I think
So I can write
But lately
I been thinking so much
I can't sketch a line

- Avalanche of thoughts spiraling down

I know
You married someone else
But I really
Really
Need to hear your voice right now

- the sound of your voice overcome the ones in my head

Even having a good time
Its a bad time
lately

- Why can't  I just enjoy?

I always think
I won't be able to write
Another line as good
As the last time

The ink resembles
Arthur's sword
And I can't pick it up
For months
Because I know
Whatever I write
Won't be good enough
To get close of what
I once wrote

When I finally do
Push up the sword
It's surprising how the hilt
Suits perfectly my hands

Trying to reach
The unreachable

Wanting to learn
As if I had eternal years

Wanting to read
Every single line that was ever written

All these side quest obligations
Seems so foolish when you put it
Side to side
Of how much there's to absorve in this world

And at 3am it hits me

I want to learn it all
I want to see it all
I wanna write
I wanna read
I wanna draw
I wanna be
I wanna see
I wanna learn
There's so much in this world
And I want it all

- next morning the flame it's gone (until the next 3am insomnia)

Seven pm
And I'm slipping
Haven't closed my eyes since then
Now I'm sleepy

Every drown in slept
It's a different torture
My mind it's pranking me
I can hear the vultures

Nightmares
As if I'm there
Chill body
It never ends

Can't wake up
Can't run away
Is my mind corrupted?
Sometimes I think
I'm not the only one there

- is it late night or early morning?

And I got lost:

Of words.
Of me.

They said:
"You'll find your way"
But
There's irony in every step

- it's brutal out here

I don't like hot days
Neither beach party's
Even less heat and sweat

But it's been so long
Since the last time sun kissed me
I even enjoy the feeling
Of melting wings

- Icarus, I do understand you a bit more today

She's a living corpse walking around
Every time I scroll the screen down
I grief a little bit more
The person that's long gone

- you have the face, but you're not her anymore

I often get lost in your words
Even when I understand what you saying

- drowning in your thoughts

I wanted to get over you for so long
That now that I am
It doesn't feel like an accomplishment at all

- what about now?

The waves are coming for me again
On my little island where I walk around
Pretending I don't see the waves crashing down

But the waves did raise this night
It overcome the little island that kept me on my feet
I have no land to stand over for tonight

I'm just drowning
And every time that I catch a breath
Another wave hit me under
Is a wave
After another

And tonight I'll sink

Till the morning where the sea goes down
And I'll find my footing again
But first I have to endure the water in my lungs

- I was never a good swimmer

Time
The resource we can't save for later
The tick of the clock cutting through as a razor

And all I can think about
Is how I'm wasting it

I work
I sleep
I buy
I work
I sleep
I get older

So much time
But so little

Shouldn't I be traveling by now?
Have a degree by now?
Be happier by now?

If I spend, I think it's a waste
If I save it, I think it's a waste

Why does it always feels like a waste?

A poet out of me
The thing I thought to be
When nights like this decide to creep
And take away the sleep

A poet out of me
The thing I thought to be
When my stubborn lungs
Decided not to breathe

A poet out of me
When my heart bleeds
And my throat dry
My hope take its flee
And my eyes cry

A poet out of me
When there's nothing left to be
Because I've been so many things
I can't distinguished anymore what's "me"

- the ink wash away the pain better than water

Every now and then
My lungs morph into cement
It's so hard to breathe
And the tears run free
There are no sound out of my mouth
No cry for help to be found
Is a silent pain
A little death of soul
And my lungs are so heavy
I might just let it go

- the longest nights are the ones I can't breathe through

They call it
"Funny feeling"
The weird thing is
It never got me laughing

Isn't it insane
How one word
Shorter than a second of sound
Straight out of your mouth
Could change my life
In a split of a moment ?

- one word it's all it takes

And I'm in that place again
Can't listen
Can't comprehend

I try to make sense
Out of a heavy chest
And wet eyes
But my thoughts are too dense

I can't build sentences
To form a proper line
When I need to pour out the most
I'm just incapable of write

- my ink doesn't work when it's blue

it's us against the world

It's not that
I don't care about you
It's only that
I care about me

- enough it's enough

Today was bad
But at least
It was the only
"Today"
I will ever had

- tomorrow might not be better, but it's another day

Sometimes my words flood the pages like the sea
And sometimes,
they are as softly as the fall of a leaf
Still, either way they come across in waves
No matter if it's a paragraph
Or a phrase

- all I have to say is enough

I want to cry my eyes out
Till I see they're melting on the floor
Empty canvas on my face
Where they were before

I wanna rip my heart out
Just up my throat
Cut it open and spread it
To see where it's sore

I want to find the miracle cure
Search upon all the earth
Find out what's hurting my soul
Take the bad off my core

If I'm not to find the antidote
Wherever it might be
I'll take the poising out of my bag
And this will be the last full moon I see

- Anything that will stop the hurting

I've felt so much
I don't think
I feel
Any
More

- Too dead to be alive

How dreamy if I could sleep
As easily as my thoughts drift to you

- You got me into the spiral of thinking of not thinking while I'm thinking about it

To live like a king
It's to die like one

- Name a king through all history that died honorable

I avoid to write
And I swallow my tears
I push down my sadness
As it would just disappear

I don't want the feeling to take over
Because I know what comes next
Days and days of bitterness
And mood changing so fast

I annoy myself when I'm like this
I don't even know the reason
How can I miss something
That I don't even know?

- why am I like this?

I look my reflection
And I don't recognize
Who's right in front of me
And I start crying
Until my view it's blurry
I clean my eyes
Till I see clearly
But the image
It's still blurry

- a stranger in my body

And everything I struggle to put in words
Someone else certainly did before
And yet it still so hard
To come in conclusion with that
Nothing is really new
But I guess is still valid if is new to - you -

I read to forget
But I never
Forget what I read

He's your golden boy
Right, dad ?
Doing all the things you want
And nothing above that
He's always around
But how wouldn't he be?
I would too
If I wasn't mistreated

Now you're there
With your golden boy
Telling everyone what a nice kid he is
Do you even remember I'm here?

I guess you are right
Because from where I stand
You two are just alike

I don't know if you just didn't want a daughter
Or if you thought you were raising me right back then
But how can you expect for me
To love you back
After all in the end?

- I'm not mature enough to forgive or forget

My thoughts
Beat
Beat
Beat
Against my skull

I think
Re-think
Re-think
Re-think
It's what I always do

I thought I was free-falling for you,
It turns out I'm paying for every second of it


- Yet you never mentioned your price

I'm so much
At the same time - so little
I do not comprehend who I was yesterday
I do not know certainly who I am today
And I can't tell if it's excitement or fear
for who I'll be tomorrow

All I know is uncertain
Thought I would stand my ground
For this or for that
But when the travel starts
I change my path
Who I am
And who I want to be
Doesn't seem to intertwined

I write down how I feel
I read it out
Trying to make out sense
Of whose stranger is on these lines

I want to be so many things
I pursue so many paths
I try to be all kind of people in one
And in the end that's the result
In the end - I am no one

Your hair is long again
As a black vasel
Running through my hand

Your eyes grew fiercely
Staring into mine with no hesitation
I wouldn't be surprised if they read me

Your smile is softer now
Learned a thing or two about empathy
Became a better you somehow

Does your hands still looking for mine?
Its not like I'm looking for a fight

I just need a answer
And I can't complete focus on you
When my mind is going to "we were"

Just tell me
I promise to pretend I don't mind
If you throw me a lie

Lie to me
So the lie I tell myself
Become a little more believable

- we could have built it all side by side...

It is still you.

Sun and wind
When I got to your location
We greeted
As past wasn't screaming
Coffee time
Small talk
How have you been?
Your hair is longer
And this is were we are
Table talk
We're older now
Not bedroom gossip
Table talk
How are your parents?
And about work?
Ignoring the real questions
We want to make so badly
Because real questions
Aren't suitable
For adults table talk

She feels like a blindfolded walk
That I keep going forward nevertheless

- Maybe she's the mermaid voice leading me towards drowning

I can't identify where the pain comes from
If it's from frustration
or anger
If it's the effect of being worn

I can't tell why I cry so much
May be paying for all the years
Where not a tear would run

I thought I could do so much better
That I could be much more
Perhaps thought I was clever
Perhaps thought I could open the door

Now I'm hurt
I'm angry
I knew I would end up
Here eventually

Nor the dusk ease me
Much less the dawn
Constantly empty
It's scary to think about

She was my sun
My all
My fun
And my fall

I guess is a spell
What a face
I am not well
Such a phase

She was my all
She was my best
She was my mold
She was my nest

She was what home felt like
I needed her so much
But I've never confessed
Now
I'm just homeless

- Can we speak?

In the end
it is me,
for me.
The problem is that I do not care for myself either.

- I don't know why I keep expecting someone else to save me from myself.

I am
The lighthouse
and the storm
altogether

- I worry for the ship that goes by

This is who I am: A forever work on progress

Not another tear
Not for it

I don't know why
But when the sun goes down
I go down alongside it

- perhaps I'm a sunflower

I
Falled
But you
Had a better sense of balance

- it goes on and on

You say
You're not playing
You say
You do care
I ask
If this is real
You say "it is"
You say
You say
You go on and on about it
Then you disappear
Ghosting
For so long
And then you come back
"Dont overreact,
I was just busy
I have a live as well"
Make me feel dumb
For feeling insecure
You say
You say
You talk me out of my senses
So well
That I forget
That words
And actions
Are a world apart

- how I feel it's not open for changes

I wait for it to go away, magically.

...I wait
             ......I wait
                          ..........I wait

I pretende these little thoughts aren't here
If I ignore enough it's gonna disappear
...Magically...
But it never does.

- where's tinker bell when I need her?

I read things today
That I feel but wouldn't know how to say
I read words way back wrote
From long time dead folks
I think
Of how much I wish I knew you
How can I miss
Someone who lived decades before me?