Often I forget
Why I loved her
Why I continue to long for her
In a way,
I just do it blindly
It takes a peaceful evening
But I remember the times
The memories make me happy
And then I remember her
Who she was back then
She made mistakes
She did things I didn't like
She was her own person
And I loved her for that
But she wanted to be my person
And I loved her for that
But I urged her to be herself
And now she is
She is herself, with someone else
I think of the first time she kissed me
She was herself
And she was the woman I still love
The one I will always love
And it feels good
And it hurts, at the same time
To remember why i loved her
Because I also remember why
I continue to love her

The emotions, the feelings
They fill my soul
Like dread and emptiness
My heart grows old
This fresh hell
This tiring sorrow
I am crying tonight
So i can drown tomorrow
The faces, the memories
Like people and places
They fill my eyes
Tears freeze, mind races
I've felt this before
It's the same thing
I see a bluejay
Hear the sad song he sings
The emotions, the feelings
They fill my soul
Like dread and emptiness
They take their toll

It's like
Not being able
To see a painter
Or his painting
But peering
Into his mind
And seeing
Exactly
What he wants
To portray

Worthless
A shame
A mistake
An accident
A name
*******
*******
*******
Lame
A burden
I am
And I won't change
I never should have been
I shouldn't ever be

A bishop
A pawn
The Silver Saturn is there
Then it's gone

It arrives elegantly
Carries a mess inside
I get in, and we go
Fast as lightning
The Silver Saturn
Will leave
And return again
A hundred times or more
Every time bringing that mess
Expectations galore
It never disappoints,
But never meets
Tiny and dark
It carries a golden beauty
And i never know what to do
When i am inside
The Silver Saturn
It leaves me in despair
And arrives with more
The never-ending cycle
It's what i want, i'm sure
What i need is her
What i'd love is a pattern
Give me that Silver Saturn

Escaping sky
Elusive moon
Why must you
Leave so soon?
Black and short
Orange and long
Is this where
I belong?
Drunk and sleepy
Beautiful still
So inquisitive
Full of will

Your need for nicotine
Is a cute routine
I’m lucky I saw you
Three hugs, too

Loving and hating
Making it worse
For the better
Moving forward
In reverse
Sorrow precipitating
A painful curse
Growing inside
Wrapping myself in wind
Feeling unknown

A broken smile
A compliment
Lost feelings
The sentiment
As the time slows
The tortoise goes
And we are all the weaker

If I know only one thing
It's that everything that I see
Of the world outside
Is so inconceivable
Often I barely can speak
Yeah I'm tongue-tied and dizzy
And I can't keep it to myself
What good is it to
Sing Helplessness Blues
Why should I wait for anyone else
And I know, I know
You will keep me on the shelf
I'll come back to you someday
Soon, myself

If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm raw
If I had an orchard
I'd word til I'm sore
And you would wait tables
And soon run the store
Go there in the sunlight
My light in the dawn
If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm sore
If I had an orchard
I'd work til I'm sore

Someday I'll be like the man on the screen...

Staring all night
At the low hanging moon
Blind in the light
Despair so soon
Had the passion
But lost it then
Doling out the rations
Losing it all again
Pragmatic Pillow talk
At infinite distance
Reading in the chalk
A teacher's assistants
Quiet frustrations
Figuring out as we go
Certain illustrations
See you at work as you sew
Mouth is still
The fingers move
Words are my will
Anger shown to prove

Mistakes are made
Every single day
Those feelings fade
Where the needle lay

Love, it's sweet.
It tears your heart open, then it retreats.
Just a little bit tender it is
All you need is a kiss

Hate, it's ruthless.
Moods will leave you toothless
You'll ****, you'll lie
Until the day you accept your fate and die.

Sadness, its depressing.
Realization is so much more stressing.
Never, ever fleeting
The heart really takes a beating

Depression.
One expression
Eternal pleading
Eternal bleeding.

I've been smiling
The entire time
I've been trying
To be happy
Then i remember
That you can't see me
I stop smiling
I sit down
Hold my head in my hands
I disintegrate
My soul dissipates
An ocean of madness
Becomes a river of sadness
Becomes my stream of consciousness
Spiraling down,
I see rock bottom
So familiar
I'm hoping i don't end up there again
But i know
I was lucky
Just to feel that way
For as long as i did

You check and you see
I know, i know
I'm okay, or am i?
I don't exist to you anymore
I'm a figment of your past
And maybe i'm wrong
Maybe you're right
Maybe it is dark
But i think it's bright
The future could be
Joyous for us
If you just tried again
I know, i know
I can live without you
But a fraction of my heart
Is on life support for now
Hoping for your return
But it won't happen
This isn't a fairy tale
No happy endings for me
There never have been
But the same goes for you
You missed it
Because i do this thing, see?
I make a happy ending
For others, see?
But you skipped out
And i no longer exist
Just know, sweet girl,
I'm not okay, nor will i be
For the rest of my life
So you check, and you see
I know, i know
This is how things have to be...

Intro: trouble born
Chapter 1: Getting a grip
Chapter 2: Best friends and child love
Chapter 3: A stranger type of thing
Chapter 4: High School, dealing
Chapter 5: College and Ladies
Chapter 6: An aside, intermission
Chapter 7: Mausi........
Chapter 8: What comes next (in progress)

And so the chapter comes
To a sad close
The highest of highs
The lowest of lows
It wasn't bad
It wasn't lousy
But now I say
Goodbye to Mausi

I found just now
The personality
I am the most in love with
A great relief for me
But the bad part is
It doesn't actually exist
It's only in fiction
Condescending yet
Fully understanding
Comically light, yet
No seriousness
No fear in speaking the mind
Dark past, bad visions
Terrible desires
But a good heart
Makes me want to die
And be reborn anew
In her presence
The next great novel
I'd **** for that,
She'll **** anyway

Unsung don't say it,
Touch it or replay it
It only happens once
So long to last lines
Every time's the first time
I'm off to have some fun
A cauldron of potions,
Drops of the oceans,
Couldn't solve this one
As luck would have it
I'm on the planet,
So it seems are you

Fear is a potion
Its fire is potent
Like unrequitted love
It is its own mercy
It has you by the throat
And it squeezes
Until your eyes pop out
And your life is gone
Fear is your faction
It is debilitating
You'll need help
But you've got none
And too, you're only one
Good luck
You look fear in the eye
And give it nothing.

Somewhere, there is,
In a cloudy place,
A person, perhaps
With either ***,
Who might do all
And everything
For my sake
For my happiness
Who will give up
On other dreams
Other desires
Who would exist
Solely for me
And what was ours
One who carries
All of the burdens
That fell from my arms
I dreamt of that person
In a sleepless night
I know not where
Or who this person is
But wherever that one lies,
I am here, confounded
By life and love,
Completely oblivious

Dare to swear
To me
That angels are not angels
Unless we want them to be.

And if it's not real
Then so be it.
If you're not real
I don't mind.
Whatever lies
I'm blind to the story.
I see your life
For the truth you hide.
If anything at all
Can motivate me now
It's finding out,
Truly,
Who you really are.
And if it is the truth,
If the lie has been the lie,
Then you can't say i never believed you.
But it's hard to sit here and stay
When everything is seemingly
Pitting me against you.

Sometimes I marvel
At how such good people
Ruin their lives
I'd like to think
That we don't have to
Soil our hands with revenge
To get justice
That people reap what they sow
That life itself
Will deal hard punches
To those of us who hurt others
Case closed

If the world has found another new
Terrible disaster from which to endure
Then it will need courage, strength too
Wisdom from one who will ensure
The safety from harm and more,
Banishment of evil for the sake
Of the good people, a princess of lore
There is a sacrifice you need to make
Oh, hero of time, we need you now
More than ever before, so go
Do that which weakness won't allow
Fight the evil, defeat your old foe
The hardships you will face are known
There is so much here at risk
It's dangerous to go alone
Take this

With no hope
I'm gone
My humanity is lost
I can never return
I might as well be dead
For not a single person
Will know me as I was
Because I messed up
And there's not a shred of hope
And what used to be life
Has caused my death
Sadness and regret
Those are the last two feelings
I'll ever have
The love for one
Frozen at gunpoint

You're so broken
Shattered
A million pieces
I'm picking up
Let's see
This one goes here
And that one-
Ouch, sharp
I can see it
What this is meant to be
What you're meant to be
The pieces aren't 
Together yet
But i'll put them
Where they belong
I will
The way you belong
Happy
You're so broken
A million pieces
But i will
Nine hundred 
Ninety nine thousand
Nine hundred
Ninety nine pieces
I will
Nine hundred 
Ninety nine thousand
Nine hundred
Ninety eight pieces
I will 
This is going to be
Beautiful
When it's done
When i finish
And i will
Nine hundred 
Ninety nine thousand
Nine hundred
Ninety seven pieces
I will

It's this constant fear I have
That I've been doing something wrong
Since the very start
Over and over again
Not realizing it at all
I mean what can you do?
If that is the case...
Because I was happy once
In fact I was happy recently
Very very shortly
But that was taken from me
And it actually wasn't me
Not my fault at all
Until it was my fault
And then I took the blame
Now I stay quiet
With my head in my hands
Full of love and shame

Happy, if we're talking
What could have been
Meaningful, and full
Of emotion, good feelings
I never had doubt
All you had to do
Was let it work
Two lives that will be
Now forever plagued
With sadness and misfortune
They'll end on the same day
And far away
From each other
The problem here
Was not me, it was you
My dear, my darling
My sweetheart
I loved your singing, but,
Sad, if we're talking
What will be
Meaningless, and empty
With regret

I know not at all
What it's called
But I think i've felt it before
The feel of it
This feeling
It crushes you down
And builds you up
Blows you away
And stands you up
It makes you feel pointless
Yet with a reason to live
And she walks with you
And she talks with you
And she laughs with you
And she looks at you
And you look back
Into her life, her being
Her decisions, her thoughts
Her past, her future
When you look in her eyes
And you see the present
And you can't quite tell
If the heartbeat you hear
Is hers, because of you
Or you grew another heart
Because one might not be enough

But the moment the two part ways
The man and the woman
They have separate points of view
He hates how time passes so slowly
And she just loves the butterflies
When they meet again, music will play
And everyone will know
What they're too embarrassed to admit

There's always been a passion
A feeling, a need to love
Killing, evil sensation
We drown in from above
He looks ahead, she stares back
A portrait as blue as the skies
He can't look away, he's taken aback
By just the sight of her eyes
He knows, he knows
He's got no chance
She goes, she goes
Without a glance
There is no way of expression
For this solo threatening depression
A 7, a 6, a 4 or a 5?
Is there any point to being alive?
8 and 9 and 10 or more
Those are the ones that i live for
I really wish i was dead

Reminders, reminders
Constant
About me
My imperfections
Imagine
Love is a blade
It cuts through
With ease

My body
Into pieces
Eleven right now
But more
Soon
There will be
More
Always more

Cursed
I was
With too much
Love to give
You all see it
As hearts
I see it
As a blade

Even though, i appear fine
It cuts through me every time

My life
It's like
I'm writing
A book
Not sure
How long
What chapter
I'm on
What things
In it
Are worthy
Of what
Would be
Full chapters?
How long
Does this
Book have
Left to go?
Are there
More chapters
Or am I on my last?

Often I long for the preface

You're you
That, i can see
Its plain as day
But you're just like me

And it's weird to say
After stating that, but you know
We're totally different
From our joys to our woes

And i can love you for that
Even looking past
The fallen birds
That have amassed

I hope it's true
Because i want to take flight
And for our love to never die
As we fly off in the night

Eleven eighteen
The day that I'm freed
From the chains that bind
Me to that cloudy state of mind
The day I'll never forget
That started out so wet
It ended so perfectly though
A flawless boat to row
I hope it never ends
As it so often tends
Nothing I'd rather see
And with no one I'd rather be

I've always been a mistake
It seems you planned it
Now it does anyway
We've been rivals so long
At each other's throats
Like dogs, ever read the book
Call of the Wild?
I imagine that
You made me do all of this
You lead me into this
Only to make me drown
In my own coffin that you built
And they say
"Its ok, God will save you
He can make everything better"
Is that true?
That's what they're supposed
To think huh?
But they don't know
What you hide from them
They don't know you
Like I do
You planned all of this
Didn't you, God?
It's been you the whole time
Well I'm ready, ******
Let's do battle, let's fight
And when I win
When I kick your ***
You don't get to **** with me
Not anymore
I get to be happy permanently
Got it?
Bring it on, *******.

I picked up some pieces
Broken pieces
I put them in a bag
Figured i'd wait until later
To put them together
And i went along
About my business
But at a certain point,
I realized that
For every piece i picked up
Five more appeared
In another place
This brings me to the
Conclusion that
I'll never finish
I'll be done when i die
And i will have accomplished
Nothing i set out for
All of my hearts desires
Will rest in the ground
Without content
It took me this long to see that
My efforts were wasted
And yet i still feel the need
To pick up more broken pieces
And each time i see
Other pieces being formed
Uniting on their own
Without my help
I see pieces of my own
Falling from my body
With shattering descent
Looking behind, i see no one
Picking up what i've left
Do i have to pick up those too?
I feel like a mess
And when it's all said and done,
When i'm dead,
My bag will weigh forty tons
A full bag of broken

There is no such thing
In this so destructive life
As a weak martyr

How did this happen?
Through maturity
I became something hateful
But I did not realize
As it was happening
Sometimes it takes one
To make one
New
I was like this before
And I was happy before
It's possible
Dealing with sadness
Made me like that
And now I remember
That life is better
With a wakeup call
With awareness
With people
With things
With respect
And with nature
But not with being subdued
By those things
Just accepting them
Separately, equally
With that, I start life again
Happier, more in love
With the woman of my dreams
Because she made me
What I used to be
She made me
New

He would never talk
But he was not shy
She was a streetsmart girl
But she cannot lie
They were perfect for each other
You can say it now
Cause in your heart its love

My feelings
Are more
Important
Than yours

Drop dead
I don't care
I won't worry

Another
Or just me
Can't know
Won't know
Until long gone
Emotions
Fading
1,2,3
Gone
Psychopath mode
Love
Still present
Still debilitating
Still for one
Happiness
Loading
Loading
L o a d i n g . . .
Hope
Loading
Loading
L o a d i n g . . .

I'm down on myself
I've been thrown on the shelf
I don't wish i were dead
But never born instead
Oh you wanna be friends
Well i think that depends
I can tell you what i think
Until the cinderblocks sink
I'll help you with things
Like the madness love brings
I'll say you look good
True meaning understood
I can listen to your life
Oh, you live with great strife
I can give you advice
Without any price
I'll watch you marry
With the burden i carry
You can look toward me
With the loyalty that was free
Make my weekends and nights
With no fits, feuds, or fights
I can **** and lie for you
Until the day i die for you
Or
And this is just a shot in the dark
With the bullet as a spark
I can call you mine
Until the end of time
We'll descend into love as we must
And we can just see where that takes us

This is a haiku
I hope everyone likes it
It's snowing on mount fuji

When our desired destination
Is just a right turn
Why do we then
Go left
Drive around the block
Once, twice, three times
Take three more left turns
Ending up where we started
And realize only then
How to turn right?

And how come, by then,
That road doesn't exist anymore?

Because we were never really
Behind the wheel at all

Your family
Brother, sister
Mother, father
Niece, nephew
They're all you've got
In this world where
Everyone is out to get you
It seems, family,
It's all you can trust
You may hate them
As people, sometimes
You can't really help that
They may treat you badly
They might break you
From time to time
But they're all you've got
You know?
And whether you like it or not
They stay forever
And they love you
Not because they should
But because that's just
Something inside us all
We sorta have to
Love our family
No real choice in the matter
So trust them
Help them
Love them
It's not like
You have much of a choice
They're yours
For good

It's 12:01 a.m.
On two-twenty eight
My life isn't over
But i've suffered my fate
And although i know
I still can't think
My heart, it throbs
Every time i blink
Third person, limited
Objective is the view
Drunk with sadness
Don't know what to do
The point is coming
It's coming pretty soon
For this poem, this poem
This poem on the moon
I mention the day
Because it's a special one
An anniversary of sorts
When a miracle was done
She'll be happy, i hope
But i'll never really know
She's a flower, right,
'Cept she needs space to grow
I'll ***** my heart out
If i go on much more
At least it's not another poem
About the stupid *****
So feliz cumpleaños
My sweet girl
I hope you wish...
Whoops, gotta hurl!

You told me of a time
When you relinquished it all
The feelings you had
Because you felt you had to
To not get burned
And now you do it again
There's nothing I can do
You're convinced
And so one day I'll cry
Or die
And you will be happier
And you won't be burned
Except you won't know

You wouldn't be burned regardless
Not with me
You'll never burn with me
I care too much
I wish you did too

No food to eat
And no shoes on my feet
I can't feel my toes
Because there is no heat
A death stare
Into the frozen air
My mind is beat
From all the wear and tear
Dreams of old
Silver and gold
Wither away from it
In the dusky cold
Fake or real
Wounds won't heal
Strip away the scars
To see what they reveal
Tracks of sand
A broken hand
Tickets sealed it
In a solid red brand
***** and ill
Hold hope still
As long as i can
To dodge the ****
Weathered and wilted
Neck is tilted
All the worries
None the guilted
Alone and poor
Dead at the core
Giving up looking
For something worth living for

I'm repulsive, aren't i?
My sullen stature
My barren body
I find myself to be so
They all hate me
All of the people
Even She hates me now
I can feel it in her words
Hear it in her voice
See it in her signs
I do everything i can
But what can i do
Really, i'm just me
I'm nice and loving
It seems to be too much
But i can't stop
Because i love them
And i love her
And i'll die
Before i let them go

Wind and worry
Never clouded
The true light

When gravel and dirt
Pave the way
To our desires

We know
It's nature
For us now

To wait it out
Until next time
Through the sting

Hugs and flirts
A touch in the morning
And a kiss of evening

Anticipation grows
For tomorrow knows
No more woes

Sing or die
Dance again
And go today
Make it or break it
A revolution
Your motions
Like planets
All in alignment
To be or not to be
To do or not to do
And really
To know or not to
Is whether or not
To live is your leisure
For you to find out

Such a weird feeling
To be around you
I've never felt
So happy, and yet
So utterly sad
At the same time
I've never wanted
To **** myself
So much, while
I'm smiling, and laughing
And thinking about what could be
If i just don't give up
I have this outlandish idea
That you don't want me to give up
That i have to show you
Truly how far i'll go
I would tear down this planet
And build a new one
Just so you'd have a new place
To go to get away from me
Trust me, love
As much as your instinct tells you not to,
Let go, and trust me. Please