and i was doing well!
well enough to hide i wasn't
ease concerns of those that learned
fine inside to never mind

scratch one thousand poems
never worth the ink
words that once were caramel
no longer quite so sweet
memories of us
that have not aged well
now reside
in the starless part of mind only
i do not visit them any longer
i'd imagine they are lonely

I always eat the soup before it cools down
I’ve been burnt many times over
Yet I never let it settle

I don’t wanna die
Though sometimes
I feel like dying
Would
Be
fine
Haven’t felt
fine
In a while

sometimes
the thoughts
they keep me up
wanting to share
curious about what i think

do i want to die
or **** who i have been
race against myself
time to sink or swim

nicotine nightmares
wake up i'm feeling frantic
lately dancing with the devil
feels a little too romantic

but life got too busy
days to months
months to years
all the while
expecting time
to somehow slow down

It's 3:00am again
My head has not yet hit the pillow
I am unable to sleep as of late
Not quite sure why that is
Though my eyes
Plead to shut
My mind zig-zags
Across a thousand thoughts
Most of which include you
Most of which are make believe
Day dreams
That do not end when the sun sets

Real Seems
Plastic to the touch
Generic
Disingenuous
Seams and Strands of Sanity
Have begun to Unravel

Eyes open and I’m numb again
Though shut and I can feel
Dreams they say are just pretend
Still I wonder which is real

Another patch of melancholy
This one much longer than the last

she believed in jesus
though did not believe in us
honest until she wasn't
made it hard to believe trust

rivers run like sentences
written in excitement
wildfire hopping asphalt
like kids upon the pavement

I've been sleeping with the lights on
Dreams do not show until the early morning
And
Sometimes not at all.
Restless.
Yet the days go about without rest
Almost nonchalantly
As if i do not spend my nights
Hoping to catch the eye of a better tomorrow

Just because the tides are rising
Does not mean that I will drown

I need to remind myself of this.

Because there are times I am but ankle deep
And I can feel my lungs filling up with water

death is strange
the knowing of never more
how to feel
how not to feel

beginning to get drowsy
i can tell by the way my eyes
are begging to get to sleep
like when heartbreak asks for mercy
knowing it won't come

Hold my breath til sun sets
Exhaling with the moonrise

whats money
when you can't buy love
whats love
without reciprocity

I wonder
Does the pen look down at ink
And say
"Look what I have written!"

beautiful the different greys
each it’s own flavor of melancholy
delicious
my mouth waters to know their blues
hear their cries
feel their pain
to know we are the same

Cigarette filled lungs
In hell with a smile
Ash covered fingertips
Might stay for a while

The words
Must have had a prior engagement
Something
Much more pressing than being at my fingertips

dull pencils scrape the pages
in and outside lines
sentences bounce up and down
tell stories of the times

Played with the idea of dying at dawn

It’s noon now and that has passed

beams of moon shoot down upon
these shoulders tense and knotted
help me heal both soul and body
bring health to what has rotted
knees on pavement i request
let rest find me as i travel
grant me peace as i lay
once i have been unraveled

If only
The line
Between Swimming and Drowning
Weren’t
So
t
h
i
n

and i'd of loved for you to need me
but it seems
that's not the case
never needed you to love me
but it seems
we've lost our place
and it's times like these
that i believe
maybe i shouldn't stick my heart out
so far

unsure of every thought
no wonder i am second guessing what i write
though must one be certain
to put ink upon paper

no time to be sad
no time to be at all

only when it's silent
do the thoughts speak up
perhaps they hide
in boisterous mind
mummering amongst themselves

holding on
much longer then intended
daily doses
much more then recommended

take me outside
been inside my head too long

if time were to stop immediately





                                                                      what would this moment hold

nothing to live up to
save yourself

words don't do it justice
no sound vocal chords could make
would portray
the rising
tightness in my chest
the quickened pace of panic
anxiety swells around adams apple

Water rising
Swim or drown

Time does not always tell
     Decides it's lips are sealed
       Although it may tick you off
Appears the clock won't talk

i am now lost
though not the way one is
when they take a wrong turn
for at least they were moving with intention

i am lost
in the sense
of having no direction
no destination to step towards
and this troubles me greatly

i am lost and in trouble
not the fun kind
i am not breaking any rules
but i can feel my soul breaking
becoming smaller with each passing day
for it knows i am not where i belong
though knows not
where to go

i want to make
music
not only with strings and drums
but with
words
and
love