Jonas

Jonas Apr 2023

Someties I wish I could relive some of the firsts
They're always so fleeting in the moment you're in
They pass to quickly in the panic of the unkown,
leaving no chance to aprreciate what is being presented to you.

The first time seeing the ocean
smelling the salty air, toes buried in the sand
Trying to gift you all the pretty shells and stones the beach holds
Listening to the waves coming and leaving,
you're putting an open shell to my ear
Mom
I'm on your shoulders now, counting all the sails on the horizon
I'm their Captain now, they ought to listen to my command
Dad
Seagulls shouting from above, salt in the water and on my lips
My finger digging deep,
challenging the ocean with little walls and ditches of dirt.

The first sleepover at your house, my friend
staying up late gaming, jumping in lakes
Pretentious wine glasses in our hands filled with sweet,cheap energy
All these books, stories yet unexplored, so eager to be opend,
Before the fireplace,
Embers cracking, giving warmth to our conversations
till the sun comes up
The morning dew smells fresh and pink and we're falling asleep.

The first time this one cute girl laughed a bit to loud at something stupid I said,
Approaching you carefully, testing out the water
Drunkenly leaning on to you, getting closer.
My piercing caught in your fishnet,
You caught me
Waking up in the morning next to you
"What happend, I can't remember?"
The first kiss and the second first, both equally akward
Do you want to be my girl?
Y / N / Maybe?
Maybe this time I gift you the lighter I bought for you the day after we met
Maybe this time I can explain to you how confused you left me.

Oh this little lost boy never knew what he was doing,
He still has no clue.

All these special little moments lining up to a lifetime gone by,
So many of them, getting fewer and fewer by the day
Not good or bad, mean, beautiful or disappointing yet
just beyond of it all,
A plain new adventure, a shot in the dark
in this life you're trying to live right going forward
but you'll only ever understand in retrospective.

When it's to late.

Jonas Apr 2023

Lost kid in the big mall

I just want to be able to cry again
why can't I cry anymore?
When did that happen?

I just want some relieve
Please
just for a little bit

Jonas Mar 2023

I'm a giver

My only job in this world seems to be
to be pleasing and serving others
who didn't even ask for it
And they don't know gratefulnes
don't know how to appreciate what is given to them so freely
just take and want and demand even more.

"They're just to young, they will learn, surely. I can
hold out just a little longer."
Till you're left behind all empty, all used up
bleeding out on the floor.
And yet still right where you started,
still lonely and now broken too.

Trying to hold in your spilling guts,
mending your shatterd porcelain pieces of mind,
licking your wounds in your corner.

Till you're ready to go again,
still desperate for a gesture, a touch, a smile
Any signs of validation of your worth
to others,
who will only ever take more from you.
You chase it like your next fix.
You can't help it anymore, it's a habit, you're hooked.

Cause you're so worthless, purposeless, utterly alone.
Just a kid lost in the mall, waiting to be called out
and carried back home where you belong.
Carried to safety.

I own what is given to me now.

Jonas Mar 2023

any therapy spots open?

I grew up loved
yet I feel unworthy of it

I don't deserve,
can't accept the happiness

Mother what heave you done
What am I to make of this?

I just want it to stop ,
stop feeling like this

There's no purpose for this kid
Good times have never lasted long here.

Jonas Mar 2023

Things that help

Runners high
out of breath, muscles aching
when I managed to get up, get out get by.

And left my room

The sun shining on my face
pulling you closer to my chest
a summer affair's embrace.

It's warm

When my music resonates
sounds make up my brain
and my heart beats to the rhythm
Here's to another day, my fellow inmates.

All is fine in the world when drowned out.

Looking out the window of a moving train
the landscape's rushing by
Get some distance, might not feel the pain
at least not for a while

Reset my settings.

When you tell me I'm enough,
I'm doing fine
I imagine

I've never heard these words spoken before

Jonas Mar 2023

Oh, shut up

Take me, take me in
pull me closer
and brush my skin.

Here's my lips, my face,
kiss me, have a seat
Oh, what a sweet embrace.

Take control of me, please.
I don't want to hold the reigns.
You have me on my knees.

Before you.
Leave yor marks on me.

Jonas Mar 2023

Growing up

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.