giraffe eating chocolate
To a ****** praying to Solomon
To a chunk counting to forty three
To a mother breastfeeding an ape
To a man
******* a fetus
To a poet crying in an aquarium
To a hobo
Drinking two qaurts of bleach
To a teen sprouting fuzz on a grey sweater at night.
I watch with both eyes.
The red omen is near so dont say that you're a
blind balloon. Who wants a copy.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..



.
.


.
.
.
.
z I p

Stuck inside drowning and not even a crowd to watch my demise.
If I'm going to go out I at least want others to see. Im tired of being stifled. I'm tired of being one of billions. I'm missing my tribe. My kin. Who has my back anymore? Anyone other than a meaningless acquabtence?
I'm stuck in the tomb and I'm losing my humanity. My emotions are being filed down. At least hate used to sustain me but I have even lost that. Stop ******* sqaushing me down and sqaushing me in a ******* box. WHO THE **** ARE YOU TO DICTATE MY LIFE? Who shackled me and tied me down? I will fight back I will not take anymore. I will not accept this fate. You killed my kin and robbed me of my ancestral spirit and now I am just a wild animal. I am no longer human. I am a force of nature

He got what he wanted. He thought about it for weeks and years.
It happened.
It was pleasant.
But the drive home was like a candle on a windowsil
and as it faded, only I could remember,
Only I could recall, and I sat in my chair watching a wall.
I no longer know what is fantasy, and no longer know what is dim reality. Everything has broken down into
deceit and wishful dreaming

dont send the letters

don't send the smiley faces
don't send the thumbs up

don't send the 'yes'
or the 'no'

jump off the bridge and dive in the lake and blow up in the sun.

junior
has glasses
and he spells
sugar

S U G A R

sugar,
like god. like satan, like the immortal ghost.
who hasn't
dreamed of fire?

satan please forgive me.

''I love nothing"

but you are nothing. questions and more answers. only answers for your questions. there are no more
secrets.
there are no more
consonants.

there are only constants.
battered with a sledgehammer in the night sun, blue freckled
crescent dreamer.

I pray to you,
so no one else feels the same.  it *****. please don't let anyone feel this

miserable.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.  
.                    ­          .              .

my only friend is my buddy matt

I love that man, and 1 friend is better than what most can claim today.
I'm lucky.
we talk every Tuesday,
and he talks about his shoes and his squirrels
and his elderly wife( he actually married a 50 year old seamstress when he was 22, it's weird, but whatever)

im happy though with this;

and I need nothing else. all the other 'friends'
sold out to the consumerist boom-
easily bought.

I need someone that'll take a bullet. I've already taken a few for him;
and that's where I stand.
thank you. until Valhalla

I was genuinely an evil person to my ex
I made you feel low
And devoid of all self worth

I abused you mentally and physically
Dehumanized you
Made you feel like trash
But I was ultimately projecting my own lack of self worth
And there's not much to learn here
But I
Was a ******* and I'm sorry

I hope I learn my lesson for real.
I deserve it, because I
feel it in my soul and it
   hurts
even now

It took time to forget

I didn't think i would but i did
And i remember the good
Like
Faucets running
And fires burning
What did I go crazy for

?

Let's dance baby
Let's dance
Let's hop on a train to no where sipping a corona
Your face scarred with innocence

A pill bottle barricaded inside
Pleading as the bayonets stick you in
Let's dance let's dance baby
Purple
Blue, blurrred running from a dream
Running from a dream
Pockets lined with gold
Baby youre a star
Pandemic blues
I reach out for you

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

,😟

so she was reading my stuff and said to me
'why do you hide this?
put it out there for people to see'


well I'd like to, but the
      horses would catch me

Fried moth goth in a stew with your whiskey **** I ****** good **** today
and ****** you under a door mat with my long foot but I had ***** ******.
Why did jovi then go washing the rocks?
You spit on him like a gooky *****, why now do I see it?
Haha
When Jordan was there I still freed fire flies
"Do as thou wilt" which side are you on dude.. The side with another slice of pastrami.
I feel it so much more when it starts

I need a ******* typewriter.
this ******* light is blinding me,
and the ******* G key is falling off the ******* thing.
  I want to throw pages
at the ceiling in delight and swivel in my chair
   and drink beer
    and  **** a goat while I write and clack. the only way. I thought it fitting for hipsters; but i like the aestetic. Bang BANG BANG BANG BANG,
PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP PUMP CLINNGGGGG** then the *******.
another beautiful poem, fresh with my blood.
and the screamer upstairs i will now slowly asphyxiate.

his head was soft
his whiskers were full
his fingers were long
and his skin was old
his eyes were green
and his tongue was blue
his name was Ceasar
and he carried a broom
he swept
the sidewalk
he skated around
he colored the fences
with a rusty crayon
he really liked pie
he really liked fudge
he was only so nice
because he wanted to die

all around me are familiar faces  ;     if you step away    be sure to memorize
the voice code, 298 zero and proceed.
  if you must you must
, no time
to   fly

I moved on, and it took not caring
All I had to gain was a headache and another year of setbacks
I feel better alone.
I feel more like myself and more content in the silence, and silence is where I grow

Writing while half awake & dealing with ***** trash
slide down the slide see the blue sky
I've opened my heart to no one but the night

a ****** and a crackerjack dont go smoking with out the rope or the hognose tie gets laid in the face machine

pushed for the review
I don't take chances in the arrow socket
lord
has his signs

your trying too hard;
figure a
litmus

industry

gobbled by the majic   ignoring your salad

bewildered in a
cruel way

slap me or
slap yourself

I thought Id have 13 kids and live in a castle
With a fat *****
On my lap

I thought Id have a gold suit in Napa
I thought Id have a car
And food

I thought I'd be a democrst and vote for the candidate that resembles my nephew

I thought Id ride a bike
I thought I'd **** myself and eat a moose
I thought Id touch my ***** and get a paper wet

I thought Id think I thought
I thought I'd be asleep by now
I thought Id do something productive
I thought Id be a human
I thought Id be a ghost like them
I thought Id be a contender
I thought I'd be forgiven

Blocked me the second there was push back
the second the cacophony of your own voice was met by another

I'm a lot like you. It's easy to be yourself when no one is watching
Don't sell out

This one means nothing, say it again
It means nothing, like a book full of scribbles and spiders dancing along the wall.
We cry in our dreams when we've lost something dear to us in this reality, like a
good friend or  a  match when the darkness won't relent

A bowl of cherries sits protruding on the dentist's chair as he skitters over to the female specimen of uncertain origin.
" the fruit flies ate your mother like a little ******"
"Why, with angel dust I frolicking now?" She says as she gesticulates with her pointer toes.
"No mam, this is cancer"  and the tongue squirts juice in her salty eye.  
Her crotch turns gangrenous and the dwarf behind the counter lays 2 rotten eggs in a cupboard.
"What was the point of lying" said the doctor
"I'm not sure" says feminine monstrosity, but the beach whaled for them..I took out a salary and billed my little girl 26 hens by my sad eyed mouse. 2 butchers took the heart, we rested by doves and the dwarf laughed furious. God loves his children.😈

she blocked me finally, well I did first, but she had the last word.
2.1 years gone.
Some say the best way to look at it is as though it was a chapter.
What did you learn?
And if nothing, there's always a new story

feel like I have 1000 horses laying on top of me
and as a result everything's been getting to me.
You have more time to reflect when you're in a wounded and docile state, and it's lately recognizing that everything is inherently transactional.
No one loves just because they can, they love because you give them all your time,
the ***** loves because you give her your money and your time.
The cat loves because you give it tuna,
The *** loves because you give him your money
Not your tuna sandwich.
It is what is it, take take take take. I wish we weren't just animals looking to get through the night and I wish there was a hand reaching out without any expectations to receive, or maybe it's just me and my loneliness
And misanthropy.
  I just know Im in need, but I'll never recieve

I can't feel my toes due to the lack of a circulated hot air system delivering heat within this space.

My breath blows and is visible like Puzuzu

I take out a solid white piece of paper and make a few scribbles.
The names are written and spell out the
people I used to care about , which is about 1 too many

I took the bag and walked
30 feet out onto the bridge.

as the
string
tied

I saw it sway

and the waves
kicked it back up on to the sand.

rotting
in the sun--

there was really nothing beautiful about it.

I just remember

the

seaweed at the knees -- so green

My love is broken. It's like a fragile linen

I want to love but I'm led along empty streets
& The vermin pick at my feet
If I needed something I would ask
But I guess
I'd rather rot alone

The slow ones
don't hesitate; there's nothing to gain

I'm gonna take a screwdriver
and jam it into her eye socket
and then
take pliers
and twist her tongue
until it's unhinged from the jaw

I'll then pour acid down her throat
and **** her ***
while she squeels in agony

then I'll
make some pancakes
for my doggo
Jim Jim
and he can eat the leftovers

then I'll do it again maybe
and then some day I can smile with Jehovah

who was that?

WHO was THAT???


who was that?


who WAS that?

that.

who was that?

was that, who?

WHO?

who

who was?

who was that,
and what was that,
but really who was that,
that was a who?



anyway we need more drugs

I hate writing on my phone.
By the time the thought has arrived I'm
editing a misspelled work or autocorrect has squandered the spirit

If I had a reason
To write, then I'd write,
But this manner of scribe is inefficient

and the ape who receives my poems uses them for tissue after an especially horrendous
evacuation

If I was paid to do this
I'd be poor, just like now, but
at least I could say I'm a poet

sleeping giants

in a trash bag
with the toothbrush
bent like a crackpipe under your boot.
why do you pretend you know so much?
  you know so little and that makes you one to admire;  strike up a conversation with a gypsy
and the
lighter magic will sway with you then.

   but if ukraine
dies, so does the maybe kids

There was nothing I could do. I was a man now as of 4 hours and 22 minutes ago and thus needed to secure myself a job. I could no longer just sit in my room ******* and eat bowls of cereal and resign myself to nothing any longer, nor naively pursue a career in music that wasn't going to happen; I was talented but perhaps I didn't have the drive? I had to get a job. I had to 'do something', so I went online and found the first thing that popped up. It was Macys, a general clerk so I applied and of course the questionnaire was 3 pages and tested my aptitude. Did I have an IQ above room temperature? If so that'd make me a cashier, if not a boxboy. I ended up as a dressing room attendant.
     The interview was fine and was my first. I wore my dad's blue shirt and some shoes I stole a week previous since I didn't feel the need to buy shoes I'd likely be wearing once I rationalized.
I sat in the waiting room and it was before social media and smart phones so I thumbed through some magazines for thirty minutes then was eventually called. The interviewer seated me in a plushy red throne, and he had a nice haircut.
"So what brings you to Macy's" he said to me bluntly.
"I like this store. I shop here a lot and feel like I'd be a good fit" which was a lie; I never in my life shopped there.
" Okay, and tell me a time where you encountered a struggle, and how did you resolve it?"
I had to think for a moment, actually several moments and we sat there in uncomfortable silence for what seemed minutes. I was nervous.
"Ummm, a time I encountered a struggle and had to resolve it? Well there was a little dog that got hit in front of my house before, and all the kids were crying and I consoled them and performed CPR on that dog and he ended up surviving but died later in the hospital. and it was pretty traumatic and a lot of blood"
"okay that sounds heartbreaking, but moreso an experience that relates to working in a retail store"
"I used to sell cookies door to door"
"Yes that seems more relevant" he said while marking his clipboard.
And the interview went on and I felt for sure I blew it, but I shook his hand firmly like I'd always been told and looked him in the eye.
"Thank you, I really appreciate the opportunity" I told him while exiting.
always show gratitude they'd say; well I wasn't grateful and didn't want that job, but I read enough how-to's online. it was an act, an audition and I think I gave a good enough performance. A few days later I got the call and was told to come in for orientation.
I was trapped. It was the beginning.