If you avoid getting hurt
at all
you're effectifely avoiding life all together
going out means opening up,
means showing skin
to bruise, to bleed,
to scar over

Taking chances means embracing the fall
eventualy there will be an impact
a ground to hit, some facts to face
of some sorts

But I'm so scared,
I'm terrified of getting hurt
of failure, emberassement, of rejection I guess
and I don't even understand why

To scared to life, to scared to die
just floating inbetween
Feeling wasted moments passing by
escaping
by scrolling on a screen

Feel it running through my hands
trying to grasp what's real, what's wrong
looking for solid ground
to stand upon

Splashing water to my face
trying to wake up
WAKE UP!
and live my dream.

Finally not behind
but on time
in control behind the wheel
you are here with me, and
this life is mine

How deep is the ocean
Mister fisher man?

All glitter and gold on top
Waves crowned royalty
And darkness below
Darkness
Without end

Your troubles
Washed off
Sink and forget
Look up from below
Look!
Watch the light break at the surface
Magnificent, one of a kind kinda sight

Seep it in
Let's go deeper
We'll drown togehter
Take it further
How romantic

Here I am weightless
Can't fall for you anymore
I can't hear you

At last there is silence
As you drift off
The world goes quiet

I'm sick of myself
Tonight
I want out
Of my skin

Tonight
I'm a changed man
A natural charmer
Rub it in

No more worrying
Overthinking
Turning away
No more to shy kinda guy

I want to see
What life could be like
Without holding back
Without me being me

Make you out from across the bar
Look into your eyes
No flinching, holding out
Let's make out
We'll work it out

Eye you up and stare you down
Please don't go
Come closer babe
Share some warmth with me
Let's share some digits

I'll see you tomorrow
Pick you up at five

If that's alright?
****

There is this one question
Which seems to manifest
Waiting, lurking
Behind every turn
And every corner
A reacurring visitor

Tell me
Where did I go wrong?
What did I miss?

Tell me
What is wrong with me?

Intellectualising my desire
Making up excuses
No shame
I don't even want it
Smart ***

Really
No preassure here
Whatever you feel the most comfortable with
You can come on over
We'll just talk
Promise

Spitting lies
To her, to myself
I'm doing fine
Trying to get by
Doing right by
Her

Ah yes
The great she
It's all for her
I put a princess on a pedestal

Watch her reign

Rereading all of my texts now
Redoing them
I feel the urge
Put a wet sponge to the board
Erase all the words
Leave no witnesses
No chalk lines left at the crime scene

But if I'd delete everything
That wasn't instant perfection
Cheap ramen in a chipped bowl
Pour hot water on top
Five minutes and it's done
My quick kinda fix
To statisfy the hunger
Not feeling the itch for a little longer

If I'd give in
There'd be nothing of me left
In this world
To go off on
So don't hold back
Go off little one

Isn't it curious how you can spend a lifetime
going unnoticed.
Alone with all your small habits and thoughts.

The more people are around you the easier it is
to become invisible.
The last person on earth among others

And she said
I sentence you
To life
To happiness and suffering

And he said
I'll grant you an end
When it's over
I'll lay you to rest

At one crossroad
at one minute
at any time
a hundred lifes can meet,

Yet no one notices, no one cares
except me and you.
We stand still for a minute,
before you're gone too.

I'm a man

Hate me, hit me, **** me,
Insult me, ghost me, spit me in the face.
Destoy me, my life.

No one notices,
No one cares

Feels cold now doesn't it?
The flame almost went out.

Question is, are you here to rekindle
or to put a boot to the embers?

So
As it became winter  again
The question arose

Dark thoughts
or just
Dark weather?

How can you be
Always on my mind
Forever,
Close to my heart
And next to me
When the night falls
And I grow lonely

Yet you're still
Missing
Form my life?

And my lips mouth
The words
I dare not speak
Out loud
And make them come true

You see
My cowardice is still my biggest flaw
It's holding me back

For here I am
Living my life
In my prime

And I miss you
Still

There's no time
to turn my worries into poetry
to build a structure
frame it
hang it up nicely

It has to come out, out, out
come out now

Dear Mister
Suit man,

Did you choose this life?
To lock your power away
Buried in layers
Half buttoned
Slim fit
Not much room left here
To breathe

In an attempt to control oneself,
Make yourself seem composed
A small plea perhaps
For compassion?
Hide away the threat within
Trying to appear harmless
Who are you fooling?

Dialing down your strength
To function in society
To be accepted
Or are you just holding back?

Pacing in a cage
Is a beast,
Waiting
For the right time
To break out, to roar

Are these broad shoulders yours?
Or are you wearing patts?
Could it be?
Insecurity?
And worn so close to your chest,
On open display
Custom fitted

Does it hold you back?
Keep you reserved
Keep the rage in check?
I doubt it

Keep you upright,
Keep you going?
When your backbone doesn't hold
Does it help safe face ?

In this masked ball
We call life
You're beginning to stumble
Begining to crack

When the suit comes off
After a long day
Out in the open, under fire
When all the pressure stored up within
Leaks out, at once
When the chains fall off,
To the ground
cling, cling

Do the bars still hold?
Or do you let the monsters out
Into the light of day
Off the leash
To roam free and get some fresh air

Do you manage to supress yourself?
To continue this farce
The dark white rage
Luring within
Starving embers, running cold
There is no warmth left in you

What do those hands do?
Without a collar to the wrist
In remote rooms
Behind closed doors
In the shady corner of the street
Who has his eyes on you here?

Do you feel your farthers gaze
perhaps?
Your mothers absence,
The absence of love
A sting in your chest

Hear the white noise
Growing louder and louder
Every day
Penetrating your skull
Demanding to be heard

The hole in your torso
Growing and growing
You're collapsing, imploding
There's no stopping it now.

You can losen your tie,
Unbutton your shirt
But you can't losen the grip
Around your neck
The weight on your shoulders
Doesn't lessen
The show must go on

Do remind me
To buy me a new suit

Custom made

Kann man eine Beziehung führen
Ohne sich dabei selbst zu verlieren?
Seine Selbstständigkeit aufgeben,
Um miteinander
Zusammen auf zu gehen?

Wo setze ich meine Grenzen
Damit es funktioniert
Und nicht kaputt geht?
Damit ich nicht an dir,
Mit dir zu Grunde geh?

Wieviel kann ich abgeben?
Wie viele Kompromisse bin ich bereit einzugehen?
Von Zufriedenheit zu Glück zur Liebe
Oder immer im Kreis
Wieder von vorn?

Hallo,
Schön dich zu sehen,
Na dann, auf Wiedersehen
Wieder alleine sein,
Lieber alleine bleiben?
Muss das so sein?

Gehört das Wirklich dazu?
Wenn achtzig Prozent stimmen,
Dann ist es perfekt
Sagen sie
Kannst dich glücklich schätzen
Welche achtzig genau?

Wer bin ich überhaupt?
Ohne dich , mit dir, nach dir?
Was will ich, was brauch ich?
Was weiß ich,
Schon?
Nichts davon

War da mehr bevor oder nachdem wir uns trafen?
Vor oder nach den ersten drei Monaten,
Dem ersten halbem Jahr,
Nach drei, nach sieben
Fünfzehn, dreißig ...?

Werde ich je Gewissheit haben?
Das es das ist
Das du es mir wert bist?
Bin ich schon angekommen,
Oder sollte ich weitersuchen?
Bekomme ich Klarheit, ohne dich dabei zu riskieren?
Dich zu verlieren?

Bleib bei mir,
Sieh mir nicht ins Gesicht
Komm mir nicht zu nah,
Aber bitte warte noch,
Bitte
Verlass mich nicht

What's it like,
being happy witout a care?
.
A puppy in the sun

I replaced depression with indifference,
and indifference with hyperactivity

What happens if I stop moving?

Sailor, sailor
Riding the waves
Facing the horizon
Breaking wind
Sunrise to sundown

Truly a master of the elements
But a master of oneself?

How romantic
How platonic
You're heading north
It's going south

Away, away
Where are you going?
What are you running from?

A collection of scents
Jars stacked high with strange contents
Cursive, faded labels
Weird shapes within
Shattered shards of glass
Reflections
Flickering in the low light

A library of memories
Books that are falling apart
Coverd in dust
Unreadeable words
In a forgotten language

A catalouge of emotions
Almost forgotten
Remnants that are trapped here
Echoing in empty halls unwandered are
The steps you leave behind
Are the only signs of life
In here
There's nothing left for you to find

Die Tage reihen sich,
in zu schneller Abfolge,
in zu vielen Reihenfolgen
Aneinander, auseinander
zu Löchern in meinem Kopf.

Eindrücke verschwimmen und verwischen,
Farben und Gesichter vermischen sich
Der Regenbogen am Himmel gestern ist heute schon weiß.
Ein Spektrum umgekehrt.
Namen sind Laute geworfen gegen den Wind,
gerade noch gesprochen und schon sind sie verflogen.
Wer warst du und wann
warst du gewesen?
Ich weiß nicht mehr wer ich war,
zu welcher Zeit an welchem Ort.

Weißt du,
ich spreche vom Ende der Zeit,
praktisch,
du von ihrer Unerreichbarkeit,
herrlich
Wer waren wir gewesen?

Gerade noch erlebt,
gerade noch gelebt
und schon sind wir vergangen,
so bleiben wir,
vergessen.

Endlich.

Smoke in my lungs
to fill up the emptiness in my chest

Nicotine to my head
for when the world overwhelms me again

Once every day.

Whatever you'll say
whatever you'll do

I'll never be good enough
in my own head

Whatever happens,
that's not gonna change

Just so we're clear this is personal.
I wrote this for me, I wrote this for friends, my mom, as therapy.
I wrote this for people to see,
to see me. Finally.

After I've died that is,
after I've done it, possibly killed myself.
Good riddance.
Now put the book back in the shelf.

This is my inner point of view, it is but a fracture,
a specific frame,
not the whole picture.
My solemn manufacture.

It's also me just fooling around.
I's also me just being lonely, being *****.
Find me.

I tried again
Unfortunately  

Because
Obviously

She unmatched me

I shall be remembered not by success and accomplishment
but by the kidness I gave to others.
I shall be recalled by my brightest laugh,
  the dimples of my cheeks
As a steady shoulder to my friends,
  an open ear to their stories.

But first things first
If you can do it, I too
can live.

I wrote you a love letter
while wearing her perfume
On my wrist
Affirmations on a tissue
Or was it a puking bag?

To seat 4D

To you,
Whoever you might be
I wonder are you lost,
On your way,
Or perhaps are you found?

Just for a moment
Together,
Here,
With me
Somewhere in eternity

How is it
That I've learned to see the beauty in the everyday
In them, who they could be
I'm talking potential
Yet I can't seem to see any in me
Could you help me?
Maybe teach me?
Just for a little

I've never learned to live life
You see?
Can't seem to figure it out
Ah the question
How to do it right

I feel like I've missed out on a lot
Came short, short king
So much to catch up on
Yet here I am
Alone in my bed
Unwilling to move

For me I'd differ between different generations
by their poitical or social crisis happening in their time,
and the toys they used in their childhood.

What went wrong, what messed you up
and how did you distract yourself from it

Our common ground

Here we go again
step by step
this time it's different I say
things have changed, I've changed
I think to myself
again

I stop, just a moment
I look up, same old road
I look down, old familiar steps
sunk in a bit deeper into the ground
I've been here before,many, many times

Game over,
try again
the only thing changing
is the passing of time and the pace of my steps

Can't outrun yourself
Maybe I should just lay down
watch the seasons go by

What's the point?
I've never stopped to question it before

To afraid to find answers