Even though mental illness spreads across the world like wildfire, we sit here vaguely describing how it actually feels to deal with it. We say we feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, and frightened but we never go in-depth.
Hers is how it feels for me:
Depression makes me feel like my bed has come alive and it has swallowed me. It wraps my body in sadness that never goes away. It is a monster like no other that doesn't want to just hunt me down, it wants to make my life miserable and those around me hate how I act.
Anxiety makes me think that everyone hates me or is secretly trying to betray me. It makes me think I'm being followed or that any second, the worst things possible will happen. It makes me feel insecure about everything! EVERY SINGLE THING!
I point out every single flaw that I have. This resulting in an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but it is a false diagnosis. Yes, I eat a lot of food at one time, but I purge it shortly after consumption. This feels awful. I can't ever get away from a thought revolving around food. I HATE FOOD, but I have to eat it so nothing is suspicious. I know that this is a mental illness, but to outsiders, it looks like an awful choice of suffering. Control is all I want! I can't control my whole life, but I can control food! I wish to break every mirror I see because I am terrified of the monster I might see. The euphoria I feel thinking about how I can get sicker and somewhat smaller makes me feel like I have to listen to this voice in my head. This voice we are told is made up, but it feels so real. Our subconscious hating us more and more every day.
Bipolar Type 1 disorder is something I really never wanted to experience. I didn't want to be more of a problem. I feel like a problem. People who know that I have the diagnosis seem to walk on eggshells around me. They look at me like saying "hi" will trigger me. I just want to be normal!