For me I'd differ between different generations
by their poitical or social crisis happening in their time,
and the toys they used in their childhood.

What went wrong, what messed you up
and how did you distract yourself from it

Our common ground

One second,

for the broadest smile to shine,
for tears to form, dripping out of your eyes
waterfalls down your cheeks
An exchange of looks, a parting of ways
To shy to try
To say hi and goodbye

Two seconds
It's all it takes

For tires to screech leaving your bike under wheels
For your life to unfold and fade away,
to be changed forever,
a spiral out of control
downwards.

Three seconds is all it takes,

To say
I love you,
Thank you
Could you help me?
I'm glad you're here.
I woudn't know what to do without you

Imagine what you could do with a day

I believe one day you'll smile again, cry again
One day, you'll bike again
And believe me when I say
it's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be okay.

What is it about freckles
about cute cuts and tops,
about sunflowers and pastel colours?

Green, blue, brown, yellow and grey
and everything in between
staring into your eyes, mesmerized

What about shapes and curves?
Up, down, in and out
you caught my attention
in a net of your facets

What is it about your scent, your expressions
your smile, your laugh
that makes me chase you?
Act fool

I keep replaying our moments together
when we aren't
together
chasing you in my mind
Until next time

What is this magic
that makes me ignore all my principles
risk my safety, my freedom
for nothng but a possibility
mere chance?

Let's find out, let it play out

I'm doomed but that's okay
if only I can be near you again
Lay down in your arms,
at least for a little while.

I have a natural talent for causing chaos,
causing mayhem
A masters degree in clumsiness,
Been practicing it my hole life really

All those white shirts stained
right after the first bite
Eating my meals next to the plate,
glass shards shattered on the floor
Freshly opend cans filled to the rim flooding over
The sock that fell into the tea
The locked doors and forgotten details,
tokens, mementos left behind

Corners and doors hugging me tight on my way out,
a quick stabbing pain,
it's pull not push
Appointments lost cause I got it wrong,
wrong time, wrong place
the ungathering

Even more so when I'm tired or put on the spot
the chaos of first meetings, first dates spilling out into the world

Arrogance is not an option
for me
luckily,
this disposition of mine
keeps me sane, keeps me humble

It grounds me
this constant pull of gravity.

What a funy description
of walking the edge

waiting for the fall

Push me against the wall and pull me close
Turn me around and turn me on
Touch me, grab me, chain me up
Spank me, choke me, pin me down

C'mon let's play

Degrade me, praise me, refuse me my release
Keep adding to the heat
make me shiver, rise and fall,
so we can burn together

Add it to the hunger

Take control of me, make a mess of me
Make me beg and lose my mind
lose all my pride and senses, sense of time
Listen to me moan and whimper
Make me give in to your voice, to your touch

Eat up,

but respect me, care for me still
and hold me tight,
after you made me fall
Let's be intimate together
Please just love me the same

Never to go lonely again.

Things that are meant to be shared

Laughter, good company, time, love, your bed,
quiet night talks, star gazing, creation, art,
one drink too many,
your lips
Music, food, accomplishments
Your tears, pain and struggles
Happy or sad?
The big moments and the small ones
Clothes, stories, experience, travels and your space.

Did I mention the food?

Growing up
I didn't believe them when they said kindness
be'd strength
I always took it for weakness,
for vulnurability
Leaving yourself open like that ...
it's just asking to get used and hurt.

But how can it be weak
when you're facing viloence head on
with a gentle smile on your face
calmly
standing steady against the storm
Your feet buried in the ground
stubbornly saying
"I will not budge,
I will not be corrupted by your petty anger"

When you choose to stay kind
against the odds and bad experiences
You'll have to sacrifice, take hits
Again and again

Against spite and ignorance,
arrogance and self pity
Often standing alone
without much support or empathy
Cause people are scared and hide away
Compromising to avoid conflict

In a society of mistreated souls,
of misunderstandings
where we just keep lashing out and passing the blame,
the responsibility
A couple animals locked in the zoo
who can scream the loudest?

Here it is that I choose
to stay kind

All those little scars and marks,
left scattered over your body ,
shaping you,
making you, you.
All those habits and traits
specifics of the people close to you
forming familiarity.

A scent , a gesture, a sound
can take you back to the past
to the company of loved ones.
A quick pain to the chest as a reminder

Nostalgia triggered like dandeion pedals surrend to the wind
before you know it they're gone, the moment's over
already fading away
Added to the great library of what came before,
categorized and stored,
prioritized by what's more important and what is less.
To gather dust,
be forgotten or altered by time.

It's so beautiful it breaks my heart.

So keep collecting your scars and marks,
while you're at it,
maybe you could leave some on me as well.

Isn't it hilarious
how you can spend a lifetime

without ever beeing noticed?

I'm gonna need you to listen to me
I know it's hard
Believe me I know it's hard
and very selfish of me to ask
But I need you to try

Try with all your little might and heart
with all the breath your lungs can muster

I need you to be brave
to feel the fear but not go numb from it
Breathe,
in and out
Keep trying and keep failing

You might feel sick,
that's okay
You might feel weak
and yes you are,
that's okay too

But you're never worthless
don't ever believe it, don't give in to the voices
Shove them back, let them roar
Believe me you can roar much louder
if you have to, need to
take breaks but never stop

Go on
don't ever give up on life,
whatever be the pace, always go on
Never hide yourself from the world
You hear me?

It matters, it really does
you matter
if not to you than at the very least to me,
to lots of people actually wether or not you believe it
whether or not you can see

So stick around for the nexts
the next round, the next day
Please don't leave me
I'm begging you
Do it for yourself, or do it for me

Just do it,
please just stay
just hold out out
just
a little longer.

Vor Gedichten und Gedanken
Weichen alle Schranken.

Freiheit sitzt dahinter, dort,
Jenseits der Verzweiflung
Wahre Freiheit ist:
Nichts mehr zu verlieren zu haben
Außerhalb von Halt
Singend, nicht schreiend
Im freien Fall.

Das macht sie so gefährlich.

Fallende Hunde bellen,
Laut.
Sie beißen zu,
Hart
Und oft ins Leere.

Ich falle auch,
Nur singe ich nicht,
Ich schreie auch nicht,
Bin lange schon verstummt

Fallende Hunde bellen laut
Und ich glaube ich verstehe.

I'm leaving for a while

left with the wind, just like that
Hopefully it won't affect your smile
not to much at least, well maybe a little.
Hopefully without me you'll still have a shoulder to lean on
just don't forget me and, you know, have to much fun on your own
while I'm gone.

While I'm gone to see
how the rain falls on the other side
how the light breaks in waterfalls
how the jungle sounds, all the oceans smell when the sun is shining a little to bright
How the desert sand feels running through my hands
running away like the time we had together.

How many ways are there up the mountain,
to make me feel alive again?
The view from the peak as my reward

To go where the earth, water and sky meet, become one
for me to walk on
Where hills become rainbows for me to climb
Take the same steps, same roads as the people of the past
civilizations long gone
I wish we could share it ,
all the spices o the world on the tip of my tounge

I'm looking for peace, for kidness, for love
Let's find out if life is really worth living,
let's see if I can find it, my way of life
tucked away, hidden in a treasure trove

Not only to witness but to experience it,
first hand, for a change
Be part of a story
add lines to the lyrics of their songs
Instead of just being part of the audience,
the reader turning page after page
Take the plunge and see where it leads me,
what else is in my range?

I wish getting there would be a little gentler tho,
I could use a little bravery and courage before the scary part.

I hope when I make it back we'll still be the same,
although we all will have changed of course
I know nothing lasts for ever, we will lose each other eventually,
but
I'm not quite ready to accept that yet
and I hope I never will be.
Some things are just to good not to hurt in the end.

I miss my time with you already
it still tastes bitter to just leave like that
I can't wait to see you again
spend time like we used to, remember?
Talk to you soon in different times my friend.

I'm 23 now (24,25,...)
and already so tired
Tired of it all
the constant struggle
for sustain, for mediocrity
compromise what makes you you and feel alive

How much longer
Do i have to go on?

How long will you keep believing
what was promised to you?
How long can you wait
for the promised payout
that you're still hoping, wishing, begging for?

I just want to be healthy and happy
in life
why is that so hard to get,
so hard to keep
alive?
Am I asking to much?
Shouldn't that be the minimum?

Dear body, dear mind, dear soul
What's the point of survival
without a good reason to stay alive for?

And what's the alternative when dying isn't an option either?
I still do want to go on, my body wants to live
it has an agenda, a mind of it's own

Still hasn't had enough, still isn't fed up,
no energy left to spend,
no  feelings, no anger left to vent
it still holds on, teeth clenched it claws, it crawls on

Just indifference and that little cursed hope
that keeps me from letting go completly,
keeps me holding on.

Working in gastromony taught me some things
in life
everything gets more intense

when you add a little salt

:)

Today I created liquid poerty,
that no one understands
or cares for, no one asked.

Still it made the news,
which made a spot on my mothers fridge,
which made my day.

Once this menu is gone
my creations will be forgotten forever
or worse reinvented under a false name
by another, ignorance chasing originallity.

I poured my all out for nothing,
gave it all away for some recognition, basic respect
and now I'm all used up,
I've served my purpose.

Time to go, to be replaced and left behind
with nothing
but some blurry bittersweet memories
of lost bonds and time wasted,
and a bit of  sad leftover pride.

Oh to do it all again, and lose yourself
in the service of others.
Back than when my energy was infinite,
to move without bounds is magical.

But have you tried happiness,
peace of mind,
A healthy soul?

cause peace was never an option

I keep running, moving, pushing,
gaslighting myself.
Chased by the fear
that the moment I stop moving
I'll be falling back into that hole.

That grey bottomless pit
Where nothing goes in or out
Where nothing matters anymore
x times gravity to the ground

I'm a ticking time bomb,
implosion is inevitable
A strong urge to lay down,
to

Just give up

Isn't it curious how you can spend a lifetime
going unnoticed.
Alone with all your small habits and thoughts.

The more people are around you the easier it is
to become invisible.
The last person on earth among others

I smoke cause the hole in my chest can never be filled,
I work out tirelessly cause I can never be enough

So when I go to bed at night
I can beat myself up over smoking to much and lifting to little.

Hi Dad,

I called to say I'm sorry
sorry for how I treated you growing up.
Sorry for never breaking the ice, never trying to go through your walls,
while putting up mine higher ,
while you were putting up with me,
my behaviour, all your care met with nothing but disrespect.

I dind't feel like I could reach you back then.
Trouble you with my worries and problems.
I didn't think I was allowed, saw no room.
You've never been the emotional available type,

yet you were the most caring nurturing, supporting and reliable person I've met in my life.
You still are.
You were a string of stability in my childhood and after.
You've never been an authority figure. It's a little like you took my moms place ,when she had to put her needs above mine.
But you were hard to reach, so restircted by your parents upbringing.
"Don't act out, behave, keep up your appereance, smile, be polite, and most importantly don't ever bother anyone"

You were working a lot too.
I spend so much time alone.

Can it be? You can't be direct with your emotions,
you don't say I love you,
You say you're very dear to me instead again and again
hoping that the message sticks.
You say "what about going outside for a change?", instead of "Your behaviour is unhealthy son. We're going to change it.

Words aren't your strongest suit, mine neither
so you switch to acts.
Acts of service and quality time.
So easily overlooked. Not apprecciated enough.
Used and taken for granted.

I took it for weakness back than, and yes I used you in so many ways.
Over and over I insulted your kindness.

You're a bit shy too aren't you?
Never been the bravest. We both struggle with that.
You don't take charge you wait till the time is right, till the stars align and things take their natural order.
And if the time doesn't come than it will simply never happen.
In life that means you're often left, left out, left behind with the scraps.
It's unfair. But you endured. You're patient.

How much did others take form you? How much time? You never learned to mark your limits. Hard to say no. People pleasing is a habit that sticks and leaves you vulnurable.

You seem stuck and torn between worlds as well.
Somewhere between working and middle class, between liberal and conservative.
Between the family you grew up with and my mother you choose.
And me in the middle, after the break up.

I'm sorry, Dad, for not valuing what you gave and sacrified for me on the daily.
For washing the pots I left in the sink bruned again and again.
For showing me the islands of the Atlantic ocean every year,
watching dolphines and whales in the sea.
For cleaning the floor and chasing me up and down all of these mountains till evantually I grew to love it.
For cooking me meals after a long day of work. setting the table,
just to wait for me never come to the table and watch the food go cold.
And eat alone.

I was busy hiding away from the world. It was to much for me.
I wasn't welcome anywhere. Singled out from the get go.
Before I could even begin to think.
You wanted to push me into the world, so I fought that.
Trying was to hard and I didn't have much encouragment to fail and try again. The pull of fantasy and untoachable, strong heroes besting every trouble was to strong next to realitys horrors.

You were always ready to give me your everything,
to scrape out the last bit of yourself so I could waste it and throw it away.
Your trust in me was infinite.
I only ever used you for it.
Couldn't see all the love and pain behind.

I know loneliness, but know I realize you must have lived it too.
You probably buried your troubles in your work, shouldering it all alone, trying to provide for my every whishes without me giving you many good things to come home to.
Yet you never choose violence or let your anger out on me.
Although I could feel the frustration. I practically bathed in it.

Without thanks or aknowledgement. You did it alone. You fought for your place in my life and you earned it times over.
Thanks to you and Mama I grew up without toxic masculinity.
That's worth a lot. Thank you.

I hope you find someone soon who breaks that shell, who sees and appreciates you fully. Who pushes you further than you've ever been. Shows you things of wonder you can't even imagine yet
Through adventure and life.
I hope you life a long, happy and peaceful life.
You deserve it.
I hope I can be around long enough to witness it and support you for once.
And not to be selfish again and choose to check out. I'm trying

I regret our relationship growing up but it makes sense to me. We we're both stuck in our circumstances and nature. I just hope I can make up for it now,
Show you that you nurtured something worth it all.
Raised someone you can be proud of.

I love you Papa, please take care of yourself.

Words just seem to come to me
on the fly
materialize out of nothingness
macigally.

If they feel like it
that is,
They're a bit picky.

Till I find an order that sits just right
in my head
Although it might no seem that way to you.

I guess it's called style.

Listen,
I've been holding back my entire life
When we step into the ring
I want you to know I'm not gonna hold back anymore
And I expect you to match that.

So before you do step in
Make sure you hugged your mother,
told your women you love her,
showed her how much you worship her
and spend some time with your friends.
Real time.
The kinda time little girls and poets write about in their letters.
I'll make sure to do the same

Cause one of us might lose their life in there,
Blood, spit  and soul on leather,
The respect between caged animals.

Work out,
not to boost your ego but to be able to care for others,

Broader shoulders not to intimidate but to carry your mothers groceries when she gets older. So she has something to lean on just as you did growing up.

A back massive enough to steady your fahter when he can't do it by himself anymore. An open invitation for him to place his hand.
"I'm proud of you son"

Bigger arms to hold your friends tight shall they ever need it. So they may never lose their smile and you may never lose yours.
And hopefully you may never lose each other.

A bigger chest not to boast with but for your lover to rest and hide from the world for just "five more minutes" longer, while the first rays of sunlight  touch her face in the morning.

Strong hands that can gently support a childs head against the stomrs of this world but won't ever let go when they're needed to. To keep holding on of what's important.

Steady eyes, focused on the road ahead. So nobody gets lost on the way.

Capable legs to carry them home after a long night, and lay them to rest. To kick back whe life kicks you and tries to play *****.

And finally a strong mind to provide it all and more
and find purpose and happiness in doing so.

Mom,
you taught me
taught me by example.

To be your honest and most authentic self.
Which made it hard for me to be myself.
I didn't know who I was anyway.
But now I see you are holding yourself back for me,
holding back the questions that must be killing you,
to ask,
"Are you okay, is my child happy?"
The fears of getting left (again), of being unworthy of love.
The fear you inherited, as did I.
Did you fail everyone?
Are you here with me listening, or is your head back in your mothers kitchen?
You have to fight for every word from me.

You taught me to hone my perception, to watch, to listen, to learn
To appreciate living life which always seemed the most beautiful to you,
no matter your circumstances.
You saw things in the sun, the flowers and the birds,
the way clouds shape forms and the wind dances in the trees.
Life was always worth living to you, without question.

So now I notice the tears in your eyes everytime we meet.
I notice how you dress up prettier than to any date you ever went to in the past, just for me.
That you wear the little black bracelet I gifted you to your birthday on a wimp, picked up fom a market stand, passing by ages ago.
It doesn't really go with much,

I notice that you have to swallow your pride and
practically beg for my time, a glipse of my life
chase me, drive me into a corner so I can't evade you
Just so I can keep mine.
It hurts me too to see.

I can't give you what you want,
You hurt me growing up, helped mess me up,
triyng to help
I've always been lonely, always alone, isolation became comfort.
I needed a mother. Someone to take care of me, guide me, force me.
Yes, fight me cause I was the enemey. And I was fierce.
But you couldn't. You were still looking for answers yourself.

I couldn't wait for you to finally find them.
I had to go on, go through without you, build my own stability.
So I build many walls brick on brick, and I stacked high.
Even more between us, thicker than blood.
Because a mothers word is like a sledge hammer.
It breaks through wether you like it or not.
Always hits home, my neglected, angry, lost, little heart.
The world always seemed to much for me.

Yesterday a friend held me and didn't let go, let me escape,
Another let me rest in her lap and went through my hair.
The last time I had that and accepted it...
I can't remember
It's already hard to allow myself peace, worse even love,
but almost impossible to ask for it.

I'm slowly healing now, dancing through streets,
singing along to music so the neighbours can hear
Being my most authentic self without any forcing or faking.
Bringing out my innocent, cheeky childlike side to the light.
A honest smile without hiding the sadness in my eyes.
Trying to be brave to try and evantually fail again.
To walk the world and not look down, nor avert my gaze,
run and hide away.

I'm meeting people who support me, encourage me, push me.
Ther are so few of them, who care.
Maybe to few.
I'm still not very good at it. But it's getting better.

Opening up would still mean breaking my heart and yours too
it would mean hurting you, bringing you to tears again.
I don't want that.
You've been hurt enough, I've hurt you enough.

I can't take care of you. I can hardly do so for myself.
I'm still unable to cry for myself. Even when I try to push it.
I don't think things will ever be okay. I don't think we will ever have a family. That's not brokem.
But that's okay.

Honestly I don't think I really want to be fine.
I don't want to be fixed.
It's a part of me. This is me.
It has been for such a long time, I wouldn't know what to do without it.
It is my strenght and my weakness, my anchor and the strom.
My cage that I'm trapped in. Locked from the inside.
It feels safer here. I get to be in control for the most part.

I'm sorry mom,
I'm trying.
But some things can't be undone. Some things stay broken.
It's in the cracks where I  can find the most beauty in life.

I shall be remembered not by success and accomplishment
but by the kidness I gave to others.
I shall be recalled by my brightest laugh,
  the dimples of my cheeks
As a steady shoulder to my friends,
  an open ear to their stories.

But first things first
If you can do it, I too
can live.

You bring with you so much light, so much life,
it hurts sometimes
I try not to flinch away from the heat.
I have to avert my gaze.
You can't look into the sun for to long without going blind.
You leave me blindsided

Now I think I understand how Icarus must have felt.
Before he fell.

Hey,
so your mom called
She asked how you were doing

I said I wouldn't know for sure
I think you're doing oka(s)y
If you don't, you will in time
Sometimes it's hard to see what is going on in your mind,
you learned to hide it so well.
Underneath a face , a quick look, a smile
they becomer more real every time.

She seemed worried, tried to hide it, keep it in.
Something you learned from her maybe?
But you could just tell from her voice.
It shook for a second.
Breaking the everyday demeanour.

Then she asked me if her daughter still knows that she's beautiful. If I'd remind her for her.
You haven't visited in a while

I said mam, respectfully
the sun tries every day to shine a little brighter
to witness your daughter's life and warm her in her journey.
The moon puffs up it's chest, and pulls in the ocean over and over again
So your daughter can rest easier at night
And the stars soley come out to listen to her stoies and lift her worries in the dark

She impresses me more and more each day you see.
Your daughter is beautiful whether she wants to or not.
Through her looks, through her acts, her struggles
Her witts, her charm, her little faults her ... her, yes her everthing.
Her silly laugh, I'd recognize everywhere
She is one of the few true things I was ever lucky enough to experience.

Honestly she drives me crazy sometimes.
I admit sometimes, I have to slow down, fall behind and
Take a moment to breathe, to process.
Thinking I can't handle it, thinking I'm to weak, thinking I'm
not good enough.
I'm so scared of the possibility losing her someday.
Losing her trust, her heart, her interest.
I'm so scared of losing my ****. Apologies.
But it's true.

Looking at her, having her in my arms, waking up to her
I now understand
Life can get really scary once you decided to care and commit
As a boy I always pretended not to be scared, to be brave.
Now I feel like a boy again. But I must be a man.
For her.

I can't promise you her happiness,
I can't know if it will last
But I can promise as long as I'm here,
and the world is here,
she will never go alone.

Hi mom,

Today I lived
today I felt the flowers bloom
I joined the birds in their celebration
with smoke and sunshine in the air
We danced trough the streets to any music we could find
And sometimes we just made our own
We fell from one encounter to the next
the stock exchange of kind words
Our Eyes, ears and hands never went lonely
always filled with wonder

Till the sun had enough and went
And the night covered us with it's veil of comfort and privacy
Turning words to whispers of wisdom
Turning grown man to infants again, resting all curled up
Voices reaching out, like skipping stones over the dark water beneath us.

I fell in love four times over today
In a look, a touch, a second
Each one a magical opportunity found, but then lost right away
The moment's passed, your friends are waiting

So many pretty people roaming the streets,
Little frog head I was to shy to talk to you
but maybe see you again? Next year same spot?
Where the flowers bloom and the people are dancing with food in their hands

Good night now Mama,
I want you to know, today I lived

"Be the good you want to see in other people"
oder so

- was Ghandi sagt

I just want to be able to cry again
why can't I cry anymore?
When did that happen?

I just want some relieve
Please
just for a little bit

My only job in this world seems to be
to be pleasing and serving others
who didn't even ask for it
And they don't know gratefulnes
don't know how to appreciate what is given to them so freely
just take and want and demand  even more.

"They're just to young, they will learn, surely. I can
hold out just a little longer."
Till you're left behind all empty, all used up
bleeding out on the floor.
And yet still right where you started,
still lonely and now broken too.

Trying to hold in your spilling guts,
mending your shatterd porcelain pieces of mind,
licking your wounds in your corner.

Till you're ready to go again,
still desperate for a gesture, a touch, a smile
Any signs of validation of your worth
to others,
who will only ever take more from you.
You chase it like your next fix.
You can't help it anymore, it's a habit, you're hooked.

Cause you're so worthless, purposeless, utterly alone.
Just a kid lost in the mall, waiting to be called out
and carried back home where you belong.
Carried to safety.

I own what is given to me now.

I grew up loved
yet I feel unworthy of it

I don't deserve,
can't accept the happiness

Mother what heave you done
What am I to make of this?

I just want it to stop ,
stop feeling like this

There's no purpose for this kid
Good times have never lasted long here.

Runners high
out of breath, muscles aching
when I managed to get up, get out get by.

And left my room

The sun shining on my face
pulling you closer to my chest
a summer affair's embrace.

It's warm

When my music resonates
sounds make up my brain
and my heart beats to the rhythm
Here's to another day, my fellow inmates.

All is fine in the world when drowned out.

Looking out the window of a moving train
the landscape's rushing by
Get some distance, might not feel the pain
at least not for a while

Reset my settings.

When you tell me I'm enough,
I'm doing fine
I imagine

I've never heard these words spoken before

Take me, take me in
pull me closer
and brush my skin.

Here's my lips, my face,
kiss me, have a seat
Oh, what a sweet embrace.

Take control of me, please.
I don't want to hold the reigns.
You have me on my knees.

Before you.
Leave yor marks on me.

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.

Some gems are lost forever
sparkle
never to be found

Maybe that's for the better

[Marcus] Some feelings
are like old familiar friends.
Depression's like that for me.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness,
but it's… different to feel it again.

It's the difference between
remembering what a room looks like
and actually walking through the door.
Being inside it again.
Feeling it.

When the episode starts,
it can be slow at first.
An intrusive thought,
"I don't wanna be here,"
but then it's gone.
You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell.

When it hits you fully though,
when you're really in it, it's everything.
It's who you are, you're nothing else.

On the outside, you look the same,
smiling and pretending is so much work,
but inside, it's a different story.

You start to hate yourself.
You're so alone, so unbelievably alone.

And you can be with someone you love,
but you're not really with them.
We think we know what's going on
with other people, but we don't.
You never really know what's going on
inside someone else's head.
Everyone's fighting a battle
you can't see.
We all have blind spots.

And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you,
and it's also exhausting.
So ******* ****** and exhausting,
and it's helpless.

It's a void,
and existing takes so much energy,
you wanna sink into a hole of nothing
where no one talks to you
and you don't have to smile or talk or be.

Anyway, it's familiar.
I've been here before,
gotten out of it before,

but the getting out part
becomes the room that you remember
but aren't in.

And that's what's scary.

The first rays of warm sunlight
on your skin
after the winter break.

Feels like a warm embrace
when your body is starved of touch.

Hints of fresh air
as petals blossom
and the sea water starts warming up.

Let's meet,
Let's revel
Oh to live again.

Everything and everbody *****.
Except sometimes when it doesn't

Everybody keeps bothering you,
they just can't seem to leave you alone.
Why can't you just leave me the **** alone?

Sometimes that's a good thing.

Nothing matters
you're indifferent to almost everything.
It's hard to get past that shell.
It's your armor against the world.
You depend on it.

Your parents will always have some power over you.
Whether you like it or not.

I'm angry.
It's buried deep down by now.
In my heart, in my bones.
Ironically I'm so weak it's quite pathetic.
I want to punish myself.

Last but not least

Some things do feel real.
Music is a goddess, it's freedom.
Stories are an escape.

These tools can loose their effect when overused.

Some moments  do get through the fog.
Nature and innocence for instance.
Some relationships mean something.
Some people are just to good to be corrupted.

Depression isn't a sickness
It feels like a part of you,
A character trait.

The bottom line?
"please don't hurt me"