Work out,
not to boost your ego but to be able to care for others,

Broader shoulders not to intimidate but to carry your mothers groceries when she gets older. So she has something to lean on just as you did growing up.

A back massive enough to steady your fahter when he can't do it by himself anymore. An open invitation for him to place his hand.
"I'm proud of you son"

Bigger arms to hold your friends tight shall they ever need it. So they may never lose their smile and you may never lose yours.
And hopefully you may never lose each other.

A bigger chest not to boast with but for your lover to rest and hide from the world for just "five more minutes" longer, while the first rays of sunlight  touch her face in the morning.

Strong hands that can gently support a childs head against the stomrs of this world but won't ever let go when they're needed to. To keep holding on of what's important.

Steady eyes, focused on the road ahead. So nobody gets lost on the way.

Capable legs to carry them home after a long night, and lay them to rest. To kick back whe life kicks you and tries to play *****.

And finally a strong mind to provide it all and more
and find purpose and happiness in doing so.

Mom,
you taught me
taught me by example.

To be your honest and most authentic self.
Which made it hard for me to be myself.
I didn't know who I was anyway.
But now I see you are holding yourself back for me,
holding back the questions that must be killing you,
to ask,
"Are you okay, is my child happy?"
The fears of getting left (again), of being unworthy of love.
The fear you inherited, as did I.
Did you fail everyone?
Are you here with me listening, or is your head back in your mothers kitchen?
You have to fight for every word from me.

You taught me to hone my perception, to watch, to listen, to learn
To appreciate living life which always seemed the most beautiful to you,
no matter your circumstances.
You saw things in the sun, the flowers and the birds,
the way clouds shape forms and the wind dances in the trees.
Life was always worth living to you, without question.

So now I notice the tears in your eyes everytime we meet.
I notice how you dress up prettier than to any date you ever went to in the past, just for me.
That you wear the little black bracelet I gifted you to your birthday on a wimp, picked up fom a market stand, passing by ages ago.
It doesn't really go with much,

I notice that you have to swallow your pride and
practically beg for my time, a glipse of my life
chase me, drive me into a corner so I can't evade you
Just so I can keep mine.
It hurts me too to see.

I can't give you what you want,
You hurt me growing up, helped mess me up,
triyng to help
I've always been lonely, always alone, isolation became comfort.
I needed a mother. Someone to take care of me, guide me, force me.
Yes, fight me cause I was the enemey. And I was fierce.
But you couldn't. You were still looking for answers yourself.

I couldn't wait for you to finally find them.
I had to go on, go through without you, build my own stability.
So I build many walls brick on brick, and I stacked high.
Even more between us, thicker than blood.
Because a mothers word is like a sledge hammer.
It breaks through wether you like it or not.
Always hits home, my neglected, angry, lost, little heart.
The world always seemed to much for me.

Yesterday a friend held me and didn't let go, let me escape,
Another let me rest in her lap and went through my hair.
The last time I had that and accepted it...
I can't remember
It's already hard to allow myself peace, worse even love,
but almost impossible to ask for it.

I'm slowly healing now, dancing through streets,
singing along to music so the neighbours can hear
Being my most authentic self without any forcing or faking.
Bringing out my innocent, cheeky childlike side to the light.
A honest smile without hiding the sadness in my eyes.
Trying to be brave to try and evantually fail again.
To walk the world and not look down, nor avert my gaze,
run and hide away.

I'm meeting people who support me, encourage me, push me.
Ther are so few of them, who care.
Maybe to few.
I'm still not very good at it. But it's getting better.

Opening up would still mean breaking my heart and yours too
it would mean hurting you, bringing you to tears again.
I don't want that.
You've been hurt enough, I've hurt you enough.

I can't take care of you. I can hardly do so for myself.
I'm still unable to cry for myself. Even when I try to push it.
I don't think things will ever be okay. I don't think we will ever have a family. That's not brokem.
But that's okay.

Honestly I don't think I really want to be fine.
I don't want to be fixed.
It's a part of me. This is me.
It has been for such a long time, I wouldn't know what to do without it.
It is my strenght and my weakness, my anchor and the strom.
My cage that I'm trapped in. Locked from the inside.
It feels safer here. I get to be in control for the most part.

I'm sorry mom,
I'm trying.
But some things can't be undone. Some things stay broken.
It's in the cracks where I  can find the most beauty in life.

I shall be remembered not by success and accomplishment
but by the kidness I gave to others.
I shall be recalled by my brightest laugh,
  the dimples of my cheeks
As a steady shoulder to my friends,
  an open ear to their stories.

But first things first
If you can do it, I too
can live.

You bring with you so much light, so much life,
it hurts sometimes
I try not to flinch away from the heat.
I have to avert my gaze.
You can't look into the sun for to long without going blind.
You leave me blindsided

Now I think I understand how Icarus must have felt.
Before he fell.

Hey,
so your mom called
She asked how you were doing

I said I wouldn't know for sure
I think you're doing oka(s)y
If you don't, you will in time
Sometimes it's hard to see what is going on in your mind,
you learned to hide it so well.
Underneath a face , a quick look, a smile
they becomer more real every time.

She seemed worried, tried to hide it, keep it in.
Something you learned from her maybe?
But you could just tell from her voice.
It shook for a second.
Breaking the everyday demeanour.

Then she asked me if her daughter still knows that she's beautiful. If I'd remind her for her.
You haven't visited in a while

I said mam, respectfully
the sun tries every day to shine a little brighter
to witness your daughter's life and warm her in her journey.
The moon puffs up it's chest, and pulls in the ocean over and over again
So your daughter can rest easier at night
And the stars soley come out to listen to her stoies and lift her worries in the dark

She impresses me more and more each day you see.
Your daughter is beautiful whether she wants to or not.
Through her looks, through her acts, her struggles
Her witts, her charm, her little faults her ... her, yes her everthing.
Her silly laugh, I'd recognize everywhere
She is one of the few true things I was ever lucky enough to experience.

Honestly she drives me crazy sometimes.
I admit sometimes, I have to slow down, fall behind and
Take a moment to breathe, to process.
Thinking I can't handle it, thinking I'm to weak, thinking I'm
not good enough.
I'm so scared of the possibility losing her someday.
Losing her trust, her heart, her interest.
I'm so scared of losing my ****. Apologies.
But it's true.

Looking at her, having her in my arms, waking up to her
I now understand
Life can get really scary once you decided to care and commit
As a boy I always pretended not to be scared, to be brave.
Now I feel like a boy again. But I must be a man.
For her.

I can't promise you her happiness,
I can't know if it will last
But I can promise as long as I'm here,
and the world is here,
she will never go alone.

Hi mom,

Today I lived
today I felt the flowers bloom
I joined the birds in their celebration
with smoke and sunshine in the air
We danced trough the streets to any music we could find
And sometimes we just made our own
We fell from one encounter to the next
the stock exchange of kind words
Our Eyes, ears and hands never went lonely
always filled with wonder

Till the sun had enough and went
And the night covered us with it's veil of comfort and privacy
Turning words to whispers of wisdom
Turning grown man to infants again, resting all curled up
Voices reaching out, like skipping stones over the dark water beneath us.

I fell in love four times over today
In a look, a touch, a second
Each one a magical opportunity found, but then lost right away
The moment's passed, your friends are waiting

So many pretty people roaming the streets,
Little frog head I was to shy to talk to you
but maybe see you again? Next year same spot?
Where the flowers bloom and the people are dancing with food in their hands

Good night now Mama,
I want you to know, today I lived

"Be the good you want to see in other people"
oder so

- was Ghandi sagt