If only he knew

How  much  I loved  him
How much  I cared
How much he meant
In my world he was king
In my mind he was everything
In my heart he was it
But in his I'm nothing
I stopped being his all and everything
I stopped being the reason he smiled
I didn't exist
He no longer smiles when our eyes meet
He passes me by like a stranger handing him A penny he dropped on the street

If only he knew
How I cried day and night
Living without him was a pain
Smiling became a challenge
If only he knew
If only he knew
Then he'd understand
And maybe
Just maybe
He'll love me again

I lay here staring
Hoping it will ring
The phone to my happiness
The remedy for depression
Closure to my insecurity
Why won't she call
Why cant she see
The need for her assurance
In my life.

In my world
She'd be queen
She'd be first
And i'd be happy

Im loosing it
Tempted to cut
To choke
To smoke
To get drunk
To forget
The hurt inside
If only i could
Tell her how i feel

Maybe she'll understand
Maybe she'll see
How important she is to me
But what scares me most
Is hearing the anger in her voice

The will to go on without me
Her happiness without me
The joy someone else might grant her

So if that day comes
The one where her silence deafens
Her gaze relocates
The spark dies down
And friction looses its grip
I'll crash and burn
Worst than 9/11
And i'll pay the price
One i can't afford

They don't understand
They say im too weak, too young
I know more than they do
Because its happening to me
This will be my 32nd disaster
And just like the first 31
I'll fight alone
I'll crawl alone
I'll cry alone
I'll be alone
In my corner
At the back of her mind

Im broken
No glue can fix me
Every nut, bolt and *****
I've lost them all
Help is no longer needed
But what i'll smile about
Is the fact that
When I hang from that tree
And then lay in my box
She'll look at me
She'll see me
She'll know what she missed
And when she speaks
She'll know how i felt
How i mourned
How i burned
Then she'll love me back

Im not a writer
Im a poet
A master in the art
Im not a monster
Im a human
With a huge heart
I dont always rhyme
Unless is casual
Keep it classy

I don't argue
I dont fight
I watch
I observe
I see the snarls
I hear the words

If only they could ****
I would be extinct
Accept me
Believe in me
Im trying my best
To be someone you'll be proud of
Call me yours
Own me
Earn me
  
I wont apologise
For being sincere
Neither for being dry
Its a war of emotions
The victor will earn
Society's love
Fame
Power
And the rest
Well thats history

The stage of human development
The process of advancing society
The culture of a race

Transforming ones personality
To embrace his new found spirituality

I say King, You say demon
I stand united, you stand alone
How did we get here?
A place where fashion overrules social unity
No one is allowed to oppose

Only statues go without clothes
Moulded, painted and erected
With pride hidden from the human eyes
A bizarre term from scholars
Something called obligation
Stealing our freedom
Ignoring our masters notion
Seeking pleasure

I search for exemption
Freedom from oppression
As they battle to end the revolution
Rules made, rules broken

Validation is what we needed
A hint of support, and we hit the road
Head high, smiles wide
We have achieved liberty
And the rest is history

He was my rock
He loved me for me

And just because of jealousy
I lost him

He was my missing piece
He completed me

Yet I still felt empty
I felt like he loved somebody else

I guess I now know why he left me

He was giving me all he had
All a man could ever have
And all a girl could ever dream of

.................................  And I was just too greedy

Im shattered
Im broken
Im lost
Not loved
She's become
A figment of my imagination
She strayed
And i did nothing
I pushed her
And then asked why
She left
And im alone
She's tired
Im helpless
In time
She'll fine
I'll be over
And love
Well love will just be love
Because
Its just not for us

I thought i could do it
Drink away the pain
Smoke away the hurt
And that when midnight struck
You would just be a memory
In the back of my mind

But instead
The tables turned
And that bridge burnt
And now I'm back at square one
Lost in love

I was wrong
He doesn't care
And now
I haveto live with that fact
He stopped looking
Why did i rejoice
When maybe
I wasnt even the one
He was looking for
It seemed like a miracle
For a short while
Is love really for fools
Is this really ending
When it barely even started
Is he leaving
When he wasnt even half way inside
My question is always this
Why do i love a man i barely know
Barely touched
Barely kissed
Barely saw
Yet it felt like we're soul mates
I died inside
My heart withered
My breathing changed course
I want to wash him away
All his memories
All his jokes
All his everything
Yet when im near the sink
Its like i become a coward
To something i know must be done
Im done trying
I've said this a million times
Never made it far enough
To believe its true
Has he moved on
Has he loved someone else
I'd rather live with him being murdered
That with him cheating
Its cold but its true

2 × 16
Thats how much i love him
Thats how much i need him
Thats how much i can't go on
Without his assurance
Im stuck in my emotions
Drowning in my tears
Dead in my path

2 × 16
Thats when i'll move on
Thats when i'll be fine
Thats when the hurt will die
Loving a man twice my age
Is like drugs
Too much will **** you
Too little makes you fragile

I'll
Love
Me
For
The
Both
Of
Us

Is this even a condition?
My mind confused
My heart heavy
My life seems a mess
And I'm here
With my knife in hand
Destined to end it
Determined to live on
Why am I depressed?
Where is my smile?