And I'll **** him tonight
Not because I want to
But because I like to make what he likes
And me, who always loved an empty canvas
Felt my heart sink when I realized
That I mold and shift for those I love,
And it’s not so fun when the blank canvas is I.

Ashamed, ashamed—
Like I’m eight but I’m twenty-four.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Like the kid I was before.
Ashamed, ashamed,
Is this what you raised me for?
Ashamed once more.

You make me a little kid,
Just because you think you can.
I’ll always be that child,
That you torture again and again.
Make another joke,
Scream a bit louder,
Say how my brother always makes you prouder.

The same old words,
You’ve said them before—
You make me feel eight at twenty-four.
Say his name, his joy, his love,
Belittle me in front of those I adore.
Push me to the edge one step more,
Maybe I won’t make it to twenty-five,
When you make me feel eight at twenty-four.

Big tears,
for a small, small girl.
Dripping and dropping down
soaking my shirt.

Big tears,
the accumulation of the last few months
that I’ve succeeded in not thinking about—
until now.

And now, there are big tears,
crashing heavily against my chin.
Sliding past my shirt,
encountering my knee.

Tears don’t hurt,
but my ego does,
for letting them out.
The most excruciating months of my life—
and I survived, somehow.

And for the first time I truly wanted
to come out alive and breathe out.
And for the first time
it was hard to keep that vow.

When I wanted to die,
It didn't hurt this bad.
When I wanted to die,
I ate to numb the anxiety,
and then the double of that.

Now I don’t want to die,
but you sure tried to make it so.
And I couldn’t eat
for a week, maybe more.

I’ve spent my life trying to lose twenty pounds—
"About over six months I guess, I'm not so sure".
And in one week
I've lost so much more.

I’ve never felt like this—
like just a corpse.
No reason,
no will,
thinking, “I want to live. I want to move on.”
But there was no beat,
no pulse—
just tears,
because you were gone.
But why?
Why, when you were gone,
suddenly so was I?

And now I’m left with beer,
and such big tears.
They don’t hurt,
but it sure makes hard to breathe.

I write to myself
I'm the one that gets
I write to myself
I'm the only one that cares

I have so much to say
So much to put out there
But nobody wants to listen
I just want to share

A little bit of what's suffocating me
I could record an audio for this
And it would be easier for you to listen than to read
But there's a lump in my throat
No words around here
I lost my voice
So please, would you read?

I don't want to meet
I want to write to you
And asked why you left me
But you don't want to read

And I want to ask my friend's
What is wrong with me
Ask what they think made you leave
But they are too tired to read

And I poured
And poured
And then poured some more
I became too much to handle
To everyone

Everyone I love tells me to "just move on"
But I gave you everything
And then you were gone

I gave you my words
I screamed from the bottom of my throat
But it wasn't enough

I wrote a thousand pleas
Showed every ounce of my soul
And it doesn't make sense to me
When I asked you to stay
You left me on "read"

Imaginary talks
Going around in a spiral
Getting further, but never quite there
I have answers for every question
You have never asked

Imaginary talks
Even when they were real
They were still imaginary
Because the words I longed for
Never left your mouth

Imaginary talks
Because I'm blocked
I keep sending everything to your DMs
In case you see it
But I know you won't

Imaginary talks
Of us today in bed, playing games
While outside, the rain reigns
We loved these kinds of days
But it will never be the same

Imaginary talks
Of what you're saying to her
Now you've replaced me
You're doing so well, doesn't it hurt?

I've met some broken people
Broken in the same way I am
I didn't seek this out
I'm not good at "friends"

But I've met some broken people
Who saw the stitches right where they are
Didn't ask many questions about it
They asked not about my problems, but about me

I've met some broken people
Who made me feel less lonely in my hurt
I'm not special, not the only one
But when I'm cared about
I feel like even a dead star can glow

Some broken people met me
And I didn't make them feel bad about their past
Nor find meanness in their darkness
Because we're broken, our empathy lasts

Four broken people
Coming together to heal a little bit
An afternoon watching movies and playing games
Finding that broken people make my world a better fit

All the poetry I've written about us
Had no love, only hurt.
How did I not see
We were doomed from the first week?
How did I
Ignore what I wrote
And keep myself so blind?
I won't give my heart and words
To another broken soul
For my love was sold to a selfish and bold
Person who broke all that I own.

I want to kiss your face
and play with your hair,
but we're far gone, dead—
how can love still be there?

I know it won't come back to life,
but I want to hold you once more.
I want to spend the night;
I want the warmth of your love.

Do you miss my hug?
Do you crave my scent?
If you truly loved me,
why didn't you show me then?

I know we're broken;
there's no way to mend.
But if I just want you for the night,
do you think we can?

To write,
To take an intangible thing—
A feeling,
An idea—
And translate it into coherent words
That another rational being can grasp,
Through these structured arrangements of letters,
The emotions and thoughts
Of someone entirely unique.
How can one not be awed by writing?
How can one not see its magic
In our capacity to share
What resides deep within our souls?

You refuse to look inward
And ask the big questions.
You refuse to open your mind
To a few new perceptions.
How do you want the answer
If you don't do the sessions?
I hope you find what you want,
But life doesn't make exceptions.

I love you, though we're out of sync.
I love you, despite the pain I drink.
I love you, even though we've broken up.
I love you, do you love me, sir?

We're not made for each other,
But I wish we were.
I want you back,
But I'm so tired of breaking and getting on.

I've seen you after nearly a month,
I didn't know I'd miss you this much.
But I do,
I miss you all the way up.
I miss you,
Do you miss me at all?

Seated on the couch,
TV blaring loud.
Nothing more than a hush,
And a corpse between us.

We carry it around,
We poke and make fun,
Pretending it's alive,
What's long gone.

We take showers and make meals,
Life never feels real.
We didn't even think about it at first,
But we're carrying a corpse between us.

Pretending it's alive,
Trying to complete the run.
Where does it take us?
When it's the corpse of our love?

Our love is dead and gone,
And we're trying to keep it alive.
But it doesn't have a pulse, breath, heat, or beat.
We're just carrying its corpse around,
Pretending it's not gone.

We're lying to ourselves again,
lying and lying.
We could never fix what we broke
or get another one.

I wish things were like this,
easy to fix,
easy to bring
back to what it was before,
in the first two or three months.

But life isn't like that,
and even though I don't think it's fair,
that's how it is.
So let's keep going
and keep it a secret.

We're broken, broken,
and it just gets deeper,
longing and crying,
forever weeper.

Where to go?
Where?
Is it even worth?
I don't know

Broken feeling
Broken glass
Why together
We're just a mess

I know
            Know
                       Know

But do I?
Thoughts pounding
I'm not minding
I'm used to this beat

So confused
But calm at most
Another confusion;
Is just another one

I don't want you anymore
But I need you closed
If it's no you
Maybe it won't be anyone

I can't bear that
I can't bear the lone
But you are here and
It's just as you're gone

So I'm thinking
And my brain already decided
But I'm feeling, and feeling
It's not arbitrarily

Cold in summer
A frost within me
My thoughts died
Wasn't complete

Cold in summer
where was I?
You didn't love me
Not a single day in time

Cold in summer
How can it be so cold?
You were here yesterday
But have been gone for so long

Cold in summer
I don't love you anymore
What are we here for?
Just getting old

Heat in winter
I hope it to be
So hot, so feverish
I forget to feel

You left me again
But it didn't **** me this time

You used to leave me half-dead
Too scared to stay and see while I die

But I didn't die this time
I didn't ask you to stay
I refuse to let this day go to waste,
for you're uncertain about how to feel and what to say.

You didn't **** me this time
It still hurts, but I'm still alive
It's a bit tricky
But I'm learning to survive

My love's running cold
And I don't think it will ever warm up again
Do I want it to warm up again?

My life's running warm as never
Who took off the fold?
Why did I start living so old?

Is it comfort that binds me?
Why can't I embrace change,
Despite knowing the answer,
And persisting in the same?

Locked up inside a lock that's locked
How to free myself from me
How to become
Something I'm not

Or am I?
Who is "me"?
So many things coming together
And since last week
And I'm no longer twenty three

Words whirl
In chaotic flight
Left and right
A pandemonium of linguistic might

Words engage
In a battle on rage
To see who will make it to the page

When did it get so hard to put them out?
When did I stop writing down?
When did the fire burn out?

Amidst the guts and smashed brain, I know
I cannot weave words I don't truly believe
I only pen what my mind's conceived

I halted my writing, afraid to confront my thoughts
To preserve the mask I've carefully wrought
But I'm suffocating in me, I need the writing
And the ink dont cease calling me

Told myself I was too happy to write
And art can't come out of good things
How can this be happiness
With my mind flooding with words like this ?
Why deceive myself?
Why stifle happiness?
When the situation I'm in
Is just enough to forget the pain
Not to let it go away

I'm suffocating in myself,
drowning, drowning,
inside the person I am.

No one to talk to,
So I made myself my best friend.
After a few moons together,
I realized I didn't want my company either.
And that's when I knew
I was completely alone.

I keep trying to shut myself down,
But I've been so loud this week,
I keep suffocating in me.

People that only
love poetry
when it's short
don't know what
poetry is

You ran dry my words
I've put down the pen
Cause I had someone
To talk
And listen
To all the words glimmering and blistering
But you never heard
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
I caught you asking the same question over and over again
Like a tired sentence
That you read and reread when you're half asleep
I gave you all my words
I gave you my poet soul
But you never read it
You never wanted to know the scent of my ink
You just wanted I gave you all of me
To take care of your own disorganized and scribbles words
You wanted me,
The part that took care of your words
But never wanted me,
The part that longed to be heard

You've rooted my brain
To the point where I didn't know myself anymore
You've poisoned my heart
To the point I didn't love me anymore
How did I give myself
To such a broken soul?
How did I give myself
While you didn't give yourself even once

I have loved for both of us
And it's ironic because
That was the farthest thing from love

And it was ironic because
You claim to love me so much
But you just rot me
To the point I don't know love anymore

Not all men,
Don't paint them with the same brush.
There are good fellas out there,
They're just hidden in the hush.

Not all men,
Don't be harsh and snap.
You're hurting their feelings,
By saying that.

Not all men
Just all your male classmates,
With different ages, incomes and background.
You think they're all the same cloth, but they're just clout
Real men are out there; you just have to be alert to find out

Not all men
Well, maybe your work colleagues
But just because they get carried in their jokes
Doesn't mean the nice guys have to pay for it

Not all men
Just your brother, cousins and uncles
Are the perfect stereotype of what they claim not to be
Maybe you just have to open your heart and see what they want you to see

Not all men
Remember that nice guy you met?
He was so charming and polite
So what that with his group friends he's the first to make a  offensive little Joke and get everybody to crack ?

Not all men
What about you lovely lover?
He doesn't want to be with you when it gets too hard
But he's so nice, isn't he? You should be more grateful for the lad!

Not all men
Didn't you have a dad?
He screamed and horrorofied you
Just thinking about your own good so
Why do you treat him so bad?

Not all men
Your classmate is so smart!
He can talk about books and life
Is it such a big deal he told you these words
As a heartfelt friend advice?

Not all men
You're just too boring!
Can't take a ******* joke
And then think they're all terrible

So what if he's married and has a baby girl
Yet still watching **** in class and talk about
Getting underage girls?

So what if he has a younger sister
And talk with our classmates about
Wich one he's going to let be the lucky guy
That will make it in their house to take her at night?

Not all men
Stop being dramatic!
Boys will be boys
What's the catastrophe?

Not all men,
You just have to find the right one,
Who will tell you that boys are just like that,
And aren't intending to harm anyone.

He doesn't even think about how my heart sinks
When I talk about all these things
And I get back that I'm such a drama queen
Bacause that's just how people are
A laught doesn't turn them mean

Not all men
But how am I gonna trust a men
That joke at every woman they know
And act defenseless when the misogyny it's shown

Not all men,
I guess I want to believe it,
And that's why my heart aches so much,
Because always when I think I've found the right one,
The right friend, the right love

All men,
Not leaving one out at all,
Have proven me wrong so far,
And it hurts deeply,
Because I want to believe  it.
Not all men,
But all I've met so far.

"I've never experienced grief,"
I pondered for quite some time.
But in this pool of stagnation, I grieve each day,
An eternal punishment, as Sisyphus and his climb.

I grieve the life I dreamt of as a child,
To silence the screams at dinner.

I grieve the future we planned out
Before I saw you leaving.

I grieve golden hours in my living room,
With a book in hand and tea on the table,
In a house I never managed to buy.

I grieve my friends,
Who now reside in a distant dream future,
Where our worlds no longer collide.

I grieve my dream job,
Fulfilling work and festive nights,
Mornings being applauded for being a mastermind.

And most of all, I grieve,
Our future together,
Which I've dreamed of for years,
A house, plants, games, cats,
Dancing in the living room,
Purchasing new chairs,
Our cooking sessions at three a.m,
Knowing I'm loved for what I am.

Paper dreams,
Imaginary plans,
Tired smiles,
Our hidden dance.

I know I can get repetitive
So pardon me if I do
After all , what is grief
If not spiraling thoughs in a loop

My goals, plans so grand,
Smiles we shared, happiness at our hand,
Now are shattered, buried in the sand,
My is future lost and for that,
I grieve again.

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
I don't want to die; I just want to escape.
About to fly off, but there’s no hero's cape.

Standing at the edge of this landscape,
Last month, I thought it wasn't too late
To take a jump into the air as if it were a lake.
But now I see clearly, and there's no way.

I'm standing at the edge of this landscape.
It took me too long to realize that life doesn't negotiate.
It just sets its price, then comes and takes.

I was standing at the edge of this landscape
A few seconds ago, but now I'm falling while my lungs deflate.

Thought that I could change,
Somehow the hope was fake.
I knew I was never good at setting a pace.

At least for the first time, I don't hold hate
Of all that could be, this is the best place
To put my shoes aside and set my grave.

When my body becomes part of this landscape.

I'm staring at the same sky again
I thought it wouldn't be the same
The air is cutting through my cheeks
The stars laughing down on me

Another year
Same story
Press repeat
Kinda boring

I'm staring at the same sky again
I thought I would be with you then
Hot summer night
I'm don't even feel sad but stoic I cry

The sky is pouring outside
So I won't have to cry all by myself

I'm not sleepy
I'm sad
And somehow it took me

A very,
               very
                           long time

to separate both things

I've let go of my words
Because you said my english wasn't good enough

I've let go of my points
Because you said I'm always pushing my point of view

I've let go of speaking up around you
Because my opinion it's always wrong

I've been sore by someone that can barely put up a phrase together

And still

I've let go of myself
Because you would never love someone like me

Why do I have lungs
If I can't breathe
Why it's dark
If I can't sleep
Why is there silence
If I'm so anxious
Why isn't right
When isn't wrong
These nights
Have me wide awake
Trying to learn
How much I can take
My mind it's pounding
Words, flashes and sounds
I wish I could stop
But I don't know how

I want a bullet through my skull
Right outta my head
Oh I wish I was dead
I wanna die
And it kills me to be alive

Beating and beating
till it bleeds
Oh, I just wish to disappear
Some days out of thin air
Others to let a scene of full bloodbath
But most days are the same
I wish I wasn't
But I suppose I am

You love me
But just when I'm away
You care
Just when I treat you the same

You love me but don't even understand
I love you but not enough to stay

If not even the person that is supposed to love me,
Loves me
How am I supposed to feel loved?

I allowed me to trust
Now I can't bring myself to understand
That your safety isn't an option anymore
Every now and then
I catch a thought,
A plan or move that includes you
And I have to remember
You gave away my trust
Passed me up
Had just enough fun
And took away everything you brought
Now when I think of us
It takes so much to realize we were
But we are no more

Go ahead
Put a red nose on me
Make me do it all for you
And be what you want me to be

So you can just turn around
And leave me with the white paint
A tear drawn on my checks
Upside down smile in pain
And guilty in my stripped sleeves

I sacrificed so much for this circus
You got me crying till noon
You never gave me priority
Left me alone with empty balloons

I thought being good with words
Meant I would be good dealing with people
But these two things are so far
From each other

What use is it knowing what to say
If I can't bring myself to open my mouth?

Who decided
love was supposed
to hurt this much?

Crying for you
Every single time

What a kid
Are you kidding me?
What a kid
And with me
Getting caught in the crossfire
I'm so tired
You're such a kid
Playing with me
But obeying tightly
Who buys your snacks

When things get blue
I'm always there for you
But when I get there
Then I'm no good

- not enough

I wish I could
But I can't

-Anything at all

Endless night
Turning to one side to the other
Weighing against the mattress
It doesn't even matter
The thought of a far away
Escaping inside my mind
Making up a world of mine
Where I pretend to find
The little Golden bottle of happiness
In a whirl of events that lead to this
The world of plastic
And tears of stone
Going down so fast
Just to return
Every evening a new chapter
Every dusk a new cry
And all the demons in the corner
Watching in the dark
As I lay down
Just to sit up
Repeating all night
Through the fases of the dark blanket
As I try to push the voices back
They come stronger and tore apart
Sanity is not here anymore
She left jealous a while ago
Said she couldn't share me
With the pride and ego
So she left a chair empty
And an empty chair doesn't stay empty for long
Now I have this stranger little thing
Sitting just in the middle
It won't let me sleep
It won't let me eat
It barely allows to breathe
I'm still asking for its name
But gained nothing in return

There's words dancing
All around you
They're floating
I try to adjust them in order
But how I could
When you're glowing
So bright all I can do is smile?

I've let you go

It took me a lifetime
To learn how to put these letters together
You used a day or two

It took me years
To learn how to swing the pen
It was a hour or so for you

I used to stand so proud
To be able to do theses things
When you, with boredom
Learned it overnight
And wanted to taught me
How to do them right

It makes me so angry
How I had to give everything I have
To learn all of it
And you do everything better
At your first shot

It makes me guess
Are you special
Or am I just not enough?

You make me feel dumb
Every arrogant tone
Every correction of my actions
Every rewritten of my words
Let them be messy
Let them be clumsy
They're mine

You make me feel dumb
And just laugh it off
Because "I'm gonna be mad
If you just try to help
With best intentions"

In the end
You just make me feel dumb
And like to feel superior
Somehow makes you feel better
About yourself
And all the things you done
That made you feel dumb

When all you get from me
Is silence
When I just agree
Nodding my head
So you'll shut too
That's when you must know
You've lost me

Do you get me,
If I say life is a little too weird
And despite the good things that happens
I'm not even near what I can call happy

Do you get me?
When I say I still failing
Even if I just show the best scores
I'm still a bit lost
and kinda sore

Do you get me
If I tell you that the people I trust most
Don't get it
Not all, not even a little

So I started guessing
That if not even who cares for me understand
Is someone out there that gets it ?

These words are for nobody
No one to see it
You may want to correct
Since your words are better

So these words are for nobody
That's why they are mine
No words for nobody
And nobody am I

Did you wait smiling for this?

Wet grass smell. There's nothing more earthy about earth. I miss the raw world. Not the grind "to make it". Earth. Wind. Rain. I miss the animal part of ourselves. I miss the humanity in the human.