Do you ever watch yourself becoming someone
you don't wanna be,
don't wanna end up as,

But you can't help it, can't stop it
just try to hold on
because of other peoples actions?

Staying kind while going through life is hard
I am the monster you created

My inner child
is still here
with me
watching

Staring blankly into space
his eyes tired, arms drooping
yet his legs still dangling in the air

Looking up
a quick flash of a sad smile, crooked
he looks so thin, so weak
it's hard for me to bear

He's beaten
but still here
with me
still has hope

Waiting for a better future
that's yet to come
to make it all worth it

I'm telling him,
telling you, really
to give up,
look away
this part isn't for you to see

This part of my life
has  lost all it's innocence
what has choosing to stay kind
really given us in the end?
What have we gained?

It's not a pretty sight,
quite emberassing really
I don't believe yet here I am
still holding on,
to something

Survival isn't supposed to be pretty

One of humanities biggest flaw
might be
that we die to young
and forget to quickly

You spend all your life
figuring out who you are
where you belong
grasping for a purpose

Trying to figure out
your faults and problems
Are those yours
or just inheritance?

Trying to remember
what went wrong in the past
Clinging to a made up story,
half reinvented anyway
Trying to learn, to predict, to better yourself
to fix yourself

Reclaim what was lost
pick out
the good from the bad
what's to keep and
what must go

And then
after years of reflection,
of trial and error
when you finally feel like
you might have a clue
...

You're over
your body's beaten and sore
your time has passed
Your mind, your body, your soul
broken down, taken apart
rebuild over and over

Each time wearing thinner and thinner
all of your energy is gone,
invested and spend
in your pursuits
How noble

You might find yourself
trying to teach whoever's dear
what you've concluded
what you have learned.

They won't listen
just as you did
in the past

The rumbling of the old
is white noise to young minds
The loud silence of age
The wisdom in the pause
of important teachings
lost in thought

A flickering lamp
in the dark
on it's last breath
covered in dust

On it's last moments
surronded by nothing but moths,
misguided creatures
clinging to warmth, to the flame

Desperate to find a way,
to find rest
or maybe simply
not to be
alone.

Short lived lifes to an old one now lost,
and laid
to rest

Actors are super human
They can feel on demand
On repeat

I don't know how to live life
right,
right?

Can't **** myself either

In theroy
I had a perfect enviroment growing up
for happiness

Safe, supported, nourished,
cared for
Yet I've almost always felt
mistreated,
unhappy, miserable
hurt and alone

as long as I can remember

I think there has been a mistake
a defect in manufacturing, perhaps
so please pull me back
this faulty good
will only damage your reputation

Geh!
Geh weiter
Such dir einen Anderen
Wen besseren
Einen der dich lieben kann
Mit Zukunft und so

Ich bin nichts für dich
Kann nicht da sein
Nicht wirklich
Viel zu taub
Schon zu lange leer

Hoffnungslos ists mit mir, hier
Der Stecker ist gezogen, der Stöpsel raus
Laufe nur noch weiter bis  mir das Licht ausgeht
Nur noch wandelnde Hülle
Warmes Fleisch, ja
Aber kein Nährboden
Zumindest solange ich noch atme

Romantisch geht hier gar nichts mehr
Alles tote Hose

Who are you
when doors shut close
your friends in another room?
When no one's watching?
Only you and your consciousness remain.

Your hidden sides creep out,
bones aching pulling down,
demons crawling forth,
insects nibbling at your skull
The past comes knocking,
flooding in
with whisperd words


Memories are haunting
you can evade them in company
but you're all alone now.
Can't drown them out now.
Can't look away now.
Do you see?

Is that really me?
Or am I the other person

If the human race is a species
based on community for it's survival,
why are there mechanisms,
that make living together harder?

When mating and reproduction
is my basic,
animalistic task in life,
then why is there a feeling like embarrassment
or shame
that stops me,
freezes me in my tracks?
Preventing me from fufillment

If evolution is adaption to the enviroment
why is the system so inconvenient,
so complex and fragile, unintuitive
why am I so flawed?

Our survival measures can be as dangerous to us
as the threats they protect us from
Survival makes up most of our life
You either build up, maintain, protect or recover.
Happiness is not necessary part of that desgin,
desirable yet not crucial to the construct,
a mean to an end.

Why is there a build in conflict of interest
between my body and mind
so
me and myself?
What I need versus what I want?

What's the point
to all this complications,
to all this struggle?
My life is designed to end, sure
But then why make it so hard,
so easy to become miserable
and so hard to remain fulfilled?

Society is the logical answer to survivability
against nature.
But it's also feels like poison
Poison to my mind,
polution to my bones.

[Marcus] Some feelings
are like old familiar friends.
Depression's like that for me.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness,
but it's… different to feel it again.

It's the difference between
remembering what a room looks like
and actually walking through the door.
Being inside it again.
Feeling it.

When the episode starts,
it can be slow at first.
An intrusive thought,
"I don't wanna be here,"
but then it's gone.
You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell.

When it hits you fully though,
when you're really in it, it's everything.
It's who you are, you're nothing else.

On the outside, you look the same,
smiling and pretending is so much work,
but inside, it's a different story.

You start to hate yourself.
You're so alone, so unbelievably alone.

And you can be with someone you love,
but you're not really with them.
We think we know what's going on
with other people, but we don't.
You never really know what's going on
inside someone else's head.
Everyone's fighting a battle
you can't see.
We all have blind spots.

And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you,
and it's also exhausting.
So ******* ****** and exhausting,
and it's helpless.

It's a void,
and existing takes so much energy,
you wanna sink into a hole of nothing
where no one talks to you
and you don't have to smile or talk or be.

Anyway, it's familiar.
I've been here before,
gotten out of it before,

but the getting out part
becomes the room that you remember
but aren't in.

And that's what's scary.

After
Nights like this
Hundreds of drinks later
Hundreds of people
Shallow like the thick air
You breathe in there

After
Total ups and downs
Oh what euphoria it is,
Riding out highs to the ground
Past the point of throwing up,
Throwing it all away

When the shakes stop
Your fists still hurting
From punching the door
On your way out
"I'm taking five"
A small number

A couple breaths
Curled up
Next to the toilet
Completly overwhelmed
In and out
Should I just go?

Dancing
Behind the stick
Pouring promises of a quick escape
No remorse's found here
No moderation cause
"Tonight we go big
Time to forget ourselves"
To let go of all reason

Melting bonds
Together with your people
We've gone through the fire trials
Together
We do it, again and again
Together

When you can't smell the smoke
Any longer
Hovering in the air
When you can't hear the music
Anymore
A "boom, boom, boom" to the background

When your sweat forms a salty smile
On your shirt
Your face, a pale grimace
Void of any emotion
At this point
Teeth clenched, throat sore
You don't matter anymore

It's us against them
Who will give in first?
Their thirst for more
Or my arms, my legs,
My patience?

They are a constant demand,
For more
Total ignorance,
In pure bliss pure preassure
Ego printed out on paper
Left on the table or thrown at you
On their way out
Pick it up when you clean this mess

When it's over for the night
You come to a stop
Silence
As the world wakes up
And comes alive again,
Slowly

The sun gently lights your face
On your way home
A bit of shelter
Warmth and quiet
A bit of peace

Finally excused,
You hurry home
A couple hours of rest and resignationt
The adrenaline wore off
Put a check behind yesterday
It's over and done

Four, five, six
Hours
A quick bite, sleep, repeat
Rest
The to do list of today
Already delivered to your pocket

Time's up
You blinked twice
You said you wouldn't do that anymore
Have to get going now, have to get back
Have to function again
Be there in five

Only then it is,
That you realize
You enjoy losing yourself
In the struggle
In this swirl ******* you in
Deeper and deeper

Time passes
Quicker and quicker
Just a little more
And I can give up
I can give in

And leave everything behind
Leave all reason
Leave all trouble
Awake but unconscious
Dead or alive
Night or day

Look,
How messed up you have become
For a nicle and a dime
Your life's gone grey, gone grim
Gone bitter

It's after nights like this
That you get the hint of a feeling
That you went wrong somewhere
Togehter with a clear feeling
Of deserving it
You deserve to end here

I just want to be able to cry again
why can't I cry anymore?
When did that happen?

I just want some relieve
Please
just for a little bit

Yesterday and tomorrow
Blurry
Always look the same
Months become years
In a flash

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday
Another January the first
Pay day, Mayday
There's rent to pay
I always wanted to be able to afford groceries

One day
I'll make it out
I'll break the cicle
Step out

One day
But no today
Today I break down
And go to bed early

Gotta get a headstart on that upcoming exhaustion

Hi, you up?

I'm a curious person
I gotta ask, I gotta know

What's it like
To hug you from behind?
What are you like
When there is no one else around
beside me and you?

I hold you now closely
In my mind
To my chest
Upclose
My face in your hair

What’ it like?
To hold hands , your skin on my skin
What’s the taste of your lips
When we kiss?
The taste of your neck
As I am doubling down?

Experiments of chemistry
Are conducted in the dark.
Your pretty face blushing
Your perfum in my nose
Your neck plus my palm
The rising tension in between
Laws of attraction
What does it all add up to?

To hear you breathe,
Your whispered words
To hear your mind shut off,
Your voice slip out
As it grows louder and louder
And finally give in

Give up
Surrender your controll
To me
Give me permission,
Please
I beg you
Let me take over
Let me take care of you

Green light, red light
Lights out
Now switch

Oh to just trace your curves
To do it
Over and over
Up and down
Again and again
Togehter and apart
You have me mesmerized

What’s it like for to time lose it’s meaning?
To get lost intertwined
Inseparably?
Our feet to be indistinguishable
From each other
From the end of the bed?
How soft are your thighs?
Careful I bite
Will you leave your marks on me?

Please,
You have me on my knees
Before you
You have me
All of me
I worship you women

I’m actually nervous
I hope I don’t bore you
I hope I’m enough
For I’m already lost

The shape of your breast already imbedded
The memory of us forever burned in my mind
As a precious little thing we did back then
Do you remember?
Will you remember me?

It takes the breeze to cool us off
Drenched in sweat
Sunk in each other
The magical hour
When walls fall down and secrets come out
When bonds are formed
In the cover of the night

Time to rest
To fall asleep,
Wake up next to each othe in the morning to come
Togehter?

Tell me
What’s it like?
To share a cigarette,
Coffe in the morning.
How do you take it?
Black, no milk no sugar?

Let’s go for a walk.
Let’s eat, I’ll cook
Let’s do it today, tomorrow and the day after
Till days turn to weeks
and weeks to How-was-your-day‘s
Tell me.

What's it like
In the night?
Laying next to you?
What’s it like to wake up
next to you?
For now and ever?

What are you like
Upclose?

Cutie
What I'm saying is
I'd like to take you out

Wenn Kinder auf Panzern spielen
Noch nicht lange still gelegt
Ist es ein gutes oder ein schlechtes Zeichen?

Touristenattraktion Nummer drei
Liegt auf dem Weg
Wir kommen vorbei
Mach mal ein Foto

Eine friedvolle Szene?
Oder nur die Feuerpause
Zwischen Blitz und Gewitter?
Wo schlägt er diesmal ein?
Wie weit ist entfernt?
Sind wir hier sicher?

Helden der letzten Generation
Zu Bette dort unten in der Erde
Hört nicht hin
Lasst eure Augen geschlossen
Ruhet in Frieden
Ihr habt genug gelitten

Ich will noch nicht nach Hause
Papa nimmst du mich auf den Arm?
Mama kann ich ein Eis haben?
Die Sonne *******noch
Noch ist es warm

There's no time
to turn my worries into poetry
to build a structure
frame it
hang it up nicely

It has to come out, out, out
come out now

How many differnet scents
can a book take on
over the course of it's lifetime?

A new addition
to your treasure cave
Stories wanting to be found

Here I am, again
Alone
Getting the universal feeling
Of not getting what I deserve
Shocking I know

Of not getting out what I put in
Getting back what I give
Aren't I silly?
Do I deserve?

I try to do everything right
When possible
And of course I fail
So do you I suppose?

Be kind, be supportive, be there
Help out where I can
Listen, give advice,
Try to remember the important stuff
All that's so fleeting to my mind

Check in with you,
"What are you doing today?"
Bring little gifts
Show you how much you matter

Show how much you mean to me
Through my actions and letters
"You've been on my mind"

Offer my shoulder, my ear, my hands, my thoughts

Make myself likeable,
Make myself calm, soft
No threat here, no anger
A safe space

Compromise for others
Often without being asked
Or thanked for
Appreciation is hard to come by

"Please don't forget about me
Please include me
Please don't leave me behind"

Sometimes I get bitter
Sometimes I feel empty and weak
And don't have much to offer
Seclude myself to safety
But I try don't I?

I don't see you doing it much
You apologize
You promised better

Yet you forgot my birthday again
Like last year

It's okay I do it too
No bother
I should have reminded you

Yet you didn't find time to visit me in the hospital
When I had to learn how to walk again
No promises for the future

It's okay,
I hid how bad it was
How could you have known
When I was only gone for half a year

Yet, if I don't write first
Then there is no conversation?

I have to announce to the world
Exactly what is wrong with me,
For you to listen

I have to show up
On your doorstep
In crutches
And wait for you to let me in
For you to see
Are you even there?

You know me,
You know my struggles and my compassion
You know my shadows and that
Often they're stronger than me
And dark thoughts take over

So why do you forget about me
So quickly?
Why don't you send a little love?
A litle goes a long way for me

To know I don't have to do it all alone
Like I used to be
To know there is someone
There for me too

A little warmth in my chest
Against the storm of my mind
A little light against the shadows creeping
A little company for the hohle in my tummy
Of fear and insecurity

But it's okay
I'm used to it right?
Gotta be more patient,
Gotta go on giving,
Go on
Be
Understanding,
Compromise, how to

Cause
My anger isn't justified
Right?

Love to me, is like going to a concert

mouthing the words to a song that I don't know the lyrics to
with a voice that I don't have.
Tears in my eyes
surronded by strangers
who all feel the same,

but they're not the same.

You said I'd be like a guardian angel,
to you
a knight in shining armor.
You trust me completly
You let yourself go

Please don't elevate me like that
Not when I could hit you
and you'd stay
stay still
stay still with me.

You don't have healthy boundries
at all
and how could you?
When no on ever taught you
taught you to care for you.

That power scares me
the power you give me over you
It acts corrupting
There is something rotten here
something you are yet to see
that you're slowly bringing out of me.

I keep it locked behind the curtains
of the stage we're acting on
We are comitted to our roles now
Hide and seek we play

I hide, you seek
all fun and games

Now
The make up is slowly  coming undone
We're spilling tears and sweat.
I sweat you cry.
I can't cry, you do it for me!

How much time is left,
till I get bored or you see me for me?

Meeting you
I understand now

Why hands need to be held
And lips urge to be kissed

Evertime
I think I understand
I've finally figured it out
How to feel better

I lose the thread
Unraveld to knots
Displayed in my hands

It ends up leaving me
As empty as before
Drops on hot stone
Vaporizing in an instant

Running after firsts
First kiss, ***, realationship
More friends, better friends
Opening up more

Find work, find better work
Don't get sick again,
Stay healthy

Work out,
Get stronger,
Look better

Travel to the other side of the world
Away from what you know
Different places, same ****

What's next on the agenda?
A child?
A family?

Colletreal damage
In the making
The joker is missing from the deck

I need to fix myself first
Unhealthy means unable
To provide and protect
And what am I worth then?

In the meantime
I grow lonely, needy
I get lost again and again
Circumstances are never ideal

Why even bother
Trying to find a suitable partner
Against the odds

Just to let new, old problems surface
Time to get messed up, again
Designed to fail from the start
"Don't fall for the first person you meet"

You can only go step by step
For so long
What steps to what end again?

How can I be stuck
Now
In a stalemate?

All I asked for was
To be better
To be heathy
And to be at peace

Where did I go wrong?
I followed my instincts
Trying to do the right thing
Like everyone else

How am I supposed to walk the right path?
It remains hidden in the dark
Next to all these bright ones
Out shining me

I'm left guessing
And I'm guessing wrong

If I look up
I still can't see the summit
Hidden in the clouds

If I look down
I get dizzy from the height
Seeing how far I've come

The further I go the thinner the air
I'm out of breath, of will, of life
A lack of substance

If I think to much
About the path I'm on
All the crossroads and obstacles ahead
I panic and trip

But
If I manage to hold on
To take a moment
and catch my air

Then it s that I can see
Just for a glimpse

How beautiful the view
And exciting the journey

Before I go on
Get back to managing it

I'm a man

Hate me, hit me, **** me,
Insult me, ghost me, spit me in the face.
Destoy me, my life.

No one notices,
No one cares

Will I ever not be
Back on that school yard
Or in my mothers kitchen?
Back in that prison of thought?
I'm always under fire in my head

All my escape plans go in circles
It's roots run deep
Underground
They'll never see the light of day

Whatever you'll say
whatever you'll do

I'll never be good enough
in my own head

Whatever happens,
that's not gonna change

What is it about freckles
about cute cuts and tops,
about sunflowers and pastel colours?

Green, blue, brown, yellow and grey
and everything in between
staring into your eyes, mesmerized

What about shapes and curves?
Up, down, in and out
you caught my attention
in a net of your facets

What is it about your scent, your expressions
your smile, your laugh
that makes me chase you?
Act fool

I keep replaying our moments together
when we aren't
together
chasing you in my mind
Until next time

What is this magic
that makes me ignore all my principles
risk my safety, my freedom
for nothng but a possibility
mere chance?

Let's find out, let it play out

I'm doomed but that's okay
if only I can be near you again
Lay down in your arms,
at least for a little while.

Go down,
lay down
stay down,
grovel at the ground

Give up
dont try
to get up, again
it's not worth it

Hardship doesn't go away when you turn from it
and not when you face it either,
maybe,
just for a little time
you can avoid the confrontation
or earn you a break
you'll need it then

Maybe it just never goes away
truly
no end in it's design

Clingy *****

I'm 23 now (24,25,...)
and already so tired
Tired of it all
the constant struggle
for sustain, for mediocrity
compromise what makes you you and feel alive

How much longer
Do i have to go on?

How long will you keep believing
what was promised to you?
How long can you wait
for the promised payout
that you're still hoping, wishing, begging for?

I just want to be healthy and happy
in life
why is that so hard to get,
so hard to keep
alive?
Am I asking to much?
Shouldn't that be the minimum?

Dear body, dear mind, dear soul
What's the point of survival
without a good reason to stay alive for?

And what's the alternative when dying isn't an option either?
I still do want to go on, my body wants to live
it has an agenda, a mind of it's own

Still hasn't had enough, still isn't fed up,
no energy left to spend,
no  feelings, no anger left to vent
it still holds on, teeth clenched it claws, it crawls on

Just indifference and that little cursed hope
that keeps me from letting go completly,
keeps me holding on.

I like to create
I like books and music
and I get lonely sometimes.

That's all I can say for certain.

cause peace was never an option

Did you know?
Octopuses change colour when they sleep
Are you dreaming little guy?
And they punch other fish from time to time
Dolphins and elephants give each other names and orcas have regional accents
Crows never forget a face
Cats see us as  other ver big, very clumsy cats
Otters have a favourite rock and hold hands
And baby giraffes rely on the impact of the ground to draw their first breath?
And fcking platypuses dude?
That time and space has to be totaly different for an animal with a strong sense of smell such as dogs because when you're out of sight you're still very near to them?

Did yo know?
Vegetables don't exist in botany
That the maps they taught us in school are a lie
Distorted in scale from the truth, making the US and Europe look bigger?
That almost all 21 century communication technology has origins in the scientific attempt to communiticate with the lost dead in a grief struck world after the first world war?
That history is just a story full of cover ups and holes?
That Australians veterans lost their war with an emu overpopulation in 1932?

We now have 7139 languages alive in the world
The one with the most words is Korean,
The one with the fewest is Toki Pora which communicates in concepts
That we different from 23 emotions in humans and asthetic appretiation is one of them?
Just because they're there doesn't mean we feel them
No wonder communication is so hard

A world where grown man long for tears like children jump in Puddles of rain fallen long ago (in their minds)
We're so ignorant to it all
And forget to quickly
Sometime whilst growing up we stop to wait and wonder
Make way, coming through, full speed ahead!
Think abot your future!
It's so horrible and beautiful at the same time
You're just another waling curiosity
What is consciousness and what has it done for you?
I another second you'll be gone
So worry less and move along

I am a mold,
Clay to be folded, kneaded, hardend, softened and burned,
to be formed by the tides and the wind
Layer by layer added and scraped again
to break and to be fixed

I am what  I consume
My enviroment makes me
shapes my personality
Untitled
At the time
The movies  watch, the books I read, the characters I envision
become the traits of my everyday demeanor
One, two, three faced
Living under curtains, quick glimpses from under the mask
Gemini personified

If my opinion, my beliefs, and through this my being
are influnecend so easily,
hand crafted, tailored for every stituation and encounter
Is there even such a thing as identity?
At what point do I lose myself through adaptive behaviour?
Who am I without you?
What's a reflection without the mirror?

Who is the true version of me,
the one you see or
the one  that comes out when no one's watching?

The future is a panic attack,
selfinflicted.
It's to much
I can't stop
neither stay in the same spot.