I feel like I need to scream
to let it all go
on top off a cliff
designated for such affairs
until my voice breaks, shatters

But I lost it long ago.

Leave me
Give up on me
To the lost and found
To gather dust in the dark

We'll only end up hurting each other

Cruelty
indifference

Lost alone
wih you

Imagine,
me staring to feel again

Crazy right?
Scary thoughts

Let's send out a message
I dictate

Dear heart,
I am trying

It's been so hard
living as a privileged ****

Lie
to us, to yourself

Like the rest of us
Despair

There's no time
to turn my worries into poetry
to build a structure
frame it
hang it up nicely

It has to come out, out, out
come out now

I replaced depression with indifference,
and indifference with hyperactivity

What happens if I stop moving?

I'm free falling
what a scary thought

imagine
hitting the ground without you
imagine
hurting you

I don't care about anything
don't bother me
leave me alone

there will always be a little of that
left in me
my last resort

A man waks his dog down the street

watch me dump ****
let's worship each other

Like magnets spinning in the air
we lose each other just to find us again
you pull me in

Like grans puzzle pieces on white table cloth
we find out how we stick together
we add to each other, to make a hohle

How many differnet scents
can a book take on
over the course of it's lifetime?

A new addition
to your treasure cave
Stories wanting to be found

I stood still for a moment,
my bad

I've forgotten how it felt
When I don't busy myself
all the time
When I don't cloud my mind
with insignificant things

I'm burned out to the foundation
The easiest tasks are mountains to climb
with no energy left, nor appettite or joy
There's a  constant weight on my chest
a hohle in my tummy,
and a heart beating so fast
for a body this numb

It beats "you're not good enough"
my breath whispers "pathetic"
my hands scream "how useless"
without the energy to make a fist.

Gravity is a merciless foe
pulling you down, inevitable
Sleep means unconsciousness,
not rest
At least a little peace

I do my best to give you the love you deserve
to show you what you're worth
as no one did before

I'm scared  tho of my growing indifference
You're begining to annoy me
when I should be welcoming your love
As you love me like no one has ever done before
like I've  been wanting to be loved
Wanting
for all the time stuck up in my room,
Selth loating, piting myself
"pathetic," in ,"pathetic" out

my bad,
it's a losing game

You said I'd be like a guardian angel,
to you
a knight in shining armor.
You trust me completly
You let yourself go

Please don't elevate me like that
Not when I could hit you
and you'd stay
stay still
stay still with me.

You don't have healthy boundries
at all
and how could you?
When no on ever taught you
taught you to care for you.

That power scares me
the power you give me over you
It acts corrupting
There is something rotten here
something you are yet to see
that you're slowly bringing out of me.

I keep it locked behind the curtains
of the stage we're acting on
We are comitted to our roles now
Hide and seek we play

I hide, you seek
all fun and games

Now
The make up is slowly  coming undone
We're spilling tears and sweat.
I sweat you cry.
I can't cry, you do it for me!

How much time is left,
till I get bored or you see me for me?

Stop now for a minute,
it's overtaken you.
Let's list off our problems, one by one,
and you know a couple more too.
Follow with your plans, your dreams, glimpses of the future
open to us or seemingly so.
Is that really what I want or did someone tell me to?

Let's see where that leads us,
what reasons, what cause, what solutions are there?
Where do we stand, or stumble
what ground do we share?
Who could we ask for help, who could we lean on,
who would  actually care?
It's hard to find someone like that really ,yeah really anywhere.
With no family, no friend, no partner life's hard to  bear.

Don't forget to breathe,
be brave, be strong. no even stronger
Continue to for a bit, before we leave,
go on, can't you?
Just a little longer

When I think of the future panic rises.

Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und und gibst du gibst,
gibst und nimmst.
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst und gibst
und kriegst nichts zurück
Und du gibst und gibst und gibst
und sprichst, doch sie verstehen dich nicht, einfach wieder nicht, einfach widerlich.
Und du gibst und gibst
und so gibt es für dich, schon wieder nichts.
Und du gibst noch mehr,
und du verlierst dich,
findest dich nicht mehr,
Du existierst kaum noch,
Wie lange ist es schon her?
Es muss ein neues Kapitel her,
denkst du und gibst ihnen mehr.
Und sie erwarten es von dir,
Und danken es dir nicht,
ja verdammt siehst du es denn nicht?
So, so nutzen sie dich.

Gotta keep busy
gotta work hard
keep my mind clouded, foggy, and dizzy
no room left for thoughts to start.

Burn myself out
so I won't go crazy
with these thoughts getting loud
my mind's staying hazy.

What's wrong with me?
Where did this come from
when did it start?
How is it, that any social interaction turns akward
conversations are falling apart?
That long pause in the end
that look of irritation, every time
a stab to my heart.

Stop questioning me
stop looking at me
stop judging me

Just because the ocean is vast
and the journey might last,
doesn't mean I can't run the ship into a sand bank

A wreck buried in the ground,
nowhere to be found.

The future is a panic attack,
selfinflicted.
It's to much
I can't stop
neither stay in the same spot.

I need you to let go
let go off the " how are you" 's and " how you're doing" 's
stop touching me
all the time, all so casually
It's not okay.

In life as in death
bury me in books, in stories
coverd in ink, in words long dried out.

I can't get myself to trust your embrace
I can't let go
of the prison walls I build
to keep myself safe
safe from you

When I work I burn out
when I stop working my mental issues surfcace again.
When I go to therapy my life is nothing but work and mental issues.

How can you raise a child
when you were never allowed to be one yourself?

Smoke in my lungs
to fill up the emptiness in my chest

Nicotine to my head
for when the world overwhelms me again

Once every day.

My past, the younger me
is watching, staring

While I reminisce,
look back and judge

I see me staring back.
A mirror on the wall.

I wanted to be healthy
to be happy, to be loved,

to stay kind whatever the struggle

None of it worked out

Whatever you'll say
whatever you'll do

I'll never be good enough
in my own head

Whatever happens,
that's not gonna change

Do you ever watch yourself becoming someone
you don't wanna be,
don't wanna end up as,

But you can't help it, can't stop it
just try to hold on
because of other peoples actions?

Staying kind while going through life is hard
I am the monster you created

Love to me, is like going to a concert

mouthing the words to a song that I don't know the lyrics to
with a voice that I don't have.
Tears in my eyes
surronded by strangers
who all feel the same,

but they're not the same.

I'd let you be part of my life more.

If you would stop being so desperate for it,
clinging to me like a parasite,
a scavanger picking at every bone I rid,
always meddling in our lifes alike.

So instead of letting you in I build my walls up higher,
grow colder every time.

Growing up I learned to protect myself from you,
from the damage your love could do.

I like to create
I like books and music
and I get lonely sometimes.

That's all I can say for certain.

What's it like,
being happy witout a care?
.
A puppy in the sun