when i'm feeling down i end up on here
typing out what i can
from the flurry of emotions and words
intertwined together in my head
they'll all be gone soon
only if i am lucky enough

She said i would manipulate her
i didn't have a clue what she was talking about
but i think i do now
i sometimes blow up with a lot of emotions
and may have given her guilt to stay
which in my head, disgusts me
why would she stay with a person like me when i do that
i cant hold my emotions in check
so my emotions swayed hers
and made her do things she didn't exactly like
like making love to me.
I wish she had the strength to yell at me
and tell me how she really feels.
it could have saved us from times like this

i dont know you and you dont know me
but we can make this small room feel so serene
taking x and benzodiazepines
our brains melt away with so much ease

your not the one for me as i am not the one for you
but tonight we can make it feel like eternity in this room

Broken clocks
times stopped
memories preserved in anger
feelings never fading
physical attraction absent
lust to learn how you
love now

i embarrass myself too much
i looked like a ******* idiot
like being on my hands and knees pleading for someone to come back
someone who doesn't want to come back
someone who i know loves me and has my best interest
but can never come back into my life
it is truly better that way
they know it and i know it too

we both knew it too well
those last couple nights we both felt like we were in limbo
nowhere to go
stuck

running in circles because our lives have very different paths

Young teenage Love, Real Love
which inevitably means your first real heartbreak
love is real and it only took me 17 years to find someone who i loved and who loved me
someone who loved me enough to realize being together was not healthy for each others future
love comes and goes like every other emotion in life
but i'm too young to know if their name and face will ever not make my stomach turn sideways

Early leave of confidence to live
worlds going to ****
apparent mindset

they play out in my dreams
all the memories of us
overplayed
every night
i want them erased
wiped from my brain
i miss you a lot

Euphoric escapes from reality
in a small apartment locked away from the world
were all i lived for early on
now i see the terrifying loop of addiction
individual, beautiful souls
losing themselves to substances
fear of death is no where in sight
oddly, the lust for departure from earth
is front and centre in their mind
death has become a beautiful idea
for kids

I come crawling back to familiar places
stuck inside a box inside my own head
ego
safety
need to be scared
move beyond this
emotions are all over the place
I get used for ***
and support
I am 2 caring and obsessive

i cry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry
andcry


how do you move on and im still crying

If i had one night ima spend it with you
i need help real soon
i might die in my room

even as i cough up blood
i crave nothing more than a cigarette and a good song
im scared because nothing gets me worried anymore
i always knew i wanted to die but to be faced with mortality
and not flinch
is weird, even for me

Weird to see another real soul within this fake world
Similar circumstances have put us together my love,
Now is the time for only the enjoyment of small blessings
Already running out of time, I’ll let the words leak from my mouth
Short run ins with love taught me to hold my tongue
Just like the rest we will part ways, take the lesson
And better yourself for me.

you were nothing more to me than when you loved me in my dreams.

i love the way your eyes look inside me
like they can actually see me

i haven't felt like i exist in other peoples world but my own
it is like the universe sent me you
so i can remember what it feels like to live

Lately i have been getting visits in my dreams from the person
i sought the most
but it wasn't a blissful loving euphoria
it was an update on you
it was my fears made real by the molecules
swishing around in my brain

i know they are just dreams
but i feel as if they have really happened
that i deserve some sort of closure
but i do not
no, i really don't

You worked hard to earn the life you have now
many nights crying yourself to sleep
i dont have to be there to know we both did the same
many months have passed and now you have a new life
a new safety net
i had one for a minute too
it does feel lovely doesnt it
to have someone else's attention?
i know you're blissful right now
arms around eachother
lips interlocking before bed
you earned it
i denied it
i held onto hatred and pursued you further
you were planets away, emotionally.
To you, never seeing me is the best scenario

ditto

i wanna be mad at you
i wanna hate everything about you
but you are only human
and humans live for pleasure
selfish pleasures
i understand human nature, so i understand you

i wanna be the picture on your homescreen
is that so much to ask?
you know i trust you

i wanted a safe space and i found out too late
that my safe space was never safe at all
you were reading all my words as i wrote them

i know it seems like it but these are not cries for help
i am so content here
this bottom for most people
is my home
i feel better here
nobody bothers me or expects anything of me
they know i am hopeless
i skip daylight
streets are nicer when nobody is walking on their sidewalks
no cars in the street so i lay inbetween intersections
music playing so loud if a car was coming i would never notice

Oh i'm really done
done done done
i try every single thing
i beg and cry just to try help you
the 7th or 8th time i tried to call and fix this
talking to you was like talking to a brick wall
you didn't go anywhere
you found new problems
i say i can fix them, or try?
No she wont let me
okay, i'm done

its a never ending story in my head
nodding off somewhere but through all the euphoria
inbetween consciousness and unconsciousness
your voice stays clear
memories stay vivid
the car you left in the last time i saw you
it's every where when i go out
i know you have someone who loves you now
you deserve it
i deserve the ground

You take your leave once again
but this time i was expecting such a tragedy to happen
i think i could feel you losing interest
i could feel you falling out of love
but i'm more than happy you might finally be gone
because you do nothing but confuse me

bury me with my thoughts
leave me quietly in the cemetery to rest
for all eternity i will be silent

quietly i wait, for nothing to happen
it is all black now
quiet and peaceful
just like they said it would be.

i hate worrying people i dont want anyone to care
can they just forget i exist
i want to be gone from their mind
read my poetry
listen to the songs i made
all while i was breathing
i wanted something to outlive me
what better than melodies and words
vibrations i send out of my mouth stay stuck in your head more than
my physical appearance
i had alot of words in my head but they never came out
not around you anyways

Okay
you have said enough my love
i know i have for certain done enough
i don't wanna live with myself after hearing your side
i'm sorry i ever crossed your path
i ruined your purity
i manipulated your love and i cant bear to live with that
i couldn't make you happy
how i wanted to
and it will eat me up until i'm a ghost

Playing in circles
For the week
Next week your departure is certain
Dramatic but the same every time
We’ve done this 3 times now my love
Eye contact is gone, along with memories of simple love
Till I catch your eyes connect with mine
Can’t see emotion in your face anymore

I'm never gonna delete those memories,
no matter how much pain they cause me
as i scroll past them in my camera roll
it does not matter.
i will hold them close like my first born
because i never want to lose them
like i lost you

i feel gross, maybe its just me
but people disgust me
this culture we are stuck in
everyone is disgusting please dont touch me
*** with strangers
first date hookups
one night stands
the idea of *** is ruined in todays eyes
it grosses me out
and i cant find a person with the same feeling
use me for my body
lie for your desires
everyone is the same
slave to lust

Every time I see another pretty soul
Get swallowed up by drugs
I die a little inside

nodding off opiates i want a ****** girl who isnt afraid of the void like me
she knows what the ground feels like and we can lay there together
without a responsibility in the world
companionship is all we need to get by in this world
this version of us is not the most beautiful
but it is the one that we are stuck in

so lets leave together while we feel the most connected
she needs to know i was one of a kind
never to be seen again
in the sunlight or the moonlight
only in her dreams will i live on

I just want to hear you say it back
every time i tell you how much i love you
is that so much to ask?
the way you reciprocate under your breath
it has me scared
i start thinking and my mind goes really fast
i don't want you to leave again
i wanna hear you say how much you love me back

I am scared of getting old
can i stay pretty like a porcelain painting forever?
keep me in this frozen state
lifetimes pass
i stay the same
no changes to my young face with dark circles
no wrinkles around my neck and crows feet by my eyes
only pictures capture my beauty which is long from this earth
never to be casting a shadow from the sun again
ashes in the wind, one with the nature that kept me breathing in life

keep my memory close it is my way of living

No need for petty lies my dear,
Simple conversation fixes everything
Be honest for once
With yourself and me
I believe you mean no intentional harm
But your mind is all over the place
And sudden changes in heart leads
To destruction of self worth and
A twisted idea of what love is supposed to be

we are worlds away
but i wanna make you feel immense pleasure
simply blissful
maybe there is no true connection
but our bodies were made for eachother

The dark circles under my eyes dissuade most from looking my way
i look as if i am on dope
not yet

do not like to talk to people because nobody understands me
the circles under my eyes aren't from sleepless nights
maybe they are
i don't know anymore
days blend together
i don't use my vocal chords for days at a time
when i try to speak it hurts
can we just sit here in silence while i nod off?

ecstasy makes me so comfy
but it makes me wanna touch your hair
and you will never be around
so i just listen to music
and think about you
because it feels really good

I hope you look back on memories of me and think
"I'm happy i'm not with that loser anymore"
I love you forever

If we go to the moon together
Do we get Forever ?

tomorrow my brain might hurt
come downs ****
but the ups are so worth it

we met by accident
and i will never forget the words you said
in the short time we crossed paths
your smile will always be in my head

meet me there and i'll never forget your name
i will have nothing better to do than wait for you
keep your spot warm and sing while i wait
eternity is nothing
if i can spend it with you

looking back in time, only in my mind
i can smell the day i was in, feel the wind by my side.
the sun on my back, walking through back trails of a small
forest with my friends, looking for a place to smoke ****.
ironic right, but i never thought about how time pasts,
i felt like those moments would last forever
but now i'm further away from them than i have ever been
and all i can feel is a somber Melancholy that i am ever so used to

Don't text me again
i don't want a long paragraph with a goodbye at the end
that scares me the most
closing the door forever
you don't need me but i need you
just don't text, don't say goodbye yet

I've always heard the expression
"life is a movie"
but sometimes i feel like mine is only a picture.

yeah i'm really high right now
a ouija board said i would die in September
so i will sleep on the floor
because i like it here
i like fogging my brain with chemicals

i wanna meet you at those pearly gates
i know we loved in another life
i wont be afraid
we all go in the ground one day.

You need to stop for a second,
Look around you baby, its empty
Where did all your time go ?
How’d we end up here ?