How am I suppose to make a home
Out of the strangers who raised me?
- A house it's not a home.

I want to kiss your face
and play with your hair,
but we're far gone, dead—
how can love still be there?

I know it won't come back to life,
but I want to hold you once more.
I want to spend the night;
I want the warmth of your love.

Do you miss my hug?
Do you crave my scent?
If you truly loved me,
why didn't you show me then?

I know we're broken;
there's no way to mend.
But if I just want you for the night,
do you think we can?

Your hair is long again
As a black vasel
Running through my hand

Your eyes grew fiercely
Staring into mine with no hesitation
I wouldn't be surprised if they read me

Your smile is softer now
Learned a thing or two about empathy
Became a better you somehow

Does your hands still looking for mine?
Its not like I'm looking for a fight

I just need a answer
And I can't complete focus on you
When my mind is going to "we were"

Just tell me
I promise to pretend I don't mind
If you throw me a lie

Lie to me
So the lie I tell myself
Become a little more believable

- we could have built it all side by side...

I can't identify where the pain comes from
If it's from frustration
or anger
If it's the effect of being worn

I can't tell why I cry so much
May be paying for all the years
Where not a tear would run

I thought I could do so much better
That I could be much more
Perhaps thought I was clever
Perhaps thought I could open the door

Now I'm hurt
I'm angry
I knew I would end up
Here eventually

Nor the dusk ease me
Much less the dawn
Constantly empty
It's scary to think about

It took me a lifetime
To learn how to put these letters together
You used a day or two

It took me years
To learn how to swing the pen
It was a hour or so for you

I used to stand so proud
To be able to do theses things
When you, with boredom
Learned it overnight
And wanted to taught me
How to do them right

It makes me so angry
How I had to give everything I have
To learn all of it
And you do everything better
At your first shot

It makes me guess
Are you special
Or am I just not enough?

Yesterday
I thought I wanted to die
Today
I'm sure

-Such a obvious way to go

Neutrality
It's never a choice
There's no middle spot
It's always a two sides sword

I keep bringing them back alive
I guess I like to fight
I never really learned
How to let the ghosts of my past slowly burn
I think I'm not ready to let them fade
I rather keep talking to people who are just a shade

- Sometimes I wonder if I did not morph into a ghost myself

He's your golden boy
Right, dad ?
Doing all the things you want
And nothing above that
He's always around
But how wouldn't he be?
I would too
If I wasn't mistreated

Now you're there
With your golden boy
Telling everyone what a nice kid he is
Do you even remember I'm here?

I guess you are right
Because from where I stand
You two are just alike

I don't know if you just didn't want a daughter
Or if you thought you were raising me right back then
But how can you expect for me
To love you back
After all in the end?

- I'm not mature enough to forgive or forget

"I've never experienced grief,"
I pondered for quite some time.
But in this pool of stagnation, I grieve each day,
An eternal punishment, as Sisyphus and his climb.

I grieve the life I dreamt of as a child,
To silence the screams at dinner.

I grieve the future we planned out
Before I saw you leaving.

I grieve golden hours in my living room,
With a book in hand and tea on the table,
In a house I never managed to buy.

I grieve my friends,
Who now reside in a distant dream future,
Where our worlds no longer collide.

I grieve my dream job,
Fulfilling work and festive nights,
Mornings being applauded for being a mastermind.

And most of all, I grieve,
Our future together,
Which I've dreamed of for years,
A house, plants, games, cats,
Dancing in the living room,
Purchasing new chairs,
Our cooking sessions at three a.m,
Knowing I'm loved for what I am.

Paper dreams,
Imaginary plans,
Tired smiles,
Our hidden dance.

I know I can get repetitive
So pardon me if I do
After all , what is grief
If not spiraling thoughs in a loop

My goals, plans so grand,
Smiles we shared, happiness at our hand,
Now are shattered, buried in the sand,
My is future lost and for that,
I grieve again.

I used to listen to old school rock
I used to say "I will never"
I used to think youth beat the life clock
And life would never get better
Now I think differently
And it scares me that I'm only months away to get out of my teens
I thought I would never call someone "lovely"
But things does change, it seems

-I still skeptical if change it's a good thing, thou.

I've let you go

I hate
To feel hate
But how can I feel something else
When all I'm given is hate?

How can I paint the canvas green
When I only have the red?

- I used to be watercolor

I hate this feeling
Of wanting to screaming a thousand words
But I remain speechless

I hate this feeling
Wanting to cry all night
But my face stay still like ice

I hate this feeling
The need to talk to someone
But not trusting on anyone

I hate this feeling
The need to push everyone that might care away
I know it's not my fault but I can't look them  face to face

I hate
And I hate hating.

She was my sun
My all
My fun
And my fall

I guess is a spell
What a face
I am not well
Such a phase

She was my all
She was my best
She was my mold
She was my nest

She was what home felt like
I needed her so much
But I've never confessed
Now
I'm just homeless

- Can we speak?

I don't like changes
I need to change thou
But if I do, is on me to blame
When I'm the only one I have left and my trust on myself broke
How do I keep away pain?
Spent so much time convincing myself I was the right one
How to change without admitting I was wrong?
Cause I don't wanna be
I just wanted to be free
And admitting I need to change
That I need a new version of me
Will be the scariest thing I ever did

Go on, go on
Use your difficult words
No, no
What a absurd!
Nah, of course I don't mind!
Go ahead
Steal what is mine
Don't bother
Take away what I've done
Pretend is yours,
Go on and tell everyone
Do you feel amazing?
Does it feels good?
Being credit for someone's else work
And saying it was you?

And I'm still not knowing
If when the night falls I become someone else
Or I'm the raw me because I"m alone with myself

- I'm not a good company

I love  you to death
But do I love you enough to keep away from me death?

My eyes won't dry
The days keep passing by
I used to have all the answers
Now I only have the questions
And every day they double themselves
And I just can't, I can't

I feel so small
Standing against it all
I can't tell the length of these walls
But at least when I'm so small
I don't need to fear the fall

-Against all these cons I gotta look for a pro

You do not know me anymore
If you only knew me five years ago
I've grown apart from myself
If the younger me saw this version
What would she tell ?

"Face's not so bad, but body's overweight"
The degree is not so bad
But I thought we would way beyond that
And you make more money than mom and dad
But now we understand the bar was never hard to get past
The girl you loved for ten years and counting
Just skipped you for the most average lad

Yeah, I know what I would say
And it's comforting in some way
To know there will never be this day
Where I would see my self hate

- I wished to be the one to make a difference

If there's a hell
Priests will be the first ones to land foot there
Then they'll cry out to God
"What I did wrong?"
While blood drips from theirs mouths
And venom flow through their hands

If there's a hell
I hope my seat it's reserved
Near enough to see all of em burning for eternity
Paying for all the mental abuse
Caused to young people that went to church looking for love
And instead were given pitchfork and fire

You refuse to look inward
And ask the big questions.
You refuse to open your mind
To a few new perceptions.
How do you want the answer
If you don't do the sessions?
I hope you find what you want,
But life doesn't make exceptions.

I don't think
That "I love you"
Makes justice to what I feel
Doesn't matter how many times I say it
There's not a word
Not a sentence
That will put in words
This feeling I have in my stomach
When I lock eyes on you

Imaginary talks
Going around in a spiral
Getting further, but never quite there
I have answers for every question
You have never asked

Imaginary talks
Even when they were real
They were still imaginary
Because the words I longed for
Never left your mouth

Imaginary talks
Because I'm blocked
I keep sending everything to your DMs
In case you see it
But I know you won't

Imaginary talks
Of us today in bed, playing games
While outside, the rain reigns
We loved these kinds of days
But it will never be the same

Imaginary talks
Of what you're saying to her
Now you've replaced me
You're doing so well, doesn't it hurt?

When it was just you and me against the world

I never decide,
either I wanna go out
or spend my day doing nothing inside.
I never decide
do I wanna live?
or do I wanna die?
I never decide
it is worthy prioritizing your
instead of my own smile?
I never decide
one day I think it will be the death of me
the next the reason why I'll make it out alive
I never decide,
and being honest I know I'll never do
and I guess this is good
cause it would be a lie if I had all the asnwers and knew all the truth.

- When you have all the answers, don't all the question become stupid?

Left
Right
It doesn't stop
It dances around
So many thoughts
So **** loud
I really meant
To be okay by now
Now sleep, sleep
Come here, come here
But you never do
And it's nothing new
I'm still awake
So tired as I could sleep forever
My thoughts are running faster
I'm tired
I'm done
I'm exhausted
I try
I go
Where?
Sadness and hope
What a dammed midnight
Time
Flows
My mind
Drowns
I
Cry
Alone
All the night

- I dont remember the last time I actually slept.

I miss being in love

And now I'm with this funny feeling
and the funny thing is that this ain't funny at all.
I keep using the funny phrase to make it sound casual,
but sometimes you can choke on your own pain
and be certain that it will be fatal.

And it's funny how it was easy for you
to walk away and still keep your cool.
And it's so **** funny that it brought me to tears
the way you made me think it was all my fault
when you were the one who promised heal me
but instead layed in my wounds salt.

And I guess this may be darkhumor
cause it's funny
you who were so sunny,
made it rain.
But it doesn't rain anymore.
It's just cold
and I'm still frozen,
with that ironic frozen smile in my face.
You know,
they say it's so funny how it happened,
I keep laughing when I remember
how sweet was your grin
when you left
I suddenly caught myself wishing for rain again.

- I didn't thought the desert would drown me too.

Crying for you
Every single time

How nice of you to give me the Burn Heal
After being the one who's thrown me into the fire

- Are you feeling better about yourself now?

I've let go of my words
Because you said my english wasn't good enough

I've let go of my points
Because you said I'm always pushing my point of view

I've let go of speaking up around you
Because my opinion it's always wrong

I've been sore by someone that can barely put up a phrase together

And still

I've let go of myself
Because you would never love someone like me

I write to myself
I'm the one that gets
I write to myself
I'm the only one that cares

I have so much to say
So much to put out there
But nobody wants to listen
I just want to share

A little bit of what's suffocating me
I could record an audio for this
And it would be easier for you to listen than to read
But there's a lump in my throat
No words around here
I lost my voice
So please, would you read?

I don't want to meet
I want to write to you
And asked why you left me
But you don't want to read

And I want to ask my friend's
What is wrong with me
Ask what they think made you leave
But they are too tired to read

And I poured
And poured
And then poured some more
I became too much to handle
To everyone

Everyone I love tells me to "just move on"
But I gave you everything
And then you were gone

I gave you my words
I screamed from the bottom of my throat
But it wasn't enough

I wrote a thousand pleas
Showed every ounce of my soul
And it doesn't make sense to me
When I asked you to stay
You left me on "read"

When it's all done
They gonna say they did care
They don't understand
They didn't see it coming
They could never knew what was going on
Oh
But how could you?
When you're always floating around
But never close enough to help

- my head, a wall and my forehead crying blood.

Just like tree arms
The maybes
And the perhaps
Unfold in front of me
Some say you gotta make your way through the branches
Some say you gotta let it be
I see so many paths to be followed from here
My only certain its that there is so much left to see
Just like tree arms
Some might hurt me
But still, take me high
They may left me sore
Thou, the view will be a unique sigh

What a kid
Are you kidding me?
What a kid
And with me
Getting caught in the crossfire
I'm so tired
You're such a kid
Playing with me
But obeying tightly
Who buys your snacks

I know I shouldn't feel like this
But knowing I shouldn't feel like this
And not feeling it
Are two edges
So        far        
                        from     each
                                                      other

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
I don't want to die; I just want to escape.
About to fly off, but there’s no hero's cape.

Standing at the edge of this landscape,
Last month, I thought it wasn't too late
To take a jump into the air as if it were a lake.
But now I see clearly, and there's no way.

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
It took me too long to realize that life doesn't negotiate.
It just sets its price, then comes and takes.

I was standing at the edge of this landscape
A few seconds ago, but now I'm falling while my lungs deflate.

Thought that I could change,
Somehow the hope was fake.
I knew I was never good at setting a pace.

At least for the first time, I don't hold hate
Of all that could be, this is the best place
To put my shoes aside and set my grave.

When my body becomes part of this landscape.

I want to cry my eyes out
Till I see they're melting on the floor
Empty canvas on my face
Where they were before

I wanna rip my heart out
Just up my throat
Cut it open and spread it
To see where its sore

I want to find the miracle cure
Search through all the earth
Find out what's hurting my soul
Take the bad off my core

If I'm not to find the antidote
Wherever it might be
I'll take out the poising in my bag
And this will be the last full moon I see

My love's running cold
And I don't think it will ever warm up again
Do I want it to warm up again?

My life's running warm as never
Who took off the fold?
Why did I start living so old?

Is it comfort that binds me?
Why can't I embrace change,
Despite knowing the answer,
And persisting in the same?

Locked up inside a lock that's locked
How to free myself from me
How to become
Something I'm not

Or am I?
Who is "me"?
So many things coming together
And since last week
And I'm no longer twenty three

Even having a good time
Its a bad time
lately

- Why can't  I just enjoy?

My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I'm starting the same stages over and over
I wish my character was fast
The timer is almost over, I havent beat my old best
I feel like I have the wrongs skills equipped
My inventory is useless and I've failed six times on the thing I should have flipped
I'm so tired of re-doing it
I'm losing on dumb mistakes
I'm so sick of getting beat
I wonder what victory tastes
My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I wish
I just wish
I wish I knew best

-Thou, I'm glad to know there's people enjoying playing with my life

I remember thinking that a game would never impact your life like a book would
I was so wrong
Now there's nothing that makes me feel warm in my heart
Like when Life is Strange soundtrack comes along

I wanna cry like I've  never cried before.
I wanna die like I've never died before.
Because I've died too many times
and today I'm dying a little bit more.
I do not even understand,
wish I knew why we do this kinda of stuff for.

-Everytime I think the fall will end
                                                             I fall
                                                                      a little bit
                                                                                        more.

They say somethings are just like riding a bike, you can't forget
I remember I learned pretty young how to get by on my own and in self defense my head was set
Then you came around, it was like in all my beliefs you pressed reset
From one minute to the other the world wasn't grey anymore, I could finally see a colorful sunset
I didn't have to struggle so much anymore, I've put my defenses down cause then I wasn't alone to defeat the threats
Then you went away, and I was on my own again
I tried to calm myself because I've been alone before, I knew how to get it right, I know how to pilot this plane
Told myself "somethings are just like riding a bike, you can't forget"
So here I'm asking why the hell life ain't fair
Because I'm going crazy trying to figure it out how to keep sane without you there.

- I'm starting to think you were a drug disguised as a person.