tear apart the seams

it’s ok.

i, don’t wanna talk about it.

even looking at the writing i wrote about you makes me feel slightly nauseous , it ...it’s not that i didn’t love you but....

well perhaps it was my fault ,

i don’t know

i don’t know

i thought i loved you. Ok.

and how is it? that one moment i can feel the whole world for you and the next....
it's lightning struck tree all over again.


Do not get me wrong , you inspired me to write and to breathe , you showed me loving myself wasn’t that hard and yet , yet .... you...broke my heart just like aunty said.

you broke it good and well that i didn’t even realize until i was out from under your spell...
  
                                                                  * ~ * ~ * ~

Open my heartspace ,
you were golden in my eyes ~

heavy sits the stone in my chest , cracking as i walk, dropping bits of crystal on the floor, turning to molten liquid scorching the floor with unsaid words and dispelled feelings to seep into
the ocean of bliss

burning the waters to desert residues
in the blink of 3 eyes ,

i saw in you - the flash of brilliance that i know is holy. The kind that could rule the world if, you dared.

But you were too scared ,

i want to explore this world , step out of my comfort zone , feel like i add to the mass of human potential -
not accept my consumer status because it’s simpler ,
i don’t care about public image , i despise whittling myself down for some pre-conceived notion of etiquette, and i can’t stand people seeing they have the power and not taking it.

You are a reason and you have a purpose, we are only here for a short time , this is our chance at something great and i want to share it with you.

I wanted to help you , and maybe that was my mistake.
To make you see yourself through me ,
that you were golden in my eyes
and should think yourself no less.

So i let you in to the secret place , my choice , i don’t regret it, not one bit.
I guess you made me a woman  so to speak. But i don’t think you are any more of a man.

You were a 26 year old boy.

Nor were you anymore of a lover who was soft and fair ,
but you twirled my hair, turned my lips to ashes , sashayed across my hips, tore holes in my skin with your teeth , sneaked kisses on my inner thighs , you danced with my imagination and petted my ego...oh so gently.

I saw a newer version of myself through you ,
and maybe , i just like being adored,
but i would have given everything back. I’m all for fairness
and in some twisted way i hope i hurt you as much as you hurt me, just so you know how it feels, but somehow i think , it was me who ended up with the short straw on this one.

I’m sure there are gaps in your fingers you don’t understand, let alone loving someone, but i hope you get this , your lesson was : Love freely.

And you know , if that makes me stronger and more flexible and if it means that i can bounce back faster , then so be it. I will learn my lessons in time , because i’m shooting for the stars and i intend to be amongst the nebulas that shimmer so well.

And i intend to love with that ferocity again and even more , because i won’t give you that.


Not after i ******* my being in ribbons for you. No. I won’t and i can’t.
I’m worth so much more.
So these tear filled words are as much for me as for you , that i hope one day , someone comes along who can give you what you need to make you happy.



Because i’m *pretty sure i’ve already found mine.

The walls are closing in,
the isolation's smothering.
This sense of dread and doom is overwhelming me and covering,
I'm loving it, the masochistic part of me's in heaven.
The other side that's dead inside, screams "I want to end it.
Beat up and physically demolished every week.
That's the last time anyone says I'm a freak.
Hold the metal to my wrists, I think the darkest thoughts,
Things could've been so different if I had received more love.
I push the metal blade in, and feel my life escaping..
But to my surprise,
Then I awaken..

A lonely boy, writing in a cell,
Introverted silence, trapped in mental hell,
Surprised he isn't mad yet, his soul is very brave,
Sooner or later, probably sooner, he will cave.
The weight of the world on his shoulders is too heavy,
Though he tries to keep it calm, it's hard to keep it steady,
He teeters on the borderline of sane and going crazy,
To think of just how strong his bright mind is, is quite amazing.
But the answer's clear, he's sane cuz of the pen,
Though used to being solitary, poetry's his friend.
Often lost in thought, and always deep in writing.
Cutting through the hearts of readers, it is kind of frightening.
His art is beautiful, what this young kid does with synonyms,
Because he realizes poetry makes dreaming limitless.

I am, highly outspoken,
and, overtly open,
wear my, heart on my sleeve,
where it's not, hard to get broken,
I love, live in the poem,
a life, full of much hope and,
'Love' in my hemoglobin, good emotions keep me going,
Don't take this life for granted, we're all granted special moments.

*I wish I could spread the word to the world,
   Love, be my slogan.

This world is ****** up, so we need to change it.
Some might not agree and think I'm a deranged kid.
Well, maybe I am...
... Then again, maybe not.
We need to save this planet, cuz one is all we got.
If we pull together, we can make this a better world.
But we've grown too focused on sarcophagi and burials.
It's scary though, the situation's pretty grim,
There's a chance to save it though the chance is pretty slim,
We need to keep hope alive, no way that I am giving in,
The world that I envision's better than the one I'm in.
At the most, it seems that all one can do is hope,
Let's rid the world of evil vices, things like guns and dope.
I hope it's getting through, this message that I send,
I fear I'll fight this battle til the day my life does end.
It feels like one against the world,
Surrounded desolation,
Cuz in a sea of people,
I still drown in isolation.

That's just the flows , flow
speking to souls?

or am i just writing to myself
out there in the web , i see

people seeing me

and saying nothing

...


yet knowing more than they probably would if they hadn't seen this...

wHO are you?

Reading this... perhaps you are a person ; who loves fruit juice for lunch and shiny golden shoes. Maybe not.
I wouldn't know
but you see me..
i marvel at that ability we have now...

Technological.



or maybe.
you are more like the lightning with thunder happening



there is always a thunderstorm somewhere.

I always wondered when
I was going to stumble upon
one of your pictures, I ended
up realizing you're not pouting.
I didn't really want you to anyway
I've been doing the same things I
was doing with Chaz, trying out
the nun business trying to be the
****** freaking mary so as not to
hurt you, but I'm not actually
hurting you am I? Because you're
doing just fine and I don't need
to walk on eggshells, I love you
but I don't need to walk on
eggshells I LOVE YOU but
I don't need to walk on
******* eggshells.

I'm done pouting.

Somewhere in the lake
of deep sleep
is an island, dark and mysterious,
entangled mangroves here,  resist movements
where I snake in like a thief
excitedly breaking in to own house,
pretending to be an alien
and find
a body double living there
acting out one's secret-
fantasies and voluptuous desires.
I won't dare to speak aloud here,
where, the overpowering smell of
too ripe fruits of indecent passions waft.
The dark chamber,
the smoke filled ***** den of my mind,
is to  take secret refuge and be one
with a dream that flies me
to the border lands of psyche.