What is it about freckles
about cute cuts and tops,
about sunflowers and pastel colours?

Green, blue, brown, yellow and grey
and everything in between
staring into your eyes, mesmerized

What about shapes and curves?
Up, down, in and out
you caught my attention
in a net of your facets

What is it about your scent, your expressions
your smile, your laugh
that makes me chase you?
Act fool

I keep replaying our moments together
when we aren't
together
chasing you in my mind
Until next time

What is this magic
that makes me ignore all my principles
risk my safety, my freedom
for nothng but a possibility
mere chance?

Let's find out, let it play out

I'm doomed but that's okay
if only I can be near you again
Lay down in your arms,
at least for a little while.

I'm free falling
what a scary thought

imagine
hitting the ground without you
imagine
hurting you

Wenn Kinder auf Panzern spielen
Noch nicht lange still gelegt
Ist es ein gutes oder ein schlechtes Zeichen?

Touristenattraktion Nummer drei
Liegt auf dem Weg
Wir kommen vorbei
Mach mal ein Foto

Eine friedvolle Szene?
Oder nur die Feuerpause
Zwischen Blitz und Gewitter?
Wo schlägt er diesmal ein?
Wie weit ist entfernt?
Sind wir hier sicher?

Helden der letzten Generation
Zu Bette dort unten in der Erde
Hört nicht hin
Lasst eure Augen geschlossen
Ruhet in Frieden
Ihr habt genug gelitten

Ich will noch nicht nach Hause
Papa nimmst du mich auf den Arm?
Mama kann ich ein Eis haben?
Die Sonne *******noch
Noch ist es warm

I'm 23 now (24,25,...)
and already so tired
Tired of it all
the constant struggle
for sustain, for mediocrity
compromise what makes you you and feel alive

How much longer
Do i have to go on?

How long will you keep believing
what was promised to you?
How long can you wait
for the promised payout
that you're still hoping, wishing, begging for?

I just want to be healthy and happy
in life
why is that so hard to get,
so hard to keep
alive?
Am I asking to much?
Shouldn't that be the minimum?

Dear body, dear mind, dear soul
What's the point of survival
without a good reason to stay alive for?

And what's the alternative when dying isn't an option either?
I still do want to go on, my body wants to live
it has an agenda, a mind of it's own

Still hasn't had enough, still isn't fed up,
no energy left to spend,
no  feelings, no anger left to vent
it still holds on, teeth clenched it claws, it crawls on

Just indifference and that little cursed hope
that keeps me from letting go completly,
keeps me holding on.

You said I'd be like a guardian angel,
to you
a knight in shining armor.
You trust me completly
You let yourself go

Please don't elevate me like that
Not when I could hit you
and you'd stay
stay still
stay still with me.

You don't have healthy boundries
at all
and how could you?
When no on ever taught you
taught you to care for you.

That power scares me
the power you give me over you
It acts corrupting
There is something rotten here
something you are yet to see
that you're slowly bringing out of me.

I keep it locked behind the curtains
of the stage we're acting on
We are comitted to our roles now
Hide and seek we play

I hide, you seek
all fun and games

Now
The make up is slowly  coming undone
We're spilling tears and sweat.
I sweat you cry.
I can't cry, you do it for me!

How much time is left,
till I get bored or you see me for me?

After
Nights like this
Hundreds of drinks later
Hundreds of people
Shallow like the thick air
You breathe in there

After
Total ups and downs
Oh what euphoria it is,
Riding out highs to the ground
Past the point of throwing up,
Throwing it all away

When the shakes stop
Your fists still hurting
From punching the door
On your way out
"I'm taking five"
A small number

A couple breaths
Curled up
Next to the toilet
Completly overwhelmed
In and out
Should I just go?

Dancing
Behind the stick
Pouring promises of a quick escape
No remorse's found here
No moderation cause
"Tonight we go big
Time to forget ourselves"
To let go of all reason

Melting bonds
Together with your people
We've gone through the fire trials
Together
We do it, again and again
Together

When you can't smell the smoke
Any longer
Hovering in the air
When you can't hear the music
Anymore
A "boom, boom, boom" to the background

When your sweat forms a salty smile
On your shirt
Your face, a pale grimace
Void of any emotion
At this point
Teeth clenched, throat sore
You don't matter anymore

It's us against them
Who will give in first?
Their thirst for more
Or my arms, my legs,
My patience?

They are a constant demand,
For more
Total ignorance,
In pure bliss pure preassure
Ego printed out on paper
Left on the table or thrown at you
On their way out
Pick it up when you clean this mess

When it's over for the night
You come to a stop
Silence
As the world wakes up
And comes alive again,
Slowly

The sun gently lights your face
On your way home
A bit of shelter
Warmth and quiet
A bit of peace

Finally excused,
You hurry home
A couple hours of rest and resignationt
The adrenaline wore off
Put a check behind yesterday
It's over and done

Four, five, six
Hours
A quick bite, sleep, repeat
Rest
The to do list of today
Already delivered to your pocket

Time's up
You blinked twice
You said you wouldn't do that anymore
Have to get going now, have to get back
Have to function again
Be there in five

Only then it is,
That you realize
You enjoy losing yourself
In the struggle
In this swirl ******* you in
Deeper and deeper

Time passes
Quicker and quicker
Just a little more
And I can give up
I can give in

And leave everything behind
Leave all reason
Leave all trouble
Awake but unconscious
Dead or alive
Night or day

Look,
How messed up you have become
For a nicle and a dime
Your life's gone grey, gone grim
Gone bitter

It's after nights like this
That you get the hint of a feeling
That you went wrong somewhere
Togehter with a clear feeling
Of deserving it
You deserve to end here

I am a mold,
Clay to be folded, kneaded, hardend, softened and burned,
to be formed by the tides and the wind
Layer by layer added and scraped again
to break and to be fixed

I am what  I consume
My enviroment makes me
shapes my personality
Untitled
At the time
The movies  watch, the books I read, the characters I envision
become the traits of my everyday demeanor
One, two, three faced
Living under curtains, quick glimpses from under the mask
Gemini personified

If my opinion, my beliefs, and through this my being
are influnecend so easily,
hand crafted, tailored for every stituation and encounter
Is there even such a thing as identity?
At what point do I lose myself through adaptive behaviour?
Who am I without you?
What's a reflection without the mirror?

Who is the true version of me,
the one you see or
the one  that comes out when no one's watching?

Work out,
not to boost your ego but to be able to care for others,

Broader shoulders not to intimidate but to carry your mothers groceries when she gets older. So she has something to lean on just as you did growing up.

A back massive enough to steady your fahter when he can't do it by himself anymore. An open invitation for him to place his hand.
"I'm proud of you son"

Bigger arms to hold your friends tight shall they ever need it. So they may never lose their smile and you may never lose yours.
And hopefully you may never lose each other.

A bigger chest not to boast with but for your lover to rest and hide from the world for just "five more minutes" longer, while the first rays of sunlight  touch her face in the morning.

Strong hands that can gently support a childs head against the stomrs of this world but won't ever let go when they're needed to. To keep holding on of what's important.

Steady eyes, focused on the road ahead. So nobody gets lost on the way.

Capable legs to carry them home after a long night, and lay them to rest. To kick back whe life kicks you and tries to play *****.

And finally a strong mind to provide it all and more
and find purpose and happiness in doing so.

Hi, you up?

I'm a curious person
I gotta ask, I gotta know

What's it like
To hug you from behind?
What are you like
When there is no one else around
beside me and you?

I hold you now closely
In my mind
To my chest
Upclose
My face in your hair

What’ it like?
To hold hands , your skin on my skin
What’s the taste of your lips
When we kiss?
The taste of your neck
As I am doubling down?

Experiments of chemistry
Are conducted in the dark.
Your pretty face blushing
Your perfum in my nose
Your neck plus my palm
The rising tension in between
Laws of attraction
What does it all add up to?

To hear you breathe,
Your whispered words
To hear your mind shut off,
Your voice slip out
As it grows louder and louder
And finally give in

Give up
Surrender your controll
To me
Give me permission,
Please
I beg you
Let me take over
Let me take care of you

Green light, red light
Lights out
Now switch

Oh to just trace your curves
To do it
Over and over
Up and down
Again and again
Togehter and apart
You have me mesmerized

What’s it like for to time lose it’s meaning?
To get lost intertwined
Inseparably?
Our feet to be indistinguishable
From each other
From the end of the bed?
How soft are your thighs?
Careful I bite
Will you leave your marks on me?

Please,
You have me on my knees
Before you
You have me
All of me
I worship you women

I’m actually nervous
I hope I don’t bore you
I hope I’m enough
For I’m already lost

The shape of your breast already imbedded
The memory of us forever burned in my mind
As a precious little thing we did back then
Do you remember?
Will you remember me?

It takes the breeze to cool us off
Drenched in sweat
Sunk in each other
The magical hour
When walls fall down and secrets come out
When bonds are formed
In the cover of the night

Time to rest
To fall asleep,
Wake up next to each othe in the morning to come
Togehter?

Tell me
What’s it like?
To share a cigarette,
Coffe in the morning.
How do you take it?
Black, no milk no sugar?

Let’s go for a walk.
Let’s eat, I’ll cook
Let’s do it today, tomorrow and the day after
Till days turn to weeks
and weeks to How-was-your-day‘s
Tell me.

What's it like
In the night?
Laying next to you?
What’s it like to wake up
next to you?
For now and ever?

What are you like
Upclose?

Cutie
What I'm saying is
I'd like to take you out

I have no purpose here

I'm not in control
Mesmerized
I watch

Hold captive
By shapes
Made out of a blank space
Brought to light

By pages slowly filling
with ink
bled by a pen
seemingly
led by my hand

Black ink
absorbing the light

Here I am, again
Alone
Getting the universal feeling
Of not getting what I deserve
Shocking I know

Of not getting out what I put in
Getting back what I give
Aren't I silly?
Do I deserve?

I try to do everything right
When possible
And of course I fail
So do you I suppose?

Be kind, be supportive, be there
Help out where I can
Listen, give advice,
Try to remember the important stuff
All that's so fleeting to my mind

Check in with you,
"What are you doing today?"
Bring little gifts
Show you how much you matter

Show how much you mean to me
Through my actions and letters
"You've been on my mind"

Offer my shoulder, my ear, my hands, my thoughts

Make myself likeable,
Make myself calm, soft
No threat here, no anger
A safe space

Compromise for others
Often without being asked
Or thanked for
Appreciation is hard to come by

"Please don't forget about me
Please include me
Please don't leave me behind"

Sometimes I get bitter
Sometimes I feel empty and weak
And don't have much to offer
Seclude myself to safety
But I try don't I?

I don't see you doing it much
You apologize
You promised better

Yet you forgot my birthday again
Like last year

It's okay I do it too
No bother
I should have reminded you

Yet you didn't find time to visit me in the hospital
When I had to learn how to walk again
No promises for the future

It's okay,
I hid how bad it was
How could you have known
When I was only gone for half a year

Yet, if I don't write first
Then there is no conversation?

I have to announce to the world
Exactly what is wrong with me,
For you to listen

I have to show up
On your doorstep
In crutches
And wait for you to let me in
For you to see
Are you even there?

You know me,
You know my struggles and my compassion
You know my shadows and that
Often they're stronger than me
And dark thoughts take over

So why do you forget about me
So quickly?
Why don't you send a little love?
A litle goes a long way for me

To know I don't have to do it all alone
Like I used to be
To know there is someone
There for me too

A little warmth in my chest
Against the storm of my mind
A little light against the shadows creeping
A little company for the hohle in my tummy
Of fear and insecurity

But it's okay
I'm used to it right?
Gotta be more patient,
Gotta go on giving,
Go on
Be
Understanding,
Compromise, how to

Cause
My anger isn't justified
Right?

I wonder
when in my childhood
did little me go, from being
loved, cared and protected
a walking sunshine
whaetever the seaon
from being unbotherd and innocent
...

To making pretend,
protecting myself
and not trusitng anymore
building up walls
high and higher

Hiding away in his little fantasiy worlds
strong, and invulnurable
always on top
the hero
to save the day
no one can reach me here,
no one can hurt me here

Avoiding real life whenever,
avoiding the outside
shying away
fleeing when possible
An outcast trying to find something to hold onto
with a weakening grip

You have to do this on your own
you think
the world is bad outside
it doesn't welcome you
like the others

Better to keep away
Don't move, keep quiet
no sound,
stay hidden
in the background
this way
they might overlook and forget,
they might not notice you

Who hurt you this much?
I've long forgotten,
the origin of my instincts
I've survived and have to unlearn now.
unravel

Be safe little one,
be patiend,
try to be kind to yourself,
at least a little kinder

It really never ends does it?
There is no stop, no pause, no finish line,
there is no pleasing you.

I have to hit the breaks,
or crash,
Going down in flames.

The first rays of warm sunlight
on your skin
after the winter break.

Feels like a warm embrace
when your body is starved of touch.

Hints of fresh air
as petals blossom
and the sea water starts warming up.

Let's meet,
Let's revel
Oh to live again.

Leave me
Give up on me
To the lost and found
To gather dust in the dark

We'll only end up hurting each other

Evertime
I think I understand
I've finally figured it out
How to feel better

I lose the thread
Unraveld to knots
Displayed in my hands

It ends up leaving me
As empty as before
Drops on hot stone
Vaporizing in an instant

Running after firsts
First kiss, ***, realationship
More friends, better friends
Opening up more

Find work, find better work
Don't get sick again,
Stay healthy

Work out,
Get stronger,
Look better

Travel to the other side of the world
Away from what you know
Different places, same ****

What's next on the agenda?
A child?
A family?

Colletreal damage
In the making
The joker is missing from the deck

I need to fix myself first
Unhealthy means unable
To provide and protect
And what am I worth then?

In the meantime
I grow lonely, needy
I get lost again and again
Circumstances are never ideal

Why even bother
Trying to find a suitable partner
Against the odds

Just to let new, old problems surface
Time to get messed up, again
Designed to fail from the start
"Don't fall for the first person you meet"

You can only go step by step
For so long
What steps to what end again?

How can I be stuck
Now
In a stalemate?

All I asked for was
To be better
To be heathy
And to be at peace

Where did I go wrong?
I followed my instincts
Trying to do the right thing
Like everyone else

How am I supposed to walk the right path?
It remains hidden in the dark
Next to all these bright ones
Out shining me

I'm left guessing
And I'm guessing wrong

If I look up
I still can't see the summit
Hidden in the clouds

If I look down
I get dizzy from the height
Seeing how far I've come

The further I go the thinner the air
I'm out of breath, of will, of life
A lack of substance

If I think to much
About the path I'm on
All the crossroads and obstacles ahead
I panic and trip

But
If I manage to hold on
To take a moment
and catch my air

Then it s that I can see
Just for a glimpse

How beautiful the view
And exciting the journey

Before I go on
Get back to managing it

Yesterday and tomorrow
Blurry
Always look the same
Months become years
In a flash

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
Another January the first
Pay day, Mayday
There's rent to pay
I always wanted to be able to afford groceries

One day
I'll make it out
I'll break the cicle
Step out

One day
But no today
Today I break down
And go to bed early

Gotta get a headstart on that upcoming exhaustion

What a funy description
of walking the edge

waiting for the fall

Take me, take me in
pull me closer
and brush my skin.

Here's my lips, my face,
kiss me, have a seat
Oh, what a sweet embrace.

Take control of me, please.
I don't want to hold the reigns.
You have me on my knees.

Before you.
Leave yor marks on me.

I try to spread
As much light as I get
Leave the world a brighter place
And still protect myself in the process

Yet
I myself always lean to the dark
For the comfort of it's safety
Afraid to be blinded
Afraid to be emberassed
Being out in the open

I'm scared
Please don't hurt me

Stop now for a minute,
it's overtaken you.
Let's list off our problems, one by one,
and you know a couple more too.
Follow with your plans, your dreams, glimpses of the future
open to us or seemingly so.
Is that really what I want or did someone tell me to?

Let's see where that leads us,
what reasons, what cause, what solutions are there?
Where do we stand, or stumble
what ground do we share?
Who could we ask for help, who could we lean on,
who would  actually care?
It's hard to find someone like that really ,yeah really anywhere.
With no family, no friend, no partner life's hard to  bear.

Don't forget to breathe,
be brave, be strong. no even stronger
Continue to for a bit, before we leave,
go on, can't you?
Just a little longer

When I think of the future panic rises.

Like magnets spinning in the air
we lose each other just to find us again
you pull me in

Like grans puzzle pieces on white table cloth
we find out how we stick together
we add to each other, to make a hohle

Isn't it curious how you can spend a lifetime
going unnoticed.
Alone with all your small habits and thoughts.

The more people are around you the easier it is
to become invisible.
The last person on earth among others

There must be
a special factory
somewhere in the world
hidden away
with care

It would shape the clouds
as they come in molds
all fluffy
in pink, orange, yellow and white

It sends them out
grazing the sky
like flocks of sheep
peacefully aloft

And then suddenly
all grey and dark
boasting big,
almost bursting open on the spot
carrying all that weight
crackling with lightning
so full of energy

But so patient,
holding on
waiting
trying so hard
till the right moment arrives

Last stop of the line
destination reached
time for a festive hosting
to let it all out
let it fall

Refresh the world
with new air
a change of pace
a quick break for us all

Rip open
with bursting thunder
you deserve it
let go now
little big cloud
you've been so bave

You carried it all
kept it in you
for how long I can only imagine
and how far you must have come
be proud

Surely
the wind alone
can not make up all these shapes
I see
when I lay down in the grass
looking up
you're here with me

Watch
look at the sky
watch 'em go by
never tyring from reinventing
it's ever changing
infinite forms

So
surely
there must be
hidden away somewhere
in this world

a little cloud factory

I'm leaving for a while

left with the wind, just like that
Hopefully it won't affect your smile
not to much at least, well maybe a little.
Hopefully without me you'll still have a shoulder to lean on
just don't forget me and, you know, have to much fun on your own
while I'm gone.

While I'm gone to see
how the rain falls on the other side
how the light breaks in waterfalls
how the jungle sounds, all the oceans smell when the sun is shining a little to bright
How the desert sand feels running through my hands
running away like the time we had together.

How many ways are there up the mountain,
to make me feel alive again?
The view from the peak as my reward

To go where the earth, water and sky meet, become one
for me to walk on
Where hills become rainbows for me to climb
Take the same steps, same roads as the people of the past
civilizations long gone
I wish we could share it ,
all the spices o the world on the tip of my tounge

I'm looking for peace, for kidness, for love
Let's find out if life is really worth living,
let's see if I can find it, my way of life
tucked away, hidden in a treasure trove

Not only to witness but to experience it,
first hand, for a change
Be part of a story
add lines to the lyrics of their songs
Instead of just being part of the audience,
the reader turning page after page
Take the plunge and see where it leads me,
what else is in my range?

I wish getting there would be a little gentler tho,
I could use a little bravery and courage before the scary part.

I hope when I make it back we'll still be the same,
although we all will have changed of course
I know nothing lasts for ever, we will lose each other eventually,
but
I'm not quite ready to accept that yet
and I hope I never will be.
Some things are just to good not to hurt in the end.

I miss my time with you already
it still tastes bitter to just leave like that
I can't wait to see you again
spend time like we used to, remember?
Talk to you soon in different times my friend.

I grew up loved
yet I feel unworthy of it

I don't deserve,
can't accept the happiness

Mother what heave you done
What am I to make of this?

I just want it to stop ,
stop feeling like this

There's no purpose for this kid
Good times have never lasted long here.

I'm sorry but.
I have words in my head.
I have to let some of them out at least.
Make space, I'm grasping for breath.

Things that are meant to be shared

Laughter, good company, time, love, your bed,
quiet night talks, star gazing, creation, art,
one drink too many,
your lips
Music, food, accomplishments
Your tears, pain and struggles
Happy or sad?
The big moments and the small ones
Clothes, stories, experience, travels and your space.

Did I mention the food?

I need you to let go
let go off the " how are you" 's and " how you're doing" 's
stop touching me
all the time, all so casually
It's not okay.

I have a natural talent for causing chaos,
causing mayhem
A masters degree in clumsiness,
Been practicing it my hole life really

All those white shirts stained
right after the first bite
Eating my meals next to the plate,
glass shards shattered on the floor
Freshly opend cans filled to the rim flooding over
The sock that fell into the tea
The locked doors and forgotten details,
tokens, mementos left behind

Corners and doors hugging me tight on my way out,
a quick stabbing pain,
it's pull not push
Appointments lost cause I got it wrong,
wrong time, wrong place
the ungathering

Even more so when I'm tired or put on the spot
the chaos of first meetings, first dates spilling out into the world

Arrogance is not an option
for me
luckily,
this disposition of mine
keeps me sane, keeps me humble

It grounds me
this constant pull of gravity.

You make me laugh louder
Than anybody else does
And making me feel safe with you
Just by being near me

I can tell you anything
I can be anyone with you
I can trust you,
Even depend on you

High in contrast
To my usual life
You came into my life so easily
A friend send to me by a friend

A summer breeze
Cominig through a slight gap
In the window
Bursting it open

Letting in the light