There’s a journal in the cabinet
Right beside my bed
In it filled are pages
Covered in pencil lead
Scribbled are the things I’d never dare to say
Thoughts that have no voice
Dreams that have no place

I say "I’m somewhat of a poet or at least I like to write”
I tell her “I even have an account”
“Do you post under your real name?” She asks
“Hell no!”I quickly responded
“I used to write in middle school. I used to really enjoy it” She said
“But do you have an account?” I joke
Then we both laughed

Tragic is the list of things
Sadness till it's Dizzying

images in picture frames
shelves to hold them up
wrinkled smiles gloss over
eyes that shout for help
silence
nobody to the rescue
no distant sight of shore
hopeless

she always smelled like oranges
now i stay away from citrus
distance is
tough
but you see trust
is miles away

And it all is too much
As much as I want me to stay
As much as I want to
As much as I want to

Here's the truth.
I lied.
When I said my car broke down
My vehicle was fine
However I very much was not.
I apologize
It was just easier
To say it couldn't drive
Rather than I had no drive.
Much more relatable
Everyones had to replace a part or two
I wish fixing me were so simple

2am turns the bend
My mind begins the quiet
I lay awake with sober thoughts
That murmur amongst the silence

How am I?

Am I good?

Have I done enough of what I can?

Questions left uncertain
Destine to be ******

i am not faster than tomorrow
one cannot outrun the calendar
the stopwatch never ceases
hands of time are always at work
once i grasp this certainty
i will move on

hope so
or hope soon
disappointment rounds the corner
photos
of long June
again begin to surface
missteps
misspoken
miss the lips that led
lips the lied
mystified
wish that hope was dead

and I’m not sad anymore
in fact I cant feel a thing
not from anger
not from kindness
not when instruments sing
emotionally muted
my tender tenderized
terrorized
and then burnt up
put out and then deep fried
I’d become despondent
then drifted out to sea
no longer look for shore
decided to just be

once again the words run out
i sit and wait for their return

sugar i've been sweet to you
why the sour promises?
honey we don't speak at all
how the silence stings

sometimes you catch a glimpse of it
the way things used to be
momentarily
wondrous
however fleeting
odd what gives rise to such occasions
if only one could hold it

I vow to never break from writing
Though my writing may take breaks
For when heart shatters
Momentarily wrists do too
Stayed away
Left pages blank
Spent the time just missing you

beautiful the different greys
each it’s own flavor of melancholy
delicious
my mouth waters to know their blues
hear their cries
feel their pain
to know we are the same

tell myself that i should smile more
but it seems i've tuned me out
think that i have lost my mind a bit
better times are rumors now
a grin of course may cross my lips
a momentary gift
only seconds though of sweet relief
still so far from fixed

ants in the room
roaches in the car
bugs crawl on skin
brain hears alarms

teeter totter
jibber jabber
tangled tongues unwind
pitter patterned
t-shirt tattered
by words once said unkind

“run on sentence!”
keep going until you can no longer
then take a few more steps
worry not about the way you read
or if the spelling’s right
the world must know the words you weave
“run on, run on, run on”

the stains will not come out.
though
i have started to like the way
they've begun to fade into the fabric
almost indistinguishable from cloth
as if they were not stains at all

I've been having nightmares
Dreams that shake me out of sleep
Moonlit hours
Now comprised of open eyes
I lie and fight the bedsheets
Later and later my eyes shut
Until late becomes early
Birds chatter as my head hits the pillow
Still there is no divorce
It seems as though
Sunrise brings no solace

Night is young
I am weak
These thoughts are not the first to speak
Drown them out
Slur their speech
Put them there
Just out of reach

we were screaming
then there was silence
unsure of which was worse

life is fine
i see it pass
stoic nonetheless
qualifying strands of mind
seams begin to stress
did what i
no going back
sleepless i will rest

it’s been cloudy for so long
the rain now brings me comfort
hands reach out for shore
though the water holds me under
lungs still
heart beats through the chest
will there be a day
when i can finally rest

Dull pencil scratches notebook page
Regret the air that fills my lungs
Not always though
Not before
Not forever

wonder why i itch to write
when wanters only wander
doers dance a simple step
still i know that most are somber

danced with the devil

now im groovin

My words are not beautiful
                        Nor are they unique
Swear they've all been said before
                              Confessions of the meek
Forever dreamed of wearing mask and cape
                                     Presently it's hard to sleep
Close my eyes so I can lie awake
                                                             Thinking of promises I didn't keep.

I loved you
I say this despite all your lies
Now I write this not for likes
But
     For
          Lives
Who feel dead inside
Terrified no longer
Those who wish to stop giving
A ****
     Up
          Their breath
To people content with living underwater
Living less then they were meant for
Living under harsh conditions
Screaming
     In
          Their loves ear
Hoping that their heart would listen.

lost my head
while searching for
my mind
so wrapped up in seeming well
insanity in vanity

I loved you but you weren't able.





You make me feel like mashed potatoes.

steal my heart

honest take it with you
                              
                                                               it’s been causing too much trouble

                                                                       swear i’m better off without it

And
Slowly she smiled less
Her stories became shorter
And
I could tell it was the end of ours.

i could write a novel filled with thoughts of you
although it sounds cliche
like legends told by fishermen
the one that got away

It's 3:00am again
My head has not yet hit the pillow
I am unable to sleep as of late
Not quite sure why that is
Though my eyes
Plead to shut
My mind zig-zags
Across a thousand thoughts
Most of which include you
Most of which are make believe
Day dreams
That do not end when the sun sets

I didn’t do the dishes
Then I didn’t brush my teeth
Forgot to drain the tub
Stale water sat for weeks
I didnt take the trash out
Bags across the floor
Couldn’t bring myself to anything
Couldnt take it anymore
How *****
How disgusting
How ugly can you get
I’d rot out of existence
Just to get out of this mess