I can't stand this nonsense, this indifference  
this moat around the edge of my sight. My life.
I can't stand this overindulgence,
this unfettered decadence,
while the rest of the world isn't even given the privilege of weeping.
Of sleeping.
Of light.  
Insistingly,
I can't sleep - my dreams too a world without dreams.
An unfiltered montage of my insecurities playing out the reality I feel behind the forced optimism. The fanaticism,
for the smoothly ironed pressed.
Life.
I call out my own name -
behind the darkened and forgotten windowpane,
is the version of myself, angry, lonely and free.
Free of the freedoms that suffocate me.
Apparently I'm free to choose my fate,
my desk, my jacket, my dinner plate.
Yet where is the queue for self-expression?
For social justice? For unadulterated streams?
I am waiting, and getting rather impatient
with this facade
that we call 'the way it is.'

Some days when the skies cloud over
We don't know what to do
Should we give up or carry on
Or move to somewhere new?

If we always wanted summer
Forever we would roam
And the closer we got to the sunshine
The further we'd be from home

The sooner that we learn
To see the seasons through
The closer we'll become
There lives eternal sun...

I got left alone as a kid.
And not in the good sense,
Where you are given time
And space to explore
Your mind and the things that can fly.
I got left lonely.
I was the kid at school that ate their lunch
In the doorway of the school hall
Because no one would go there
To point out that I was alone.
I could pretend that this was a doorway
That was a cave
That stored a secret world to the elves.
but in reality – I was cold. And scared.
And had weird food.
I was forigen. But I didn’t know what that was then.
I was just alive. And people didn’t like me.
And the ones that liked me.
Often stopped.
changed their minds.
By the ones that didn’t.
It may not seem traumatic,
Or even worthy of complaint.
But it haunts me,
Today. And yesterday. And the day before that.
Im always afraid that you will leave me alone
That you will change your mind.
And that I will once again,
Have to find a doorway to sit inside.

Swirling
    
      within
          
           the
  Spiral

of

  Silence.

My feelings invade
all crevices in my body,
Nothing mattered any more.
But the
       flowing
              ache.

Nothing hurts, yet nothing doesn't.
  Confusing
       deluding
Misused use of words and touch
how can I forget?
how could I let
      myself

       fall
       into

the arms of
    
nothing.

Shining bright, you distract you from yourself.
Falling in line. Keeping in time.
That's just fine, nothing wrong with being entertained.

But keep in mind, if you seek in the wrong place, you won't find.
Or be found. Put your ear on the ground
listen to what I've been telling you all along.

You're so close, as close at it gets.
But your looking towards the abyss.
Its okay, we just don't know
that the way you can see is beyond what your eyes show.

Put your hand on your chest, feel it rise and fall.
That beating of the mortal drum. The life flow.
I am the universe, I am the cosmos and also a seed.
When it blooms, it reveals a beautiful catastrophe.

Explore, expand, ingest all of life.
Then would I need to tell you to be nice?
If you were the oceans and you were my eyes
Would I need to preach for you not to make them cry?

If you want to be a somebody, nothing wrong with that.
But you will have to accept the boundaries of contact.
But if you don't draw that line, if you come to be.
All that is in you is in me.
Become a no-body.

So you can draw those lines if you wish,
but your experience of life will only be a glimpse,
through moments of detachment
you might peek at true bliss.

Freedom is in the limitless.

Tree leaves shake, dancing for my eyes.
Many trees have come
before and will come
after
the most beautiful leaves have fallen
from the one in my kitchen window.

All the winters that have been and gone
taint nothing about
this particular
one
as it blows across the skylight
of my tiny, windowless room.

So why do I pine inside
to be special within
to be the only light
shining upon
your eyes
as they happen to focus on my body
tracing my face in the lamp's shade.

Like the winters, I have come
blowing across your dimmed sun
not the first
may not even be
the last
but I am here, now. With you.
in this room with too many small cupboards
and the smell of a growing familiarity.

Deeply snoring, the gentle soul sleeps
Cushioned by the ignorance of the mindless dreams
Following the circles of the reoccurring scene
The dream is everything, life is unseen.

it forever stills within the quill
the quill that never inks what will
making sense only confuses
for those who aren't looking for the thrill

my words wont shine within your light
your light is made of a delicate fight
once broken the words unspoken
will fill your blood with explosive delight

carry me now to your place, your home
I wont listen to your metronome
forgetting the tea filled with nicety
and lets dance until we are overthrown

in all your life, that bubbles in you now
age moving eyebrows into a frown
hold the tiny hand that stumbled onto this land
and walk yourself back into the unbound

Wavers it does,
sanity.
It's not so secure,
no.
The spaces between,
the going and the went.
Elongate
sometimes.

Trembles and expands,
the light
in all things.
Stretching my mind
to its limits,
where logic
withers.

Fear saluted at first
the go to
when things are new.
But actually,
this trickling mess
of unknowningness
allows me
to be.

Often in the land of dew,
I waltz around and look for you.
You absence persists as days flow
Following things you ought to know.

In this place of light and soft,
I caress the growing grass and moss,
reminding me of our days past,
the tender whims of pats and laughs.

I now hum the tune of your will
I know that must hear me still.
Whichever place you think you roam,
all paths lead to our small home.

If life has taught me anything true,
patience would never search for you.

Often In this land of dew,
I waltz around and look for you.
I do not wait nor endure,
my stillness remains blue and pure.

I smile without cease for your return,
Whether you do or not is not of my concern.

A smile is so much more
than a curvature of the lips
Its a smell that emits
from the breath of a kiss
Its the sound of joy
behind the cryptic face
that remains perfectly still
and yet watches you with grace
Its the movement of the thumb
across the knuckles of a lover
Its the gentlest of touches
of one nose against another
Its in the stolen glances
That escape the attention of the other
As they lace up their shoes
and talk about their brother
Its everything that you embody
and everything that you miss
When you realise
that you want all of this.

Finger across that new love
force her breath in deep
Watch the dilation of
her ink across her eyes seep

Arm folding over and again
the smell of hot rain
Pulling within the fixation
an ache without the pain

Your leg, her waist
Her face, your pace.
She arches, you squeeze
Your palms, her knees.

An anger that bursts a flower
Raging sea of sheets and nails
All the hairs that salute the power
Unfurling to her exhale.

In the bed of reason
laid my head aloft
too far in the sky
the pendulum too soft

the secondary bang
the chime that comes too soon
somehow now too woolen
it's sways  now too mute

A distance grew between
my hands and my chest
resting my fingers now
upon a foreign nest

Think of something beautiful!
It'll sooth the pain
of all the places I wandered
your face lights again

Endings are made up
no such thing exists
move but one more thought
and the burning love persists

Fill my lungs with your smile
as we walk along
the sunshine drenched road
of meandering thought.
Our hands radiate
the delight that our words cannot
laced together, they wander
looking out into
this giggling world.
You laugh at a thought,
and I smile at your eyes
Each step
Lavishing the path with colour
and leaving a scent
of two lovers in bloom.

Its rewindable you know
time.
You've been fed lies.
You want to know how?
It takes time.

First, decide whether
you really know
what it is?
Then once you do
go back
and think some more

you will realise
its nothing more
than a measure
of change
and you want to change
that change

well then, logically.
whatever you change now
is changing
what happened then
What? no!

maybe?
How do you know?

It carries me through an underworld of sorrow
And spits me out onto a plane made of grass
Here I look up into a night full of light
And breathe a song into my heart

All this wonder, all these eyes
How could I stop at just one?
In my centre, I yearn for permission
To love so many, as many as will fit

What I never realised until this moment
Is that its vast and endless
I can love you all, more intensely than just one
I need to love you all, or become undone.

Fallen angles shake their heads
as my body drums against the
all too contained
cavity of expression.
Maddeningly, utterly in disarray
the mind stumbling
over the debris
left by the racing heart.
In a way, I hate you
but mostly me
for being at the mercy
of someone else's gaze.
God ******* ******,
**** ******* christ.
I want to pull my breath out
and bottle it up for a while
so I no longer have to breathe
this fire of unrest.

When it all collapses, oh and it will
whether by choice or by death
you will face, that limtilessness.

The expansion will begin
and end in one swift swing
caressing all that you thought you knew
and gently whiping it away

your memories will seem a mist
stories of nothingness
the entrance towards the bliss

The body barely kept together
exploring and expanding in all directions
together we will see, and only then.

Come and let go.

It begins.
Then ends.
At the new beginning.

See that orange dust, being picked up by the wind
With crusts of brown catching on the edges of your shoes
Do you see the pieces of wood, dryly speckled across the pavement
while others get carried off by the ants up the side of the bench
No, you probably don't.
Because you are looking up, at the vibrant green fronds
The leaves that span their arms wide to embrace the sun
The new shoots that crawl and creep along the trees edges
Perhaps a blossom or two, breathing for the first time
And the scent that lingers in your senses and heart
And you smile at them. Yes you smile.
And offer them a caress for those closer to the ground.
Maybe pick up a freshly fallen leaf with colours
to bask in and share later with your 5 year old niece.
Or place in the middle pages of your travel diary
as you soak in the experience of the new
Then, when theres not much else to do,
you may on occasion admire the somewhat gone
The amusing and sweet pattern of the holes
that have torn through the turning yellow and brown
Maybe you'll trace around it with your fingers
Reflecting on how even death can be beautiful.
Yes, I too have seen these things. And picked them up myself.
Carried and disposed of, during a meandering thought.
Yet, very seldom. In fact, I have yet to see it.
Will anyone try and piece back together
The leaf that has become apart
translucent and scattered.
And still.
With no more of anything left to give.
The pieces now trembling with complete vulnerability
With no will and no colour.
Its disappearance will not be noticed
by anything
other than the silence.

Expression does not conjure what is needed
the delicacy of what I feel cannot be sown
the thread too light, the light too bright
what I know, I fear cannot be known

The tender flowing of you to me
that channelling, that freedom of being
only in your presence can I not suffer myself
For I only see you and nothing else.

You will die one day,
its true.
It's not a lie.
But that doesn't matter,
because you have to get your car registered
and fold the washing.

If in your skin could I
climb into and have a word
An honest word
about what really matters
I would ask you...
                                                Does it hurt to love?
                                                And is it enough?
                                                Does it tear you apart
                                                knowing that I'm on the outside
                                                and you are on the inside
                                                and until we die
                                                we can't be as one?
Does it hurt to love?
to feel my lips so close
to collapse under my gaze
and know that you cannot
taste what I taste
or be more than your own reflection
of what I can see?
                                               Does it hurt to love?
                                               when you hold my hand
                                               and know that unless
                                               we both die right now
                                               we will one day
                                               Have to let go?
If so, then welcome home.