Water through my hands,
wind through my hair.

The resource I lacked the most,
and now I have time
coming at me in bulk
But the amount of free time drowns me.

Then next the realization,
isn't the amount of time I have that matters
its what I make out of it

I just spiral
all the possibilities;
I could write a book,
I could finish reading those,
I could beat up a game,
I could learn a new language.

And the more I spiral with the possibilities
time rushes right pass me
till I have no time left

And I just keep tightening the spiral
Spiraling down

I wait for it to go away, magically.

...I wait
             ......I wait
                          ..........I wait

I pretende these little thoughts aren't here
If I ignore enough it's gonna disappear
...Magically...
But it never does.

- where's tinker bell when I need her?

I am
The lighthouse
and the storm
altogether

- I worry for the ship that goes by

My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I'm starting the same stages over and over
I wish my character was fast
The timer is almost over, I havent beat my old best
I feel like I have the wrongs skills equipped
My inventory is useless and I've failed six times on the thing I should have flipped
I'm so tired of re-doing it
I'm losing on dumb mistakes
I'm so sick of getting beat
I wonder what victory tastes
My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I wish
I just wish
I wish I knew best

-Thou, I'm glad to know there's people enjoying playing with my life

I hate this feeling
Of wanting to screaming a thousand words
But I remain speechless

I hate this feeling
Wanting to cry all night
But my face stay still like ice

I hate this feeling
The need to talk to someone
But not trusting on anyone

I hate this feeling
The need to push everyone that might care away
I know it's not my fault but I can't look them  face to face

I hate
And I hate hating.

And I got lost:

Of words.
Of me.

Not another tear
Not for it

I hate
To feel hate
But how can I feel something else
When all I'm given is hate?

How can I paint the canvas green
When I only have the red?

- I used to be watercolor

If I'm being honest
I wasn't really looking
But can I have your number ?
I dont quite get
Are you flirting with me?
How did we get there?
I know you
But I don't
I didn't see the birth of this flame
I never even known your actual name
But now the thoughts of you are coming down like thunder
So ocean eyes girl, can I have your number?

-I kinda wish you weren't one of my bosses daughter

We all sleep
We all sleep
And by our skins goes the breeze
Yeah we all sleep
We're clever, aren't we?

The stars are too fondly
Oh, way too fondly for me
These stars are making me feel
These, can I keep?

In the deep
Way into the deep
It's all about to want
Not about to be

We all sleep
We all sleep
Not really thinking how to
But how to skip
And oh we all sleep
When I'm not awake I can't remember what I did

- When I'm asleep time goes by faster, closer and closer I get (to the final stop)

I can't identify where the pain comes from
If it's from frustration
or anger
If it's the effect of being worn

I can't tell why I cry so much
May be paying for all the years
Where not a tear would run

I thought I could do so much better
That I could be much more
Perhaps thought I was clever
Perhaps thought I could open the door

Now I'm hurt
I'm angry
I knew I would end up
Here eventually

Nor the dusk ease me
Much less the dawn
Constantly empty
It's scary to think about

You refuse to look inward
And ask the big questions.
You refuse to open your mind
To a few new perceptions.
How do you want the answer
If you don't do the sessions?
I hope you find what you want,
But life doesn't make exceptions.

I read things today
That I feel but wouldn't know how to say
I read words way back wrote
From long time dead folks
I think
Of how much I wish I knew you
How can I miss
Someone who lived decades before me?

She's Hell
All dressed up in Heaven

You're a still Ocean
All dressep up in Sucker

I know
You married someone else
But I really
Really
Need to hear your voice right now

- the sound of your voice overcome the ones in my head

Where to go?
Where?
Is it even worth?
I don't know

Broken feeling
Broken glass
Why together
We're just a mess

I know
            Know
                       Know

But do I?
Thoughts pounding
I'm not minding
I'm used to this beat

So confused
But calm at most
Another confusion;
Is just another one

I don't want you anymore
But I need you closed
If it's no you
Maybe it won't be anyone

I can't bear that
I can't bear the lone
But you are here and
It's just as you're gone

So I'm thinking
And my brain already decided
But I'm feeling, and feeling
It's not arbitrarily

They say when a cloud aren't so high in the sky
you can see it moving.
When they are high, though
don't show movement at all.
Sometimes I think when people are so high
they are like clouds, they don't show anything at all.
They're so distant for that.
So high.
So far.
So untouchable.
In times like these, I'm sure;
I don't wanna be a high cloud.

-I'm a cloud. I'm already high enough.

You say
You're not playing
You say
You do care
I ask
If this is real
You say "it is"
You say
You say
You go on and on about it
Then you disappear
Ghosting
For so long
And then you come back
"Dont overreact,
I was just busy
I have a live as well"
Make me feel dumb
For feeling insecure
You say
You say
You talk me out of my senses
So well
That I forget
That words
And actions
Are a world apart

- how I feel it's not open for changes

Imaginary talks
Going around in a spiral
Getting further, but never quite there
I have answers for every question
You have never asked

Imaginary talks
Even when they were real
They were still imaginary
Because the words I longed for
Never left your mouth

Imaginary talks
Because I'm blocked
I keep sending everything to your DMs
In case you see it
But I know you won't

Imaginary talks
Of us today in bed, playing games
While outside, the rain reigns
We loved these kinds of days
But it will never be the same

Imaginary talks
Of what you're saying to her
Now you've replaced me
You're doing so well, doesn't it hurt?

My love's running cold
And I don't think it will ever warm up again
Do I want it to warm up again?

My life's running warm as never
Who took off the fold?
Why did I start living so old?

Is it comfort that binds me?
Why can't I embrace change,
Despite knowing the answer,
And persisting in the same?

Locked up inside a lock that's locked
How to free myself from me
How to become
Something I'm not

Or am I?
Who is "me"?
So many things coming together
And since last week
And I'm no longer twenty three

I desire your wheat hair close to me
Enough to smell the sweet of your skin
I wish for your spreading smile
Beginning from that mischievous smirk
But when it starts to become reality
I shy away
Everytime you're too close
Everytime you take a bold move too far
I imagine all the time
how it's gonna be when I touch you
and all the changes that I get
I shy away

- Maybe I'm only brave in my head

The waves are coming for me again
On my little island where I walk around
Pretending I don't see the waves crashing down

But the waves did raise this night
It overcome the little island that kept me on my feet
I have no land to stand over for tonight

I'm just drowning
And every time that I catch a breath
Another wave hit me under
Is a wave
After another

And tonight I'll sink

Till the morning where the sea goes down
And I'll find my footing again
But first I have to endure the water in my lungs

- I was never a good swimmer

Go on, go on
Use your difficult words
No, no
What a absurd!
Nah, of course I don't mind!
Go ahead
Steal what is mine
Don't bother
Take away what I've done
Pretend is yours,
Go on and tell everyone
Do you feel amazing?
Does it feels good?
Being credit for someone's else work
And saying it was you?

I miss who I was with you
Now I'm just someone I don't want around

- I wonder who you are now

Somethings are unfixable
You just have to learn
How to live with it broken

- the family I was given

Yesterday
I thought I wanted to die
Today
I'm sure

-Such a obvious way to go

I've met some broken people
Broken in the same way I am
I didn't seek this out
I'm not good at "friends"

But I've met some broken people
Who saw the stitches right where they are
Didn't ask many questions about it
They asked not about my problems, but about me

I've met some broken people
Who made me feel less lonely in my hurt
I'm not special, not the only one
But when I'm cared about
I feel like even a dead star can glow

Some broken people met me
And I didn't make them feel bad about their past
Nor find meanness in their darkness
Because we're broken, our empathy lasts

Four broken people
Coming together to heal a little bit
An afternoon watching movies and playing games
Finding that broken people make my world a better fit

We're lying to ourselves again,
lying and lying.
We could never fix what we broke
or get another one.

I wish things were like this,
easy to fix,
easy to bring
back to what it was before,
in the first two or three months.

But life isn't like that,
and even though I don't think it's fair,
that's how it is.
So let's keep going
and keep it a secret.

We're broken, broken,
and it just gets deeper,
longing and crying,
forever weeper.

Death it's a pool
Made out of every single thought
That kills me a bit more everytime
It spawns in my mind
And they keep spiraling down
In a wave of thoughts too hard to think
And in the end I just want to

Throw up my arms in surrender
Throw up my phone across the room
Throw up all the alcohol I took in to get home faster
Throw my head against the wall so the thoughts

Stop

Off all the things I said
"I will do it no more "
At the top of the list is
"Do not beg for love"

- don't be upset, I'm just following rules that have been preset

My ego is a fish
Swimming around its fish bowl

Stupid little fish
Can't settle with the pace flow

Stupid little fish
Thinking it's out in open sea

Getting offedend with that and this
While trying to take over me

Stupid little fish
Running after my control
However you remain far

Coming at me with all you got
But you're just a fish
Pretending to be a shark

When it was just you and me against the world

When it's all done
They gonna say they did care
They don't understand
They didn't see it coming
They could never knew what was going on
Oh
But how could you?
When you're always floating around
But never close enough to help

- my head, a wall and my forehead crying blood.

I love you, though we're out of sync.
I love you, despite the pain I drink.
I love you, even though we've broken up.
I love you, do you love me, sir?

We're not made for each other,
But I wish we were.
I want you back,
But I'm so tired of breaking and getting on.

I've seen you after nearly a month,
I didn't know I'd miss you this much.
But I do,
I miss you all the way up.
I miss you,
Do you miss me at all?

Words whirl
In chaotic flight
Left and right
A pandemonium of linguistic might

Words engage
In a battle on rage
To see who will make it to the page

When did it get so hard to put them out?
When did I stop writing down?
When did the fire burn out?

Amidst the guts and smashed brain, I know
I cannot weave words I don't truly believe
I only pen what my mind's conceived

I halted my writing, afraid to confront my thoughts
To preserve the mask I've carefully wrought
But I'm suffocating in me, I need the writing
And the ink dont cease calling me

Told myself I was too happy to write
And art can't come out of good things
How can this be happiness
With my mind flooding with words like this ?
Why deceive myself?
Why stifle happiness?
When the situation I'm in
Is just enough to forget the pain
Not to let it go away

I just turned twenty
Somehow I still feel like twelve
I don't feel prepared to be an adult
But it never mattered how I felt

- I should have believed when they said time fly

I don't know why
But when the sun goes down
I go down alongside it

- perhaps I'm a sunflower

I'm tired
I mean physically
And mentally as well

I'm tired
I can't see things clearly
It doesn't help much your "I wish you well"

I'm tired
But somehow when I lay I can't sleep
I know life isn't fair to you
It also isn't fair to me

I'm tired
I don't know how to slow down
Doing a thousand things altogether
Wanting to rest my mind
But I have never learned how

I like reading old poems
It remind me of who I was
I think about the situation of them
How funny they came to me into a blur
I always thought
"There is no way it can get worse"
But oh, little child
It hadn't even began

I'm lost at sea,
in the darkest night.
I know everyone is in the same situation
but at least the others have one or two lights,
at least everyone else have some sort of guide.
I'm by me,
                     myself,
                                     and I.
Above me only black sky,
ahead of me just a black faded horizon line.
There's no light to guide me.
There's no torch to comfort this.
There's not a single star to look down.
I remember all the people who promised that same void vow
and still,
I'm lost at sea and there's no lighthouse.

-if I'm already in the deepest dark, why not trade the waters for the sky?

Big tears,
for a small, small girl.
Dripping and dropping down
soaking my shirt.

Big tears,
the accumulation of the last few months
that I’ve succeeded in not thinking about—
until now.

And now, there are big tears,
crashing heavily against my chin.
Sliding past my shirt,
encountering my knee.

Tears don’t hurt,
but my ego does,
for letting them out.
The most excruciating months of my life—
and I survived, somehow.

And for the first time I truly wanted
to come out alive and breathe out.
And for the first time
it was hard to keep that vow.

When I wanted to die,
It didn't hurt this bad.
When I wanted to die,
I ate to numb the anxiety,
and then the double of that.

Now I don’t want to die,
but you sure tried to make it so.
And I couldn’t eat
for a week, maybe more.

I’ve spent my life trying to lose twenty pounds—
"About over six months I guess, I'm not so sure".
And in one week
I've lost so much more.

I’ve never felt like this—
like just a corpse.
No reason,
no will,
thinking, “I want to live. I want to move on.”
But there was no beat,
no pulse—
just tears,
because you were gone.
But why?
Why, when you were gone,
suddenly so was I?

And now I’m left with beer,
and such big tears.
They don’t hurt,
but it sure makes hard to breathe.

I wanted to get over you for so long
That now that I am
It doesn't feel like an accomplishment at all

- what about now?

I take a long bath
I convince myself the feeling won't last
I wait for the water to heal
My eyes get red, they know the drill
I wash my cheeks
It's been weeks
I drown my head
Thought I could bear
I let it down my back
Next hours I'll be numb on bed
I try to wash it away
But I dont think I can

-will I forever feel this *****?

I don't know why
But when the sun goes down
I go down alongside it

- I close my eyes and see sunflowers in the dark.

I feel so small
Standing against it all
I can't tell the length of these walls
But at least when I'm so small
I don't need to fear the fall

-Against all these cons I gotta look for a pro

Ashamed, ashamed—
Like I’m eight but I’m twenty-four.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Like the kid I was before.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Is this what you raised me for?
Ashamed once more.

You make me a little kid,
Just because you think you can.
I’ll always be that child,
That you torture again and again.
Make another joke,
Scream a bit louder,
Say how my brother always makes you prouder.

The same old words,
You’ve said them before—
You make me feel eight at twenty-four.
Say his name, his joy, his love,
Belittle me in front of those I adore.
Push me to the edge one step more,
Maybe I won’t make it to twenty-five,
When you make me feel eight at twenty-four.

And I'll **** him tonight
Not because I want to
But because I like to make what he likes
And me, who always loved an empty canvas
Felt my heart sink when I realized
That I mold and shift for those I love,
And it’s not so fun when the blank canvas is I.