I hate eating
i don't wanna eat
i can feel my stomach aching for food
but i don't think i could swallow a bite of anything
i don't wanna eat
it doesn't feel good
everything tastes like chalk

I know it is not going to help in the long run
but at this point i just want to feel good
i want to take my mind off things
hopefully i forget and she forgets too
this burns the bridge i always wanted to have built
i can never go across it again
i have put the final nail in the coffin
no looking back now

i hate that you lied to me
and you think you got away with it too

if i ever see your face again
i am gonna look right through you
like a ghost

I'm sorry that i had to start today on a bad note but
words just start overflowing in my head
and i want it to stop so bad
i meditate sometimes, but not enough.
i want it all to stop
just make it stop.

I not only have frustrated my inner soul
i feel i have caused an echo
from the one decision i made two nights ago
a shudder tingles my spine
at only the thought of it coming to the light
like a butterfly effect
i don't think the consequences will show themselves
for years to come

i cannot only feel my memories fading
i cannot hear her voice in my head anymore
i think its a good sign but i miss her voice from time to time
it was home in a sweet package
setting me at ease no matter the location
keeping me still and present
farewell

I'm so scared i don't know what to do
i'm going to be so lost without you
i'm nothing without you

i felt safe for a long time
maybe it was like having a net under you when your doing trapeze
no fear of falling
comforting to know someone would be there to catch me
if i happen to fall
if i hit the ground
someone would be there to hold me
make the pain go away

that person has to be myself
19 years and that's one thing i learned for sure
i have to be there for myself
nobody else is stuck with me but myself

I feel like i've written about you and only you
i wanna do something to make you feel the way i do
and i've said this a thousand times too
i want to make you love me the way i love you again

Why do you still even talk to me
leave me in the dark already
i know you want to
i deserve to be here
all alone
with the ghost that haunts me
its my ghost, we talk sometimes
i'm gonna be leaving soon
and you might never see me again
but the less you know the better.

I hate this feeling
this is why i do drugs
because i'm scared to feel like this
im sweating in my bed and i cant sleep
only now do i wish so much for nothing to feel
nothing to touch or smell or see
i just want to be completely, Null, i want to not exist


is this the tragedy we are all born with?
Do we all just cope in different ways?
is mine just drugs?
will mine take me out?
i am not that lucky.

Our energies peaked together
not on this planet but somewhere far away
something a brain like mine could not comprehend
it is beyond the third dimension
its beyond thought and logical precision
it is simply, magical
i feel that energy intertwine and something keeps me calm
even when you are very very gone from my life
i can feel your energy wrapping back around
tapping me lightly on the shoulder, letting me know
the short time we both spend here on earth
is overshadowed by the eternity we get to spend together after our lives are done and over with, when we get recycled by this earth
our souls get to cross again
i will be waiting.

might only feel like my life is over
i know yours is still moving, so so so fast

im stagnant
i am stuck in quicksand
and i only like to thrash around and go deeper and deeper
until my head is under the surface and there is nothing left but silence.

tender as you are
you are a nuclear bomb ticking away
i can see it , kind of
you hide it well
but i think i need to turn around soon
i do not wanna be around to see that one pop

i am so happy with my progress
you left me hopeless and helpless
i felt empty like my ribcage had been yanked out
but i feel better again
my heart has cooled down from the intense flames of our love

i have cooled down and i think i am almost ready
to fly high again and float weightless
in love

Electricity in the brain causes all of this
the experience of everyone is condensed into one *****
if we could survive purely on instinct
i think the illnesses our important electricity ***** contract
would not be as ******* us

i was so close to unblocking you
and sending you a terrible message
but i had to sit still and think about it
its a sign of pure anger
i would only gain more pain and worries
i do not need that
i need to meditate

i want to run away
to a place
with faces i'll only see once
and names i'll only hear twice

Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do
i'm sorry if somebody sees this poem as the final nail in the coffin
but suicide is the most selfish thing you can do
dying is easy
death is easy
i'm so sorry your soul was not strong enough to handle the tragedy of human life enough to end it so soon
so many things to do, feelings to experience
and you cut it short because you thought pain and loneliness
would last forever
when both of these facets of life are not only inevitable
they are the key feelings we need to progress.

i'm writing this because, if i don't write it somewhere
i will end up finding a way to get it to you.
Amy, i will always miss you, in every waking moment of my life.
I wish we could figure it out
can we just talk please? can i know what you're doing
i see you in everything i do. i try to distract myself but it
will always be you who is tattooed on my mind
i miss you so much
i miss your presence
i miss everything. i miss you Amy, i wish you would come back.
I want the life we always wanted, i wanna work towards it with you
i don't wanna see you move on
i don't wanna see you holding another guys hand
i know you cant wait for me to do something to better myself.
but i want you here while i do it
i want to hold your hand while i do it
i wish you weren't gone.
i wish you didn't block me on everything.
i know trying to contact you would cause so much pain
so im just gonna cry over my keyboard
and write what im feeling.
it helps. but soon i might do something reckless.
im scared i wont see you again
or if i do, you'll be with the love of your life
or you could look right through me.
like i was never even a sliver of your life.

this passes with time, things hurt for a while but they get better
you don't keep sticking the fork into the outlet once it shocks you once, right?
Wrong actually, that pain makes me feel alive
something to feel in my soul
so i continue to go back and forth, emotions felt so deeply i fear of taking my life.
On the hardest nights i have to write something to get the words out
or i will silence them forever.

I wasn't who she thought i was.
after almost 3 years.
I wasn't who she thought i was.
i was never that person, but i spent 3 years trying to be.

I know it's terrible but your netflix is still logged into my laptop
and i go onto your profile sometimes just to see what you're watching.
at least we both can't watch the shows we watched together all the time.
i'm sorry but even knowing you're watching the office for the millionth time, makes me feel slightly better. it also kinda hurts, because i wanna be right beside you and watch our favourite shows again.

I'm not scared to die no longer.
We promised to meet on the other side, my darling.
I think i am gonna go soon, i will be right there waiting for you
i will have nothing better to do, than to wait for you
so we can get back to spending eternity together.

i need the opposite of options.
i don't know a word for that
i just know that if i am given options

i will choose the worst one

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't lighter on my feet today
i have issues you see, so i check almost daily whether or not you still have me blocked.
but today you don't have me blocked.
what does that mean?
i'm only slightly anxious, but all i want is to talk
i don't want a relationship, i just want you around.