I can’t sleep
I can’t feel,
The way I feel I right now....

I wish I knew what this was
I wish I knew how to stop it

I know I had to let this feeling in,
I know I had to feel this coming
So why can’t I get rid of it the same way



I’ve prayed for peace I’ve preached for hope
I pray to heal, or at least to cope
But I never do,and I fear I never will.

This pain isn’t a season, it’s a part of me.
And I can’t find the reason, but I know one day I’ll see
That this pain isn’t pain after all.

It’s the tearing away of what shouldn’t be, and the replacing of what needs to be.
It’s the destruction of a incorrection
It’s the breaking away a wrong reputation

I can’t see where to go because I let my identity become my work,
I let my work be who I was.

And now that my work is over, I am over...



Or...at least so I thought...

I remember the day.
I remember the warm air.
I remember the song I was playing.
I remember the drive.
I remember when you answered the door.
I remember your smile.
I remember you mothers meal. .
I remember your puppy.
I remember the games we played.
I remember the smell.
I remember the food with your friends.
I remember leaving you.
I remember the drive home.
I remember the feelings.
I remember the texts.
I remember your smile.
I remember your laugh.

But I don’t remember our last kiss.
I can’t remember why I stopped kissing you.
I can’t remember why I let go.
Why I left
Why I didn’t fight
Why I didn’t call you back
Why I let you slip away
Why I let him have you
Why I never came back
Why I didn’t call your friends
Why I wasn’t there to make you smile again
Why I wasn’t being a better man for you
Why I never returned home to find you
Why I left for so long
Why I couldn’t put aside my pride to beg
Why I looked away when we sang our song.
I can’t remember why I stopped hugging you..

Well,
I guess I do remember our last kiss...

And I’ll never forget the mistake I made in letting you go.

I scan to see your name pop up in my notifications
I hope to feel my phone vibrate with your text
I desire to hear you leave me one more message

But when I see your name, I have to look away
When I see your face, I have to shut it off
When I hear your voice, our song, your old messages, the pictures, the memories, the old places... I have to break down...

I see your name next to my picture
But it’s only satisfying for a moment,
And in that fleeting second of relief that you’ve seen my picture,
Despair and depression creep in and I’m left wanting that high again.

Your very name makes my heart sore and then come crashing down like a comet, burning up in earths atmosphere.

I can’t bare to talk to you, but can’t live without mentioning your name. I hate that you’ve become apart of who I am, but I don’t want to live apart from who you are.

I’ve become someone I’m not proud of, to become something I’m not.
I’ve tried to gain your attention, your affection, your hatred even, just for you to notice my existence.
But in trying to find you, I lost myself.

I’ve torn my clothes with grief, and shed tears of shear pain and sorrow.
I cannot get a grip on reality, but cannot let go of the past and the pain it brings to my future.

There are nights I  lay awake thinking of what could have been, but I am met with what wasn’t and what shouldn’t have been.
I lose sight of the future while I look back to get you, then trip over your scars you’ve left me with.  

All while you get a good nights sleep, and cuddle next to him... him. The one who says he loves you, and gets to keep you, and hold you. The one who doesn’t deserve your love.

But now, neither do i. In my attempt to gain your love, I threw out every chance to earn it. In my hatred towards losing you I gave up every opportunity to have you.  I will never be the same man, and you will never be the same woman.

You will go on to live without regret, and I’ll go on to live with you as my biggest. I wish you’d come back to me, but in my heart I know if you ever did, it isn’t the me you thought you’d find, it’s the me that is scarred and impure, after you broke my heart, chose to look away and let me die alone.

This isn’t a poem, but I wanted to share this bit of emotion.

See here's the thing about her that makes her so great. So painfully great. I love how she laughs, how she smiles. When she laughs it's contagious and when she smiles it's so bright and full of joy. Some people smile just because they are happy, but when she smiles she radiates joy! I love how we have the same dumb sense of sarcastic humor and can laugh at anything! I love how our music is the same and yet we can constantly share new music with each other. Or how she can just be around me, And I just feel happier! I think it's great that at lazer tag we could just go off by ourselves and have an awesome time! Like with jess, if I went off just me and her, we'd probably end up kissing or holding hands or just anything physical. But with sidney we were able to have so much fun together. And laugh! And make up new inside jokes! And then at  church we could worship together, we feel the same way about worship. We can listen to what God is saying together and still have fun. I like how we can go back and forth and never get tired of talking to each other. I like how she pats my back twice as a way to call me stupid