I look at my reflection
And I don't recognize
Who's right in front of me
I start crying
Until my view it's blurry
And when I wipe my eyes
I see clearly
But the image
It is still blurry

- a stranger in my body

You say "I was with you since you were nobody"
That's how I know you doesn't love me
I have always been somebody
I was always someone
The problem is
You loved the person I could become
Not the one I already was

- You don't even know what is love, my love.

I want to cry my eyes out
Till I see they're melting on the floor
Empty canvas on my face
Where they were before

I wanna rip my heart out
Just up my throat
Cut it open and spread it
To see where its sore

I want to find the miracle cure
Search through all the earth
Find out what's hurting my soul
Take the bad off my core

If I'm not to find the antidote
Wherever it might be
I'll take out the poising in my bag
And this will be the last full moon I see

There's a sea coming out of me
Crashing down its way on waves
It's salty
But so bitter
The way the water it's ablaze

Perhaps Poseidon decided
I cannot be happy
For my sins stained his waters

Maybe Hades still waiting for me
In our garden with Persephone
And Cerberus can smell the scent
Of my lies from miles away

A golden fruit
Just two feet apart from me
Its finally within my reach
But who am I to take it?
I don't deserve what it can bring

My little lion
So skinny and wounded
Still running after what can't be ours

My little lion
That by now I must start calling
My tiny kitten
Why you still gritting your teeth for?

Poseidon forbidden us from the river
For ours sins still staining his waters
No more salt from the seas either
Just the bitterness of two weeping creatures

My little lion
I know you can see it too
Hanging just above you
And not much far from me
At last within our reach
The golden fruit we've dreamt of so many times
We want to feel it in our hands
but we have no right

Dearest friend, I know it hurts in you
Because it hurts in me too
The golden ticket of happiness
But we've caused so much pain and hurt
That this happiness isn't deserved
Neither for me
Nor for you

Hades still waiting for you and me
In our garden, with Persephone
The shine of the golden it's brightening your eyes
And this is how I know I made right
By weakening this badly
For people like me and you
Wasn't made for happiness

- Luckily Tartarus is warm enough

I don't think
That "I love you"
Makes justice to what I feel
Doesn't matter how many times I say it
There's not a word
Not a sentence
That will put in words
This feeling I have in my stomach
When I lock eyes on you

I hate
To feel hate
But how can I feel something else
When all I'm given is hate?

How can I paint the canvas green
When I only have the red?

- I used to be watercolor

Somethings are unfixable
You just have to learn
How to live with it broken

- the family I was given

Once upon a time
I wanted to be a writer
I wrote and rewrote
All the things I had inside my mind
But it was never good enough

Then the colors got shattered
And red dripped from everywhere
I thought it was ironic
Words flood on the pages
After, and only after
I felt like there was nothing inside to give

- I got the writing and gave all else in exchange

Bound tight to the earth
For the couple last months
Didn't see when
My feets began to float
Didn't want to mess my life up
I had just rearrange
But it's hard to avoid
When you don't see the changes
Now I'm in foreigner waters
And I never learned how to swim
Do I step back?
Do I keep it up?
Do I say that?
Do I take this turn?
I don't want to want
But I do
I want everything
I also want you

- Promise me you'll catch me

You've put me into this world
Yet you despise me
Not looking on my face
Not asking if I'm ok
Just want to know
When I'm moving out
Why did you bring me into your life
If you hate the fact that I have one?

- the disgusting look in your eyes kills me everyday mom

I take a shower
After shower
After shower
After shower
Trying so desperately
Wash it away

The sweat
The thoughts
The scent
The guilt

Trying to untie the knots
In my stomach
In my head

I stay under the burning water
Wishing it somehow take it all
And carry it down the drain
So I can come off the shower
And feel clean again

I never knew
My heart would ache like this
Ever again

I never considered
Be in this position
Again
Crying the same cry
Again

Trigger me
You don't need much
Just the right word

Trigger me
Till the point I need
To numb everything

A pull
An intrusive thought
I could so easily drown in the pool

But night's young
And ******* long
So let's crack our drinks
And light it up
Make some steam

My head's pounding with no med
So let's soak it in
Till I can't see two feets ahead

I know you all will be up till morning
But I can't stand this much longer
So I'll knock myself out
Send down my throat whatever your handing
Till I pass out fourteen hours straight
Numb to the point I won't hear the words you're saying

Thank you,
For opening an old wound on me
Deeper than before
So I can see roses blooming from it

Thank you,
For reminding me I can bleed
And making my words flow
I write better when my heart's beating slowly

Thank you
For giving me a taste of a different kind of love
Just to give it back to hurt and longing
At least I had a glimpse of what it could have been

And most of all, thank you
For being the exact reason
I keep my walls so high
And my words for myself

Now you're just another reason for my self isolation

- I kinda new from the start, but I lied to myself - too.

You were my sword
I don't even have the shield now

- how can one person be a duo?

It all blends together
The heat of the flashes
The giggling in the hazy
Hair strands on yours cheeks
A faint voice tripping on my ear
Yours hands sliding down my jeans
And it's so loud
I can't really tell which part
Is the music pumping in my veins?
Or the raining voices gossiping?
The shadows come and go
And the only thing I can actually process
Is how drunk on you I am
The rest is a blur
A distant dream
There's dance and there's drinking
But I only see the honey of your eyes
And the rest is confetti

I bleed poetry
When the wound you left on me opens
Ink dripping out of my skin
And words streaming out of my lips
The shadows that are passing by stop to hear
And after a few minutes they plead
It's so beautiful
And so sweet
The art you make out of me
But no poetry is worthy enough
For the blood and pain
I had to go through to pick up the pen

- art isn't beautiful until I make it so

You do not know me anymore
If you only knew me five years ago
I've grown apart from myself
If the younger me saw this version
What would she tell ?

"Face's not so bad, but body's overweight"
The degree is not so bad
But I thought we would way beyond that
And you make more money than mom and dad
But now we understand the bar was never hard to get past
The girl you loved for ten years and counting
Just skipped you for the most average lad

Yeah, I know what I would say
And it's comforting in some way
To know there will never be this day
Where I would see my self hate

- I wished to be the one to make a difference

I wished to have
When I had

Realization came too late for old wishes

When the clock finish the circle
And the world goes into a blur
We will be nothing more
Than bad photos on someone's phone

I feel just as Icarus
However, I'm stuck in a forever moment

between the flying

and the falling

Yet, I can never tell
If I'm flying or falling for the most part
I just know that the world is on slow motion
And my wings are constantly melting upon my body

I want you
So desperately to love me
But I honestly can't tell
If it is because I like you
Or if I only want to know
That I can make you fall for me
If I want to

You flew away from me
Then so did my poetry
Joy flew away from me
And all my ink became dry
Hope flew away from me
As every smile spreading up my cheeks
The sky filled up with flying things
Going so desperately away from me
Out of that my soul became deeply relieved
When Melancholy and Boredom stayed
When everything dripped through my fingers
I finally had something to grip on

I desire your wheat hair close to me
Enough to smell the sweet of your skin
I wish for your spreading smile
Beginning from that mischievous smirk
But when it starts to become reality
I shy away
Everytime you're too close
Everytime you take a bold move too far
I imagine all the time
how it's gonna be when I touch you
and all the changes that I get
I shy away

- Maybe I'm only brave in my head

That I won't read the end of A Song Of Ice And Fire
That life got harder after eighteen, when it should get easier
That no mystic creature showed up to take me to Camp Half-Blood
And most of all things
I just can't believe that after all these years
I'm still writing about you

- Do you even remember I exist ?

There's blue
There's green
There's purple in you
And red down his knees

There's that fun yellow in your arms
And a touch of black under her eyes
I search for the white of your hands
But they've disappear under the light

I miss the orange
It keept it a little lighter
Now we're left with gray
And empty ink bottles piled higher and higher

Water through my hands,
wind through my hair.

The resource I lacked the most,
and now I have time
coming at me in bulk
But the amount of free time drowns me.

Then next the realization,
isn't the amount of time I have that matters
its what I make out of it

I just spiral
all the possibilities;
I could write a book,
I could finish reading those,
I could beat up a game,
I could learn a new language.

And the more I spiral with the possibilities
time rushes right pass me
till I have no time left

And I just keep tightening the spiral
Spiraling down

Once again I see waves on the pathway
Out of heat burning down on us
Times like these give me certain
If I were Icarus
The sun wouldn't melt my wings
Instead it would fall apart
Out of ocean humidity based on low flight
And I would die happy on the embracing cold waters
Out of the sun's hands

I came to that point
Where there's no turning back
I either go
Or go
So I take a deep breath
I hold hands with my fear
And kick my legs forward
With my best fake brave face
Taking all of me to keep my jaw up

And I go

My words
My home
My pain
My hurt

A bit piece of it
Makes the entire of it
I'm still learning how to let go
Of the things that are mine

- little by little I'm unloading

Don’t get too ambitious,
This path can trap you fast.
"Icarus burned down,"
And I can feel the flames cast.

Death it's a pool
Made out of every single thought
That kills me a bit more everytime
It spawns in my mind
And they keep spiraling down
In a wave of thoughts too hard to think
And in the end I just want to

Throw up my arms in surrender
Throw up my phone across the room
Throw up all the alcohol I took in to get home faster
Throw my head against the wall so the thoughts

Stop

If there's a hell
Priests will be the first ones to land foot there
Then they'll cry out to God
"What I did wrong?"
While blood drips from theirs mouths
And venom flow through their hands

If there's a hell
I hope my seat it's reserved
Near enough to see all of em burning for eternity
Paying for all the mental abuse
Caused to young people that went to church looking for love
And instead were given pitchfork and fire

I write to heal
but the ink burns harder
than any wound I had before

I write to relieve
But every time the pen hits the paper
Those memories weights down on me

I write to pour out the madness
But as I try to put it out to make sense
The knots and turns just intertwine more and more

I write for me
So I can know who I was yesterday
Because tomorrow I'll be someone else
So I at least have to know who I'm morning for

She's a daydreamer
A storm in it's physical form
Made straight out of boldness
The key to every door

She smells like that time at night
Where everything feels possible
And the world fit in ours pockets

As there's only the open road ahead
And nothing can hurt us
Because we're untouchable

There's no living thing
That won't bend to her wills
Because she's just too pretty
To be let unsatisfied

I guess that's why it hurts so much
When you wake up next morning
And she's just not into you anymore
Because the adrenaline went gone
The night made out of possibilities is dead
And she's realized you're not so interesting
As you were last night

- I fall for the dreamer every time, and every time they wake up from the dream

I miss the feeling;

Sunshine's glowing in my stomach
Waves crashing up my lungs
And lost words for being in awe of someone


- The time I had a whole tempest inside my body when you looked at me

They say

Home is not a place you find
It's a place you build

But how am I supposed
To build anything
Out of rotten wood
And broken glass?

- too perish to stand on its feet

And I got lost into emotions

Of the past
Of others
Of moments

Of every emotion
That buried my own

- how much it's too much?

There's sugar on my fingertips
There's drops on my cheeks

I don't even love you anymore, but
I'm still in love with the couple we were

-A picture was all it took to bring me back

I don't expect for nothing
I'm just a spectator

I want to take my shot
But how could I
When I don't even know
Where the bullets at?

- I don't even know from where to start

My ego is a fish
Swimming around its fish bowl

Stupid little fish
Can't settle with the pace flow

Stupid little fish
Thinking it's out in open sea

Getting offedend with that and this
While trying to take over me

Stupid little fish
Running after my control
However you remain far

Coming at me with all you got
But you're just a fish
Pretending to be a shark

I think
So I can write
But lately
I been thinking so much
I can't sketch a line

- Avalanche of thoughts spiraling down

I know
You married someone else
But I really
Really
Need to hear your voice right now

- the sound of your voice overcome the ones in my head

Even having a good time
Its a bad time
lately

- Why can't  I just enjoy?

I always think
I won't be able to write
Another line as good
As the last time

The ink resembles
Arthur's sword
And I can't pick it up
For months
Because I know
Whatever I write
Won't be good enough
To get close of what
I once wrote

When I finally do
Push up the sword
It's surprising how the hilt
Suits perfectly my hands

Trying to reach
The unreachable

Wanting to learn
As if I had eternal years

Wanting to read
Every single line that was ever written

All these side quest obligations
Seems so foolish when you put it
Side to side
Of how much there's to absorve in this world

And at 3am it hits me

I want to learn it all
I want to see it all
I wanna write
I wanna read
I wanna draw
I wanna be
I wanna see
I wanna learn
There's so much in this world
And I want it all

- next morning the flame it's gone (until the next 3am insomnia)

Seven pm
And I'm slipping
Haven't closed my eyes since then
Now I'm sleepy

Every drown in slept
It's a different torture
My mind it's pranking me
I can hear the vultures

Nightmares
As if I'm there
Chill body
It never ends

Can't wake up
Can't run away
Is my mind corrupted?
Sometimes I think
I'm not the only one there

- is it late night or early morning?

And I got lost:

Of words.
Of me.