i thought when i left for college
i'd miss my friends the most
or maybe my parents
but what i spend my time missing
is my bed
i can completely relax all my muscles in my bed
i can write all i want without people seeing
i can scream into the mattress
and abuse the blankets
my bed made me feel like i could sleep
i haven't slept very well here
i miss you
my bed

He grew up his entire life on a dot
a town that barely shows up on a map
of the entire county
he was a prisoner there
much like most teens
and found freedom in a car
where he drove around
and found the things that made him who he is
and he just can't understand
that you aren't even from around where he was from
yet you've been to every place he has
a shadow following years ahead or behind
never meeting until you both ended up in the city
never meeting until you stayed up late one night
never meeting until you saw each others eyes

Nodding off in Chem lecture
You have to look around
You haven't slept well recently
When everyone in the family
Hates their own roommates
So come all you hopeful
Into the cousins house
Give us the company
Let us fall for you
So we can kick you out
And see you looking at us
When we can't sleep at night
When we can't sleep right now
So let's fantasize about the good and bad
Waking nightmares aren't so bad
As long as I can sleep
And you stop staring
I promise I won't mess up anymore

lost from the albums
of but what about
or but they are
or they aren't so
hidden in the city's newfound mist
lie the secrets to the happiness you always wanted
creatures in the dark
blindly searching for the next
struggling to recall your face
and the feel of your hand in mine
its going to be a cold night
and this fog is suffocating the life from this city

Last night at night I had a broken dream

That you were only the shadow of the person

That I couldn't be. And though the sun had set

All those times ago, the shadow seemingly remains

As the night draws longer, forever on

The only hope I have

Is that today's new born sun

Will finally let me go

You know

sometimes when everything is going really well

I like to turn of the computer, shut off my phone, and just look at my ceiling

I mean, these little times of introspection are what they know me for right?

You know that feeling when everything's going good so you do things to either make problems or make yourself sad?

What's that called? Oh yeah, I'm an ******* that's right.

So many problems that aren't real

So many friends that I use

I'm afraid to think, because I don't trust myself to stay on this good path

Maybe it'll all get better at college

I'm counting on it

But I guess what I'm trying to say is

Happiness to me is closer than ever before

But I'm afraid as is the nature of things that with every high comes a low

I'll just try and make people laugh, make music, and read more

I went two weeks with no bad thoughts

All in all I'm pretty happy with that

He stalks these silent halls
A shadow on the wall
Not haven been spoken to in hours
And not spoken in many more
Everyone left the void this time
Leaving behind the shadows of doubt
Room to room
Silence to silence
He doesn't remember the halls being this cold
Shivers all along the strong front
He stalks on
Hunched shoulders and all
Long gone are the thoughts of speaking
For he is a monster
If only in his own head
And monsters shouldn't speak
For fear of being found out

Maybe it's the residual hangover
From a two day binge talking
But I see your presence a lot
It's hard not to in today's world
And sitting here writing this I am swaying
And every part of me wants to drink tonight
The last three times I have I have ended up sobbing in a corner
With people saying
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry
Where was I going with this?
Right, right
The residual drunkness brought on by a hangover
And the little hints you leave
I'm not sure if they are for me to find
Or maybe you are doing what I do
Or more than likely
You aren't doing any of those things
And I'm so desperate for something
Anything
From you
I'll turn the most menial of things into a mental scavenger hunt
Because it is noon on a Saturday
I have just woken up
I have a hangover
And I have lost all control of my life
Without you

Hark the herold's angels sing
glory to the new found king
of your own consciousness
let the ******* take over
and dream
dream something anything
for the love of god never stop dreaming

eldritch obscenities
thrown with reckless abandon into the cold night
left to fend for themselves
in a world of subtle normality

people want to control
and will find ways to do that
sure as the moon is real
and shines so brightly in our dreams

sometimes life is a note left on the mirror
saying sorry I had to run
there were some last minute errands to come up
and you tear the note up
take out all the anger you have for the leaver
and then when you are done
you take the pieces and put them back together
and put in back on the mirror
and when that day runs late
and they still aren't back
you take the note with you
to do the errands

Waking up in a stupor
Way past noon
Feeling like your body is dead
And your mind isn't far behind
This isn't a hangover from drinking
This is a hangover from living
Days getting longer
Nights getting shorter
Not just because of the Summer
My body moans and creaks
My mind hums with thoughts that were not supposed to be there
Another night gone
Wasted without being wasted
Loved while loving
Free while being caged
Breathing while drowning
And the best part?
I can't wait to do this all again

never enough time
constantly running out of the one thing we want
I want to live
lyric of a species
float on
into the blackness
knowing that
better than anyone else
was the one who truly
kept on keeping on
no one dies and wants to admit that they didn't secretly think they were the best
even if you are humble out the ***
you'd think you were the most humble
always something
7 billion right?
seven billion things to be the best at
no one knows this though
this is something the lepers whisper to the kings
as they throw some scraps of food onto them
we are all equal in the eyes of nothing
and the kings guard will take care of the *****
and the king will dismiss it immediately
one night he will wake up
filled with an inexplicable feeling
and see into the eyes of the all mighty nothing

Nebulous percolations
ideal futures fly by
pretentious is the venom you hate
but its the only thing you spew
late nights spent roiling in the thin cages
that you still throw over yourself
void like monsters
that you spawned
taunt you as you drift away
all it takes is a new start
but you are always running away from those
what's worse
the unknown future
or the tolerable present
hell isn't as hot as they say
and the future isn't as scary as you think
but you're in a trance like laziness
to keep everything exactly the same
and make sure what you think will happen
even if you don't want it too
will happen
because only fools dare to dream
that they are better than they are

I felt my heart break today
No more of that sappy ****
I mean physically
I woke up, I had to study
And when I got up to take a break
My heart broke on half.
It hurts now.

Maybe it was becuase I was going online
Maybe it's becuase I havnt thought of you in a while
You break my heart in my head
And now I broke it in my body
I hate sappy ******* things
Especially those sad endings

All my journals
Filled with my words
Were the quilt that kept me warm
In those dark, dark nights
The friend who always listened
When no one else could
But life
And that basterd time
They kidnapped me
And as my head
was filled with a shadows web
Instead of water
The dust grew on my words
And I noticed
And I didn't want them to go
So I took them
And filled them with what I thought
Was the answer
I filled them with oil
Water doesn't help to get into college
And whether I was pushed or walked
Alone
I am at the top of the admissions list
But now
In the prime of the greatest challenge
My words found me
And they drowned me
So I read them
And they read me
And I can never let them go
As much as I want to

grow to be old
and feel dust in your beard
long enough to regret your choices
and then realize that you can still be happy
listen to the ways of the wise
locked away in little workshops
screaming they are happy
that even though the world burns to them
they can still be happy
as who among the sane
can imagine being happy at anything
that is normal

I think we can both sit down and say
This is good for us
This will make us better in the future
We will go through the tunnel of hardships
Alone
And come out the other side
And be together
I think we can both sit down and say that
But I've had enough conversations with God recently
Spent to many hours driving across the earth
I know how this story will end
I know when we see eachother again
Things will be different
You won't feel the same way
Or maybe we will get back to normal
But drift apart after a time
You, in your infinite kindness
Have a small spark of life in an otherwise dead heart
And God, in his infinite wisdom
Took this now Luke warm heart
And told me no
That I'm not allowed to be happy
You were the closest I ever got
And even though you say this isn't my fault
And that we will see eachother at the end of the tunnel
I know how things like this turn out for me
And I hate how I will put myself through months of this mental hell
Just for a shot to be happy

Self seclusion is my punishment
For self imposed crimes
Sitting on a balcony
At a table made for two
The only reason I came back
Was because I was convinced I saw you
Wether you are already gone
Or I couldn't recognize you
I'm not sure
All I know is that for one second
I felt like my journey was over
Maybe I'll see you here again
And if I do, I can only hope I grow the courage to talk to you
Maybe I'm pathetic for not having that come easily
I'd probably agree with you
But that doesn't change the fact
That I'm sick of having a bag across from me
I'm sick of feeling the way I do
But more than anything else?
I'm sorry I haven't found you

Yes let's drive to the middle of the green
The algae infested lake
A sanctuary in a city
Yes let's look at the horizon and see nothing for once
Let us go then
Feel the sun kiss our cheeks
Let's hold each other tight
We both had cold hearts
Maybe we can salvage some respite from the heat
Let us go then
Into the water and into old age
We said we loved each other
We said a lot of things on the lake
We always say a lot of things on the lake

See know, thats the big secret
at the end of the day
we are all just a set of characters in a book
we share the same story as so many other people
too many others
so many that no building would be able to contain all of them
and when you see this secret
its not a big step to see how your story will end
so when you say these words
words that have been said with nothing but bad outcomes
I can't help but dread this time around

Make no mistake
im not an artist
im a lot of things
an poet isnt one of them
im a fake if i was real
everything i write
dances with the truth
like two prancing lovers in a field
who are slowly dying
from overdosing on something they shouldnt have taken
i hate what i write
i hate myself
i really do

In the highrise apartments
Looking out over the city
seeing the university life sprawled below
all the hearts weak in the knees
everyone breaking each others hearts
two of my best friends hooked up
its going to be a long few years
I feel bad i wanted them to fail
I feel so bitter that I helped them get together
I'm a sack of **** for not wanting my friend to be happy
but it ******* kills me whenever ever I see them
I'm a ******* monster

Particularly lucid moments
In an otherwise flash junk mind
Reminds me that this ship
Though full of holes
Can still float
And the good times can come
With the beach and the sand
And though the fogs on the horizon
(With hope filling that's were it will stay)
We dance and drink the night away

Sometimes I look out the window
Far our across this sprawling city
And I think maybe it'll all be alright
I wish more days were like today

Do you ever have pathetic dreams? Sound asleep, and you wake up and remember a dream where you were a pathetic creature to who you are now. A fetid little creature, too afraid of being judged to talk to others, but spouts how it isn't fair. A horrid sight, a man wasting away from eating to much, slowly killing himself in temporary relief, becuase the only time he feels safe is when he is eating. A sobbing mess of a man, beating his fist into the pillows that don't deserve the abuse.  A sad excuse for an intellectual, who is to dumb to realize he's addicted to his depression.  I wonder what the pathetic dreams are?

It's so hard to believe
that people are relieved
that the world is so cut and dry
and everyone thinks they know
what happens when we die
/
/ we're all nazis and ******
and pedophiles too
even if we never admit it
and we all think life is a stage
where we can all do our little bits
/
/ living day to day
with nothing on display
we can all go jump off a bridge
and have them argue at our funeral
over who gets the ******* fridge
/
/ there's a monster in all of us
waiting to be free
we're all villains at heart
with our banal little secrets
that only live in our heads
/
/ I try to write in a style
all good works are in
but everything I write makes bile
fill your ******* throats
just take look at this stanza
and tell me that I'm wrong
/
/ So lets all just sit back
and pretend its all okay
lets go out tonight and dance
and party the night away
so that we can all close our eyes
and just wait to ******* die

Smoky air filled with acrid fruit
Persian landscapes were nothing but a dream
Metal pipes full of haze
Hookah bar is where we decided tonight
We jump around from place to place
Looking for anything that'll stick
Some reason to come back
Groups come and go
Filled with vaguely familiar ghost
Drunk on the adventure
Slowly dying out in the sun
When did the thirst to live
Become living to drink
When did the streets turn grey
When did our hearts grow cold
The blood is stagnating in this city
And I can feel the encroaching winter
I'm scared for this one
And wether or not we can make it

The self proclaimed writer

Jerking himself off to exhaustion daily

(Never touched, never connected)

To play roulette with his circadian rhythm

And turn an otherwise docile daytime delinquent

Into a nocturnal creature's fear

All to avoid the cliched train wreck of a family

The alcoholic mother

The never proud father

And the always beyond reach sister

Yes yes, feel the waking nightmare

This insomniac desperately craves sleep

As the titular picturesque life

sobriquet to family cat

Is slowly causing his dormant degeneracy

To blister and boil the brain

And he feels like he is losing his mind

In this otherwise ideal world

This grotesquely pictersque

Fevered upper class dream

I hate this
The pills aren't working
And maybe it's because I'm drunk
But I think I hate everyone
Especially you
And these pills need to kick in
I can't stand this anymore

You went home for the weekend
after the travesty that Thursday night was i cant really blame you
is the answer to my question on your mind?
i told you
out of everyone here
the one i was trying to protect was close to me
that he didn't want you to know that he's falling for you
hard
you asked me so many questions about him
and i answered half true every time
i still refuse to lie
you walked away angry and slightly disappointed
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you the one i was trying to protect
but i am close to me
and i think you know it was me
so you've gone home now
for a few days
i thought it'd be a nice break before you asked me
but now i'm on edge
i'm so ******* excited for what happens next
yes no
it never really mattered
just the fact that i tried
is close enough to good
so when i see you Monday
i'll continue this silly game
because it makes me smile
and i'm just delaying the inevitable

The more sober I'm not

The colder my body feels

To aware to know that I can't go

And get more blankets

But not aware enough to think of a better idea

The only things stopping the cold from taking me

The warm glow of the screen in front of me

One of my best friends in my darkest rooms

You gave me the outlet to see the new world

And I gave you my memories and words

You caused me to be cold

You let me

It's all my fault

I hate you

Because I hate me

You just couldn't let me go one night without seeing her picture, her new boyfriend, her awkward smile because she never loved him like she did me, but you made my heart cold and my head dumb and it's all my fault and I miss you and I messed up, so badly.

I love you so much


Because you loved me back

Quitting is a lot more than stopping
It's a lot more than throwing in the towel
It's a lot more than dropping out
A lot more than giving up
This right here?
What I'm doing
This is quitting

Why must the casual conversation lull
The words that have so often
To often
Been used to describe you fail me
You are sitting right next to me
For once it's just you and me
But the amazing wordsmith I am
I can't utter but a thing
A wholly significant nothing
Sole purpose to reaffirm that I'm there
Everything between us
The stars and the universe
Would be nothing if you'd just turn to me
And answer the questions on our mind

When the shock brings you back from the dead
and when you can't stand me anymore
when you scream you hate me and don't want to do this anymore
remember days like today
remember how we didn't worry
how we were happy
that although we can't be close
we can still be close
that even though we can't be happy
we can try
remember when you heart stops
that we knew this was coming
and then we did everything we could

Remember the last time
remember when you were comfortable in silence
when you didn't feel the need to fill the void
remember when someone talked to you first
instead of you making the plans
remember the last time you slept the full six hours
instead of waking up every few hours
remember when you said you loved it here?
remember when you said you loved her?
remember when she broke your heart?
remember when you thought you found here,
the real her this time?
remember when you promised you wouldn't get depressed again?
remember making all these promises?
I do
and I remember breaking every single on of them

Dreams of childhood dementia
Castrated from ones own mind
Self delusions of a grandeur time
When the flames are snuffed around you
You never do realize where that horrid disease lays
Apathy is the killer of death
And the givingness of life
It rules over all of time
But allows single iotas to roam free
When this familiar world crumbled
I wanted to be remembered for something
Other than my silent gaze
And my hollow words
I'm sorry I can't care more
I'm sorry I couldn't I couldn't care enough
Because now you are gone

All along the eastern shore
Sand crashes along the ground
We spent too much time here
This was our retreat, our everything
Sandcastles in the rain
destined to fall before it was stand
time meant nothing for us
as every drop of water to the thirsty man
is like a waterfall to the full
as long as we had each other
we were so full of ourselves
thinking this world was only for us
that we were the king and queen
instead of the pauper and the ragged
we fell from the graces of a just god
we can barely remember those times
our castle in they sky

It's interesting
How some people
Can think they will live
With blood of others
Staining their hands
Signs missed
or maybe ignored
because at the end of the day
the signs we see
we will never want to say
because that means it can happen to any of us

One day,
you and I can walk into the ocean
on drunken melancholy nights
hand in hand
with respect equal for once
both walking forwards
with our respective crutches
and we will feel the cold brine
fill our nose
and the story will end
under a new starry night

find yourself in the space between birth and death
malignant sense of self
like a tumorous fold in your side
time and money
years and stocks
driving us to abandon ourselves
and drown in our collectiveness abandonment
But I think my problem is
I found someone else's sense of self
and viewing the world
through eyes that never really felt
like the belonged to me

Did God sit on these giant shale shelfs
Lining a gently flowing creek
Did God sit where I am
Feet dangling in the air
Barely touching the seemingly smooth surface
Did he know
That the creek is flowing fast
That's its just glass on the surface
Is that why God modeled life like that?
Giving the impression that everything is okay
While underneath you are always screaming at yourself
Did God sit here
And ask why his life is at the point it was?
Did he break off some rocks
And throw them
Just to smash the soft rock
Just to know he can change something
That he is important
He has some sort of power
Or did God casually sit here
Chewing on plant seeds
Knowing that even if he doesn't know
Everything that is going to happen
He can still get up tomorrow and face it

Fractured shards of a blank mind
Never a true identity
Words fly through these holy nights
And the smallest things change it all

A whispered conversation
A common motif these long nights
Never reaching anything
Always falling short of our ideals

That's the plague of who we are
Insomniac nights have a
Limit to just how much you
Dream another dream

So we limit ourselves now
And we can never truly fail
The gross lie is continued
Our potential is never reached

The cages we build inside
Are a foreign comfort today
And we can fail so much more now
As our effort was not full

blue and gold words float about my head
cherubs for a cause that is lost to the whispers into the night
REM sleep is the flavor of the day
I take too many spoonfuls
tired tired, REM is the opposite of tired
I learned
from a neurologist
who I never met
gluttonous cravings
I want to be so full
when I feel so empty
fathers pride, sisters admonishment
everyone loves a successful doc
except what they leave behind in the suicide doc
waterfalls crash down
my shoulder ache more than a tooth
wound up like an old Calvin and Hobbes
my body is failing me
muscle synapses fire to a random
staccato beat
I have to wonder
am I alive anymore"
or is this part of the play
of me

Words are lodged into the murky water of my mind
Pearls of meaning in the sandy beaches of the pineal gland
Like warm court proceedings
Is this fair? Right?
Did you know that some people
Aren’t groovily depressed
They can leave their rooms
Be real toothed cogs in society
I’m a toothless gear
Spinning with nothing to grip
Spinning my tires in black ice
Freezing in the fields
All I hope for
Is that next years crops use this dead meat
To make something beautiful
Something that can grow
Merry
Something that can live up live up live up
To the things it wants to say
My motif is a sown mouth
With spiders thread

I'm really ****** sick again
Lay time I was sick was last summer
That was the first time I fell in love with you
I wonder what will happen this time
As the stars in the sky shine a bit more dimly
And the moon looks on wth passive sympathy
******* this would be easier if you stayed

All night
Sicker than the day is blue
Not that anyone would notice
Side effect of hiding things for too long
Up with friends
Silly little games
You know how the story goes
Teams, random chance, competition
Some how I ended up next to you
I can't believe I'm about to say this
But I completely forgot about you
We spent a few weeks as friends
But then life got in the way
And the struggle carried on
Leading to the rememberence of those nights
Spent drunk
You were the only one who laughed with me
The one who actually understood all the jokes
Maybe the one who saw behind my glasses
A few hours next to eachother
Maybe we reconnected
Maybe we didn't
But the only thing that changed for tonight
Was that I remembered you
And what you meant to me

Every word sends me into a panic attack
To many interpretations
To many coy smiles
To many partially disguised words
Im playing a game
That I have no idea how to win
Im not quite sure what is going on
All i know
is that when you laugh
i want to see it more
And when you don't
i want to stop altogether

My God, what have I become
Willow tree walking around
Doing what's expected of me
I feel my body failing me
Like it wants me to let go
But I just want to be happy
And I'm not happy
And I don't know why
My God, what have I become
I told on someone for cheating
Because I value the truth
And now I have a target on my back
I can't stop lying to myself
And I don't know why I dreamed
About the creature in my room
But I turned my back
Because I'm too tired to care
I wake up tired
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I can't sleep
I just want some ******* sleep
I don't even want to dream
Please just let me blackout for a few hours
I can barely keep my eyes open
I just want to sleep
Please

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done
I whispered into the night
I never thought my life would turn out like this
I told the darkness enveloping me
I...I just wanted to be happy
I whispered as the darkness blanketed me
Was everything I've done, everything I've written
Worth nothing the end?
I thought as the blissful feeling on nonexistence washed over me
giving some respite until sleep becomes a sickness
and waking becomes the cure

When I was younger
I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to be the main character
this was for a lot of reasons
the two biggest ones were that
I never really felt important enough to anyone to be a main character to them
and main characters usually had happy endings, something that as my life continues on seems to elude me
Sometimes I get the silly idea that this is my destiny
Holed up in the upper layers of a library
Furiously typing these words in order to avoid doing real work
Writing about how I'm not allowed to be happy
That every time I get close to to love or happiness
life gives me a giant *******
and I retreat to the only place where I matter
A lone room in the uppermost floor of a library
But that can't be the case?
I mean, everyones allowed to be happy at some point right?
I can't go through my whole life like this, can I?
I get something for these years of hell
please
please I just want this pain to go away
I don't want a lot out of life
I just want to be happy
Please God or whatever is listening to this
I'm sorry for everything I've done
I'm done with all of this
Please just let me live in peace
Let me be normal
I'll do anything you want me to
Just tell me what to do to be happy
Please
I can't keep going for much longer

Intoxicating thoughts of the world of tommorow
Steamy showers fill the nights
And easy food and liquor
Waking up hungover
Even though I've been sober for a while
Waking up hungry
For anything but food
The days of the future are starting to
Look a lot like the past
Heaving lungs
And swollen heads
Makes me wish
I could have fled