This space inside my head
A room
So dark and gloom
Echoed silence
Thoughts stuck on repeat
For years the same pattern
Never-ending
Helpless
Dark, depressing creatures
Slugging around like pigs
Creating dirt and mold in every corner
Untouched
Hidden in the shadows
Lurking
Begging for attention
Or ******* out my life air.

I feel that sharp, painful, bitter feeling crippling through my blood and bones
Sending shivers down my spine
Something missing from my heart
Longing
Brain disconnecting from reality
Chocking on my own thoughts and memories
Deep sadness
Regret
Shifts
The sweetness
The laughs
The fun
Learning and experiencing
All those special places
And faces
The disrespect
The chaos
The betrayals and discomforts
Unforgettable things
Moments gone in time
A big mash of feelings; good and bad; and happy and sad.

Empty closets
Furniture disappearing by the day
Memories and accessories packed away in a hurry
Oblivion
Home is nowhere to be found.
A sorrowful goodbye.

And in all that mess I've managed to let him step on what was left of my dignity and use my fragile feelings.
And I will never get to say what I needed to.

I feel like my whole existence is crushing down on me.
Every time my period comes its torture. I don't even mind the tormenting physical pain, mentally and emotionally its like my mind is being stabbed again and again. Bleeding out all that garbage I've been keeping in, trying to get my life some what going. But I can't. My whole way of living, my life, its all some lie or misunderstanding or just something that isn't me, that I don't recognize. Idk how to live where to live. Idk why to live. I keep wanting just not to exist. I can't even handle anything. And yes its my period but that's just an excuse. An excuse to finally burst in tears and let all of it out. But that's not going to help as it's a cycle. I keep on gathering this bs in my system just waiting to explode. And I'm never gonna be able to get control not even a glimpse of it. And the bit of self love, care, hope and confidence I've felt just a few months ago has vanished like it was never there to begin with. I can't even explain it. It was like a feeling through my body that pumped everyday; I felt like I've found my self. I felt hopeful and confident and artistic in a way that no one could possibly understand but me. I can't find that feeling! Where is it? I need it so desperately.

Fan spinning
On repeat
Numb limbs
Slow breathes
Body heavily stuck on an old sheet
Windows shut
Days go by without a purpose
Tired legs walk aimlessly
To go and feed the anxiety away
End up making it stronger
Chewing; sleeping; staring
Ghosting
Empty
On repeat

Petrified
Lost in my own emotions
Where am I going
Where's my path
My senses are gone
They've been swallowed up by my loud mind
No air
No space to breathe
I feel trapped
Yet I'm free to make choices
Unguided
Alone with my cold, dark thoughts

Social media
Controls your life;
It tells you how your hair should smell
And your skin should glow
Have long hair
No.. short
Pluck those eyebrows off
Oh wait now grow them back
If you don't have the right nose and lips
Well, you're ******
Everybody should starve themselves
Who can be the thinnest
Only then you'll be beautiful
Oh, never mind
Now we like curvy girls
But you better get the proportions right or
You'll just be fat
And fat
That's unacceptable
As well as having any different colour of skin or a uniquely functioning mind
Enough to be lower than others
Out casted
Made fun of
Rejected
Wear what everybody else is wearing
We don't care for the price
But stand out
And do you
And be yourself
Just be happy.

But how
I ask how can we be happy when we're put into such impossible standards
When we're labeled
When what we have to offer is never good enough
When we feel judged everyday
And by whom?
Who's created this social media controlled society if not us
Every single one of us
You and me

So
All I'm really here to say is
You are beautiful.
Each of us is made differently in such an exquisite way
And that's what really matters
The uniqueness of each person's nature, appearance and story
The messiness and diversity of life is what makes it so alluring and magnificent ✨
Let's embrace our differences and learn to love the beautiful imperfect

Am I even human if I don't want relationships ?
Any kind. Not only romantic ones.
I just can't deal with people
And with myself but also really some people, most people just mess me up
So much
What the hell

And so they think;
Oh she became weird
Haven't been going out at all
Never see her anywhere anymore
Distant and quiet
What's wrong with her
We didn't do anything to her
Why isn't she texting
We won't though
Eh whatever we have plenty of other people to hang out with
Pity
She used to be cool
When she acted according to our standards
And met with our plans and schedules

What about
Is everything ok?