everyone says that you don't actually need your boyfriend, you just want him.
but i do, i need him.
and tell that to the old woman whose husband just died and she loved her whole life.
and when they pronounce her dead and they say it was 'broken-heart-syndrome' tell her family that the doctors were wrong, that no one can die from an emotionally induced heart break .
i dare you. tell them.
and if you wouldnt tell that old woman, why would you tell me that?
and when i ask you that, don't tell me that its different because its not.
because i love him, just as much as that old woman loved her husband.
and just because she was born in a different time, that their generation was completely different.
and don't tell me that everything will be fine, because it won't.
i won't ever be able to forget him, like i've been able to forget the others from before.
don't tell me it's just a want.

i could do *it

knowing that i mean nothing to you
makes me want to cease to exist
because if you, the one who chose to love me
cease to love me anymore
and i dont have you
what am i

so many plans
plans to get you back
shattered because
stupidly i thought you loved me,
but of course
you *dont

you are less ignorant than yesterday, but still more than tommorow.

What do you say when you
Are with people? You say you
Want to be alone. What do you say
When you are alone? You say you
Want to be with people.

I'll tell you why that is. It's because
You are never alone. Your thoughts
Are always there. Sometimes you
May welcome them, but other times
They scare you.

You remember things that you don't
Want to. The less you want them there,
The more they stay. They torture you.
They infect your mind like a disease.
The more you tell them to go away,
The more they defy you.

They come in all forms. They're words,
Or they're pictures, maybe moving pictures.
The only sure-fire way to stop this virus, is
To leak a new one. This one must be pleasant.
Just like Peter Pan, you must think happy thoughts.

as i saw you for the first time in forever
and as we embraced
i felt you slip from between my fingers...

i want you, only you
but, who the **** are you?

i love you, you see
but you dont love me, maybe never did
i want to use & abuse guy after guy
just to make you see what you've done to me
just to make you jealous
just to sate the pain, the hunger, the desire
but i just remembered...
you would have to care for me to be able to hurt you
and you dont.

shes an amazing person
she doesnt deserve this
shes one of my bestfriends
and im here only one
as i cried from the pain she felt
he asked what was wrong
and all i could do was lie
'nothing im perfect...'
when all i wanted to do was
ask him to hold me
even just for a day

its crazy
the adults dont see
two years ago
we were all happy as could be
its crazy
the adults dont see
two years have gone by
and were all ready to die
its crazy
the adults dont see
how hard we really try
its crazy
the adults dont see
they just believe its a phase
but the fact that these feelings
have become the norm
is killing our society
its crazy
the adults dont see
how happy we really want to be

time *****
it is always moving
never stopping
controlling our lives
it makes us late,
or unreasonably early
when relaxing
theres never enough
when suffering
there always too much
time

i want to die,
but its so hard to say
*goodbye

i hear
the beat of my hollow heart
i see
the fake smile plastered on my face
i feel
the watering of my eyes
i need
worth
i want
love

i am at a loss within myself.

how can anyone love me when im so flawed and i cant even love myself?

my life is measured in numbers.
52002 days ive lived, ive breathed.
498 days since ive seen my mother.
175 days to find my change.
176 days till the first day of highschool.
my life is measured in numbers, and this is what keeps me sane.
seeing progress.

when words are not enough, i dont know what is...

boy meets girl
fall in love
live happily ever after.
so... cliché right?
wrong
1 out of ever 2 marriages end in divorce
and
1 out of every 2 marriages have had a spouse cheat..
so when you think happily ever after is cliché, think again.
in 5, 10, 20 years people won't even want to get married.
would you?
knowing that you have a 50% chance of divorcing 'the love of  your life' and even if it doesn't end in divorce there is a 50% chance that you will cheat, or will be cheated on?

i aspire to be a writer so i can have my fantasies fulfilled, as sad as it sounds i will live through my characters and i will never write just for the money, all my books will be connected with me. if i ever publish, i will take time to meet my fans and explain my inspirations. because as a reader, i always want to know more...

'everyone has changed since the beginning of the year'*

'yeah, everyone is broken...'

i want people to want me
i want attention
i want to have the best high school experience
i want someone to hold me
i want someone to love me
i want to know who i am
i want to be me
i want to be noticed
i want to be liked
i want to be loved to the most extent
i want
i want
i want
i want to die sometimes
but does 1 want override more than 10?
i want to understand.

i feel it coming to attack-
my feet drag-
my head spins-
i find it hard to get out of bed again-
my soul wants to live, but my mind is trying so hard to die-

i cant tell
if you
actually
have power over me,
or if i allow you too.
sure right now,
you have at least a little,
but in 1 year? 2?
ill be 16
ill already have
a
foot
out
the
door.
but,
of course
"thats fine by you".
you beg and plead
"dont pull away."
sadly,
daddy,
im not pulling as
much as you are
pushing
im ready to walk away-
mentally-
will i be ready to defy you in a year.
will i have the courage?

grades dropping,
heart stopping,
i find it hard to breathe.
throat closing,
tears flowing,
losing my most important thing.

Дата была установлена.
то не существует.
Я действительно не хочу, чтобы это сделать.
но,
я на самом деле.*



*the date was set.
then it didn't exist.
i really dont want to do this.
but,
i really do.

i wish i had any other addiction than this;







breathing.

what i wrote:
L----,
to old memories.
happy valentines day.
A------.

what i wanted to write:
L----,
to old memories,
the ones that i miss and cry about,
our first kiss, all the precious words and gifts..
i miss you and i still love you, i dont know what to do.
i dont know if you feel this way.
im broken, was broken and you accepted, or at least dealt with me,
for that i will always love you.
if you still have those letters from exactly a year ago, read them,
if you dont, just remember with all your heart the words that i wrote.
its still all so true.
i really do still love you.
A------.

"we know that you have suicidal thoughts..."
then why havent you done anything to help me?
why wont you let me get medicine for it?
**"you dont know anything."

confusion has its hold on me
im confused if i even want to breathe
im confused if i even want him
im confused if ill ever make it out alive
cause if theres a god, he knows how hard i strive to stay alive.

le monde autour de moi se déplace, vie
je reste, mourant
juste pour que je peux vous regarder
attendre que vous remarquez moi mourir
attente
pour
vous*

*the world around me moves, lives
i stay, dying
just so i can watch you
wait for you to notice me dying
waiting
for
you

ive been in bad places before.
ive been in amazing places before.
and im not really sure where i am right now.
black is my bad, white is my amazing,
and right now all i see and feel is hazy.
of course i see color - those of you who dont understand me-
i see the brown and green of the trees, the yellows and reds of flowers.
the heavenly in-betweens that have no name.
yes i see those but you dont understand what i am trying to convey,
i feel a darkness, and black hole swallowing up, trying to take my existance,
but i feel a lightness, an open-ness, something so calming...
but now? now i am gray.
i cant tell if i feel sad or mad or anything negative,
i cant tell if i feel happy and excited or anything positive.
so i am gray, i am a mix i am in such a strange state.
so i am not sad, and i am not happy.
i just simply am.
and i am okay with this.
i dont have to ask why i am sad,
i dont have to wonder how long i would be happy.
i am simply in between...
i just simply am.

maintenant je prendrais le dysfonctionnement d'un M. Grey, se il ne aimerait moi.

*(right now i would take the dysfunction of a Mr. Grey, if he would only love me.)

ive done this all for him,
and he doesnt even see.
how pathetic can i be?
but i love him you see.
i really shouldn't feel this way,
without him i feel a slow decay rotting me   a
                                                                ­                  w
                                                                ­                       a
                                                               ­                            y...
i dont want to be this way.
everyone that i love has hurt me,
the ones that i will forever love have hurt me the worst...
i havent seen my mother in 2 years.
i havent touched his skin, like those times late night spent.
i wonder where all these things that i loved went,
and why it was replaced with aching pain
coursing
through
my
very
dead
but
very
alive
veins.

mommy...
so much has happened since they took us away.
all the bad things were blamed on you.
im sorry for that, it was just easier instead of telling the truth.
mommy...
im a horrible person, but this you already knew, and you still loved me.
i cut myself, and i dreamed of... leaving forever.
but you still loved me, you're the only one.
mommy...
i haven't seen you in two years, and they expect me not to see you for the next four.
mommy...
i need you.
mommy...
i miss you.
mommy...
i will forever love you...