I grew up loved
yet I feel unworthy of it

I don't deserve,
can't accept the happiness

Mother what heave you done
What am I to make of this?

I just want it to stop ,
stop feeling like this

There's no purpose for this kid
Good times have never lasted long here.

Runners high
out of breath, muscles aching
when I managed to get up, get out get by.

And left my room

The sun shining on my face
pulling you closer to my chest
a summer affair's embrace.

It's warm

When my music resonates
sounds make up my brain
and my heart beats to the rhythm
Here's to another day, my fellow inmates.

All is fine in the world when drowned out.

Looking out the window of a moving train
the landscape's rushing by
Get some distance, might not feel the pain
at least not for a while

Reset my settings.

When you tell me I'm enough,
I'm doing fine
I imagine

I've never heard these words spoken before

Take me, take me in
pull me closer
and brush my skin.

Here's my lips, my face,
kiss me, have a seat
Oh, what a sweet embrace.

Take control of me, please.
I don't want to hold the reigns.
You have me on my knees.

Before you.
Leave yor marks on me.

Growing up

Living without anyone to lean on, to depend upon
without someone to trust
I grew strong yet I am so weak
I grew independent, detached from the world
Always on the verge of breaking, tumbling down
hitting the ground.

Don't get up,
listen
it's not worth it, not wort the pain
It's never getting better
never goes away
Happiness, heart, love
all lies,
Constructs of a world that's not meant for you,
not for me to thrive in.
There are no flowers blooming here.

I need to vent
when it gets to much in the back of my neck
the preassure presses me down
clawing, gnaling, biting into my flesh
Voices in my head, getting louder and louder
a chorus of mine, but no
they're so mean, this can't be me.

What is, who, when for what, and what, why, why?
Oh, to bad, time's up ,
You gotta function again
gotta head out, get to work, get it done then
Yes, Hi how are you? Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
All is fine in the world, have a nice one,
goodbye.

And the voices come back, they're always there
sometimes they're loud,
sometimes lost in the backround somewhere
They're out for what you owe them,
things you put aside for later,
well later is now, payday, Whatcha gonna do?
They're taking out bits and bits till nothing's left.

Hi Dad, it's me
I'm nothing, I'm left
I act, act out, act it out
I need control, so
I go over board, over it all over again.

Till I find my moment, my space
A breath of fresh air,
In and out, for a minute or two
Finally
some Peace

In and out
In all these minutes or two
days, months even becoming years
and still counting,
who is still counting, counting on you?
All of this in this cruel world
this ****** up beautiful mess

That you brought me into.

Some gems are lost forever
sparkle
never to be found

Maybe that's for the better

[Marcus] Some feelings
are like old familiar friends.
Depression's like that for me.

When I'm not in it, I don't remember it.
I remember it's bad.
I remember the darkness,
but it's… different to feel it again.

It's the difference between
remembering what a room looks like
and actually walking through the door.
Being inside it again.
Feeling it.

When the episode starts,
it can be slow at first.
An intrusive thought,
"I don't wanna be here,"
but then it's gone.
You bat it away like a fly or a bad smell.

When it hits you fully though,
when you're really in it, it's everything.
It's who you are, you're nothing else.

On the outside, you look the same,
smiling and pretending is so much work,
but inside, it's a different story.

You start to hate yourself.
You're so alone, so unbelievably alone.

And you can be with someone you love,
but you're not really with them.
We think we know what's going on
with other people, but we don't.
You never really know what's going on
inside someone else's head.
Everyone's fighting a battle
you can't see.
We all have blind spots.

And you know it's you.
It's something wrong with you,
and it's also exhausting.
So ******* ****** and exhausting,
and it's helpless.

It's a void,
and existing takes so much energy,
you wanna sink into a hole of nothing
where no one talks to you
and you don't have to smile or talk or be.

Anyway, it's familiar.
I've been here before,
gotten out of it before,

but the getting out part
becomes the room that you remember
but aren't in.

And that's what's scary.

The first rays of warm sunlight
on your skin
after the winter break.

Feels like a warm embrace
when your body is starved of touch.

Hints of fresh air
as petals blossom
and the sea water starts warming up.

Let's meet,
Let's revel
Oh to live again.