My pyjama doesn't fit me loose anymore
And my favorite cartoon seems so silly
I never want to go outdoors
My room are my safe place lately
And I don't remember when I stopped to like that TV show
I wanted to be those girls when I got older
But they seem so empty now,
So boring now.
I never really wanted to grow up, just to people treat me like one.
When did I grow up?
Back there I would always be loud,
Now I'm always shut
When did I grow up?
Promised myself I'd never change
But the old me became dust.

- Always had a plenty of ideas of what I would become when I grew old, now I get none.

I'm proud of my blood,
proud of my hair.
I'm proud of the culture
and the flag at my back.

She was my sun
My all
My fun
And my fall

I guess is a spell
What a face
I am not well
Such a phase

She was my all
She was my best
She was my mold
She was my nest

She was what home felt like
I needed her so much
But I've never confessed
Now
I'm just homeless

- Can we speak?

Every time I think I'm over you
You arise in my head out of the blue
Maybe you are the physical representation of a Phoenix
You live
You die
Then you're back alive

- I keep dying a little bit more everytime you're back in my life, the problem it's that I have only one of those

I wished to have
When I had

Realization came too late for old wishes

I can't identify where the pain comes from
If it's from frustration
or anger
If it's the effect of being worn

I can't tell why I cry so much
May be paying for all the years
Where not a tear would run

I thought I could do so much better
That I could be much more
Perhaps thought I was clever
Perhaps thought I could open the door

Now I'm hurt
I'm angry
I knew I would end up
Here eventually

Nor the dusk ease me
Much less the dawn
Constantly empty
It's scary to think about

I don't like changes
I need to change thou
But if I do, is on me to blame
When I'm the only one I have left and my trust on myself broke
How do I keep away pain?
Spent so much time convincing myself I was the right one
How to change without admitting I was wrong?
Cause I don't wanna be
I just wanted to be free
And admitting I need to change
That I need a new version of me
Will be the scariest thing I ever did

When the clock finish the circle
And the world goes into a blur
We will be nothing more
Than bad photos on someone's phone

I am
The lighthouse
and the storm
altogether

- I worry for the ship that goes by

Seven pm
And I'm slipping
Haven't closed my eyes since then
Now I'm sleepy

Every drown in slept
It's a different torture
My mind it's pranking me
I can hear the vultures

Nightmares
As if I'm there
Chill body
It never ends

Can't wake up
Can't run away
Is my mind corrupted?
Sometimes I think
I'm not the only one there

- is it late night or early morning?

The sky is still the sky
and the sea is still the sea,
all the civility we've lost
don't make an hell out of here.

The night unveils the cruelty masked
beneath the daylight's guise.
For humans, predictable as they are,
let their evils in darkness rise.
Because humans change so swiftly
and in the dark, the evil grows.
So before the cold claims its throne
and shadows start to bloom,
could you and I escape the night—
and live in a forever afternoon?

Far from the rot of sickened souls
where madness dares not climb.
The night never will come to us if I plead to the god of time
to freeze us in a sunlight glow, where hours never die—
In a forever afternoon, it will be just you and I.

I look at my reflection
And I don't recognize
Who's right in front of me
I start crying
Until my view it's blurry
And when I wipe my eyes
I see clearly
But the image
It is still blurry

- a stranger in my body

My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I'm starting the same stages over and over
I wish my character was fast
The timer is almost over, I havent beat my old best
I feel like I have the wrongs skills equipped
My inventory is useless and I've failed six times on the thing I should have flipped
I'm so tired of re-doing it
I'm losing on dumb mistakes
I'm so sick of getting beat
I wonder what victory tastes
My life is a game and I have no hearts left
I wish
I just wish
I wish I knew best

-Thou, I'm glad to know there's people enjoying playing with my life

I miss being made of flesh and blood
I don't know how much more I can fold
Once I knew I place to go
Where a Make-Believe girl could turn into a real one
I guess I lost the map
I guess I missed the ride
I should have never trusted that
I eventually would make it right

-Lately I'm just waiting for the rain to melt me away

We all sleep
We all sleep
And by our skins goes the breeze
Yeah we all sleep
We're clever, aren't we?

The stars are too fondly
Oh, way too fondly for me
These stars are making me feel
These, can I keep?

In the deep
Way into the deep
It's all about to want
Not about to be

We all sleep
We all sleep
Not really thinking how to
But how to skip
And oh we all sleep
When I'm not awake I can't remember what I did

- When I'm asleep time goes by faster, closer and closer I get (to the final stop)

You are not even drop that gorgeous
But the way you move
The way you dress
Each tattoo and platinum hair
You are such a stereotype of a stylish boy
But also like a little kid with that loosen smile full of joy

-You dress like a bad boy and acts like a stuffed toy

I hate this feeling
Of wanting to screaming a thousand words
But I remain speechless

I hate this feeling
Wanting to cry all night
But my face stay still like ice

I hate this feeling
The need to talk to someone
But not trusting on anyone

I hate this feeling
The need to push everyone that might care away
I know it's not my fault but I can't look them  face to face

I hate
And I hate hating.

How can one person become another one
I swear you don't even have the same tone
I look into your eyes and it's all gone
You float
Away
You ran
Away
You spaced
Away
You were my home
How do I find the path to a place long gone?

-I miss, not sure of which part

She's Hell
All dressed up in Heaven

You're a still Ocean
All dressep up in Sucker

I hate
To feel hate
But how can I feel something else
When all I'm given is hate?

How can I paint the canvas green
When I only have the red?

- I used to be watercolor

I want to take my shot
But how could I
When I don't even know
Where the bullets at?

- I don't even know from where to start

I think
So I can write
But lately
I been thinking so much
I can't sketch a line

- Avalanche of thoughts spiraling down

They say when a cloud aren't so high in the sky
you can see it moving.
When they are high, though
don't show movement at all.
Sometimes I think when people are so high
they are like clouds, they don't show anything at all.
They're so distant for that.
So high.
So far.
So untouchable.
In times like these, I'm sure;
I don't wanna be a high cloud.

-I'm a cloud. I'm already high enough.

And I got lost:

Of words.
Of me.

I read things today
That I feel but wouldn't know how to say
I read words way back wrote
From long time dead folks
I think
Of how much I wish I knew you
How can I miss
Someone who lived decades before me?

Not another tear
Not for it

Water through my hands,
wind through my hair.

The resource I lacked the most,
and now I have time
coming at me in bulk
But the amount of free time drowns me.

Then next the realization,
isn't the amount of time I have that matters
its what I make out of it

I just spiral
all the possibilities;
I could write a book,
I could finish reading those,
I could beat up a game,
I could learn a new language.

And the more I spiral with the possibilities
time rushes right pass me
till I have no time left

And I just keep tightening the spiral
Spiraling down

Off all the things I said
"I will do it no more "
At the top of the list is
"Do not beg for love"

- don't be upset, I'm just following rules that have been preset

Death it's a pool
Made out of every single thought
That kills me a bit more everytime
It spawns in my mind
And they keep spiraling down
In a wave of thoughts too hard to think
And in the end I just want to

Throw up my arms in surrender
Throw up my phone across the room
Throw up all the alcohol I took in to get home faster
Throw my head against the wall so the thoughts

Stop

When it's all done
They gonna say they did care
They don't understand
They didn't see it coming
They could never knew what was going on
Oh
But how could you?
When you're always floating around
But never close enough to help

- my head, a wall and my forehead crying blood.

I miss who I was with you
Now I'm just someone I don't want around

- I wonder who you are now

Yesterday
I thought I wanted to die
Today
I'm sure

-Such a obvious way to go

My ego is a fish
Swimming around its fish bowl

Stupid little fish
Can't settle with the pace flow

Stupid little fish
Thinking it's out in open sea

Getting offedend with that and this
While trying to take over me

Stupid little fish
Running after my control
However you remain far

Coming at me with all you got
But you're just a fish
Pretending to be a shark

I'm lost at sea,
in the darkest night.
I know everyone is in the same situation
but at least the others have one or two lights,
at least everyone else have some sort of guide.
I'm by me,
                     myself,
                                     and I.
Above me only black sky,
ahead of me just a black faded horizon line.
There's no light to guide me.
There's no torch to comfort this.
There's not a single star to look down.
I remember all the people who promised that same void vow
and still,
I'm lost at sea and there's no lighthouse.

-if I'm already in the deepest dark, why not trade the waters for the sky?

But what can I do if I miss him?
What can I do if I love him?
What can I do,
When I can’t do anything?
Tell me a word,
Tell me anything,
I can take it—
The pain of you afar
Is greater than the pain of you here.
What can I do?
What can I do,
When I can’t do anything?

There’s always something to do,
Even when the doors are closed.
So tell me, what can I do,
Because I can’t keep going without breathing anymore.
You’re the one who gave me life,
I want you,
I want you,
What can I do?

Go on, go on
Use your difficult words
No, no
What a absurd!
Nah, of course I don't mind!
Go ahead
Steal what is mine
Don't bother
Take away what I've done
Pretend is yours,
Go on and tell everyone
Do you feel amazing?
Does it feels good?
Being credit for someone's else work
And saying it was you?

I desire your wheat hair close to me
Enough to smell the sweet of your skin
I wish for your spreading smile
Beginning from that mischievous smirk
But when it starts to become reality
I shy away
Everytime you're too close
Everytime you take a bold move too far
I imagine all the time
how it's gonna be when I touch you
and all the changes that I get
I shy away

- Maybe I'm only brave in my head

You don’t love me—you just need me near,
A fleeting comfort when the night draws near.
I've let you lie to me, so why wouldn't it be my fault?
I know you don't love me when the night falls

I know
You married someone else
But I really
Really
Need to hear your voice right now

- the sound of your voice overcome the ones in my head

Somethings are unfixable
You just have to learn
How to live with it broken

- the family I was given

I just turned twenty
Somehow I still feel like twelve
I don't feel prepared to be an adult
But it never mattered how I felt

- I should have believed when they said time fly

It doesn’t matter—your color, religion, or name,
Yet humans divide, we are hard to tame.
We try so hard to stand apart,
But in the end, it’s just a part—
Copies of copies, again and again,
And when the day is done, we’re all the same.

You say
You're not playing
You say
You do care
I ask
If this is real
You say "it is"
You say
You say
You go on and on about it
Then you disappear
Ghosting
For so long
And then you come back
"Dont overreact,
I was just busy
I have a live as well"
Make me feel dumb
For feeling insecure
You say
You say
You talk me out of my senses
So well
That I forget
That words
And actions
Are a world apart

- how I feel it's not open for changes

I like reading old poems
It remind me of who I was
I think about the situation of them
How funny they came to me into a blur
I always thought
"There is no way it can get worse"
But oh, little child
It hadn't even began

I'm tired
I mean physically
And mentally as well

I'm tired
I can't see things clearly
It doesn't help much your "I wish you well"

I'm tired
But somehow when I lay I can't sleep
I know life isn't fair to you
It also isn't fair to me

I'm tired
I don't know how to slow down
Doing a thousand things altogether
Wanting to rest my mind
But I have never learned how

My side of the bed,
My space in the closet—
Did you throw it all away?
Every gift, every trace of me,
Like love was something you could erase.

Did you do it to forget,
Or just to make space for her?
My scent, my touch, my shadow—
Washed away like I was dirt.

Tell me, was it for you,
Or was it for her?

I wanted to get over you for so long
That now that I am
It doesn't feel like an accomplishment at all

- what about now?

When it was just you and me against the world

The waves are coming for me again
On my little island where I walk around
Pretending I don't see the waves crashing down

But the waves did raise this night
It overcome the little island that kept me on my feet
I have no land to stand over for tonight

I'm just drowning
And every time that I catch a breath
Another wave hit me under
Is a wave
After another

And tonight I'll sink

Till the morning where the sea goes down
And I'll find my footing again
But first I have to endure the water in my lungs

- I was never a good swimmer