[Marcus] Some feelings
are like old familiar friends.
Depression's like that for me.
When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness,
but it's… different to feel it again.
It's the difference between
remembering what a room looks like
and actually walking through the door.
Being inside it again.
Feeling it.
When the episode starts,
it can be slow at first.
An intrusive thought,
"I don't wanna be here,"
but then it's gone.
You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell.
When it hits you fully though,
when you're really in it, it's everything.
It's who you are, you're nothing else.
On the outside, you look the same,
smiling and pretending is so much work,
but inside, it's a different story.
You start to hate yourself.
You're so alone, so unbelievably alone.
And you can be with someone you love,
but you're not really with them.
We think we know what's going on
with other people, but we don't.
You never really know what's going on
inside someone else's head.
Everyone's fighting a battle
you can't see.
We all have blind spots.
And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you,
and it's also exhausting.
So ******* ****** and exhausting,
and it's helpless.
It's a void,
and existing takes so much energy,
you wanna sink into a hole of nothing
where no one talks to you
and you don't have to smile or talk or be.
Anyway, it's familiar.
I've been here before,
gotten out of it before,
but the getting out part
becomes the room that you remember
but aren't in.
And that's what's scary.
Ginny and Georgia S2E8, Marcuse's monolouge