This shouldn't be happening again
These nights sobbing
The hours just staring off into space
The only difference this time
Everyone I'd ever turned too is gone
Sure, I could call them up
But it's 2:30 and I've lost touch with most of them
And it's all my ******* fault
I was only with them a few months ago
I thought I was so miserable back then
But I can only wish that someday I'm half as happy as I was back then
I don't think anyone of them would recognize me now
I'm a shell of my former self
I was a good person with them
Or at least I attempted to be
How would they recognize me
When j can't stand to forgive myself for my sins
Three months...
I've hurt, manipulated,and destroyed people
I can't get close to anyone
Not after what I've done to everyone
So I'll lay here
Home for the weekend when I easily click have stayed
Trying to hide my problems from my parents because they have more important things going on right now
Dead silent, as anyone I would go to
Anyone who would tell me that it's going to be okay
Is our living life
And forgot about the kid who tried to forgot about them

Let the pitch black room comfort me
Another wasted semester
Spending too much wasted
And wasting away to much
All the talks didn't help
The pills never felt more *****
Even when they kick in
I don't recognize the man I've become
And the pills are making me sad
And the sadness makes me want more pills
And I need to get away
Stop swallowing these poison
I need to go to New York
And I need to find you

Muscles twitch in a ******* meandering
You are skirting the edge again
Fibrotic restriction of failing lungs
Punch the muscle the size of a fist
Keep on keeping on **** you
Build me a box of screens
Let me put my head in it
Drown me in fluid entertainment
Fill my head with anything other than me
**** and ******
Reality and macabre
The world is ending
The people who get paid to do so
Will say
The Amazon is on fire
The ice is on fire
Honk Kong is on fire
Lebanon is on fire
What the hell
Did polar bears do wrong
To get set on fire?

Combine a volatile mixture of ego
And the ability to work just a little bit harder
And you get a generation
Of people who value what they can do
More than what they should do
Where stuff
Money
The ******* pieces of art hanging in the walls
Are more important
When you look a man in the eye
Than what you see looking back at you
Do you think you could **** a man?
Knowing you'd be saving him from so much
And shaming him to never be saved
Do you think you could still pull the trigger while he pleaded for you to stop?
Would you feel responsible for the rush of a will to live when take the gun away?
You *******
That wasn't supposed to be the way it was
Every single person I've met has told me
Part of growing up is accepting what you can't change
Well Mr. Full of **** and vinegar
You've done enough accepting for the both of us

I am trapped in a deep darkness
Im the blind trying to lead the sighted
I am no longer able to see the difference between light and dark
A vast white expanse laid out for me
A god to create what he wants
The white pages
Will remain blank to avoid the darkness
I was never able to create them

Insecurity is what killed God
Lack of faith
In the most faithful being
Scared of his own power
Certainly he has never failed
But omnipotents crumbles to nothing
In the face of insecurity
Can God move an unmovable stone?
Of course he can
But he won't
Because he became an atheist
To himself
After he failed to save the one
Who needed it most
Even if
It was according to the plan

No one remembers the kid who bore his soul to you
No one cares enough to remember what I said to you
No one dares to bring up the problems
No one dares to let the world continue bye
No one dares to look you in the eye
And say the words that you desperately need to hear
No one ever thought to listen to the poet
Instead of his words

I really try and write to find you
I guess my problem is I'm to impatient
everyday I wake up and I know
that today will be the day
it has to be the day
I'm running out of time
I need to find you
which is why I have my heart broken every time
Because I place too much in it
when someone looks me in the eye

How readily one can push aside
the mere thoughts of great struggles
when someone else less deserving of them
is put on the line
When the trials begin to ramp up
and you don't think you can make it
I just want to be able to say
I stuck out a hand

Looking around the web
trying to find a way to publish
and I started to think of what name to use
and I remembered I gave you
The Blue Scarf
and I know I'm Blue Flask now
but ****, did that scarf mean something back in the day
and hopefully it wasn't all in vain
but yeah, I'm looking around to publish
thanks for everything folks
I wouldn't be looking if you are didn't read these words
so thank you all

i think self hatred is just another word for self respect
i respect who i am enough to know that i'm not perfect
i know that i can do better
whether its lifting weights
or talking to you
i know that i can talk to you perfectly
but i choose not to
because self hatred is a lot more than a self image
its a drug
and i'm addicted
i hate myself and what i've become
i can be so happy
but i'm addicted to my depression
because its the only thing that makes sense

I think now I can breathe
And finally accept the good life
Maybe give this whole affair a new shot
We are both pretty messed up
For different reasons of course
You and your past
Me and my future
Sometimes we are on oposite sides of the coin flip
Sometimes we are closer than two hearts can be
But we were always there for eachother weren't we?

In the city that never sleeps
Every city shares that name
Its growing later and later
and thats okay
I was blinded by a stupid crush
Something that should've have been nothing
But it consumed me
and made me into a shell
I never did do well
forming bonds with others
but I'm in a clear mind
and a clearer conscious
Today marks the beginning of a new time
a time where I'm me not just in writing
a time where I don't worry about all the details
a time where I can start down the road to be happy
a time where maybe I can start to really look for you

This is how it goes babe
Feeling nauseous from the cheap liquor
It's that I promise
It's not me
It's funny that your sober
And I'm nowhere close to stable
Music blaring in my ear
Cops waiting in the hall
Liquor is slowly relaxing my blood
Allowing me to be drunk on life
This is how it goes babe
This is the closest Icarus can get
To the synthetic sun
And synthetic happiness

It's in the bottom of the bottle
The truth every artist or poet
Spends their life looking for
It's hidden in such a simple place
The bottom of the bottle
Is it empty for the right reasons?
Was it drunken quickly
A man desperately needing a low buzz
Or maybe it was a slow last sip
A night nursing the bottle
Was it a heavy drink?
Were the last shreds of hope
Represented in that pile of soaked spice left over?
Or maybe it was a lighter kind
Something you could slam down
And ignore how many ways
You can see your life
In the bottom of the bottle

Maybe it's because I'm tired
Maybe it's because of you
I accidentaly called everyone
I met today your name
A nap with my book on my face
A goodnight to me
A goodnight back
But you aren't here right now
It's someone else
It usually is

It's the world you miss
Locked away in your head
It's the ones back home
When you walk away
It's the ones you loved
When you turn you back
It's the ones who said
Everything will be alright
When you turned away
It's the ones who are no longer here
Might as well be gone from this earth
It's the ones you would give the would for
If they were to be back here
It's the ones you miss
When in the city
It's the ones who made the loneliness die
When you went away
It's the ones who you whisper to
That it'll all work out
Because that's what we do
Lie to each other so we can wake up again
Tomorrow is just a few lifetimes away

Back and forth
between the library and the pharmacy
heres this book to memorize
here is this pill to make you happy
running myself ragged
I wonder if me from a while ago would recognize me know
God I was so happy back then
Still had my bouts mind you
But there was always a childlike joy
But we all grew up didn't we?
Our hearts become shattered remnants
Our faces full of hair
Our stomachs full of laughing air
and our lungs full of a constant sickness
I turned into an old man before I had the chance to be young
And I made it that way
It was never her fault
It was never this city
It was always me
It was always me

no matter the new look
no matter the new way of thinking
no matter how many times I'll say I starting over
no matter how many times I say I'm quitting
no matter the setbacks
no matter the successes
it was never enough
it will never be enough
because I refuse to let go
I refuse to see I to eye
I have to win this
No matter the friends
No matter the therapists
I have to beat this by myself
Because any other way
Would be fake in my eyes

I really need you to understand something here.
Not the you that this has all been about,
but the you that this is all for.
I just want you to know
that when I meet you
I'll never write again.
The reason I write,
The reason I've always written,
was to find you.

I'm trying to lay this out as clearly as possible
You are not acting like the you I know
Is it because of my stupid confession?
Or have you juts gotten tired of my *******?
You caused me to stay up late again
Thinking through all the what ifs
Please just laugh one more time

I was bad when I was younger

To arrogant with my ways

Spurned those deemed below me

Those kings and queens now hold

My indigo fate

The whispered words
only heard by the darkness
on the verge of a deep sleep
brought on by the exhaustion
sprinting this part of the marathon
three words was all it took for things to change
accidental confirmation of feelings
long overdue confessions
but still much too soon
the secrets that me and the dark hold
bind us together in a brotherhood of time

if  there was a way to get back home
to get away to sleep
to move out of this room
self seclusion is just as real as forced
the only difference is you are the jail and the jailor
but I need to do well on this exam
it seems thats all I ever think about anymore
and these words aren't supposed to reflect that part of me
and for that I am sorry

I used to stay up at night a lot
Wondering if all the people
Who knew about this
And who I am
In real life
Still read this
And know what I've become
But tonight
I'm wondering why I cared so much
In the first place

How many times
Can I drown myself in you
Every time I see you know
You are happy
I think back on all those moments we shared
Wernt you happy then too?
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
God you were beautiful
And you were mine
We could spend hours doing nothing
No words
Just the feeling of our heart beats
How many times
Can I drown myself in you
I just want to get over you
So ******* badly
But **** did you leave a hole in my heart
That aches past midnight
On days like today
The day's the pills were a bit to late

There's something about **** cheap beer
The kind that makes you want to throw up
As it rushes down your throat
As the half drunken *******
Dance in front of you
Making a fool of themselves
And this place they call home
There's something in the way they move
Like too many fallen stars
Reminds me of home
Somewhere I haven't been in a long time
There's and empty seat next to me
Old and new people come and go
And we have nice little conversations
That remind us of who we are
As the new bottle opens
And a new person appears
I feel a little bit more alive

Inside every knight is a man
who just wants to go home and see his wife
who wants to teach his kids to be happy
Inside every knight
Is a man who is unsure of himself
who is worried about an enemy finding the weak spots in his armor
Inside every knight
Is a weak man
weary and beaten down
A man who only wants to watch the stars
And whisper sweet goodbyes to his love
Inside every night
Is a man who uses the darkness as a shield
To live and be free from his knights armor

Melancholic thoughts in a hazy storm
Somewhere between
Knowing who you are
And what you want to do
Bleary dreams fill the night
Of times you never knew
Stories flutter in and out
Like the seagulls you used to see daily
***** and a flabby grey
Cawing at you when you try and rest
Translucent plans made to be opaque
Fill the speech around me
Lies upon lies
Houses of magnitude built upon
A crumbling foundation of dormancy
Acrid breaths flow as the night wears on
Until the shrill cry of the work clock
Wakes you from dreams
You would rather go back to
Then go back to being a gear
Mountain man as much as you can
Grizzled and survivable
But tame in patterns and behavior
Shame filled nights
Spent filling the liver full of death
And the lungs full of heaven
For you are not what you are
And you never can be
What you want to be
For you are weak in all the wrong ways

Monday we fell in love

Tuesday I realized I hated you and what you've become

Wednesday I knew that you hated me back

Thursday we talked and we knew everything would work out

Friday we got drunk and accidentally hated each other again

Saturday we were hungover and had work to do

Sunday we said goodbye, because we ran out of time, and we fell out of each other's arms

Neon dreams swirl around you
As you lay in this warm water
A foggy mind
Well deserved after the day of pretending to work
Suits you well this evening
As you gripe and smile
And say you caused some things to happen
To some detestable people
So that the one you told this too
Will think that this is a bad person
Who is bad to other bad people
But in reality
He's nothing
And can't hurt others
Even himself

This wasn't how it was supposed to be
These feelings of sadness and wrongness
Deep down inside
Constantly persisting on my waking moments
I wish there was something I could do to help
But I don't think we will talk about what happened
I don't think that we will for a while
And now I'm going away
And I already miss you
And I already wish I had stayed

Christ
What time is it?
Past 2 again
****, I really need to get some sleep
I have to get up early
But everything we've ever said
What am I saying?
I've known you less than a week
I've talked to you for less
I hate myself for doing this
Sometimes i feel like im just doing it on purpose at this point
******* up my life
Causing me to hate myself
Its important this time though
At least thats what I've been told
Theres too many things that can go right
And thats what makes staying up so hard
My genie is gone
My well run dry
I'm alone on this one
And I think I'm doing well
It's almost three now...

Write what you hear me say down
Listen to me speak
Read the words on the page
When can I become more than that?
When can I become the one behind the words?
When can I write what I wanted
Instead of what I needed to hear?

lithe heat strikes this insipid core
a corpse beyond any defintion
my heart is failing
my brain is failing soon
my liver
pancreas
are odes to grecian God's
ambrosia is the **** of the grecian urn
Mary Percy Shelly shelled
Why do I feel like Frankestien
the monster, not the creator
the tag line i need to say
to show i am me,  i am smart
that i am not Dr. Frankentien
wasting away with a prompt
that i am real
i am real
I am real
please
please God
I am real

Living is staring at the spinning walls every night
Love is thinking about texting someone and forgetting
Happiness is driving for hours at a time with no end

Living is waking up with your liver hurting
Love is the daily phone call where you say everything is going just fine
Happiness is being able to watch hours of YouTube at night

Living is driving through the hills, windows down with some upbeat music
Love is recording my voice saying “I love you” and spending hours to change it so it’s not me but still sounds real
Happiness is a quilt my great grandmother gave me

Living is curling yourself up so tight that it hurts
Love is reading the same books multiple times because your heart hurts so much it makes you sick with how much you love the characters
Happiness is waking up and never getting out of bed

Living is the hand tremors
Love is the acid reflux
Happiness is from the bottom of the bottle

Living is dancing to songs early in the morning
Love is a warm bath with lavender
Happiness is the smell of spring cleaning

Whatever this is though
Doesn’t make me feel alive

I'm going to be stuck here for a long time
I gave up a lot to make others happy
I spent my happiness when I didn't have any to spend
I wanted to travel the world
To spend nights curled up
Next to a roaring fire and you
And watch the stars move over head
Nothing on my mind but the dull glow
Of the cheap cinnamon whiskey
But I don't think that can happen now
I can't go more than a few minutes
With life catching up
All the things I gave up
I thought it was for so much more
The path I carved in my life
The oaths I promised to my darkest parts
The dreams that kept me going
You were only ever supposed to be dreams
So why is it so hard to say goodbye

I could lie and say it was an accident
but I've always hoped to accidentally see you one more time
We were both driving somewhere, different directions
I feel like there is a joke there
and I know you didn't recognize me
I changed how I look a lot since you last saw me
I wasn't sure what I was expecting
but this longing certainly wasn't it

I am an empty wasteland
Studded with stained remnants of coffee cups
Papers are strewn about, telling stories about people
Who will never exist.
They seem so much more real than I have ever been
Musky clothes line the floor sending unseen spores deep
Into the lining of my lungs
I am one with where I am
Food and pills surround every speckle of surface
A myriad of tye dye colors
How much happiness can they fit inside a pill?
books and posters leave plastered imprints on the walls
Anything to show that this isn’t all there is
To a life that was never worth it to you

I am a bleeding liver
Half guzzled liquor
Spilled into cracked cups creates scummy films
Rainbow reflections of light from vertical screens
How’s that for a pride display?
In the rainbow of puddles
A failed education fills a shelf
Reading is so far beyond
Me
A fan buzzes in my ear
An angry bee that pounds thousand ***** to keep me cool

I am a furnace
That burns paper ideologies
Nothing here is permeant
Real is just a concept
Gallons of water to satiate an always parched throat
Diluted blood fills these veins
A slow death from oxygen deprivation
With no belt around the neck

I am a fetid corpse
That can still move
Still think
Still spew methane
Use a screen to reach out
Talk to a thousand other blank eyed, slack jawed clones
What does it mean, these words on a white background
Are you the reaper?
The coroner?
I’m breathing
I’m sweating
I’m *******
I’m not living
Air fills these two sacks
Red sewage is pumped into grey hands
A jolt down the spine
Is all I am
What am I?
I am a medicated pig
I am an artist failed dream
I am a cloud, high and falling constantly down
I am a camera, only able to record, but never interpret
I am
I am

Misanthropic identities long past
Gravestones resting high in the sky
Size of the grace given to them
Is the same as the value of the lives thrown away
Past and future hopefuls
Able to dream and be free
Locked away in the middle of the night
These people whisper about their misanthropic ideals
And the walls will listen
As no one else dares to disturb the silence
Brought on by a mad man sobbing

In the city
there lies a marble statue
a beautiful piece of art
no two people see the same face
some see their loved ones
only if they are gone
some see themselves
although they don't recognize them
some see their parents
swearing they see heads shaken in disappointment.
What do I see?
A marble statue
head turned towards me

My tinny laugh fills rooms my lungs could only hope to achieve
Merriment and the soul of old Bachus
fills this weary frame
I'm told I'm so full of life
The life of the party
So happy that I exhale living
I'm living
I am alone in my room
I'm living
Haggard blonde hair and purple eyes look at me in the mirror
my face is red, my marbles are bleeding
Thoughts of stories and characters I love with all my heart
emesis on pages that used to be blank
I talk to myself almost constantly
words and phrases repeated in a Tourettic staccato
Blinking away the inner rain as I walk into stores
"Sometimes I just get hit with an intense sadness
Where I want to curl into myself
Light the forge of my heart
Warm these dying limbs"
I am told I look so happy
And I wonder if I perhaps should have gone into acting
I feel so often like the cliche
asking myself in between podcast and music and ****
"It's...never going to get better is it?"
and I've spent so many years fighting to answer that question
I've spent many years fighting for the answers
in questions that I don't want to ask
I'm struck by fits of inexorable sadness
and two decades of reflection has given me nothing but these words
written in dark rooms
with my smiling face

Meltonin taken nightly
To combat insomnia
Causes one to wake up more
Due to the dreams it causes
Trying to convey some meaning
That you assign yourself
Waking up gasping
Screaming for air
Feeing like you can't breathe
Dreams are for the sleeping
Hope is for the dead
A one man happy show
A starving artist
Who does it all
Not for some vague philosophical end
But because he doesn't like the taste of food
Light bulbs flicker
And the demons come
And I'm left here wishing
I can just sleep soundly

I'm an entitled oxford-esque *******
I'm white, wealthy, and have a family
Who made money by running businesses
And I can't forgive myself
For being born into this
But this isn't about white guilt
This is about the way
The parents and family
Of this entitled pseudo-intellectual
And how the mom gets angry
At the dad for not giving her enough money
To buy a drink in a gas station
Because although no one says it
She'll take any extra money and use it
For her gambling addiction
And how the mother gets angry
At the daughter for spending to much
(How can one not choke on the irony?)
And not being responsible
And how the father
Doesn't know what to do
As he sold the business
And just wants to make money
And his daughter is bringing home
A boyfriend who they all hate
Merry ******* Christmas

Wasted afternoons
Spent wasted on the poor drugs
I just want freedom

Disappointment flows
From my eldridth mind like flies
Seething in the night

Dreams at night make it
So that I cannot wake up
And face my mistakes

Here alone again
Different from last time
Getting back from just hanging out
Instead of hanging out just to get back
College has changed me
Perhaps too much
Maybe not enough
I wonder if anyone back home would recognize me
I winder if they ever think about me
Do they miss me? Those friends of mine
We promised that although we were going across the state
That we would never stop being friends
All of us and our promises
Like the soft sound of raindrops on the window
Slowly falling away, until they all collect
and then fall away all together

Flying over these peoples life's
Lights running like liquid gold
Across the cold shell that we made it to be
Rivers running like black blood
Through the artificial grounds
Those lights down there
Passing by thousands of lives
These lights are were everything has been made
All the first memories of love
All the happiness we feel
The days spent curled up with one another
The deaths of those before their time
The last goodbyes parting cracked lips
The salty bitter taste of tears gone bad
Lithe little lights running around
Carrying these memories around
High above the cloud tops
The little golden lights
Dancing in the fading eyes
Sleep now
Sleep to forgot

We were barely starting our journey when it ended
Snuffed out, holding candles in the rain
Running from the rest of our lives
Anything to live and be free in the moment right?
Hand in hand, we ran so far away
Up and down the campus streets
Lined with rain?
Sure, but lined with life!
Alive with each other
the light behind each others eyes
Shouldn't have been compared to the streetlights
The concrete gods, angry at the pale skin pigs
who dared to defy their will
Slowly drained the light from your eyes
And no doubt you saw the same in me
And now that we meet in the moonlight
Our eyes only reflecting the earthen natural light
A pale imitation of what it used to be
We say goodbye for the final time
We cant pretend anymore
We can't try to be happy now
It's time to start living again
With no hands but or own

Full moon beams
Illuminate the battered seams
In this otherwise perfect
Sea of dreams

A place where I am
Exposed as a drunken sham
As the moonlight sonata
Fills the airs empty bottle with a dram

A tragic fool
I must be a tool
For this grand orchestra
Oh how fate can be cruel

No one to blame
Except my want for fame
And here after the show
The winds shakes my weary frame

So as the lights go dark
And hades dogs bark
I have but one regret
That I never put a bullet
In my heart

I'm not quite sure how to feel
I miss you I suppose
I guess this is the part
Where I usually explain what's wrong
All the new friends
The ones I never asked for
All huddled around
I even gave them the blanket
But that's not important
What is?
Right right
This reminds me of home
That night a few weeks
Christ a few weeks
All the old friends i made
The ones I never thought I'd miss
It's always the same situation isn't it?
Sitting in the crowd
Wishing I wasn't
A victim of circumstance
I'll scream from the roof
I hate that term
I need a drink
I hate drinking
I need you back
I think you hate me
Can I have anything?
Other than the grave I dug myself of course
I'll always have that