There's sugar on my fingertips
There's drops on my cheeks

Wet grass smell. There's nothing more earthy about earth. I miss the raw world. Not the grind "to make it". Earth. Wind. Rain. I miss the animal part of ourselves. I miss the humanity in the human.

I used to listen to old school rock
I used to say "I will never"
I used to think youth beat the life clock
And life would never get better
Now I think differently
And it scares me that I'm only months away to get out of my teens
I thought I would never call someone "lovely"
But things does change, it seems

-I still skeptical if change it's a good thing, thou.

I never liked my name
And they say everyone's the same
But you came along and
I just couldn't believe it then
The way you say it
The way you pronounce it
The way you change the pace of it
When I was a child I always dreamed with the day I would be able to change it
Now my stomach goes crazy when your mouth has my name in it

Time
The resource we can't save for later
The tick of the clock cutting through as a razor

And all I can think about
Is how I'm wasting it

I work
I sleep
I buy
I work
I sleep
I get older

So much time
But so little

Shouldn't I be traveling by now?
Have a degree by now?
Be happier by now?

If I spend, I think it's a waste
If I save it, I think it's a waste

Why does it always feels like a waste?

Don’t get too ambitious,
This path can trap you fast.
"Icarus burned down,"
And I can feel the flames cast.

I'm staring at the same sky again
I thought it wouldn't be the same
The air is cutting through my cheeks
The stars laughing down on me

Another year
Same story
Press repeat
Kinda boring

I'm staring at the same sky again
I thought I would be with you then
Hot summer night
I'm don't even feel sad but stoic I cry

I thought I was free-falling for you,
It turns out I'm paying for every second of it


- Yet you never mentioned your price

Sometimes I'm in such a need of love
That I'll take even the much
That just ain't enough

-I never can tell when I'm accepting less than I deserve.

Once again I see waves on the pathway
Out of heat burning down on us
Times like these give me certain
If I were Icarus
The sun wouldn't melt my wings
Instead it would fall apart
Out of ocean humidity based on low flight
And I would die happy on the embracing cold waters
Out of the sun's hands

Go on, darling
Awkwardly smile to all those people you don't care
Be a bit far away trying not to stare
It's not like you hate them
It's not like you love them either
These family's nights
Always make me idle

- I'm gonna eat it all up, the food and your jokes

I want to cry my eyes out
Till I see they're melting on the floor
Empty canvas on my face
Where they were before

I wanna rip my heart out
Just up my throat
Cut it open and spread it
To see where it's sore

I want to find the miracle cure
Search upon all the earth
Find out what's hurting my soul
Take the bad off my core

If I'm not to find the antidote
Wherever it might be
I'll take the poising out of my bag
And this will be the last full moon I see

- Anything that will stop the hurting

I avoid to write
And I swallow my tears
I push down my sadness
As it would just disappear

I don't want the feeling to take over
Because I know what comes next
Days and days of bitterness
And mood changing so fast

I annoy myself when I'm like this
I don't even know the reason
How can I miss something
That I don't even know?

- why am I like this?

I've let go of my words
Because you said my english wasn't good enough

I've let go of my points
Because you said I'm always pushing my point of view

I've let go of speaking up around you
Because my opinion it's always wrong

I've been sore by someone that can barely put up a phrase together

And still

I've let go of myself
Because you would never love someone like me

We were two damage floaters
Trying to manage to stay afloat leaning on each other

-we realized too late we were sinking faster together

Go on little soldier,
burn down all the things you don't understand.
Stay awake,
if you are sleepy you won't fear the things you have to face.
Don't even question little soldier,
all you are doing it's for the greater good, right?
Remember:
look away from the faces you are setting fire, you just have to care about God's eye.
Don't dream too much little soldier,
cause tomorrow there's another fight.
Don't bother making plans for when the war its over; you won't survive.

-I hope my tales will be sung after I die.

I'm not sleepy
I'm sad
And somehow it took me

A very,
               very
                           long time

to separate both things

Every now and then
My lungs morph into cement
It's so hard to breathe
And the tears run free
There are no sound out of my mouth
No cry for help to be found
Is a silent pain
A little death of soul
And my lungs are so heavy
I might just let it go

- the longest nights are the ones I can't breathe through

You were my sword
I don't even have the shield now

- how can one person be a duo?

I want a bullet through my skull
Right outta my head
Oh I wish I was dead
I wanna die
And it kills me to be alive

Beating and beating
till it bleeds
Oh, I just wish to disappear
Some days out of thin air
Others to let a scene of full bloodbath
But most days are the same
I wish I wasn't
But I suppose I am

You love me
But just when I'm away
You care
Just when I treat you the same

You love me but don't even understand
I love you but not enough to stay

You were such a dreamer
Loving the sky more than anything
You could go hours starring at the dark sky
Telling me about the stars
What they mean
Where they tell us to go
But I never remember what you taught me about it
Because I couldn't concentrate
You were so beautiful
I couldn't take my eyes off of you
Your warmth kept pulling me close
And seemed like you were a black hole
I was caught in your gravity camp
I wasn't able to pull myself away then

-I miss stargazing with you every nightfall

Seated on the couch,
TV blaring loud.
Nothing more than a hush,
And a corpse between us.

We carry it around,
We poke and make fun,
Pretending it's alive,
What's long gone.

We take showers and make meals,
Life never feels real.
We didn't even think about it at first,
But we're carrying a corpse between us.

Pretending it's alive,
Trying to complete the run.
Where does it take us?
When it's the corpse of our love?

Our love is dead and gone,
And we're trying to keep it alive.
But it doesn't have a pulse, breath, heat, or beat.
We're just carrying its corpse around,
Pretending it's not gone.

Why do I have lungs
If I can't breathe
Why it's dark
If I can't sleep
Why is there silence
If I'm so anxious
Why isn't right
When isn't wrong
These nights
Have me wide awake
Trying to learn
How much I can take
My mind it's pounding
Words, flashes and sounds
I wish I could stop
But I don't know how

Go ahead, wise one
Keep on treating me like a child
Go ahead, wise one
Like you're a special being who's get it right
Go ahead, perfect being
Who's never feared anything
Go ahead, perfect being
Putting words in my mouth like you know everything
Go ahead
Keep treating me like I'm less than you
But please, don't come crying when I give it all back like you do

- A calm ocean still can drown you

She was an angel or was she the devil?
I try to beat your game but there are so many levels
Just wish that I could had helped
But it's hard when you don't know what you want yourself

- maybe you were the problem and the solution all at once

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
I don't want to die; I just want to escape.
About to fly off, but there’s no hero's cape.

Standing at the edge of this landscape,
Last month, I thought it wasn't too late
To take a jump into the air as if it were a lake.
But now I see clearly, and there's no way.

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
It took me too long to realize that life doesn't negotiate.
It just sets its price, then comes and takes.

I was standing at the edge of this landscape
A few seconds ago, but now I'm falling while my lungs deflate.

Thought that I could change,
Somehow the hope was fake.
I knew I was never good at setting a pace.

At least for the first time, I don't hold hate
Of all that could be, this is the best place
To put my shoes aside and set my grave.

When my body becomes part of this landscape.

"I've never experienced grief,"
I pondered for quite some time.
But in this pool of stagnation, I grieve each day,
An eternal punishment, as Sisyphus and his climb.

I grieve the life I dreamt of as a child,
To silence the screams at dinner.

I grieve the future we planned out
Before I saw you leaving.

I grieve golden hours in my living room,
With a book in hand and tea on the table,
In a house I never managed to buy.

I grieve my friends,
Who now reside in a distant dream future,
Where our worlds no longer collide.

I grieve my dream job,
Fulfilling work and festive nights,
Mornings being applauded for being a mastermind.

And most of all, I grieve,
Our future together,
Which I've dreamed of for years,
A house, plants, games, cats,
Dancing in the living room,
Purchasing new chairs,
Our cooking sessions at three a.m,
Knowing I'm loved for what I am.

Paper dreams,
Imaginary plans,
Tired smiles,
Our hidden dance.

I know I can get repetitive
So pardon me if I do
After all , what is grief
If not spiraling thoughs in a loop

My goals, plans so grand,
Smiles we shared, happiness at our hand,
Now are shattered, buried in the sand,
My is future lost and for that,
I grieve again.

If not even the person that is supposed to love me,
Loves me
How am I supposed to feel loved?

Never told me no
Never told me yes
I always had to take a guess
How can you pretend
That you are not trying to avoid the end?

-You don't have to let me down slowly

In the shadows of fading light,
I find myself crumbling inside.
Thoughts once clear now in disarray,
Lost in a puzzle I couldn't portray.
But at least it is official now
My heart been tore down
For a boy and a girl
Five years for her
           to get tired of me
Two years for him
           to get tired of me
As the years pass, I become harder to endure,
That's the only thing I know for sure.

- I never thought I would had my heart tore apart that way again.

Not all men,
Don't paint them with the same brush.
There are good fellas out there,
They're just hidden in the hush.

Not all men,
Don't be harsh and snap.
You're hurting their feelings,
By saying that.

Not all men
Just all your male classmates,
With different ages, incomes and background.
You think they're all the same cloth, but they're just clout
Real men are out there; you just have to be alert to find out

Not all men
Well, maybe your work colleagues
But just because they get carried in their jokes
Doesn't mean the nice guys have to pay for it

Not all men
Just your brother, cousins and uncles
Are the perfect stereotype of what they claim not to be
Maybe you just have to open your heart and see what they want you to see

Not all men
Remember that nice guy you met?
He was so charming and polite
So what that with his group friends he's the first to make a  offensive little Joke and get everybody to crack ?

Not all men
What about you lovely lover?
He doesn't want to be with you when it gets too hard
But he's so nice, isn't he? You should be more grateful for the lad!

Not all men
Didn't you have a dad?
He screamed and horrorofied you
Just thinking about your own good so
Why do you treat him so bad?

Not all men
Your classmate is so smart!
He can talk about books and life
Is it such a big deal he told you these words
As a heartfelt friend advice?

Not all men
You're just too boring!
Can't take a ******* joke
And then think they're all terrible

So what if he's married and has a baby girl
Yet still watching **** in class and talk about
Getting underage girls?

So what if he has a younger sister
And talk with our classmates about
Wich one he's going to let be the lucky guy
That will make it in their house to take her at night?

Not all men
Stop being dramatic!
Boys will be boys
What's the catastrophe?

Not all men,
You just have to find the right one,
Who will tell you that boys are just like that,
And aren't intending to harm anyone.

He doesn't even think about how my heart sinks
When I talk about all these things
And I get back that I'm such a drama queen
Bacause that's just how people are
A laught doesn't turn them mean

Not all men
But how am I gonna trust a men
That joke at every woman they know
And act defenseless when the misogyny it's shown

Not all men,
I guess I want to believe it,
And that's why my heart aches so much,
Because always when I think I've found the right one,
The right friend, the right love

All men,
Not leaving one out at all,
Have proven me wrong so far,
And it hurts deeply,
Because I want to believe  it.
Not all men,
But all I've met so far.

Just like tree arms
The maybes
And the perhaps
Unfold in front of me
Some say you gotta make your way through the branches
Some say you gotta let it be
I see so many paths to be followed from here
My only certain its that there is so much left to see
Just like tree arms
Some might hurt me
But still, take me high
They may left me sore
Thou, the view will be a unique sigh

.
   .
      .
         .  
             .




- I'm so numb it's like I could be absorbed into my mattress

One day
I'll build an empire
I don't know what it will be made of
But I hope it doesn't end on fire

I miss being in love

I look my reflection
And I don't recognize
Who's right in front of me
And I start crying
Until my view it's blurry
I clean my eyes
Till I see clearly
But the image
It's still blurry

- a stranger in my body

The worst part of feeling this way
Isn't the lack of breathing
Much less the overcoming pain
It isn't the overworking
Without any kind of pay
The worst
The highlight of this
Its not being able to know why I'm feeling it
I dont know what I miss
I dont know who I wanna be
I dont know where I wanna get
Or how achieve that

I know I shouldn't feel like this
But knowing I shouldn't feel like this
And not feeling it
Are two edges
So        far        
                        from     each
                                                      other

How nice of you to give me the Burn Heal
After being the one who's thrown me into the fire

- Are you feeling better about yourself now?

It is still you.

When I was around ten
I had the world on my hands
The honorable Color Keeper
Swimming in blue since I was little
Finding my way with art as my riddle
I used to draw my woes away
Painting till' the night got murdered by the day
Blue was my ego
Yellow my anxiety
Red the love I couldn't let go
Purple my fatalities

Blending the colors
Into the most beautiful colorfight
Trying to make the design so perfect
People ought to think it's glorified
I miss the green
The orange too
I miss seeing all the colors I used to
The problem is, there aren't any other colors
When I'm drown in blue

I can't wait to make
The same mistakes all over again.

- I just wish the mistake choose to stay this time.

What's there to celebrate?
Wow, really is it the end of the decade?
Very cool, yeah, great
You will still going to the same job on monday
You still having the same flaws like before
And the lock won't be undone on the doors
Chill out, my dude
We still haven't paid ours dues
It may be new years
But nothing it's really new

You built me up as smart
Now you calling me a fool
You make fun
You make the promises a blur
Maybe I am dumb for letting it sinks
That I am so smart and unique

You stocked yours words in my mind
You didn't let me even think
Now I'm here
Getting the waves standing in my feet
I should never fell for your words
All you did was pull me backwards

-I hate it when I feel dumb

You didn't want to **** me
So you left me half dead
Now I bleed slowly
Wishing you had cold blooded ****** me

- It wasn't kindness, it was fear.

Do you get me,
If I say life is a little too weird
And despite the good things that happens
I'm not even near what I can call happy

Do you get me?
When I say I still failing
Even if I just show the best scores
I'm still a bit lost
and kinda sore

Do you get me
If I tell you that the people I trust most
Don't get it
Not all, not even a little

So I started guessing
That if not even who cares for me understand
Is someone out there that gets it ?

My thoughts
Beat
Beat
Beat
Against my skull

I think
Re-think
Re-think
Re-think
It's what I always do