I am
so angry
all of the time
and
I think
I am going to
drown
in my own rage

My sister
made the same
joke as you
it kinda hurt
because I knew that
you two
would become
really good friends

I wish

you would've
fought harder
I was willing to fight
for you
I was willing
to do
whatever it took
to be with you

I guess that says
more about you
than it does
about me

if I'm being honest,
there's this anger
inside of me
all the time.
sometimes it's light
and I don't feel it, but
other times
I can't control it
sometimes, I let it out
on people
then it becomes worse.
this anger...
it never goes away
it's always here
it's tainting my heart
but sometimes,
I like this anger
it makes me feel empowered
it makes me feel strong
it makes me feel like I have
something to fight for,
like I have people to fight for
my anger is towards
the opposite

maybe in another life
like lovers
like an actual couple
with no fears
with no regrets
no hesitations
no restrictions
no rejections
just us
just you and me
in another lifetime

Please...
just anything that would change something,
within me...
within them...
just something...
anything...

and tell me how
I cannot be comfortable
in my own skin,
the skin I was born in

I look around me
and I feel envious,
envious
of how
everyone walks around
carrying themselves

I wish I was as bright as the colors I wear.

Please,
don’t wake me up tomorrow
just let me choke
on all my sobs and cries
til I can’t breathe
til I can’t see
til I am no longer here

I hope you find me
in every single thing you do

you act protective
you have a good heart
but that's not what I hear
coming out of your mouth
I hate the way you talk
I hate the way you think
I think I might even hate you,
just a little bit

If I’m being honest
I have never felt
comfortable in my own body
I always thought
my chest was never
big enough for my heart
my mind
too slow for my thoughts
and my weight
too light to
handle all this heaviness

sometimes,
I forget to breathe
and when I do,
I feel even
more suffocated

they say I should forgive him
that no matter what happens in life
he's still my dad
and whatever things
he has said to me
he didn't mean them
or that he just simply
forgot
that whatever wounds
he left me I should just
cover up
put a bandaid
they say
but I tell them
bandaids
don't fix bullet holes

I just want to sleep
so I don't get to feel anything
and then I wonder,
when my last sleep is going to come
just so I don't get to feel anything
for a very long time

most of my days
I don't feel like living
but today,
standing with you
sitting with you
laughing with you
it made me want
to keep living
it made me
wanting more
wishing more
being more
than what I am

I remember the way
you looked at me
with so much disgust
with so much hate
it made me feel unwanted
it made me feel like a bug
I'd say that was the first time
I ever truly hated you
It's been two years
and I cannot forget
the way you looked at me
with so much hate
with so much disgust

Please don't get high
just to see me again
it's much simpler than that
my darling
all you have to do is call
and we'll run
until we break through

Please
tell me
you didn't burn
all my things

I think
I'm the fool
who let you go

stand up my darling
don't go down
on your knees
just for me

some days are light
some days are nice
it's easy to laugh
and it's easy to be happy
but,
other days are heavy
really heavy
where I don't want to smile
where I don't enjoy
how nice the weather is
and little things
don't make me as happy

let me watch
all the little things
you do
the way your eyes crinkle
when you laugh
the way your dimples pop
when you smile
the way you hug so warmly
the way you scrunch your nose
let me watch how you move your hands
when you explain to me
something you are passionate about
let me ask you questions
no one has ever asked before
let me hear what your answers will be
because I wanna know
everything about everyone

your footsteps
echo through the hall

it truly
makes my skin crawl

it makes me anxious,
it makes me sick

and truly,
I don't know what it is

I think
I associate your footsteps
with something bad

something happened
something sad
something, that weighs heavily
on my back

I tried to think
I tried to remember
but I came back empty

empty of memories
empty of meaning
empty of all the things
I should be feeling

so tell me
why your footsteps
makes my skin crawl?

I just want to know
how to deal with it all

in my world,
I am pretty
I am beautiful
I am confident
I am smart
I am successful
and I am a woman
but,
in his world,
I am ugly
I am hideous
I am an attention-seeking *****
I am stupid
I am unsuccessful
and, I am not a man

your ******* condescending laugh
your sarcastic tone
I hate them
I hate so many things
about you now
I wonder how long it's gonna
take til I hate
you as a whole.

My heart feels heavy
my darling
I'll talk to you
when I wake up
if I ever do...

my heart felt heavy
not metaphorically
but physically
because someone said
something to me that
made me uneasy
and made my heart
physically heavy
not light heavy,
but heavy heavy
like someone was
stomping on my
heart
and stepping on my
chest

my heart breaks
when I hear you

minute by minute
day by day

how can you not see
that you deserve the world?
that you've suffered enough
that you are enough
that all I think about is
taking your pain
and enduring it myself

just so I can see you at ease
I wouldn't complain
not even once
not ever

I think
a part of me died
when you did
I wish,
the roles
were reversed
and I was the one
who died
instead.
the world
would have been
a better place
if you were here
instead of me.
it wouldn't matter
if I were alive or dead
but you on the other hand
you, my darling
you would have made
all the difference
in the universe

They say
home
is where
the heart is
but
if my heart is with you
then,
where does that
leave me...?

I can't kiss you sorry...
I can't kiss you goodnight...
I can't kiss you goodbye...
I just can't...
I don't think,
I can ever again...

you think I need you?
you think I need to be protected?
I don't ******* need you
where were you when it mattered?
where were you when I actually needed you?
I don't ******* need you
I didn't need you then,
and I don't need you now

I think,
I hate you
and I know,
I know that "hate" is such a strong word
but,
that's how I feel about you
you give to people,
and you're generous but,
you also take,
you took my youth,
my innocence,
my opportunities,
my confidence,
and my love for you
I don't need them anymore though,
just like I don't need you

She was the kind who saw
the perfect in imperfect things

she sees the world through a different lens,
but maybe it's her eyes that reflect
the imperfect into perfectness

and how would she convince the world,
that what she sees is perfect as it is?

sometimes I think,
that my thoughts are bigger than me.
sometimes I think,
my thoughts will consume me
sometimes I think,
this is too much
sometimes I think
and I think
and I think
til I about die from thinking.

thought it was over
thought I would love life
but I hate it even more
I love people
but I don't love
myself anymore

she is inspirational
she makes me
want to be ambitious
she gives me
the feeling of
being alive
it's almost unreal,
she makes me
want to be a better me

I like watching people be themselves
no filters
just themselves
these are the moments that I live for
because without them
I don't think I can keep going,
I don't think I can keep breathing

Did you
hear my heart break
when I sat beside you
while you were telling
your life story

that was
one of the moments
where I felt
my heart break
like
𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 break

The first time
had something to do with you
but,
this time
this time was different
because this time
I felt helpless
because this time
I couldn't do anything
except
hear you cry

But you are not me
I am me
and I am magic

my love,
I can think of so many
things to say to you
but when I see you
I get tongue-tied
and if I say what I'm thinking
it will never come out
the way I want it to
that's what YOU do to me
you affect me with your existence
I'm sitting here,
writing this
after I read yours a thousand times
the thought in itself
is sickening
how I love the way
you make me feel
so much
but all I do is hear you speak,
hoping that one day,
I can tell you
how much you mean to me
that my darling,
you are more than words
will ever be

I am always
the one to blame
because
I hold them all together
but,
I am barely holding
myself together
the weight of them
is slowing me down
from becoming
my own person

don't
don't ever assume
my "overreaction"
you don't know what happened
for me to react
the way I did
so
sit still
and don't
ever
assume
my reaction

I always want to be forward
but no one would let me
say it would hurt you
and I never want to hurt you

I’d be lying to myself
if I ever thought
that this feeling
ever went away
it’s always rooted
deep inside of me
yes,
the feeling of
wanting to die,
it’s always there
because no matter
how many pills I take
It’ll always be here
rooted in my heart
a perpetual feeling
that’s too unusual
for me to be feeling

Words
are not enough
to express
the things I feel

I want to die
I want to live
I want to explore
I want to forgive

I want to stay here
I want to be under
the ground

I want to die
I want to live

please tell me,
when will this end?

One thought
and that was death
nothing seemed to
haunt my mind
except for death
how tired I am
how worn out I am
I'm scared to open
my eyes every day
and start breathing

my thoughts are so loud
they tune out
the sounds of birds
my eyes are so dark
they block
the shades of green
and how would I
tell my mother
that this all started
when I was sixteen
that my mind
is like a machine
it works
and it works
and it works
and never stops

one thought
and that was death
please listen to my thoughts
as I have no choice
but to listen to my own

you don't understand
how easy it was for me
to fall out of love
with life
and how could I pray
to the God
who gave me a life
I no longer want

one thought
and that was death
I'm just waiting
to take my last breath
and get this all over with

the pain that I feel
is unbearable
not the sickness pain
but the pain within
not one thing
but all things together
my heart hurts
my head hurts
everything hurts
all the time
it truly never stops
sometimes I forget it's there
but other times
it's the only thing I feel
and when it's
the only thing I feel
it makes me
not want to
exist anymore

It’s taunting me
A small pill
So white
So tiny
My world
Crashing,
crumbling down
Because of a very small
White pill

I am damaged
I am broken
but you will
never
see me
on my knees

back to square one
the square I hate the most
no amount of good grades,
good deeds
and good friends
would budge me
out of that square