I feel myself slipping
Growing weaker by the day
I chose to soften
To slow down
Go easy, take five

The more I do
The less I want to go back
To the before
To get up and try again

Why try again?
Let's just lay down
Hide
And fade away

Choosing peace
I lost
My edge

It's true
I can adapt
I can recover

Rebuild,
Reconnect
And suffer and suffer

But why should I
Why fail
And lose again?

If I'm hard wired
To seek comfort in familiarity
Then why bother?

Because
As long as I choose not to
My body draws it's next breath
And each day still passes the next

My life my be lost on me
For now
But to you a world with me in it
Is not all meaningless yet

Dear Mister
Suit man,

Did you choose this life?
To lock your power away
Buried in layers
Half buttoned
Slim fit
Not much room left here
To breathe

In an attempt to control oneself,
Make yourself seem composed
A small plea perhaps
For compassion?
Hide away the threat within
Trying to appear harmless
Who are you fooling?

Dialing down your strength
To function in society
To be accepted
Or are you just holding back?

Pacing in a cage
Is a beast,
Waiting
For the right time
To break out, to roar

Are these broad shoulders yours?
Or are you wearing patts?
Could it be?
Insecurity?
And worn so close to your chest,
On open display
Custom fitted

Does it hold you back?
Keep you reserved
Keep the rage in check?
I doubt it

Keep you upright,
Keep you going?
When your backbone doesn't hold
Does it help safe face ?

In this masked ball
We call life
You're beginning to stumble
Begining to crack

When the suit comes off
After a long day
Out in the open, under fire
When all the pressure stored up within
Leaks out, at once
When the chains fall off,
To the ground
cling, cling

Do the bars still hold?
Or do you let the monsters out
Into the light of day
Off the leash
To roam free and get some fresh air

Do you manage to supress yourself?
To continue this farce
The dark white rage
Luring within
Starving embers, running cold
There is no warmth left in you

What do those hands do?
Without a collar to the wrist
In remote rooms
Behind closed doors
In the shady corner of the street
Who has his eyes on you here?

Do you feel your farthers gaze
perhaps?
Your mothers absence,
The absence of love
A sting in your chest

Hear the white noise
Growing louder and louder
Every day
Penetrating your skull
Demanding to be heard

The hole in your torso
Growing and growing
You're collapsing, imploding
There's no stopping it now.

You can losen your tie,
Unbutton your shirt
But you can't losen the grip
Around your neck
The weight on your shoulders
Doesn't lessen
The show must go on

Do remind me
To buy me a new suit

Custom made

Kann man eine Beziehung führen
Ohne sich dabei selbst zu verlieren?
Seine Selbstständigkeit aufgeben,
Um miteinander
Zusammen auf zu gehen?

Wo setze ich meine Grenzen
Damit es funktioniert
Und nicht kaputt geht?
Damit ich nicht an dir,
Mit dir zu Grunde geh?

Wieviel kann ich abgeben?
Wie viele Kompromisse bin ich bereit einzugehen?
Von Zufriedenheit zu Glück zur Liebe
Oder immer im Kreis
Wieder von vorn?

Hallo,
Schön dich zu sehen,
Na dann, auf Wiedersehen
Wieder alleine sein,
Lieber alleine bleiben?
Muss das so sein?

Gehört das Wirklich dazu?
Wenn achtzig Prozent stimmen,
Dann ist es perfekt
Sagen sie
Kannst dich glücklich schätzen
Welche achtzig genau?

Wer bin ich überhaupt?
Ohne dich , mit dir, nach dir?
Was will ich, was brauch ich?
Was weiß ich,
Schon?
Nichts davon

War da mehr bevor oder nachdem wir uns trafen?
Vor oder nach den ersten drei Monaten,
Dem ersten halbem Jahr,
Nach drei, nach sieben
Fünfzehn, dreißig ...?

Werde ich je Gewissheit haben?
Das es das ist
Das du es mir wert bist?
Bin ich schon angekommen,
Oder sollte ich weitersuchen?
Bekomme ich Klarheit, ohne dich dabei zu riskieren?
Dich zu verlieren?

Bleib bei mir,
Sieh mir nicht ins Gesicht
Komm mir nicht zu nah,
Aber bitte warte noch,
Bitte
Verlass mich nicht

You make me laugh louder
Than anybody else does
And making me feel safe with you
Just by being near me

I can tell you anything
I can be anyone with you
I can trust you,
Even depend on you

High in contrast
To my usual life
You came into my life so easily
A friend send to me by a friend

A summer breeze
Cominig through a slight gap
In the window
Bursting it open

Letting in the light

It feels like
Finally

They pushed
Me

Once
Too often

...
The line?
Yes
No

What was it again?
Where did I begin?
"When ..."

****, ****, *******

Should have written it down

I love the ocean
For the calmness it gives
After the storm's passed
It leaves behind
A quietness in my heart

I love the ocean
In it's depth, it's vastness
In all it's shades of blue
Crowned by dancing white spray
Falling and rising in constant motion

I love the ocean
It keeps me mesmerized
By the orchesta of bundled water
Crashing down the coast
A low drum to a metronome

I love the ocean
For the breeze in my hair
The air in my lungs
And the salt
Fresh memories on your skin

When do I get to taste it again?

Evertime
I think I understand
I've finally figured it out
How to feel better

I lose the thread
Unraveld to knots
Displayed in my hands

It ends up leaving me
As empty as before
Drops on hot stone
Vaporizing in an instant

Running after firsts
First kiss, ***, realationship
More friends, better friends
Opening up more

Find work, find better work
Don't get sick again,
Stay healthy

Work out,
Get stronger,
Look better

Travel to the other side of the world
Away from what you know
Different places, same ****

What's next on the agenda?
A child?
A family?

Colletreal damage
In the making
The joker is missing from the deck

I need to fix myself first
Unhealthy means unable
To provide and protect
And what am I worth then?

In the meantime
I grow lonely, needy
I get lost again and again
Circumstances are never ideal

Why even bother
Trying to find a suitable partner
Against the odds

Just to let new, old problems surface
Time to get messed up, again
Designed to fail from the start
"Don't fall for the first person you meet"

You can only go step by step
For so long
What steps to what end again?

How can I be stuck
Now
In a stalemate?

All I asked for was
To be better
To be heathy
And to be at peace

Where did I go wrong?
I followed my instincts
Trying to do the right thing
Like everyone else

How am I supposed to walk the right path?
It remains hidden in the dark
Next to all these bright ones
Out shining me

I'm left guessing
And I'm guessing wrong

If I look up
I still can't see the summit
Hidden in the clouds

If I look down
I get dizzy from the height
Seeing how far I've come

The further I go the thinner the air
I'm out of breath, of will, of life
A lack of substance

If I think to much
About the path I'm on
All the crossroads and obstacles ahead
I panic and trip

But
If I manage to hold on
To take a moment
and catch my air

Then it s that I can see
Just for a glimpse

How beautiful the view
And exciting the journey

Before I go on
Get back to managing it

How dare me
I cann see
The judgment in your eyes

And you ask me why I look away
You ask me why I hide
It's quite easy baby

When faced with a world like that
I have no power left  
No will, no reason left to fight

Excuse me,
Fot trying to achieve happiness
Before my death

If that makes me
a coward
so be it

I used to be
Radiating calmness
An anchor
A place to rest
A moment of peace

Now I'm more of a
Dark pit
Desperation and Sadness
Weak, indifferent, powerless
Oozing nothingnes
A void to swallow you all hole

Maybe I'm both

And she said
I sentence you
To life
To happiness and suffering

And he said
I'll grant you an end
When it's over
I'll lay you to rest

I have no purpose here

I'm not in control
Mesmerized
I watch

Hold captive
By shapes
Made out of a blank space
Brought to light

By pages slowly filling
with ink
bled by a pen
seemingly
led by my hand

Black ink
absorbing the light

Today
The world didn't want me
Up about
And walking in it

Now
All I can do
Is
Try to go back to sleep

And hope
For a better future
A kinder tomorrow

Here I am, again
Alone
Getting the universal feeling
Of not getting what I deserve
Shocking I know

Of not getting out what I put in
Getting back what I give
Aren't I silly?
Do I deserve?

I try to do everything right
When possible
And of course I fail
So do you I suppose?

Be kind, be supportive, be there
Help out where I can
Listen, give advice,
Try to remember the important stuff
All that's so fleeting to my mind

Check in with you,
"What are you doing today?"
Bring little gifts
Show you how much you matter

Show how much you mean to me
Through my actions and letters
"You've been on my mind"

Offer my shoulder, my ear, my hands, my thoughts

Make myself likeable,
Make myself calm, soft
No threat here, no anger
A safe space

Compromise for others
Often without being asked
Or thanked for
Appreciation is hard to come by

"Please don't forget about me
Please include me
Please don't leave me behind"

Sometimes I get bitter
Sometimes I feel empty and weak
And don't have much to offer
Seclude myself to safety
But I try don't I?

I don't see you doing it much
You apologize
You promised better

Yet you forgot my birthday again
Like last year

It's okay I do it too
No bother
I should have reminded you

Yet you didn't find time to visit me in the hospital
When I had to learn how to walk again
No promises for the future

It's okay,
I hid how bad it was
How could you have known
When I was only gone for half a year

Yet, if I don't write first
Then there is no conversation?

I have to announce to the world
Exactly what is wrong with me,
For you to listen

I have to show up
On your doorstep
In crutches
And wait for you to let me in
For you to see
Are you even there?

You know me,
You know my struggles and my compassion
You know my shadows and that
Often they're stronger than me
And dark thoughts take over

So why do you forget about me
So quickly?
Why don't you send a little love?
A litle goes a long way for me

To know I don't have to do it all alone
Like I used to be
To know there is someone
There for me too

A little warmth in my chest
Against the storm of my mind
A little light against the shadows creeping
A little company for the hohle in my tummy
Of fear and insecurity

But it's okay
I'm used to it right?
Gotta be more patient,
Gotta go on giving,
Go on
Be
Understanding,
Compromise, how to

Cause
My anger isn't justified
Right?

After
Nights like this
Hundreds of drinks later
Hundreds of people
Shallow like the thick air
You breathe in there

After
Total ups and downs
Oh what euphoria it is,
Riding out highs to the ground
Past the point of throwing up,
Throwing it all away

When the shakes stop
Your fists still hurting
From punching the door
On your way out
"I'm taking five"
A small number

A couple breaths
Curled up
Next to the toilet
Completly overwhelmed
In and out
Should I just go?

Dancing
Behind the stick
Pouring promises of a quick escape
No remorse's found here
No moderation cause
"Tonight we go big
Time to forget ourselves"
To let go of all reason

Melting bonds
Together with your people
We've gone through the fire trials
Together
We do it, again and again
Together

When you can't smell the smoke
Any longer
Hovering in the air
When you can't hear the music
Anymore
A "boom, boom, boom" to the background

When your sweat forms a salty smile
On your shirt
Your face, a pale grimace
Void of any emotion
At this point
Teeth clenched, throat sore
You don't matter anymore

It's us against them
Who will give in first?
Their thirst for more
Or my arms, my legs,
My patience?

They are a constant demand,
For more
Total ignorance,
In pure bliss pure preassure
Ego printed out on paper
Left on the table or thrown at you
On their way out
Pick it up when you clean this mess

When it's over for the night
You come to a stop
Silence
As the world wakes up
And comes alive again,
Slowly

The sun gently lights your face
On your way home
A bit of shelter
Warmth and quiet
A bit of peace

Finally excused,
You hurry home
A couple hours of rest and resignationt
The adrenaline wore off
Put a check behind yesterday
It's over and done

Four, five, six
Hours
A quick bite, sleep, repeat
Rest
The to do list of today
Already delivered to your pocket

Time's up
You blinked twice
You said you wouldn't do that anymore
Have to get going now, have to get back
Have to function again
Be there in five

Only then it is,
That you realize
You enjoy losing yourself
In the struggle
In this swirl ******* you in
Deeper and deeper

Time passes
Quicker and quicker
Just a little more
And I can give up
I can give in

And leave everything behind
Leave all reason
Leave all trouble
Awake but unconscious
Dead or alive
Night or day

Look,
How messed up you have become
For a nicle and a dime
Your life's gone grey, gone grim
Gone bitter

It's after nights like this
That you get the hint of a feeling
That you went wrong somewhere
Togehter with a clear feeling
Of deserving it
You deserve to end here

There must be
a special factory
somewhere in the world
hidden away
with care

It would shape the clouds
as they come in molds
all fluffy
in pink, orange, yellow and white

It sends them out
grazing the sky
like flocks of sheep
peacefully aloft

And then suddenly
all grey and dark
boasting big,
almost bursting open on the spot
carrying all that weight
crackling with lightning
so full of energy

But so patient,
holding on
waiting
trying so hard
till the right moment arrives

Last stop of the line
destination reached
time for a festive hosting
to let it all out
let it fall

Refresh the world
with new air
a change of pace
a quick break for us all

Rip open
with bursting thunder
you deserve it
let go now
little big cloud
you've been so bave

You carried it all
kept it in you
for how long I can only imagine
and how far you must have come
be proud

Surely
the wind alone
can not make up all these shapes
I see
when I lay down in the grass
looking up
you're here with me

Watch
look at the sky
watch 'em go by
never tyring from reinventing
it's ever changing
infinite forms

So
surely
there must be
hidden away somewhere
in this world

a little cloud factory

My inner child
is still here
with me
watching

Staring blankly into space
his eyes tired, arms drooping
yet his legs still dangling in the air

Looking up
a quick flash of a sad smile, crooked
he looks so thin, so weak
it's hard for me to bear

He's beaten
but still here
with me
still has hope

Waiting for a better future
that's yet to come
to make it all worth it

I'm telling him,
telling you, really
to give up,
look away
this part isn't for you to see

This part of my life
has  lost all it's innocence
what has choosing to stay kind
really given us in the end?
What have we gained?

It's not a pretty sight,
quite emberassing really
I don't believe yet here I am
still holding on,
to something

Survival isn't supposed to be pretty

I don't know how to live life
right,
right?

Can't **** myself either

In theroy
I had a perfect enviroment growing up
for happiness

Safe, supported, nourished,
cared for
Yet I've almost always felt
mistreated,
unhappy, miserable
hurt and alone

as long as I can remember

I think there has been a mistake
a defect in manufacturing, perhaps
so please pull me back
this faulty good
will only damage your reputation

Go down,
lay down
stay down,
grovel at the ground

Give up
dont try
to get up, again
it's not worth it

Hardship doesn't go away when you turn from it
and not when you face it either,
maybe,
just for a little time
you can avoid the confrontation
or earn you a break
you'll need it then

Maybe it just never goes away
truly
no end in it's design

Clingy *****

Why does it feel like,
I have to fight off the world
and my body at the same time,
all the time?

Aren't we supposed to be allies
in this?
And why do I feel so alone
doing so?

I would give everythig right now
to be
nothing, no one
let go of my identity

Listening to circadas humm
lying in the shade of an apple tree
feel how the ground refelcts the heat
of the sun

Nothing left in my mind,
a steady merry heartbeat
as I drift away into slumber

No reponsibility
just peace of mind
and my chest so warm,
filled with wonder

I am free

Me
and my body

We aren't friends anymore
my mind that is, me
my emotional state

We share the same space
share our time,
the same resources

A constant struggle
of achieving equilibrium
they keep dialing in,

Wishes, plans, goals
expectations and energy
call it fine tuning

still
always compromised

If I don't find a table to sit at
soon
A group of people, a place where I belong
who support each other
someplace where I am appreciated and sought out
with a purpose and a role to play

I don't think I'm gonna make it.

But I don't know how
I've never learned
and I'm running out of time.

I feel like I missed out on a lot,
a lot of potential lost
over the time,
due to circumstances

Always on the outside spectating,
speculating how it would be
to scared, frozen in place by fear to try
never truly part of something
nver part of the picture

Always trying to stay safe,
yet still hurt in the end
pathetic to myself
politely overlooked and set aside
I was nobodys priority, except for my parents
who could never seem to help either

There seems to be something wrong with me
or maybe wrong the world, or both
makes no difference in the end
a failure from the start
I'm different but not special, not the good kind

I'm there if needed, reliable, dependeable
although lost I'm your guy
hard working, compromising, sacrificing
to earn my worth, my space
I lost my health, my joy, my innocence
no boundaries in place

Full of fears, of origins long forgotten
surviaval instincts that might have saved me then
but are ony a hinderance now
trapped in my bubble, my cage

Trying my best to stay still, to stay put,
stay quiet
they might not notice me here,
avioding the occasional rattle,
a poking from the outside

Being unable to risk means being unable to enjoy your life
which makes me lost
soon
a lost cause

I wish my mind
were a land to walk upon
each part another landscape,
each emotion another season
my mood controls the light

Consciousness and subconsciousness
present and past
open and buried

Like trasures in a fantasy dungeon
to dig up and discover
let's make it an adventure

I wish to walk these lands
with you
togehter we might understand
me

Finally

I feel like I have to do more
right now,
always

Solve my life in a minute
unriddled
Do all the chores, plan my future,
work out, get stronger
imagine, create, work on that project
start the next
meet my friends, new people, date
keep in contact

Know more, learn more, be more
look better, sound smarter seem cooler
eat, rest, sleep, ****, love
what is that?

Take care of myself
physical and mental
and victional
manage my expactations
and yours

Al of it, right now
I have an hour
I haven't moved
It's so much and it's constant

Maybe finding a partner really,
is just about sharing
and lifitng the weight a little
...

And then trying not to become miserable
or codependent
at least together and not alone
right?

If you avoid getting hurt
at all
you're effectifely avoiding life all together
going out means opening up,
means showing skin
to bruise, to bleed,
to scar over

Taking chances means embracing the fall
eventualy there will be an impact
a ground to hit, some facts to face
of some sorts

But I'm so scared,
I'm terrified of getting hurt
of failure, emberassement, of rejection I guess
and I don't even understand why

To scared to life, to scared to die
just floating inbetween
Feeling wasted moments passing by
escaping
by scrolling on a screen

Feel it running through my hands
trying to grasp what's real, what's wrong
looking for solid ground
to stand upon

Splashing water to my face
trying to wake up
WAKE UP!
and live my dream.

Finally not behind
but on time
in control behind the wheel
you are here with me, and
this life is mine

Give me a break,
please
I don't want to function anymore,
all the time

A release from the pressure,
the constant demand for more
do more, be more
always wrong somehow,
in so many ways

A long, good rest
to lift the stress
from my shoulders

So I can breathe,
I can live
freely
Take my time
out

Come out
afresh, relaxed
on the other side
Drowned out the noise
for a while
from one quick eternity to the next

I step out again
into the world
looking forward
just bending not breaking
reshaping

Eyes and ears open,
lifitng my gaze
now I am ready
now I can go on

If the human race is a species
based on community for it's survival,
why are there mechanisms,
that make living together harder?

When mating and reproduction
is my basic,
animalistic task in life,
then why is there a feeling like embarrassment
or shame
that stops me,
freezes me in my tracks?
Preventing me from fufillment

If evolution is adaption to the enviroment
why is the system so inconvenient,
so complex and fragile, unintuitive
why am I so flawed?

Our survival measures can be as dangerous to us
as the threats they protect us from
Survival makes up most of our life
You either build up, maintain, protect or recover.
Happiness is not necessary part of that desgin,
desirable yet not crucial to the construct,
a mean to an end.

Why is there a build in conflict of interest
between my body and mind
so
me and myself?
What I need versus what I want?

What's the point
to all this complications,
to all this struggle?
My life is designed to end, sure
But then why make it so hard,
so easy to become miserable
and so hard to remain fulfilled?

Society is the logical answer to survivability
against nature.
But it's also feels like poison
Poison to my mind,
polution to my bones.

One of humanities biggest flaw
might be
that we die to young
and forget to quickly

You spend all your life
figuring out who you are
where you belong
grasping for a purpose

Trying to figure out
your faults and problems
Are those yours
or just inheritance?

Trying to remember
what went wrong in the past
Clinging to a made up story,
half reinvented anyway
Trying to learn, to predict, to better yourself
to fix yourself

Reclaim what was lost
pick out
the good from the bad
what's to keep and
what must go

And then
after years of reflection,
of trial and error
when you finally feel like
you might have a clue
...

You're over
your body's beaten and sore
your time has passed
Your mind, your body, your soul
broken down, taken apart
rebuild over and over

Each time wearing thinner and thinner
all of your energy is gone,
invested and spend
in your pursuits
How noble

You might find yourself
trying to teach whoever's dear
what you've concluded
what you have learned.

They won't listen
just as you did
in the past

The rumbling of the old
is white noise to young minds
The loud silence of age
The wisdom in the pause
of important teachings
lost in thought

A flickering lamp
in the dark
on it's last breath
covered in dust

On it's last moments
surronded by nothing but moths,
misguided creatures
clinging to warmth, to the flame

Desperate to find a way,
to find rest
or maybe simply
not to be
alone.

Short lived lifes to an old one now lost,
and laid
to rest

I wonder
when in my childhood
did little me go, from being
loved, cared and protected
a walking sunshine
whaetever the seaon
from being unbotherd and innocent
...

To making pretend,
protecting myself
and not trusitng anymore
building up walls
high and higher

Hiding away in his little fantasiy worlds
strong, and invulnurable
always on top
the hero
to save the day
no one can reach me here,
no one can hurt me here

Avoiding real life whenever,
avoiding the outside
shying away
fleeing when possible
An outcast trying to find something to hold onto
with a weakening grip

You have to do this on your own
you think
the world is bad outside
it doesn't welcome you
like the others

Better to keep away
Don't move, keep quiet
no sound,
stay hidden
in the background
this way
they might overlook and forget,
they might not notice you

Who hurt you this much?
I've long forgotten,
the origin of my instincts
I've survived and have to unlearn now.
unravel

Be safe little one,
be patiend,
try to be kind to yourself,
at least a little kinder

Although most people are quite nice to me
I'm still always expecting them to be mean
to hurt me
again
like they used to do
fulfill my expectations

It's kinda funny

I get nervous when I have to meet someone
new
Why is that?
I'm shaking, heart is racing, hands are sweating
I can't get anything done beforehand
but have to keep myself busy
so I won't go crazy

Killing time till the time comes
to be late
to be nervous
can't be myself,
to scared to be bold
let the akwardness unfold

I thought,
that all of my anger
stored up throughout my youth
throughout puberty,
misstreatment and depression
just went
away

As all things just pass
eventually
naturally
over time
Can't always be raining

But maybe it's al still there
In here
locked with me
waiting patiently
and I just don't feel it anymore.

Waiting for the right moment
to strike, to break out
for the last drop to fall
and spill out
the beast freed from it's cage
finally

It went real quiet,
compared to how loud it used to roar,
not tamed, just lurking,
cowering down,
ready to jump
me
from the dark

To devour me hole again.

How does it feel,
when you've learned to make yourself accpeted, included and liked
by making gifts to others?
When you feel like you have to earn your worth, earn your place?
Always think of others, their needs, help them, care for them,
you keep going out of your way to please.
Without even being asked to.

Literally no one asked, why do you still do it?
No appreciation to be found
yet you still give more, do more, spend more.
Till they excpect it from you.

Just to watch your gifts be tossed aside,
become forgotten and expired.
You can fish them out of the trash later.
Frame them, added to the collection.

Be grateful you can still be around.
No one likes you anyway right?
You're nothing but tolerated.
Leftovers, appendege, third wheeling.

Be grateful. at least you're not completly worthless and alone,
right?
Does that sound right
to you?

Turn up the music,
louder and louder still.
Till my ears bleed and I go deaf.
Till my thoughts become lyrics
my body in resonance, same frequency.
My feet to the rhytm, my heart a drum to the beat.

Till I find ecstasy in drowning out myself

Please,
can someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do,
where I'm supposed to go.

Just tell me how the world works,
give me something to believe,
it doesn't even have to make total sense.

There is something deeply wrong with me,
tell me what's wrong with me.
Just give me a reason, a story
give me something to hold on to.

So I can move on.

Can someone just care for me please?
Take over,
just for a little while, so I can rest.
Take a break form being an adult,
cause it never seems to stop.

I'm so done

Talk,
air it out
or it becomes obsessive truth.
Maybe my mom was right,
maybe all my problems are generational heritage,
ancestory leftovers for me to digest.
Genetic code unfolded into chaotic synergy.

Maybe things just happend
to me.
No fault no big wrong decisions made to be found
for everything to fall back to.
No point in looking,
stressing over it anymore

Maybe I just got unlucky,
a bit mistreated from time to time.

Wouldn't that be nice?

An inconvenient preset of character
butterflies set in motion.

How am I supposed to live with that tho?
With no one, nothing to blame.

You can't just always let it go
and accept.
Give me a logic explanation so I can move on.

Die Straßen ziehen vorbei
Licht an Licht wie fallende Sternschnuppen vorm Fenster.
Bei Tageslicht, Abenddämmerung, Sonnenaufgang
ein neuer Tag.
Bäume, Häuser, Felder,
Wälder

Die Materie meines Landes wiegt mich in die Schläfrigkeit,
geborgen
Das Buch in meiner Hand fällt in meinen Schoß
Immer noch dieselbe Seite,
bin immer noch nicht weiter.
Der Inhalt unverändert unbegreiflich
Mein Atem geht zum Rhythmus der Schienen unter uns.
Wir fliegen zusammen und doch bleibe ich allein.

Augen zu, Augen auf
du hast geblinzelt.
Ankunft, Abfahrt
du hast geblinzelt.
Auf ins Neue, ins Unbekannte
oder doch zurück zu alten Gegenden?
Durch die Entfernung wieder neu erlebt.

Kommst du jetzt wieder zurück?
Hast du genug bekommen,
Antworten gefunden auf die Fragen die du nicht fandest?
Die du nicht zu stellen wagtest?
Die dich trotzdem quälten?

Du warst zu lange fort,
deine Heimat ist noch hier,
aber Hier ist nicht mehr dein Hier,
längst ein anderer Ort.

Du wolltest alles hinter dir lassen,
gingest
trotz der Angst dann zu viel zu verpassen,
Hauptsache weg, weg von hier
dachtest du hättest nicht viel zu verlieren.
Allem entfliehen, Pause, Neuanfang
Ohne genau zu wissen was dieses Alles überhaupt war.

Hast du es nicht ausgehalten letztendlich
so ohne sie, die Anderen?
Im Nichts, im Nirgendwo auf eigenen Wegen zu wandern?
Einsam im Herzen hast du dich wieder verrannt
Im Herzen stumpf, die Seele verbrannt.

Nun kommst du wieder,
zurück,
um zu sehen was  noch übrig ist
Zurück zum Alten, Vertrauten, Selben
Wir sind aber nicht mehr die Selben
Du ja auch nicht.

Alles wieder etwas anders, verschoben
Wieder ein bisschen auseinander gelebt,
voneinander entfernt,
weitergemacht, natürlich, nur halt ohne dich.
Schade eigentlich.

Doch nun schließ die Augen, schlaf
Gestern war auch ein neuer Tag,
verronnen,
Morgen wird noch kommen.
Wer nie ankommt der reist für immer,
umher.

Naja, wenigstens auf Schienen,
und noch nicht entgleist.

Die Tage reihen sich,
in zu schneller Abfolge,
in zu vielen Reihenfolgen
Aneinander, auseinander
zu Löchern in meinem Kopf.

Eindrücke verschwimmen und verwischen,
Farben und Gesichter vermischen sich
Der Regenbogen am Himmel gestern ist heute schon weiß.
Ein Spektrum umgekehrt.
Namen sind Laute geworfen gegen den Wind,
gerade noch gesprochen und schon sind sie verflogen.
Wer warst du und wann
warst du gewesen?
Ich weiß nicht mehr wer ich war,
zu welcher Zeit an welchem Ort.

Weißt du,
ich spreche vom Ende der Zeit,
praktisch,
du von ihrer Unerreichbarkeit,
herrlich
Wer waren wir gewesen?

Gerade noch erlebt,
gerade noch gelebt
und schon sind wir vergangen,
so bleiben wir,
vergessen.

Endlich.

I am a mold,
Clay to be folded, kneaded, hardend, softened and burned,
to be formed by the tides and the wind
Layer by layer added and scraped again
to break and to be fixed

I am what  I consume
My enviroment makes me
shapes my personality
Untitled
At the time
The movies  watch, the books I read, the characters I envision
become the traits of my everyday demeanor
One, two, three faced
Living under curtains, quick glimpses from under the mask
Gemini personified

If my opinion, my beliefs, and through this my being
are influnecend so easily,
hand crafted, tailored for every stituation and encounter
Is there even such a thing as identity?
At what point do I lose myself through adaptive behaviour?
Who am I without you?
What's a reflection without the mirror?

Who is the true version of me,
the one you see or
the one  that comes out when no one's watching?

God is  a metaphor.

The lesser know holy trinity

Bravery,
Cowardice
and Foolishness

For me I'd differ between different generations
by their poitical or social crisis happening in their time,
and the toys they used in their childhood.

What went wrong, what messed you up
and how did you distract yourself from it

Our common ground

One second,

for the broadest smile to shine,
for tears to form, dripping out of your eyes
waterfalls down your cheeks
An exchange of looks, a parting of ways
To shy to try
To say hi and goodbye

Two seconds
It's all it takes

For tires to screech leaving your bike under wheels
For your life to unfold and fade away,
to be changed forever,
a spiral out of control
downwards.

Three seconds is all it takes,

To say
I love you,
Thank you
Could you help me?
I'm glad you're here.
I woudn't know what to do without you

Imagine what you could do with a day

I believe one day you'll smile again, cry again
One day, you'll bike again
And believe me when I say
it's gonna be worth it, it's gonna be okay.

What is it about freckles
about cute cuts and tops,
about sunflowers and pastel colours?

Green, blue, brown, yellow and grey
and everything in between
staring into your eyes, mesmerized

What about shapes and curves?
Up, down, in and out
you caught my attention
in a net of your facets

What is it about your scent, your expressions
your smile, your laugh
that makes me chase you?
Act fool

I keep replaying our moments together
when we aren't
together
chasing you in my mind
Until next time

What is this magic
that makes me ignore all my principles
risk my safety, my freedom
for nothng but a possibility
mere chance?

Let's find out, let it play out

I'm doomed but that's okay
if only I can be near you again
Lay down in your arms,
at least for a little while.

I have a natural talent for causing chaos,
causing mayhem
A masters degree in clumsiness,
Been practicing it my hole life really

All those white shirts stained
right after the first bite
Eating my meals next to the plate,
glass shards shattered on the floor
Freshly opend cans filled to the rim flooding over
The sock that fell into the tea
The locked doors and forgotten details,
tokens, mementos left behind

Corners and doors hugging me tight on my way out,
a quick stabbing pain,
it's pull not push
Appointments lost cause I got it wrong,
wrong time, wrong place
the ungathering

Even more so when I'm tired or put on the spot
the chaos of first meetings, first dates spilling out into the world

Arrogance is not an option
for me
luckily,
this disposition of mine
keeps me sane, keeps me humble

It grounds me
this constant pull of gravity.