Me: Hey mom! Do you remember that style of shoe I wore for years?

Mom: No honey, that was a long time ago.
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember doing my make-up for my 8th grade dance?

Mom: No, I was too out if it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Me: Gets reverse cared played on me

Mom: Hey, uh, you don't remember seeing me in the bathroom back then right?

Me: Oh no mom! I let you have your privacy. I didn't want to intrude.

Me: In my head I remember everything...
---------------------------------------------------­------------------------------------------
Dear Mom,
     I remember EVERYTHING! The drugs, the stealing, and the lying...we all remember mom! I will never understand why you are the way you are. You picked favorites and basically said "*******!" to all your other children. You even stated that there's no reason for you to keep your sobriety all because your "Number 1 Son" doesn't want anything to do with you! You said that you have nothing else to stay clean for...WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHILDREN! I'm so angry with you! All the **** I did for you! Just for you to throw away being a mother! What's new though huh? Why did I expect any different? Why did I ever believe in you? Why did I think you would change and defended you when others said you would fail? Why couldn't you just have been a regular ******* mom! I hate you mom! I wish you had never had children because you don't deserve to see our joy after you talk **** about us and tear us down! I'll forgive you, but I'm so mad at you!
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
There's a mother's love that I long to have that I will NEVER have...

What a mother's love...to just give up on your children.

Thanks mom.

I gave you all had to lose
my soul my heart my finest Jul
I lowered my walls so you could break them
for what? for you to hurt me again
I thought you were better than the others
but I thought wrong
this what I get for thinking and not knowing I guess
you taught me not to trust people so easily
so now people have to gain my trust which I should have done in the first place.
so now that I think of it you taught me a life lesson so thanks


By Michayla

I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

I HATE YOU!!!

It's so difficult to go through the motions of life knowing that I'm a stereotype...
It's so difficult to have dreams of becoming "something" and then have them crushed...
It's so difficult to wake up daily terrified of making the smallest mistakes...
It's so difficult to be alive in this generation.

I want to be known for things other than being a foster kid once to becoming adopted to being chronically depressed to intentionally and unintentionally suicidal to being anxious everywhere. IN MY MIND.
I want to being an artist or a therapist or a musician.
I want my brain to know that it's okay to make mistakes.
I want to thrive in this generation.

Once upon a time, I hated myself...because I wasn't normal
Once upon a time, I starved myself...because I thought the number on the scale mattered more than getting energy to live.
Once upon a time, I use my body as a canvas of hate...because I felt like I deserved real pain.
Once upon a time, I really thought the world would be better without me...because I didn't like myself and I thought everyone else hated me just as much as I did.
Once upon a time, I lied...to protect those who were supposed to protect me.
Once upon a time, I was a victim to ****** abuse and never told a soul until I was given an ultimatum...because I thought I was going to be killed if I said something.
Once upon a time, I thought my life was normal...until I was shown what love was.

Telling my story over and over again never makes me feel awful...It usually means that I'm impacting someones life. I've always thought very low of myself until someone showed me what It was like to be a normal person. If I have to tell my story 100,000 more times before I die, I'll do it because I know that it changes lives.

I never actually thought that I would be in college...NEVER! I felt unworthy to follow my dreams. I felt discouraged by my own thoughts. I never thought that I would be an Aggie for Christ...but here I am after dreaming about being like the Aggies I met living at a children's home for over a year! I can testify! I can changes lives daily...I just have to make my brain calm down.

I'm not perfect: no one is, but I can say that I am a walking testimony of God's Wonderful and Merciful plans!!!

Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!

I'm afraid of fire.

I'm afraid of the fire that blazes and melts flesh.

I'm afraid of the fire I feel in my cheeks when I'm embarrassed.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm angry.

I'm afraid of the fire in my mind when I sleep.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm sad

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M AFRAID OF THE FIRE I FEEL ON MY SKIN WHEN I HAVE EXTREME URGES

My scars scream...
My skin crawls...
My head spins...

Please go away.
Please go away.
Please go away.

I say it as though I'm calm...

PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!

When I should say it like this...

I'm such a failure to myself.
If I pick up the razor, everything I just worked towards will disappear.
I will become homeless.
I will actually have no one.
I won't have anything to live for, which would give me and excuse for suicide being the answer.
I say NO!
SUICIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Suicide only kills others on the inside.
Suicide only kills the dreams of your family.
Suicide doesn't even **** you!

You think that if you **** yourself that everyone you've ever met and loved will forget about you.

You think that the memory of you is dead and that's why you think it's okay to kills yourself, when in reality your memory will become more prominent.

You think that nothing will matter to anyone when you breath your last breath, but you don't understand that everything following your suicide will matter more than ever.

You think that this is it...that you'll be in pain for the rest of your life.

Your life is going to be so beautiful!

Yes, you'll have your ups and downs, but so what? You've been through so many of those already!

Stay strong!

Even if it's for your pet fish...
Or your favorite stuffed animal...
Or your favorite TV show to come out with a new season...
Or you to order your favorite food...
Or for you to dance in the rain...
Or for you to make your very first Doctors appointment on your own...
Or to meet the love of your life...
Or to stroll downtown...
Or to go to the fanciest place ever...
Or to ride a helicopter...
Or to go fishing for the first time...
Or to get married...
Or to have your first baby...
Or to go swimming with dolphins...

I could go on and on with this list on why you should go on with your life.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Things will eventually get better.

So I titled this MIA to mean "Missing In Action," But I'm struggling with bulimia type stuff and this specific eating disorder is referred to as MIA. . .Wow.

Anyways, I haven't been on the writing grind as much and it really *****. The reason being that I'm tired of writing about food!

That's all I have right now. . .

Hi, it's me again.
It's your daughter.
I know you are in Heaven, but do you remember me?
Do you remember when you would sing to me without mom knowing?
Do you remember that last time I told you I loved you?
Do you remember THAT day?
The day that it all changed?
The day that I was pulled off you?
I miss you.
I really miss you.
I need one of your hugs!
I need you.
Sincerely, Your Daughter

I am ashamed of how much I've let myself fall. . .
I am angry at myself for not talking about it. . .
I am hurt that my brain could betray me so much. . .
I am guilty of keeping so many secrets. . .
I am disgusted at the things my brain tells me. . .

I didn't choose this. . .
I didn't ask to be so messed up in my mind. . .
I didn't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. . .
I didn't ask for my family to do the things they did. . .
I didn't want to make people worry. . .

I'm sorry for trying so hard to disappoint you. . .
I'm sorry for thinking the thoughts I think. . .
I'm sorry I'm not perfect. . .
I'm sorry for lying. . .
I'm sorry for being me at this point. . .

I can't help feeling anxious. . .
I can't help feeling depressed. . .
I can't help being afraid to gain weight. . .
I can't help feeling euphoric when my ED type thoughts win. . .
I can't help feeling hate towards myself for being super overweight. . .

I want to see my collar bones. . .
I want my clothes to continue falling off. . .
I want to see that I lost five pounds every weigh in. . .
I want to be cute. . .
I want to be sick if it means I lose weight. . .

I am sick. . .
I am confused. . .
I am scared. . .
I am dumb. . .
I am stupid. . .

Please forgive me, as I sit here pointing out every flaw. . .

My body is a canvas.
A canvas of many different mediums.
Some great.
Some awful.

How could art be awful?

This medium involved Scarlett. . .
  -Bright Scarlett. . .
Silver. . .
  -Shiny Silver. . .
Tears. . .
  -So many tears. . .

Self-harm is something I truly never thought I would find.
I never thought that I could inflict so much physical pain on myself, when everyone saw me as the "baby" of the family.

You know, it's always been easier to be the cause of the pain. That way, you can actually stop the pain. But I didn't want to. I liked feeling the "real" pain. I didn't have access to drugs or alcohol, so I found something else to get addicted to.

At first it wasn't as bad.
One cut.
Then two.
Then three.
Then one whole top of my thigh.

I still didn't think it was bad.
I was oblivious.

Then something happened.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Psychosis and PTSD.
So then, the cutting got worse because I couldn't stand the thought of being everyone's problem.
I couldn't stand the truth of what "I" was.
I was THE problem.

Everyone had to put their lives on hold.
For me. . .
I hated myself.

I was crying out for help, but I was invisible.
I was hidden in plain sight and I might as well have put on a show for my family.
Called, "Welcome to the Destruction of a Ghost!"
Because I was invisible!!!

Oh, but it was all my fault?

How?

I eventually started to dissociate.
Meaning, I had no clue what I was doing or where I was.
I starting waking up with more throbbing wounds that I didn't remember.
I was in danger.

Oh!
That's nothing.
The worst of it all was when I would dissociate AND have a psychotic episode.
The voices grew louder each day, until I cut deep enough to need stitches.
I never got those stitches.
I was still hidden in plain sight.

I. . .Finally. . .Got. . .Help!

Two years, 11 psych wards, and so much pain.

I've been clean for 4 months.
It's a battle that I fight everyday, but I'm a warrior with the proper training.

I've gotten rid of that awful medium on this canvas.

Now I express myself through the power of words, writing music, and putting my thoughts in to illustrated art!

Honestly, I'm not really sure what I'm feeling.
Anger.
Sadness.
Betrayal.
Shame.
Guilt.
Confused.
Numb.

That last one is weird. Feeling numb is like feeling so many emotions all at once, you're not sure what to feel.
Every time I need a friend to talk to they are too busy for me.
They're hanging out having the time of their lives with other friends or even better, they're drunk.
Sometimes I feel like people are too nice to me.
It's like they're super sorry for me.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me anymore.
It made me feel too comfortable and I don't want to constantly feel sorry for myself.
I'm too nice to people.
People that take my kindness and use it against me.
I've felt like I've been the problem all my life.
I am not the problem, but I still feel the pain.
I'm better than this.
I'm stronger than this.
It just hurts so much!
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm looking at a stranger.
I feel like I'm staring at the very definition of a dissapointment.
I don't know where I went.
I disappeared.
I'm getting so much better.
I don't want to go back!
I know that those who really love me will support me.
I feel so jealous sometimes.
Why can't I have some of the things others get so easily?
My brother and I just can't ever catch a break.
It's always something.
Sometimes I want to not feel the pain.
Sometimes I think about getting drunk so I can feel at ease just for a little while.
But I can't because I could easily become and alcoholic like my dad.
Sometimes I want to do the worst drugs so that I can "feel" okay, just for a little while.
But I can't because I could easily become an addict like my mom.
I love college!
I will continue to stay motivated and not let this pull me back into the darkness.
I want to stay happy and close to those who really care.
My heart is hurting.
I've been thrown to the wolves for my weakness'
Being ***** by my older brother and being told tonight that I "wanted" it.
That I "asked" for it.
I'm just in so much pain!
Will it ever end on it's own?
Everyone seems so ******* perfect!
Even though I know they are not.
I want to stop feeling so alone.
I want to seem perfect in other people's eyes.
I'm always the one who ******* up!
I'm always the problem!
I'm the weak one!
Mental illness *****!
Having major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, and the newest diagnosis of bipolar all *****!
In a perfect world, only those who really love and support me would exist.
That would put me out of the world though because I hate myself more than anyone.
I've so much more progress in my life than anyone in my family.

It's been a couple nights sense my hatred and anger felt threatening.
I was asked if I was homicidal.
I said only slightly passive thoughts.
I could never hurt someone but the thoughts made me feel like I was an inch away from committing ******.

I don't think that there's a day that goes by that I'm not told to try. Everyday someone that crosses my path, tells me to try.
"Try to smile."
"Try to laugh."
"Try to be optimistic."
"Try to love harder."
"Just try..."

One of the hardest "tries" is to live. To continue to live in a world that is so filled with hate, judgement, evil standards, confusion, and too many expectations.

I'm not even attempting to exaggerate when I say that my mind is so clouded with the mental pollution that the world shoves into it. A daily battle that is not something to joke about. A biohazardous waste land just waiting for the right amount of "hazard."

I have "tried" to feel like I have purpose here.
{Good news; I have a huge purpose!}

I have "tried" to make everyone happy.
{I've learned that it's impossible and I need to make myself happy for a change}

I have "tried" to live.
{I'm living; finally!}

I am "trying."

Dear Future You,
You're a badass, but please remember how you've changed and how you got to where you are now.

Winter reminds me of the many scars permanently embedded onto my skin. (Because I hated literally everything about existing, but couldn't not live.)

Spring reminds me of all those I've lost. (Because the universe thought to ironically place all the deaths in the same set of months.)

Summer reminds me of my many vacations to the ****** bin. (Because I couldn't go during the school year, that would be inconvenient .)

Autumn reminds me of the best time of my life. (Because I love school and I know that no one can take that away from me.)

I was 15.
I was a freshman in high school.
I had just moved to a new school for the last 6 weeks.
I had just moved in with my adoptive family.
I was very vulnerable.
I was quiet.
I was scared.
I was a joke to everyone.
I was a disappointment.

Some context would be nice I'm sure.

I was *****.
I was in pain mentally and physically.
I was terrified of people.
I was taken advantage of because I was a ******.
I was once clean.
I felt *****.
I felt numb for the most part.
I was called a liar.
I was just a kid.

The worst part was that it was family.

I was the sister.
I was misunderstood.
I was confused.
I was ashamed of myself.
I thought it was the end for me.
I wanted to know what death felt like.
I tied things around my neck.
I swallowed hand fulls.
I was one wrong move from actually jumping.

Nothing I did made me happy anymore.

I went to a hospital.
I went to another hospital.
I went again.
I went a fourth time.
I went a fifth time.
I went a sixth time.
I went a seventh time.
I went an eighth time.
I'm sure you get the pattern.

It all literally made me a waste of space because I was a zombie.

Medication.
Sleep.
Hatred.
Anger.
Sadness.
Fear.
Disappo­intment.
Shame.
Confusion.

You name it and I felt it.

I didn't think that things would ever get better.
I didn't love myself.
I cared way too much about the number on the scale.
I starved myself.
I made my throat a new home for my fingers.
I sliced my skin.
I gave myself bruises.
I banged my head against the wall.
I tortured myself daily.

It never crossed my mind that I was hurting those I love.

I felt like the world was crumbling at my feet.
I felt alone.
I thought my life was in slow motion.
I stopped smiling.
I couldn't hear the birds sing.
I always just saw gray.
I couldn't smell the rain.
I didn't want anyone to be happy.
I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling.

The journey was long, but worth it.

I'm living life.
I see that my body is imperfectly imperfect.
I don't focus on my flaws anymore.
I got rid of the scale.
I learned to love.
I'm in college.
I'm living in my own place.
I have support.
I am enough.

The road is so very long, but not everlasting.

You'll get through this!
You'll find who you are!
You'll learn to love yourself!
You'll enjoy life!
You'll impact others who need you!
You'll find the love of your life!
You'll find where you belong in this world!
You'll grow through what you go through!
You'll make it, I promise!

I am a survivor!
You are a survivor!

I get it!
I really get it!

Most days I heard, "Hey Fatty!" more than I heard, "Hello!"
Most days I looked in the mirror at my biggest enemy.
Most days I just cried.

I never understood how someone could just look at me and tell me that I'm fat.
I am not blind.
I KNOW THAT I'M FAT and I don't need you to point it out for the 20th time today!!!
I really do know that I'm fat and I wish I could change it.

I tried to change it.
By starving myself.
By forcing my fingers to the back of my throat.
By exercising until I passed out.

I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Please stop reminding me!
Please stop haunting my thoughts with those hateful words!
Please think before you speak!
Please!

I realized that starving myself wasn't helping and I was just in pain because of how hungry I was.

I realized that making myself ***** wasn't helping either, I would just cry because I knew that the food in my stomach was getting absorbed.

I realized that exercising until I passed out wasn't right, but I wasn't going to stop.

The suicide attempts.
Just because I wasn't thin enough.
Just because I let myself eat more that one rice cake.
Just because no one believed me.
Just because I hated myself.
Just because of you!

I get it!
I really get it!
I'm fed up!

I am enough just the way I am!
I am enough no matter what you think!
I am enough because I'm me!

So please, stop calling us "FAT", we know and we see us even bigger than you see us.
Just stop.
We are nice and friendly, just give us a chance!

If you are FAT, they judge you.
If you are SKINNY, they judge you.
If you are PRETTY, they judge you.
If you are UGLY, they judge you.
If you LIVE, they judge you.
If you DIE, "***, they were such a good person. I miss them so much!"



RIP

Offenders Name: Destiny

Location of Unit: Prison of Minds, Suicide Town

Charges: Any and Every Mental Illness

Time Sentenced: Life

Cell: Suicide Wing 101

Visitation Rights: All Who Actually Care