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122 · Dec 2021
Stuck in the moment
Callamasttia Dec 2021
I feel just as Icarus
However, I'm stuck in a forever moment

between the flying

and the falling

Yet, I can never tell
If I'm flying or falling for the most part
I just know that the world is on slow motion
And my wings are constantly melting upon my body
122 · Feb 2022
Us in a blur box
Callamasttia Feb 2022
It all blends together
The heat of the flashes
The giggling in the hazy
Hair strands on yours cheeks
A faint voice tripping on my ear
Yours hands sliding down my jeans
And it's so loud
I can't really tell which part
Is the music pumping in my veins?
Or the raining voices gossiping?
The shadows come and go
And the only thing I can actually process
Is how drunk on you I am
The rest is a blur
A distant dream
There's dance and there's drinking
But I only see the honey of your eyes
And the rest is confetti
121 · Aug 2024
Big Tears
Callamasttia Aug 2024
Big tears,
for a small, small girl.
Dripping and dropping down
soaking my shirt.

Big tears,
the accumulation of the last few months
that I’ve succeeded in not thinking about—
until now.

And now, there are big tears,
crashing heavily against my chin.
Sliding past my shirt,
encountering my knee.

Tears don’t hurt,
but my ego does,
for letting them out.
The most excruciating months of my life—
and I survived, somehow.

And for the first time I truly wanted
to come out alive and breathe out.
And for the first time
it was hard to keep that vow.

When I wanted to die,
It didn't hurt this bad.
When I wanted to die,
I ate to numb the anxiety,
and then the double of that.

Now I don’t want to die,
but you sure tried to make it so.
And I couldn’t eat
for a week, maybe more.

I’ve spent my life trying to lose twenty pounds—
"About over six months I guess, I'm not so sure".
And in one week
I've lost so much more.

I’ve never felt like this—
like just a corpse.
No reason,
no will,
thinking, “I want to live. I want to move on.”
But there was no beat,
no pulse—
just tears,
because you were gone.
But why?
Why, when you were gone,
suddenly so was I?

And now I’m left with beer,
and such big tears.
They don’t hurt,
but it sure makes hard to breathe.
121 · Mar 2019
Random Poetry
Callamasttia Mar 2019
Reading random poetry
Feels like a hundred people screaming
Some are in pain
Some are beaming
One got me laughing
One got me thinking
Something makes me nostalgic
Some so good and still so basic
I just know poetry tastes likes nothing else
Forever the shelter flavor I will choose to dwell

- If only poetry had the same attention as TV shows, I would be able to know many more worlds.
120 · Aug 2021
Breathing corpse
Callamasttia Aug 2021
She's a living corpse walking around
Every time I scroll the screen down
I grief a little bit more
The person that's long gone

- you have the face, but you're not her anymore
118 · 2d
Flaws
I'm not asking you to be flawless
To ask for that would only divide;
flaws don’t reduce your worth
or dim your shine.
We don't have to be perfect alone
To work side by side
I'll compensate your flaws
and you'll compensate mine
118 · Sep 2021
A thing you build
Callamasttia Sep 2021
They say

Home is not a place you find
It's a place you build

But how am I supposed
To build anything
Out of rotten wood
And broken glass?

- too perish to stand on its feet
118 · Jan 2020
Drowing in u
Callamasttia Jan 2020
If I'm being honest
I wasn't really looking
But can I have your number ?
I dont quite get
Are you flirting with me?
How did we get there?
I know you
But I don't
I didn't see the birth of this flame
I never even known your actual name
But now the thoughts of you are coming down like thunder
So ocean eyes girl, can I have your number?

-I kinda wish you weren't one of my bosses daughter
117 · Dec 2018
Forever Foreigner
Callamasttia Dec 2018
How am I suppose to make a home
Out of the strangers who raised me?
- A house it's not a home.
116 · Nov 2021
Things I can't believe
Callamasttia Nov 2021
That I won't read the end of A Song Of Ice And Fire
That life got harder after eighteen, when it should get easier
That no mystic creature showed up to take me to Camp Half-Blood
And most of all things
I just can't believe that after all these years
I'm still writing about you

- Do you even remember I exist ?
116 · Jan 2019
Life is Strange
Callamasttia Jan 2019
I remember thinking that a game would never impact your life like a book would
I was so wrong
Now there's nothing that makes me feel warm in my heart
Like when Life is Strange soundtrack comes along
Sorry, I'm just really hyped about the second season of my favorite game lol
116 · Aug 2019
The Search
Callamasttia Aug 2019
It's been eleven hours I'm listening to music
My ears hurt and my head pounds
But if I turn it off my thoughts run wild
The sound of silence it's much more loud
So I put my earphones on
I dont have anything to keep me busy so it will be long
I'm playing my favorite tracks but it still not fun
It's like I'm on the search for the perfect song

- Instead of complain I should be thankful for having music to shut my mind
115 · Feb 2019
Failure.
Callamasttia Feb 2019
It seems like a song I know all the words
And when it goes wrong I remember I've been here before
How does someone make the same mistakes again?
How does someone genuinely don't know how everything it touches eventually crashes down in the land?
Cause I'm so ******* tired
Of trying and trying in vain
How I'm supposed to believe if it all turn into failure
It's like I'm my biggest traitor.

-I gotta keep believing the universe it's against me, otherwise it's just because of my lack of capacity.
115 · Jun 2021
One word
Callamasttia Jun 2021
Isn't it insane
How one word
Shorter than a second of sound
Straight out of your mouth
Could change my life
In a split of a moment ?

- one word it's all it takes
114 · Mar 2022
Clean
Callamasttia Mar 2022
I take a shower
After shower
After shower
After shower
Trying so desperately
Wash it away

The sweat
The thoughts
The scent
The guilt

Trying to untie the knots
In my stomach
In my head

I stay under the burning water
Wishing it somehow take it all
And carry it down the drain
So I can come off the shower
And feel clean again
114 · Oct 2024
Blank canva
Callamasttia Oct 2024
And I'll **** him tonight
Not because I want to
But because I like to make what he likes
And me, who always loved an empty canvas
Felt my heart sink when I realized
That I mold and shift for those I love,
And it’s not so fun when the blank canvas is I.
114 · Feb 2024
lately
Callamasttia Feb 2024
My love's running cold
And I don't think it will ever warm up again
Do I want it to warm up again?

My life's running warm as never
Who took off the fold?
Why did I start living so old?

Is it comfort that binds me?
Why can't I embrace change,
Despite knowing the answer,
And persisting in the same?

Locked up inside a lock that's locked
How to free myself from me
How to become
Something I'm not

Or am I?
Who is "me"?
So many things coming together
And since last week
And I'm no longer twenty three
113 · Aug 2021
There's so much out there
Callamasttia Aug 2021
Trying to reach
The unreachable

Wanting to learn
As if I had eternal years

Wanting to read
Every single line that was ever written

All these side quest obligations
Seems so foolish when you put it
Side to side
Of how much there's to absorve in this world

And at 3am it hits me

I want to learn it all
I want to see it all
I wanna write
I wanna read
I wanna draw
I wanna be
I wanna see
I wanna learn
There's so much in this world
And I want it all

- next morning the flame it's gone (until the next 3am insomnia)
113 · Oct 2024
Twenty four
Callamasttia Oct 2024
Ashamed, ashamed—
Like I’m eight but I’m twenty-four.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Like the kid I was before.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Is this what you raised me for?
Ashamed once more.

You make me a little kid,
Just because you think you can.
I’ll always be that child,
That you torture again and again.
Make another joke,
Scream a bit louder,
Say how my brother always makes you prouder.

The same old words,
You’ve said them before—
You make me feel eight at twenty-four.
Say his name, his joy, his love,
Belittle me in front of those I adore.
Push me to the edge one step more,
Maybe I won’t make it to twenty-five,
When you make me feel eight at twenty-four.
112 · Dec 2018
Who I am Today
Callamasttia Dec 2018
I love you. I really do.
You're the best thing I've ever knew.
When gets dark and nothing is left to do
I keep here, just thinking about you.
Did you ever tried? Did even wanted to mark me like that?
Cause all I'm today is on you.
Every line and every song I sang,
Every tear and buttlerflies on dance.
All I think it's worth to live for,
its you who brought.

- Tell me, may I one day means that much to you too?
112 · Aug 2021
Wich way to go?
Callamasttia Aug 2021
They said:
"You'll find your way"
But
There's irony in every step

- it's brutal out here
112 · Mar 2024
Ignorance
Callamasttia Mar 2024
You refuse to look inward
And ask the big questions.
You refuse to open your mind
To a few new perceptions.
How do you want the answer
If you don't do the sessions?
I hope you find what you want,
But life doesn't make exceptions.
111 · Feb 2019
When Did I Grow Up?
Callamasttia Feb 2019
My pyjama doesn't fit me loose anymore
And my favorite cartoon seems so silly
I never want to go outdoors
My room are my safe place lately
And I don't remember when I stopped to like that TV show
I wanted to be those girls when I got older
But they seem so empty now,
So boring now.
I never really wanted to grow up, just to people treat me like one.
When did I grow up?
Back there I would always be loud,
Now I'm always shut
When did I grow up?
Promised myself I'd never change
But the old me became dust.

- Always had a plenty of ideas of what I would become when I grew old, now I get none.
110 · Mar 2021
Four years had gone by
Callamasttia Mar 2021
Your hair is long again
As a black vasel
Running through my hand

Your eyes grew fiercely
Staring into mine with no hesitation
I wouldn't be surprised if they read me

Your smile is softer now
Learned a thing or two about empathy
Became a better you somehow

Does your hands still looking for mine?
Its not like I'm looking for a fight

I just need a answer
And I can't complete focus on you
When my mind is going to "we were"

Just tell me
I promise to pretend I don't mind
If you throw me a lie

Lie to me
So the lie I tell myself
Become a little more believable

- we could have built it all side by side...
110 · Feb 2024
Writer's block
Callamasttia Feb 2024
Words whirl
In chaotic flight
Left and right
A pandemonium of linguistic might

Words engage
In a battle on rage
To see who will make it to the page

When did it get so hard to put them out?
When did I stop writing down?
When did the fire burn out?

Amidst the guts and smashed brain, I know
I cannot weave words I don't truly believe
I only pen what my mind's conceived

I halted my writing, afraid to confront my thoughts
To preserve the mask I've carefully wrought
But I'm suffocating in me, I need the writing
And the ink dont cease calling me

Told myself I was too happy to write
And art can't come out of good things
How can this be happiness
With my mind flooding with words like this ?
Why deceive myself?
Why stifle happiness?
When the situation I'm in
Is just enough to forget the pain
Not to let it go away
110 · Mar 2022
Thank you
Callamasttia Mar 2022
Thank you,
For opening an old wound on me
Deeper than before
So I can see roses blooming from it

Thank you,
For reminding me I can bleed
And making my words flow
I write better when my heart's beating slowly

Thank you
For giving me a taste of a different kind of love
Just to give it back to hurt and longing
At least I had a glimpse of what it could have been

And most of all, thank you
For being the exact reason
I keep my walls so high
And my words for myself

Now you're just another reason for my self isolation

- I kinda new from the start, but I lied to myself - too.
110 · Nov 2018
Take
Callamasttia Nov 2018
Take all of me,
take all the good things.
No, don't you even think about it!
Of course you can take my body.
Here, have a few of my soul too,
a bit of dedication and time above of it,
especially for you.
Get a big slice of my heart,
I swear to write you my greatest bars.
Take my biggest smile along for the ride,
be the owner of every thoughts and words that I'll write.
In return, can I be by your side?
Because I would trade all I am, body and soul for your attention and pleasure,
so don't be shy, I promise you'll like the flavor.

- I write like you haven't already taken all of me (even what you shouldn't).
110 · Mar 2024
Miss you
Callamasttia Mar 2024
I love you, though we're out of sync.
I love you, despite the pain I drink.
I love you, even though we've broken up.
I love you, do you love me, sir?

We're not made for each other,
But I wish we were.
I want you back,
But I'm so tired of breaking and getting on.

I've seen you after nearly a month,
I didn't know I'd miss you this much.
But I do,
I miss you all the way up.
I miss you,
Do you miss me at all?
109 · Nov 2019
Slow Down My Thoughts
Callamasttia Nov 2019
I never know what I'm thinking
Till' I pour it out of my pen
I can't tell if I'm being realistic or dreaming
Before I read it out of the paper, again and again
I don't try to write remarkable things at all
All I do it's write to slow down my thoughts

- I'm someone else within the ink.
109 · Sep 2021
What I write for
Callamasttia Sep 2021
I write to heal
but the ink burns harder
than any wound I had before

I write to relieve
But every time the pen hits the paper
Those memories weights down on me

I write to pour out the madness
But as I try to put it out to make sense
The knots and turns just intertwine more and more

I write for me
So I can know who I was yesterday
Because tomorrow I'll be someone else
So I at least have to know who I'm morning for
109 · Mar 2022
Trigger
Callamasttia Mar 2022
Trigger me
You don't need much
Just the right word

Trigger me
Till the point I need
To numb everything

A pull
An intrusive thought
I could so easily drown in the pool

But night's young
And ******* long
So let's crack our drinks
And light it up
Make some steam

My head's pounding with no med
So let's soak it in
Till I can't see two feets ahead

I know you all will be up till morning
But I can't stand this much longer
So I'll knock myself out
Send down my throat whatever your handing
Till I pass out fourteen hours straight
Numb to the point I won't hear the words you're saying
108 · Feb 2019
Look At Us Now
Callamasttia Feb 2019
It's so overrated being a teen
Everything becomes a trend so fast
It's like no one has their own dreams
It's so sad
I remember when we were kids
We wanted to be anything, but stuck in ours rooms
Now look at us, it's the universe doing its pranks again I presume.

- I still wanting to do so many things but.. these walls has its appeal.
107 · Dec 2018
Not Okay
Callamasttia Dec 2018
I don't really get it
I wish I knew better
I wish the answer was clever
Because I have the answer
And it doesn't matter
'Cause I can't do it anyways
I can't do it and I hate it
I can't do it but I wanna take it
When it breaks will it worth what it takes?
I feel like dying
Then I feel like holding on
Because for a couple of minutes it doesn't  hurt so bad
Then it feels like I'm chained to my bed
I sink into the blankets and just want to disappear
Not daring to move 'cause they might hear
I feel guilty I wanna die
Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty
Because, aren't feelings a kind of beauty?
I guess so
But I don't think so
I don't think that feeling so hard at the point you feel your soul's breaking
It's cool, okay
since art out of it is what you're making.

-Can't art come out of good feelings too?
107 · Dec 2021
Not only birds fly
Callamasttia Dec 2021
You flew away from me
Then so did my poetry
Joy flew away from me
And all my ink became dry
Hope flew away from me
As every smile spreading up my cheeks
The sky filled up with flying things
Going so desperately away from me
Out of that my soul became deeply relieved
When Melancholy and Boredom stayed
When everything dripped through my fingers
I finally had something to grip on
107 · Dec 2018
Isn't Funny?
Callamasttia Dec 2018
And now I'm with this funny feeling
and the funny thing is that this ain't funny at all.
I keep using the funny phrase to make it sound casual,
but sometimes you can choke on your own pain
and be certain that it will be fatal.

And it's funny how it was easy for you
to walk away and still keep your cool.
And it's so **** funny that it brought me to tears
the way you made me think it was all my fault
when you were the one who promised heal me
but instead layed in my wounds salt.

And I guess this may be darkhumor
cause it's funny
you who were so sunny,
made it rain.
But it doesn't rain anymore.
It's just cold
and I'm still frozen,
with that ironic frozen smile in my face.
You know,
they say it's so funny how it happened,
I keep laughing when I remember
how sweet was your grin
when you left
I suddenly caught myself wishing for rain again.

- I didn't thought the desert would drown me too.
106 · Sep 2019
Ghosts of the past
Callamasttia Sep 2019
I keep bringing them back alive
I guess I like to fight
I never really learned
How to let the ghosts of my past slowly burn
I think I'm not ready to let them fade
I rather keep talking to people who are just a shade

- Sometimes I wonder if I did not morph into a ghost myself
106 · Oct 2021
Mine
Callamasttia Oct 2021
My words
My home
My pain
My hurt

A bit piece of it
Makes the entire of it
I'm still learning how to let go
Of the things that are mine

- little by little I'm unloading
106 · Feb 2019
Who's got my back?
Callamasttia Feb 2019
I don't know who are my friends anymore,
I don't even know if I have any at all.
I just know I got drunk super fast so I could come back home.
In the end I just wish I could feel around them like I did before.
When we were young,
When the world was two neighborhood long,
When I could tell them anything and they would made me feel like I belong.
Yeah, I guess these days are long gone.


- I don't even see the same person when I look in your eyes anymore
106 · Jan 2019
I Miss (?)
Callamasttia Jan 2019
I don't know if I miss you
Or if I miss loving you
I know I should stop reminiscing
But I never seem to do
It was your birthday yesterday
It's crazy to think I've just remembered it when it was too late
Thought " guess I'm over it"
But surprise,
now you popping up in my mind randomly
Do you?
Dou you think about me?
Cause now it's  a life where us aren't "we"

-Happy birthday by the way
105 · Oct 2021
If there's a hell
Callamasttia Oct 2021
If there's a hell
Priests will be the first ones to land foot there
Then they'll cry out to God
"What I did wrong?"
While blood drips from theirs mouths
And venom flow through their hands

If there's a hell
I hope my seat it's reserved
Near enough to see all of em burning for eternity
Paying for all the mental abuse
Caused to young people that went to church looking for love
And instead were given pitchfork and fire
Callamasttia Dec 2019
I want to write how I feel
But it seems like I wrote this poem already
I want to make new rhymes
But it seems like I have empty my vocabulary
I want to arrange this feeling in a way it makes sense
But it seems as my thoughts are all spread out like confetti

- What's left for a writer unable to write?
105 · May 2021
Mid Sleep Thoughts
Callamasttia May 2021
How dreamy if I could sleep
As easily as my thoughts drift to you

- You got me into the spiral of thinking of not thinking while I'm thinking about it
104 · Aug 2019
Shh, I need to sleep
Callamasttia Aug 2019
I can feel my heart pounding
I'm as still as I can get
It's like I'm drowning
I try to ignore but I can't let go yet
I feel my heart bumping into my chest
I'm trying to sleep but the beating won't let
I want it to stop
It's not that I want to die
It's just that I don't care if I'm alive
I wish I could sleep a whole night
I don't even remember the last time I wasn't tired
But how do I sleep
When I feel my heart pounding so deep?
Callamasttia Jun 2021
And I'm in that place again
Can't listen
Can't comprehend

I try to make sense
Out of a heavy chest
And wet eyes
But my thoughts are too dense

I can't build sentences
To form a proper line
When I need to pour out the most
I'm just incapable of write

- my ink doesn't work when it's blue
104 · Jul 2020
Magically
Callamasttia Jul 2020
I wait for it to go away, magically.

...I wait
             ......I wait
                          ..........I wait

I pretende these little thoughts aren't here
If I ignore enough it's gonna disappear
...Magically...
But it never does.

- where's tinker bell when I need her?
104 · Dec 2021
When we turn into memories
Callamasttia Dec 2021
When the clock finish the circle
And the world goes into a blur
We will be nothing more
Than bad photos on someone's phone
102 · Dec 2019
Procrastinate Specialist
Callamasttia Dec 2019
I delay
As much as I can
I'm running out of excuses
As I'm trying to convince myself I ain't making excuses at all
It is like I'm building walls
Neither I am aware of what they are made of
They are just as paper thing, but I'm fooling myself they're tough
I'm doing my best to ignore the red lights
And the loud alarms that I turn off
Time grows thinner
My excuses grows wider
I always picture myself as the bravest
The truth is, I was never a fighter

-I should just get **** done already
102 · Jun 2019
Silence
Callamasttia Jun 2019
The sound of silence it's way to loud
It opens space for my thoughts to scream out
I try to shut it but I dont know how
Maybe it is my fault
For letting my imagination being all about
What it was or what it could be
Every scenarios that I dream
Every problem I'm being involved with
Comes out to play on this silent beat

-Shhh... I need to sleep sometimes
Callamasttia Aug 2019
The stars in my nose go crazy
They start to burst slow and lazy
Every single time when I'm about to cry
Every single time sanity tells me goodbye
They are a warning that the universe give to me
That I'm gonna fall apart if I don't take a breath in and deep
And alongside with the stars bursting
my eyes start to shoot fireworks
And everything I see is a blur
And just like that, I have a big bang of emotions
And the universe starts to expand like the ocean
Beyond my face
Up to my soul
And it's just too much
For me to go against the flow
My soul start to hurt
It bend at first
Then hunt me telling me what's fake
Stretching but it never breaks
It's just this endless feeling
Like I'm about to break at any moment
But I never do
And I'm beginning to wonder
Am I too strong or it is just a curse?
101 · Oct 2019
The worst day of my life
Callamasttia Oct 2019
How bad a day must be
To make me laugh of disbelief?
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