It's night time again , I'm left alone with my thoughts .
It's night time again , it all starts coming back to me .
Felt suffocated inside , came outside feeling overwhelmed, I can't see I can't think , it's insane .
The movies skipped this part , they skipped the blood and the pain , they skipped the rejection and fatigue , they dashed to the happy ending slowing down mine .
Do you really know who I am ? Do you know my name? Can you say my name whilst knowing me .. or do you just say it as a necessity .
Even in my dreams I'm suffocated ..the one time I take a breath of fresh air , a million accidents follow .
God !!I try to breathe , but each breath I take hurts more than the last .
"That's the last time , I'm better now , it won't hurt anymore" lies I tell myself , lying to yourself to convince yourself is pathetic . I'm pathetic.
Why does it hurt so much to breathe ? When will it stop ? Each night passes I look forward to the day the breathing stops , but at what cost ? My breath seizes but sadness befalls those who care ..
My eyes close to never be red and soaked again but their eye rims overflow with tears shed and unshed .
How can a girl feel so much yet so little ? How can one acquire such bags of sadness that increases each step I take ? .
I must have been a ***** in the life before , this must be my eternal damnation, it's all a sick joke .
Rubber slaps my wrist but yet I can't quite make that twist .
What's it gonna take to make that twist ? What's it gonna take to break this curse ? ..  what's it gonna take to lose this breath ? Without bringing tears to the eyes of those who are cursed to love me ? .
Maybe you did something in your life before too , your curse came as me .. mine is eternal damnation , yours is sadness for you love the ****** one  .
If only somebody ,anybody  knows my name while knowing me ! If only while I drowned somebody could actually yell my name , perhaps I wouldn't be gasping for this hurtful air .. perhaps I wouldn't be crying for the breath that hurts me so .
It's funny you know ..  " A man or a bear ? " they ask me ..
How about " A woman and  air ?" What's she to pick ? The one that hurts her .. or the very cause of her sorrows ?
What's she to choose ? Oh how big these responsibilities are but what truly are they ? She doesn't know ! But she feels the pain and is tagged as dramatic !
" Your life's not a movie !!" They say ..
" You cannot always be a victim" they say ,
" Grow up ! You are not a child ! Be mature"
And I stand and wish that I actually saw my life as a movie , then the pain wouldn't feel so real , and the blood wouldn't feel so hot as it dripped , if only my life were a movie , I would have written my happy ending .
So you were wrong , but if perhaps you were right .. then this movie hurts and burns , change it to the next one please .
I'm immature ? maturity would break me , it would **** me with a smile .
Adulthood that I am not yet ready to face , so yes I'm immature and childish , that's the only string connecting me to life .
Come home to my family and oh how they love ... Yet I can't reciprocate , " you can reciprocate by making us proud ! Excel at school as always " .
How do I explain ? How do I explain the change? How do I explain that it's killing me slowly but surely , how do I explain that In order to excel I lose a bit of myself every single day ! But it's not enough , how much more do I have to lose before I breathe ? Is it until there's nothing left ? I'll bet ! .
Then I'd finally excel , with my last painful breath.

Hey , hi , fine .. that's all I ever hear lately .
It's okay ,it's alright you are fine .
It's okay, It's alright , I know .
I don't need the long lines ,
I don't need your epistles , I don't need your lies.  
The more you lie the more I see through them,  the more you hurt me  .
It's okay ,it's alright to hurt me , it's alright to turn away .. I'll turn you back .
It's alright to end the call , I'll call you back .
It's alright to stop talking to me I'll never stop,  am I cool with it? No , does it hurt me ? Yes , will I stop? No ,because it's alright to hurt me , hurt me but never you.  
Hurt me but never yourself,  will I stop ? No why ? Because I'm stubborn like that .
Maybe I like pain , as long as its from you though.  
Hurt me , but never hurt you please , that's all I ask of you .

Hey it's me , I just want you to know that I'm fine , I'm surviving , I'm coping , I'm me .

Hey it's me ... again , I just want you to know nothings changed it's getting better , so no need to worry .

Hey it's me ... ugh again , I just want you to know that you can sleep with a smile , I'm soaring high.

"hello? You there ! You probably tired now" I'll stop soon , stop bugging you , I know how annoying it can be , bye .
Hi it's me , I'm sorry I lied , it's killing me but I lied , I said I was fine but I'm not , I said I was surviving but I don't even know , I said I'm coping but I'm relapsing .

It's nighttime you know ? They are back . They are near , they draw closer as the clock ticks ! Their screams worsen , I'm no longer busy , no longer have anything to occupy my mind with , I'm afraid they are here.
I lied ! Everything has changed , I'm sorry I know lying is bad , I'll probably do it again,

I'm sorry I'm a liar , it's not getting better it's stagnant,  it's watching,  waiting for me, waiting for the trigger , waiting to pounce . I'm sorry I'm a liar.  

I lied I'm not soaring high,  I'm sinking lower with no expression .
It's not your business I know , it's no one's business I know , but it feels like I'm carrying the sorrows of generations , it seems like I'm hearing the cries of my ancestral line ? It feels like the waters of generations fall down my eyes ... sometimes it's painful to cry but i do .

Does this make sense ? One girl can't possibly hear this much, she can't possibly see this much , she can't possibly feel this much .

So yes I lied , I'm not sorry actually cause it's not your business .
I don't know why , I don't know why but it's different this time , it's too calm,  it's becoming too quiet .
I fear for it's return , I fear for how off-balance I'll be thrown .
They keep screaming , I can't shut them up ! Never mind , okay bye now .

The struggles of man , the weight my mind bears , all because I need to breathe .
A breath of air , never truly fresh as you remain in turmoil .
You can never really wash the sins off , especially ones you never committed .
Grave wounds no one can see , but yet we feel it , I feel it , digging deeper it stings , on the surface it's plain .
How do I explain to people ? That my smile hurts more than my frown ?
How do I explain that being around hypocrites snuffs out my light , leaving behind a mortal wound only I can see .
How do I explain that I want to be alone , nursing my inner wounds and hoping for it to heal .
But how do I hope ? When I might just have lost faith .
My tears aren't worth a dime , yet if I had a quarter anytime they threaten to fall I'd be a millionaire.
A man does not cry ! So he doesn't , a woman must not cry so I don't .
I leave it to eat me alive , we leave it to eat us alive .
And then , we are the reflection of who we are on the inside , and I fear - broken . It's broken .

He said he was going out to get milk… and never came back.
What's the true story Mr ? Did they lie or did you ? They say father hood is a blessing yet you ducked like it was a bullet .
You come back waltzing into my life like you didn't dogde it , And now I'm supposed to act like you accepted your blessing ?
Fatherhood is cool so you became uncool ,
A father is his daughters best friend so you chose solitude .
Now you come to me with stories like we are friends but you never wanted a friend .
I hope you are happy Mr because I'm the happiest I can ever be.
I used to stay up at night then you know?
Calling out to you "Still waiting on that milk, Dad." Yet I never once saw the milk , but I bet you saw the cow ! Because I see kids around you drinking lots of it.

Oh watch me wither away in the silence , watch me scream away my pain , my mouth opens yet words fail to tumble .
Oh what does a girl do now ? When the burns of her past catch up with her ? Oh what does a girl do now? As she sits in a corner crying away her sorrow .
So many people pass by , yet for some reason they do not see her pain, they see something else , they see an attitude in place of pain .
How can she tell them ? Tell them that she's tired,  tell them that her body aches !
He passes by , wishes her well but truly doesn't wanna involve himself with whatever is wrong with her , can you blame him ? She's the crazy one , the one who is always stoic , emotionless? Yet why is he always there when she's threatening to fall apart ? .
Oh my girl , what shall we do with this one,  the one who came tumbling down into our life , the one who's absence causes us sadness yet his closeness makes us weary . What shall we do with him ? .
He watches me scream yet he hears My laughter,  he watches me cry yet he sees my smile , The opposite is what I do when he comes around.  
I hope one day ! I'll do what I truly intend , so before I wither away my smile shall be Genuine .