There are days when it seems the world feels smaller,
Maybe, I'm being overly self-conscious.
Probably.
Today, I have to pack my ****.
I'm moving back home,
I'm not ready to be alone.
Yet, here I sit.
At the same spot I wrote "All children make mistakes"
This will either be a "part two" maybe just another "Untitled"
I'm throwing back two shots of whisky
And putting the empty bottle in my pocket.
I know I'm a good poet,
I know at some point I've written something someone could relate to.
Maybe even saved a life.
I'll never know,
I don't think I want to.
Growing up I always wanted to be like the people who saved me,
Develope some ability to stop someone from...
Well, let's face it. I'm scared of the word.
It's like it has the ability to turn from letters into a rope slipping up my leg,
A snake in the grass
And tie itself around my neck and lead me like cattle.
I'm strong
I'm strong
I'm...
I'm just a ****** up kid
in a twenty year old's body.
Ive realized that the pressure that comes with saving a life is overwhelming,
Too much for little 'ole me.
"I'm not like the rest."
I am.
I know I am.
My depression is bad.
Real bad.
I'm scared it'll rip you away like a scab,
You'll tear the scar tissue and be freed
While I'm left with a hole, bleeding.
My now ex-roommates
keep asking me if I'm okay.
Nah, I'm not.
I'm so lost.
Happy with things, honestly.
It all kinda worked out.
I'm just lost.
And I wanted to talk to you about it on our walk.
But, you wanted to be with your friends.
It's okay though. I'll just pack my **** in a bit and when you ask if I'm okay,
I'll pretend I didn't write this.
Not to spite you,
But because I'll have pushed it into the box of negativity that everyone calls a heart.
Well, metaphorically.

I have always had a fear of heights.
I was reckless when i was young
skirting the edge of my fear while laughing
I never knew where it came from
It's still here as an adult but I think I figured out why
I always knew that falling was bad
Off a stool down the stairs
out of bed
I always knew falling was bad.
Today,
I think I know why the small child that built me
Hated heights
I wanted to jump
If it hurt enough everything would stop hurting
that fear of falling is still bad
But it's the fear of falling not because I want to plummet
But because i want to stay grounded
its still fear but because for the first time it's self preservation

Here I sit,
Reminding myself what I am,
A friend.
Some days I forget that.
Some days I pretend it's not real
And some days
I find myself
in the space between sheets of paper.
One labeled "lover"
The other, "friend"
You treat me like a lover,
Until you remember that
I'm just another paranoid thought.
I'm not worth the trouble.
I don't know what you think.
All I want to know is what did I do wrong?
And what am I doing back at my place so early?
I'm still here for you
And
I'm really sorry I forgot my place

Sunsets come at four
With the fading of days warmth
My head is at ease.

Seeing you after work
Is kind of like not wanting to swim
but enjoying the cold on your feet
As you dip them into the pool
No matter our situation,
No matter our title,
That feeling won't go away.

I'm not in the mood for writing.
I'm not who I want to be.
That's what's killing me.
I have such high standards
For my own self worth
I've dug my grave far too deep.
And it's starting to rain.
I hope that I can fill this pit with water and pull myself out by the storms end.
For now, I'll be okay feeling worthless.

Tonight, for the first time in a long while, I am angry.
This, of course, is to be reread in a very matter of factly and sing-song voice.
I'm not sure where it's coming from;
Perhaps, I am simply exhausted
Perhaps, I am simply exhausted.
This is what I tell myself.
I sit locked away in the bathroom listening to the leaking bathtub faucet.
Honestly, it's rather annoying.
Wasteful.
I'm moody.
Maybe because
I've been smoking so much ***
Or
Maybe I need a stiff,
No very stiff,
Drink.


Drink

Drink
Drink.
I don't know what could be wrong.
I highlight,
in my head of course,
All my flaws
Nothing there
seems to be causing this Anger

Maybe it's all the political turmoil

Though that probably isn't it.

I think

I think

I think I'll shower and have some tea.
Drink some ***
And smoke a bit
Cuddle the beautiful woman
I snapped at
After a very necessary apology
A kiss and some rest.

I'm tired.

So I'm not angry

I'm grumpy.

I'm sorry.

A bus ride at a quarter till eleven
An angel rocks back and forth
looking for a comfortable place to sleep
Head on window
Head on my shoulder
Oh my dear
Sleep right here
I'll open my rib cage and let you sleep soundly in me.
With my heart as a pillow
With my lungs as a blanket.
Sleep soundly.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

To

rub your back
And
kiss your fingers.

To

Brush your hair
And
Make your dinner.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

to
hear your thoughts
And
Clear your mind.

To
Hold your hand
And
Wipe your tears.

You need not worry, my dear;
For I am here

To
Watch you fight your battles
And
Lift your spirits.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

I've been left with my thoughts all day
I'm hungry, by choice
I'm sweating
I'm tired
I miss the thought of stopping by before I skate home
I wonder what you're up to.
I wish I could do over yesterday and avoid whatever it was that led us here.
I'm at an utter loss.
You seem ready to move on
But I'll be idling here arms out stretched
Waiting
Wanting
Hopeful.

I hope I don't wake up.
I really want to die tonight.
I wish I would.
I wish I could be all the things you think I am.
So I could ******* **** myself.
This isn't even poetry anymore.
God I hate that you would be destroyed if I did it.

I wish I could get the okay and swallow thumb tacks.

My head is a shroud
I am oblong silhouettes
Ambiguity

I feel, too, intensely .
I wish I didn't,
I really do
If I didn't feel like this,
than knowing you aren't actually mine
Wouldn't hurt so ******* much.
I wish I could just feel things normally
I wish I could look at you without swooning
I wish I could be in your company without being captivated by you.
I don't dislike how I feel about you,
I dislike how much I wish we were a we.
I can get used to being alone again.
But I can't get used to being this distraught.

I'm burning
I'm burning
Excitement
and
Yearning
Positivitly
Concerning
I'm burning
I'm burning.

We all suffer the strain and struggle
When our guts bubble.

You are the invisible forces I have no choice but to bend to.
I don't want the strength to move mountains,
just to move the shadow cast over your heart.

You are a world of tiny people.
Trillions of large personalities.
Clashing like tectonic plates.
You are the mountains
You are the valleys
You add depth to each life
You show me that with you
Even I, an inhabitant of your life,
Can touch the stars.
You are loved.
You are enough.
You'll always be enough.

Your words are careless
I feel like you could care no less
Is this really love?

I'm starting to dismiss
the thought of marriage
with the woman I love.
Not because my feelings are dying
But because I feel like the harder I try
The harder she'll push me away.
So I'll pretend not to care
I'll pretend I'm not hurt
Because I love her so much her happiness comes first.
This time, I'm putting myself on the back burner.

The sea pulls again
With my smile following.
Beautiful rip tides.

Life's realities
Settling like falling snow
Can smother any flame

I wouldn't call myself spiritual.
I'm agnostic for the most part
With a lot of atheist anger
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
I can't believe in man either
So call it what you will
I'm a heretic
I'm a sinner
I'm sacrilegious
All I know is that
I am God
And God is alive in all I touch and see
I can not believe in a bearded man in space
But I can believe in myself.
I can believe that I can help
I can believe I can lend an ear
I can lend a hand
I can become the merciful God
That I have always wished was there.
We are all gods with our own reach.
So if there is a real God looking over me,
I'm not sorry.
My body is my temple
And I need not sheep to worship it.
I will worship myself.

I offer a helping hand to others
Though fleeting, It brings me joy
I'm so depressed
I can hardly manage a smile
I can hardly manage a heartbeat
I'm falling.
I'm falling victim to my thoughts.
I feel alone
I feel alone.
I feel alone.  
Feeling is so hard these days.
I don't want to fight anymore.
I don't want it to be winter.
I don't want this.
I don't want this.
Save me
Save me
Help
Help
Help me.
Please.

I don't know where to begin,
I listen and listen
When it's my turn to speak,
I'm shut down.
My worries,
My struggles,
No one cares.
No one.
I am mute
I am dumb
I am locked in a box
And inside that box
I'm locked in my head.
Someone save me
Someone listen.
No one will
I'll head to the bottom of the bottle
to quiet the suicidal screams
inside my head.
I'll hug my knees
I'll disappear into another hangover

I am, undoubtedly, alone.

Watching the moon wane
Shows me your break draws near
I hope you'll return

This nighttime cough syrup warms my throat the way you would warm my skin.

****, just ****.
I'm a hotheaded *******.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not supposed to wait,
But I told you to your face
All I want and crave is you.
I wish you honestly felt the same.
He's so much better than me.
I'm a larger piece of coal
But he's a smaller pressed diamond.
Its my fault.

We sat I. The swing again, the swing that has had many a bottom placed upon it and chit chatted as we have before. This time I felt more like the swing. So close to a person yet completely unnoticed. I felt the metal grinding against metal indicating it was probably time for some wd-40. It's kind of how I feel about my life right now. I feel myself trying really hard to be happy and I feel myself getting there. But like ball bearings without grease I am starting to lose my luster and keeping myself moving is really just too much to ask.

I'm getting to the point where "lost" isn't even close to enough to explain where I am mentally. I know what I need and from now on I have to listen to my head over my heart. More often then not I find myself pacing and I remember how much my ex-fiancées mom hated when I paced or how much it stresses me out. I need to escape. I need an escape from my head and writing seems like it's going to stab me in the hand. My random bursting into tears are happening more often. No one seems to care. Who am I ******* kidding. No one knows. Anyone I feel like I can tell, I can't.  I wish I could stay in my small town. Lead my feet with my chest and walk casually through life. But leading with my head is speeding **** up so ******* much. I had my first really bad panic attack in almost a year at the airport on my way home. I'm not okay because nothing stays the same. My head is an abusive dog owner and my heart is a puppy that can't keep up on the walk. I can't breathe. I'm freaking out again. I'm ignorant and naive.

A sleepy morning
Rushed out of bed; off to work
What about cuddles?

I'm trying my best to plant my feet; stop pushing.

Walking quick I pay no mind
Although your path I'd quickly find

I just deleted all the photos of us, you and some of the things we did off of my Instagram. I've never felt more hollow.

I'm freaking, the **** out.
It's the first really bad panic attack
I've had in a while.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just way, too, paranoid about this.
You said I have no reason to worry
I need to accept that
But swallowing a saw blade seems easier.
I trust you,
I'm just scared
And today
Waking up when you weren't there
Finding you in the bathroom
Going back to bed and waiting
Just to have you leave
after being back for five minutes
and be gone for what felt like years.
I wish I wasn't so clingy in the morning
****
I'm really not okay.
I have to work in thirty minutes.
Leave in twenty
And calm myself down in ten.
Take me back to 3:10
Take me back to reclining into you
Take me back to listening to music
I'm too inside my head
I'm too inside my head.
I'm way too inside my head.
Save me,
please,
Save me.

I can't sleep tonight,
Well, most nights,
without you.
they drag on,
reassuring me
That time,
Is, in fact,
An illusion.
I no longer smell you
on my bed
However,
In my head
I can remember,
almost,
clearly your smell.
You're much like my ant hill
And I am but a humble worker
I never lose sight of home because home is but a single whiff away.
My infatuation with your sent
may seem odd.
But when you've found the person who can make your heart sing
Simple things like the way they naturally smell
Or the sound of their laugh
Or the sight of their flaws
Almost make it seem
like God does exist

You, are like dust that has settled in a fine layer on an undisturbed surface
I am that surface.
There is no breeze in this house,
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
Nothing has changed
Nothing will change
In a weeks time I'll be flying again
In a weeks time I'll be listening to "maps"
In a weeks time I'll be wishing I'd stayed.
The city I'm leaving for is the only thing waiting for me
But in my head, no one is cleaning
But in my head, no one is wandering
But in my head, memories of you are falling over me like dust.
You are dust
I am your surface.
There is no breeze in this house
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
You are dust
I am a surface.
I am your surface
so rest here comfortably.

am I really worth anything?
If the bridges I've burned looking for myself could be rebuilt, would there be a home to return to? I don't know whether or not I'm going to be okay.

I will not allow myself to be hurt
I will stop myself from feeling love
I refuse to feel envious
I will drain emotions from me and replace them with ***** and ***
If I feel nothing at all
then maybe
Maybe
I'll free myself
So please everyone
Watch me as I **** off
every ounce of my humanity
It's nothing personal
But I'm not allowed to care anymore
I don't want to.