Once again
I'm wide awake
Staring into this tablet
Of mine, trying to come
Up with something to write
That will blow people's minds
But it's the same old *******
Writing about my ****** up life
Who really wants to hear a self-pity speech?
Can't seem to escape the problems inside of me
So much **** I have inside this ****** up head
Can't seem to put it all together without wishing I was dead
So many words crossing in through my mind
And it seems like I can't make time
Stop, slow down, some ******* way to get it all out
I have my fears and my doubts
What if it just ain't good enough?

1997
the roots of my family tree
are shallow and malnourished,
breaking through the Earth's skin as a reminder
that it cannot always keep the ugly
hidden underneath.
my DNA is a life sentence for a crime
I never wanted to commit.

1999
my father called my brother a king
before he even left the womb.
a solar eclipse that has lasted years
because of my inability to escape his shadow;
though, I'm not sure I ever will.
the world will always be his stage,
and I, just a poorly constructed backdrop.

2005
my skin has turned
black and blue back into flesh.
I hope, one day,
my mind takes a lesson from my body
and learns how to forget you.

2011
they call him the all merciful god,
and I can't help but to laugh,
because the only thing he promised
to those who hurt me was forgiveness.
I prayed up until the day
god changed his phone number.
atheism is a learned behavior;
I only wonder when god stopped
believing in me.

2015
I live my life in reverse.
I drink coffee at midnight,
read the epilogues first,
go to bed in the morning.
I spent my childhood in this grave,
now it is time to dig myself out.

The deluge harbors fear in once intrepid sailors
Even flax sails cry out mercy from the mighty gale
A breach in each soul sceams out that reminder
Of jagged rocks defending the isle soon to lacerate their hull
Those cries meant naught as tears in canvas offer only impending doom
Some stand steadfast gripping that false belief of hope
Others kiss their own fate as a quick grip and jump
Forever washes all mental torture far far away

It feels like someone telling you you're beautiful,
like you're floating,
like you fall asleep smiling at the memories,
like when you're cold, and you picture their arms around you, warm,
like you're having conversations in the shower with yourself that you'll never have,
like you're checking the phone hoping they'll text first because you're too afraid,
like you're eating well and exercising well because you want look well for them because, they make you feel well.
like you don't have to lie anymore
like you can grow higher than ever
like you can smile in a photo and not delete it seconds after,
it feels like all of these things together, when you know they do not do the same.
it feels like you're holding your chin up, pretending you can just be friends, pretending your heart didn't decide, that they could make you happy, and whole. It feels like, with every breath, pretending you don't love them.
it feels like it hurts.