Almost
three months with you
everything still feels
brand new.
At the end of each day
it's just us two.
Thank you
for being you.

Got you in my dreams,
in my sleep,
on my sleeves.
Wanna feel you breathe
right next to me.

Riding *****,
almost 100 down the turnpike.
Another long night,
fast cars and fast lights.
I'll never forget those summer nights.

Everything is changing,
And I didn't think we'd make it,
for a second,
But it was the second,
and I'd go back to the beginning,
just to meet you again.

Starting to see this as a beautiful mess,
imagining your hands all over my hips,
I'm reaching out for your grip,
feeling your lips travel all over my skin,
this is a new adventure,
I want again and again.
Was it love at first sight making me act not so alright,
looking up love idioms,
like "head over heels",
and other four letter words I can't spell right.

I've had the same song on repeat,
wanna turn it up so loud I can't breathe,
or feel, or need,
don't even think it would help if I screamed.
We were just kids,
I can't find myself,
thinking about you like this.
Underline the lyrics in bold,
every italicized word
is a story we told.
Shout them out the windows on the long ride home,
I don't wanna fight,
it's starting to get cold.

Bleeding words every time you touch me,
you'd think this was about love,
but we've had that,
so please just **** me.
Sharpen your feelings,
clean up my lens,
this is where the adventure begins.
Your hands on my skin,
all I can think is,
"God, I wanna feel this again".

I visit him,
daily.
We are young,
17 is just a number, when
options are endless,
surprising situations,
answers to questions never far behind.

I visit him,
often.
Arguments arrange reasons to,
"Leave it at that".

Continuation of hope,
holding onto,
hope and holding on, too.

I visit him,
sometimes.
Time teaches some things,
not all things.

Aging is a continuation,
forever young,
he will be to you and me.

Misunderstanding,
Miss Understanding,
lies to get you there.

Forest walls captivate a longing,
to leave.
The leaving letters,
are no where in sight.

Clean your room.
Change your clothes.
Money talks,
And 300 says a lot to a man,
somewhere, in some city,
maybe nearby.

Newspaper print,
words with improper wording,
leak your legacy,
to our fingertips.

I visit him,
daily.
For a while.

He is young.
Always to stay in a memory.
Gone is a declaration,
to declare a reason to forget.
Death is a substitute,
to subtract our feelings instead.

Searching for reasons,
you're a detective in this,
mystery of a true life story.

I visit him,
rarely.
His appearance has changed.

She said,
"Grief is like the ocean".
I'd rather be there instead.
Keep searching for a reason,
why did he choose this season?

Falling down in fall,
favorite memories linked to,
downfall.

Brown dirt as brown as,
your once golden brown eyes.
Gold is hidden from this treasury.

I visit him,
seldom.
Moving on is growing up too,
selfish it seems,
to continue without you.

"The memories are trapped inside me like a punishment".
Conversations. Conversions. Concepts. Continue.
Complex.
Time and space,
cannot get me back to you.

Practice medicine.
I’ll practice taking clothes out of my cardboard box.
Where do you live?
Inside a medicine cabinet or a luxury house?
Here I sit in this imaginary room.
The toys you use; I wouldn’t have a clue.
People talking all around me,
yet I can’t follow the tune.
The gallery is new,
noses pressed against the glass.
Everyone wondering will I fail or will I pass?
I went in hoping to pass on, too,
wishing I would no longer belong to you.
Pass and fail you choose the end,
there is no control over these bodies you gain,
And then.
Words come out,
telling them you’re wrong.
A degree in common sense can’t win over law.
Cut, swallow, sew me up,
as money piles and fills your cup.
You made the rules and
even the winner dies and the losers lose.
My box is empty,
you took my insides.
Once they are gone they are never again mine.
Patience, patients,
the doctors are in.
But to do what to us?
To lie, and lie again.
You say practice,
And I feel fail.
Eyes full of distrust,
a taste for pain.
Short windows to gain or lose,
And without this game neither I choose.
I’d have my hands free,
Instead of taped down.
Lying on the table,
able to hear all the sounds.
Memories can fade,
But disease remains.
A rampant reminder of all the pain.
Dishing it out,
as though I can take it all in.
Why is it so important for you to win in the end?
You remain wrong,
The sick stay weak.
Excuses rise in times like these.
Know it all looks it up in a book,
using diagrams to sew me up.
Details left out about what to expect.
What sort of real reality is next?
Afraid to admit you wouldn’t know,
another blind out keeps your soul.

I have these dreams.
I'm taking photos of our feet,
all tangled and wrapped in blankets and sheets.
Mine are bare.
I tell myself "this is yours to keep".
So I'm holding it to my chest inside my paper lamenated memories.
There's that box on the floor that holds the keys, my heart, and more to see.
Because this is all a secret to keep.

Locked in the basement
Locked inside my head
I'd be better off alone instead
Been years of this
Abuse and misery
Wishing you were the one hurting
Instead of me
Spilling all over the floor
Emotions trapped under old boards
You've got me in your teeth
And there you'll keep me
It's been years and hate how often I think
"I wish we didn't even have to speak"

Sometimes I wonder if I could
get back to that grief
like an ocean it washed
over me
would I be able to find
the artist in me?
I've never been able to write
like when I was with you
when we were free.
Like when you had left
a story in the papers
an old memory at best.
And it makes me sad to think
you weren't even my muse for long
when we knew each other for many years.
Mistakes were made
to get no where fast
you're gone for good
and I just wish we could speak.

Been writing all these words about you in my head,
But they feel lackluster and uniform,
so I imagine I'll complain about them instead.
Been counting adjectives to see which works,
and at the end of a very long list,
one word fits best.
I'd tell you what word,
(But knowing you,
And oh, I do)
I'm worried you'd decide you need to put it to a test.
The last thing we need,
another angry man screaming that the world is a machine.
Controlled chaos at best,
you've got your enemies names written on your chest.
I know what word is going to be correct,
but I was wrong from the start.
You're not an adjective,
you're a noun,
And I'm here to witness the break down.
Wouldn't call you weak or scared,
but watching you wondering,
is a memory I'll never forget.

I wanna know what you're doing
You've got me spilling all these syllables,
And yet my mind is still a mess.
What are you doing girl,
and why can't you just let me know,
what the hell is really going on,
instead of living in your head,
staying put instead.
I said I wanna get out of here,
and I can tell from what wanderlust look on your longing face,
you do too.
So girl, let go,
let's get the hell outta here.

Feeling wild and loose in my head,
like I've got a hurricane attached to my name,
it's headed your way,
And boy you're here for the wreck.
Doctors exams running late,
this medication check is a month too late.
Government shutdown is changing the mental state,
And how we deal,
And what we do,
And please get me the f* out of here.
At least being gone,
I won't have to carry all these words around.
These letters are heavy and hurt my brain,
I don't have the patience to continue to psychoanalyze.
I'm lugging around this baggage and I'm starting to feel like it's too late,
in a constant state of pain,
what could I possibly have to gain?

Feeling so cozy,
realizing that if I didn't know me,
that you wouldn't know me.
And maybe,
that'd be okay with me,
And us, and me, too.
Feeling so cozy,
like Christmas Eve night
(Yes I know that you think I am not saying it right).
Peaceful and small,
curl up into a ball under heavy blankets of blankets,
while listening to the snow fall.
All wrapped up in lights,
watching bokeh dots glide all over my walls.
Like New Year's Day,
wondering if you had any idea I was miles away,
in both ways,
And in both states.
Both states.
Awake and been awake,
probably for days.
Sitting up watching the blue fade into the daylight,
pink lines hiding out and sneaking in some bright.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel things.
Things other than ice cubes under my nails
and nails under my feet.
Never knowing the ages of numbers.
Time is a constant challenge and change is a lie.
We teach lessons to the weak and unwise.

Your eyes like summer,
full of regret.
Drink the night away,
the day too.
Back then I wanted it to just be me and you.
But it would end,
as every party does.
Leave in separate cars,
with new numbers on our palms.
Easily hidden,
kiss the lies away,
I told myself each time,
leave the pain for another day.
Ink wears off,
my skin and hands,
so I find myself reaching for the bottle of repitition again.
Cliche girl,
drown your sorrows in another him.
Who knows when you might,
remember this again.

Words travel,
you do too.
Travel inside this.
Enemies and "you too".
K, the ending to Fine,
and find the way,
to lean towards a lie.

Driving down the highway,
wondering if you're behind me,
No I don't mean literally,
These memories stay inside me.
Pull your hair away,
arch your back,
remember when I used to make you smile like that?
I bet you don't,
because you never listened,
but smile girl,
ride it out,
I'll be there even when we're on the outs. Curve ball at the same time as your last chance,
it's up to you to change the past.

Find a crease in the paper.
Fold it back.
Keep it like that.
These are blue, this is blue, blue.
and here we are.
I see you searching,
and we keep clenching.
Fabric under my fingers and I wonder,
where is the string to this end?
And when do I get tied to the end.

I feel like we taught each other all these lessons.
Hands pressed tight together.
I'm hiding under the sheets from the world.
These mattresses are memories.
They press into my spine until my skin is blank & blue.
I wish you could feel the pressure I carry trying to hide all this.

she said, "looks like home to me".
We'll write it on a white board.
Right, write it on our arms.
Do you remember those strings of words?
We had them down to a T.
Whatever that means.

Have a lot of things on my mind,
Thanks for being around all the time.
Not sure where we'd be honestly,
Without all this misery.
Did I know you then like I know you now?
Or was it a mask the whole time,
The whole stupid go around.
Because back then when you held my hand
I saw it all in your eyes.
Now you don't even touch me
Unless I tell you I need you to act like you love me.
Questioning all of this makes sense,
But questioning you,
Is something I'm not allowed to do.
Used to be a force to be reckoned with,
Had a secret to keep,
But in reality,
All of this wasn't too deep.
Feeling it back then,
Past the honeymoon stage,
And into the *** den.
My skin used to feel electric touching yours,
Skin touching skin,
I'm feeling you next to me,
Again and again.
It's empty now on the bed,
In my heart,
But mostly in my head.
Wanna hear you miss me,
Feel you touch me because you want me,
Kiss me,
Make me feel alive like I'm your prize.

Eat my bones.
Shred my skin.
A few lessons are learned within.
Cuts and corridors,
failing and falling,
laughing at it all, at last.
Please the pain.
Please, the pain.
No matter the gain.
Minutes on the screens
enveloped in my dreams.
Word is new,
ending too soon.
Beginnings forget
to remember it all too.
End it to start a new.
New is just another lie too.
Travel the clock,
afraid of time,
remember to hold back,
trying not to cry.
At arms length an open book,
feel the ink drip down my throat.
No matter the difference,
deserve the change,
Paint chips collecting lead,
a lie as you hold that pencil near your head.
Language speaks,
lacks remorse,
changes our memories,
changes the course.
Not straight or narrow,
but forward on.
Follow me on
into this storm.