With every brearth
and every heartbeat

"not good enough"

die trying
or die hiding?

Every day screams

give in,
give up,
give in,

into my face.

Your lips my lips,
apocalypse.
.
Is that my thought or just another song lyric?
.
If all the thoughts have been made before
all the actions been taken
walked down every road
.
Am I even my own person
or just a replicant,
an open transmitter broadcasating?

;
You are human, not a moth.
Choose your flame.
And burn.
Burn.

love
hate
peace?

never
ever
again?

whole
broken
design of mine?

hope
despair
endlessly

forever ever after
dead or alive

Hand me an axe

Point me to the nearest forest
to cut down

Hand me a shovel
tell me which way the river should flow

Maybe than I could be fulfilled
in anohter pointless enterprise

Tell me what to do
I don't want to be responsible for myself anymore

To travel the world
and shoot the palces I've seen
the books I've read
and the stories I've visited.
.
To share them with you
for when I'm gone
you get to see where I've been,
who I've become.

Stop whinig
sit down,
breathe
eat what I cooked for you
rest
stop being so ******* yourself
start taking care of yourself better
and let me love you.

Please

You magnificent, beautiful fool.

she jumped from the coffins lying in the window screen,
death casually says hello,
while we're strolling through the city
,
but when it comes knocking for real,
racing right up to her,
she stays still.

One day, at the children's faire
You find yourself stuck at the mirrors cabinett

Out of sight of your parents
You follow your friends
Walk beside them like you always did
But all of the sudden there is no room for you left besidse them
"Just have to walk behind them then"
You think

Spaced out for a moment
They just went straight ahead
In confindence and innocence, unbothered
But stepping where they stepped
You hit glass
"What's this now? I don't want this"
The road is blocked for you
While others just continue to walk on by

Your face, a slightly damp reflection
Shows suprise, anger and irritation
It looks scared
"Why can't I just go on, like they are?"

Okay then, you think
"I'll just have to find my own way now"
After taking a break
Crying and whining for weeks
"He missed school, whatever happend to him?
Let's write a get well soon card"
Getting further and further away from them
Being left behind really hurts
"Don't you love, me what did I do wrong?"

Sure you can call out, you can scream and shout
And struggle all you want
Adults have a word for that, he's "acting out"
Maybe some even will wait for you, for a while
Try to help and understand
The fewest do, and only for so long
They can offer you a hand
Before they have to turn away, go back to their own lifes
You're holding them back
Can't you see?

There is much excitement a little up the way
Once you're out of the labyrinth
Promises of popcorn and sugary delights
Of first nervous dates and bumpy faire rides
Blinking lights and short harmless frights
Nobody wants to stumble at the starting line
When it's about finishing the race in time

Life is decided in moments
A bag of decisions and "things that just happend to me"
To carry along, as long it's not to heavy
As long as it's not pulling you down
Deep underwater in darkness you will drown
Just struggeling to breathe normally
While watching others run marathons
From your enclosed space

Always watching your refelcetion in the mrror
Looking back at you, judging you
Which side is real?
Who hates whom more?
Try to ignore the panic building up inside
Transforming in time to fear, to anger, sadness,  self pity
To loneliness, hate and then just emptiness
Full cicle

Did you fail the game or did the game fail you?
For how long can you hold out, stuck in the same place
With nothing but promises and a hole in your tummy
Eating yourself up from the inside out?

Someties I wish I could relive some of the firsts
They're always so fleeting in the moment you're in
They pass to quickly in the panic of the unkown,
leaving no chance to aprreciate what is being presented to you.

The first time seeing the ocean
smelling the salty air, toes buried in the sand
Trying to gift you all the pretty shells and stones the beach holds
Listening to the waves coming and leaving,
you're putting an open shell to my ear
Mom
I'm on your shoulders now, counting all the sails on the horizon
I'm their Captain now, they ought to listen to my command
Dad
Seagulls shouting from above, salt in the water and on my lips
My finger digging deep,
challenging the ocean with little walls and ditches of dirt.

The first sleepover at your house, my friend
staying up late gaming, jumping in lakes
Pretentious wine glasses in our hands filled with sweet,cheap energy
All these books, stories yet unexplored, so eager to be opend,
Before the fireplace,
Embers cracking, giving warmth to our conversations
till the sun comes up
The morning dew smells fresh and pink and we're falling asleep.

The first time this one cute girl laughed a bit to loud at something stupid I said,
Approaching you carefully, testing out the water
Drunkenly leaning on to you, getting closer.
My piercing caught in your fishnet,
You caught me
Waking up in the morning next to you
"What happend, I can't remember?"
The first kiss and the second first, both equally akward
Do you want to be my girl?
Y / N / Maybe?
Maybe this time I gift you the lighter I bought for you the day after we met
Maybe this time I can explain to you how confused you left me.

Oh this little lost boy never knew what he was doing,
He still has no clue.

All these special little moments lining up to a lifetime gone by,
So many of them, getting fewer and fewer by the day
Not good or bad, mean, beautiful or disappointing yet
just beyond of it all,
A plain new adventure, a shot in the dark
in this life you're trying to live right going forward
but you'll only ever understand in retrospective.

When it's to late.

I really wish I could cry sometimes, you know
For my on sake, not that of others
Be it real or fictional

I have a hohle in my tummy, my chest
and it's aching
aching
aching

If I had someone, if I had you
to hold me close at night or day
If you would be mine, and I would be yours
Could you save me?
Or would I just drag you down with me?
Into the mud

Makes me want to swallow a gun,

pull the trigger til the chamber is empty.

All I have is you,
my work,
and the privilege of being young,
of having time to waste away.
All I have is you.

Wrong day, wrong start
Wrong clothes, wrong hair, wrong voice
I'm scared
Wrong moves, wrong words, wrong thoughts
To loud, to bright, to much
Can't stay
I need to get away
Don't talk to me

Kind thoughts, self talk
Forced
Avoid all mirrors, avoid all triggers
So any input at all
Hide in your room
Closed curtains, cold showers
Something bland to eat
A comfort show on in the background, on repeat

Wait till the day is over
Go to sleep
It's okay

But what if tomorrow looks the same?

hey
she's cute

R U N

It was just
to much *******
to many broken pieces
not enough love
to mend

so

let me ease my mind
release
you're gonna carry that weight
you will
beyond hell or heaven

I keep wasing my hair,
hoping you will run your fingers through.
I shave hoping you will touch my cheeks,
I keep changing my sheets longing for you,
everyday.

Finally
You are an answer
to a question long longing,
burning through
a hole in my  chest
my being.

A temporary answer perhaps
a substitute,
an overripe fruit picked from a tree
before falling, breaking, molding
bursting open
unconditionally?

But that hohle was my furnace
that fire my flame
without it
what even am I?
doing?
here?
with you?
without you?
leave me, hold me

Call me by your name.

"You know,
I knew I liked you from the momet I first saw you
Did you?"

" No
Back then you were a girl  and I was a fool

You are a women now.
Smart, funny, breathtaking beautiful
I adore you so much it hurts

And I'm still a fool
A fool for you"

Flashing lights and neon sings
You're wearing horns líke a halo above your head
and spread out in ink,
are wings across your back.

Your hips are moving, lips are blooming in crimson red.
Leaving your scent behind like a tail
a silver thread, a lost shoe
an open invitation for someone who might want to follow,
might want to fall for you.

Smoke in the air blending in with the collected noise,
muffled laughter,
shouting of countless people in a single voice.

The night air is filling your lungs,
rain drops down your hair, down your cheeks
hiding your tears til the morning comes.

Your shirt is getting wet ,you can feel it on your skin
Life's soaking through,
tonight you'll be dancing amongst your kin.

Music is playing aloud, the bass is resonating in your bones
You're vibing,
it's waking up your body, your soul, drowning out your thoughts,
Don't think, just move and feel
let your instincts take over,
finally you can bring your worries to heel.

Roaming through a maze of dim rooms,
clutching your drink you stumble, you wander.
Till you find someone to hold on to for the night
skin on skin,
There will be plenty of time left later,
to reflect and ponder.

Here looks and lips get locked
in an active, meaningless exchange
Their fingernails caressing the back of your neck
you close your eyes, surrender, let go of control,
Can you feel it?
The spectrum layed out in front of you?
Your full emotional range

Hello,
nice to meet you, nice to have met
good night, good morning,
It's time to lay down now, let's head to bed.

Now that the night is gone by,
it was over before I knew,
time is up,
tomorrow I might still smell of you.