ill never be the same.

im ruined.

im not nice, or pretty, or considerate.

i do not love my father nor my step mother.

i am not and never will be bubbly

and i will never be someone that everyone wants to be around.

i am not and never will be special, or worthy of love.

i will never love wholeheartedly again.

and no one will ever love me.

im stuck.
between hating you
and
hating myself for loving you.

im stuck.
between wanting to live
and
wanting to die.

im stuck.
between a family religion
and
my own identity.

im stuck.

someone,

please,

help me...

you dont understand that leaving is the right thing to do.
that i have to, in order to cause you minimal pain.
the pain that i would cause by staying and continuing to hurt you would build up to be more than the pain i will cause by leaving.

my last relationship i ****** up and honestly i dont even know how i did it. the one person who loved me truly and purely, i pushed away for you and then you left and im not so sure what to do anymore.

your sister wrote down something and shared it anonymously but i knew who it was... i knew. and it hurt me, and made me think that if i leave and i fail, my sister will be in your sisters place. so i need to leave and i need to do it fast, and soon.

you dont understand my reasons but i know that someone someday someone will read this and know exactly why.

my mother doesnt really love me, and i dont know what the **** my father is to me. my step mom is overbearing and wont leave me alone...

my granddaddy told me days ago that i was his reason for living. i wish he hadnt told me that.

i have lost a lot of my friends... im stupid and i dont know why i do or say things. one of my cousins hates me, and i pretend to hate them too.

i could have been friends with my ex but i ****** that up.

i have all of these valid reasons in doing this. and still im a ******* coward and wont leave.

im overthinking.

so ill write. to everyone, and once i am finished, ill leave.

ill tie up all the lose ends, maybe ill even do it up in a nice little bow.

decided to use an computer generated date system, to pick the day of my demise.

what were the odds of in the first set of 5 dates, one was my mothers birthday, only 5 days before my own?

what were the odds that 2 of the 5 dates were alone in my birth month?

what were the odds that 2 of the dates were EXACTLY a month apart.

what were the odds that all the dates would have my favorite numbers?

what were the odds that the second group of numbers was my birthday, or even almost a month before so?

what were the odds of all of those numbers looking right on a tombstone?

i did what they asked.
i asked for help.
and as i knew it would be
they refused me.

i dont really understand,
why this happens to me.
why my father doesn't truly care.
why my mother is in prison.
why i cant help but want to die,
or try and fly away.
everytime nana is near,
i feel my eyes pleading with her.
she once told me
'just wait, your time will come.'
but im sure thats just what she tells herself
so she doesn't go insane.

as she walked out of that door,
she took all my emotions,
the love, the hate, all of them
now im stuck here trying to
find me,  without her
and i know that this 'me'
wont be as good as the last,
even though the last wasnt
good either.

they get everything handed to them
and i get everything ripped from me.
but that's how it goes, i guess.
they'll get the perfect job,
psh, more like sleeping with the boss.
i'll get the perfect job,
work my way to the top.
all blood, sweat, and tears,
breaking all of my fears.
those stories are the best right?
the one where the trillionaire
made herself, she couldn't
get a break, and then she decided
that she didn't need one,
and that instead of ******* her
way to the top,
she took it.
she didnt have
the best childhood,
in fact, she doesn't
talk to her family,
she lives in luxury.
something she's never
had before.
they may have everything handed to them,
but if its given, is it really theirs?
because doesn't that mean that whoever
gave it to them, has the power to take it away.
and i may get everything ripped from me,
but, one day, they will have everything
ripped from them,
and i shall finally be at peace.

i've spent so much time
loving you
and now that i've found
my self-respect
and i'm ready to move
onto the next,
i find myself lost
in a state of confusion
because for the past
three years
i've just focused on you
and now
i don't know how
to feel for another  
man

i've tried so hard
in convincing myself
that i understand

but honestly,


*i don't