It has been a while since I have wrote my thoughts out.
Perhaps its laziness or perhaps a fear of who I have been in the past.
But, as I stop to pack a few more things from the closet of my mother's home.
A handful made me smile, and made me feel the need to put my thoughts down somewhere.
A few Polaroids and some old notes from a girl who was once my whole world, but haven't talked to in years.
I wish her nothing but happiness, and I am eternally grateful for the happy memories we shared.
A tiny christmas tree small enough to put on a night stand, I remember a night in college that tree in the center of our dorm sitting and laughing with the man who is to this day my closest friend.
And of course the fresh wound.
My fathers golf clubs.
At first it's the happy memory of me and my father putting a golf ball across the small patch of grass behind his trailer drinking beer and enjoying a cool summer breeze.
Inevitably though any memories of my father return to that day just this past July.
Sitting next to the hospital bed clutching his hand and watching light fade from his eyes.
But, that was yesterday.
Today is a day to pack, I need to return home to the woman with whom I share my bed.
Groceries need bought, chores done, cats fed.
And come Monday work will need done a future of my making is calling me forward to each new day.
So for now I'll simply take these old memories and tuck them away.
I didn't intend for the rhymes at the end so that's fun.
I've lost a lot of love and passion.
I replace it with pretending to laugh.
I think too much, but I feel like I act too little.
But I don't know what more I can do.
I don't love her.
But I know she loves me.
I don't know how I will get there.
But I know where I want to be.
I'm fine my life is good.
I worry much more than I should.
I think I'm just scared of what's next.
I'm young though, I still have a lot of nexts to go
Just wanted to write down what's been swimming in my head.
Life is good.
Yet I feel uneasy.
Maybe I'm concerned about where I'll be next year.
Maybe I'm concerned because I can take the family I've found here with me.
I feel like it will work out.
In fact I'm positive it will.
I just don't know how.
Or why I'm so confidant.
I guess that's why I'm uneasy...
It's been awhile since I've written for me.
It's to the point I don't know how well I recognise the guy who wrote constantly.
A lot has changed...
I fell into love.
Which nearly fell into abuse.
I got a "dream job".
But if I take it I'll be homeless.
I made some great friends.
Who all hate each other.
Through it all I don't know if it's any better than where I was.
It is definitely newer though.
I feel like I've been blessed with opportunity.
And I've never been more terrified.
But nothing great was ever accomplished by someone who was always comfortable.
When the people of this earth are all gone.
The floating rock will still spin on.
Trees will grow where we once laid our streets.
And all the problems I once had.
All the things we thought were good or bad.
Will be just a faint mark on the floating rock.
A single spark lost like all the others in the dark.
And while I believe my soul will be more.
This much I know for sure.
And that's that if I want to be remembered on this floating rock.
Then I should spend my life making it a better rock.
Because while we each only have a little spark.
It just takes one kind spark to light up the dark.
Living isn't really living if you have nothing to live for.
Living without living for something is just surviving.
Breathing air and getting nutrients don't feed who you are.
Only what you are.
And in my life I live for many things.
Some I still live for.
Others fade away in time.
But in the end its all life.
And one day we won't have it anymore.
So maybe for a few months at least we could all stop just surviving.
And try to start living.
I stand at the edge between fire and life.
I'm forced to watch as the fire consumes what little is left.
I'm forced to sit and watch as others add to this fire.
While those same people expect me to put it out.
Thankfully I'm not alone.
But even with all our buckets we barely keep it at bay.
Maybe more people will help when their homes are blown away.
For now though I settle with these few and do our best to keep the fire away.
I'll see you again.
For now though I'll just play pretend.
That your sitting in one of the planes that we see flying overhead.
On your way to a foreign land.
I know I make you nervous.
You've told me that much.
Because when you're with me you forget about him.
While I try to ignore how easy it would be for our lips to touch.
You said this summer you would try to forget about me.
I guess it's because he gives you safety.
And I guess I'm a bit of a leap.
So guess I'll try to forget about you too.
But I'll admit that's not easy to do.
When every-time I close my eyes all I see are your sky blue's
Hallways to a home I'll soon inherit.
They keep telling me that the only downside to the life I've chosen.
Is constant motion.
Maybe an older wiser me will complain.
But for now I'll keep getting ready.
Because if these roads are my hallways.
Then I can't wait to see the rest of this home.
I want to thank-you.
For reminding me all I need on this earth is my life, faith, and dream.
I'm sure you'll think I'm mad.
But that couldn't be further from true.
Because I never needed you.
I just hope you understand you don't need me too.
Besides we both have more important things to do.
I take it slow.
I prefer to ride the current.
Drifting along as it ebbs and flows.
Only with you though of course.
Because the rest of my life is more like a tornado.
And I just do my best to to make sense of a mess.
But it was in that storm that I really began to grow.
Don't tell me you're a follower of God.
If you can't spare a dollar for the man on the street.
Who bled for the war that you said we needed.
Which led to the exodus of the innocents that you now claim are heathens.
Which was sparked by a heating world caused by your people.
Who drilled into this planet to make billions of the dollars that you can't give to the man on the street.
If I'm never king of anything.
If I fail to save the world.
If I never meet the one.
I'll still be a success if I manage to leave with no regrets.
I know I'll never stop trying to be better than I was yesterday.
Sometimes though all I want to do is nothing.
I don't know if that is wrong or not.
Sometimes I feel too much.
Sometimes nothing at all.
I'll keep trying though.
Because if I can't help me.
Maybe I can help someone else.
And I like to think that some days that's all I'll need.
Words and such
Drugs and alcohol never gave me the buzz I wanted them to.
But I'll keep taking them anyways.
Only because I want to.
I just don't want to feel like in order to play the keys or write out my mind.
Even if it means retraining myself to focus on something else.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be a drunk like my father if I were anymore blind.
And I guess the answer is yes.
And I think now is the time to wake up from my rest.
Before I start to forget.
I'm in love with a dying world.
My dream is to save a world my fathers generation set fire to.
Probably doomed to failure.
Maybe these words I write could help.
God knows they're better than the ones I speak.
Though real poetry still manages to escape me.
Unless I put it to a beat.
Maybe add a few chords to get people off they're feet.
Or maybe stretch it to a few hundred pages and really give people something to read.
You're the kind of person that makes me want to lay around listening to Hendrix and Clapton while we talk about who we want to be.
You make it hard for me to write you poetry.
I feel like the only way I could tell you what I mean is through the strings of a guitar or on the ivory keys.
Because words aren't enough to make sense of what I see.
It's like two in the morning, I have **** to do, and I don't give a single bother.
So much to do and so little time.
I feel like soon I may need to refresh my mind.
Though right now I'm getting by pretty well.
I feel like I'm getting better everyday though at what I can't tell.
Maybe I'm just getting better at being myself.
And I feel like that's all I ever really needed.
I quit smoking because I thought it was pushing the people I thought mattered away.
I quit sleeping around because I thought I found people who wouldn't judge me on how often I get laid.
So why do I still feel like I am getting pushed away.
I'm pretty sure it's all in my head.
But in away that scares me more.
I act bold to hide how afraid I am.
I act smart to hide how little I know.
I don't want to act anymore.
I don't think I fooled the people who mattered anyway.
I've discovered what this town was missing for me.
Family who loves me.
Not simply because we were born of same blood.
But because they choose me to love.
And I think I may have finally found that.
Which will make it all the harder when my tail-lights brighten the dust on this town for the last time.
Because I know without a doubt in my mind.
When I'm really gone... Then I'm gone for good.
But maybe; just maybe I've found my reason to make a visit home.
The devil's in the details.
A family, fame, and retail.
It all seems so simple till you try to grasp it.
And we watch the news laughing at the people who fail.
While terrified in knowing we're all only hanging by the tips of our nails.
Yet so much more lost we'd all be if we hadn't snatched it.
Maybe that's when life starts change we tend to go pale.
Cause its not the big picture we're scared of, because the devil's in the details
I only smoke when I drink.
Just like I only live when I think.
Just like I only love when I get on the brink of losing my mind.
So I guess that's not love then.
I know I've loved before, but I'm not sure if I knew then.
I know I love who I am and what I'm working to.
But I don't know if I'll ever love you.
I guess the beautiful thing is that I could.
I don't know if I want to though.
Because everyone I've ever opened to either accepted me.
Or ran away.
And the one thing I know for sure is I don't want you to run away.
And lately I've been really feeling like a good smoke could clear my head.
But I only smoke when I drink.
And when I drink I don't think.
And when I don't think I don't live.
And to be honest that's all I really want to do right now.
But in order to die you must be alive.
So as long as air still fills your lungs, be free.
Don't dwell on the rainy days.
Because it can't rain forever.
And if you feel like you're is trapped in a never-ending rainstorm.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Probably not from me though, because god knows I have no idea what I'm doing.
I don't want to be a thought on your mind.
I want to be a memory you can smile about as you're trying to fall asleep.
At midnight I drove.
No real intention of coming home.
While I was home though I thought I saw her.
I thought I talked to you.
Half the time I was so ****** ****** though so I'm not even sure.
People use Love like a drug.
To get high off of someone else like they were made just to pleasure you.
And too often I see innocent hearts taken and broken because they don't understand.
And I have to admit that I've been on both ends, and I can say assuredly nothing will ever stop it.
I can offer some advice though, if you could call it that.
Define yourself by your passion.
Not those who you are passionate for.
For you are not them and they are not you.
You are not two half's to a whole, but instead two whole's to a team.
Coming from a man who occasionally does love and drugs.
To say I'm stressed would be an understatement.
But then again who isn't.
Every person cradles their problems in their hands and their scars on their backs.
Often unaware that the person next to them caring a similar load.
That is not to say anyone's problems mean less than another's.
Just that everyone has them.
And sometimes people need help to carry them.
I have many goals in life, places to see, land to save, pieces to write, and people to Love.
But I will do my best to always be there to help someone carry a load.
Not because I think I'm a saint.
But because I've felt weight that I couldn't bare alone.
You took us from our beds so that we may heat yours.
An act which in moderation we were always happy to carry out.
But your greed was too great
Your burn what took a millennium to build.
So now we will burn your world.
And many of you will cast blame on us.
When the truth of the matter is the shame should be yours to carry.
Because you see hell was our home.
So when your world is covered in ash and smoke.
We will once again be home.
This could have been so easy on me.
No need for second guessing or checking myself.
No need to impress what does want to be impressed.
But you gave me maybe.
And I guess that gave me hope.
Because you could have gave me no.
I can deal with maybe.
I've never met someone quite so hard to read.
Yet I want to read every page.
I want to know your story, know who you are.
Though I'm willing to bet no matter how far I take this.
You'll always have something more to show me.
That is if you'll let me see.
Because though I feel so comfortable with you.
I haven't been this nervous in years.
Sure yet so unsure.
Because when it comes down to it, you and I haven't learned much about each other.
But I've learned that I want to.
I've never been good at this part.
To often I feel like the stress of life gets the best of me.
Whether it's work that needs done or bills that need paid.
That's the stress I can deal with though.
The kind I can throw on my back and carry till it wastes away from my mind.
But lately I've had a stress of a different kind.
Sometimes I wish I could just say what I feel.
And that others could do the same.
And that acceptance and forgiveness weren't so rare a thing.
And that pretty girls with blonde hair weren't so **** confusing.
Hey again everyone once again I should preface this by saying this is not a poem, but instead an update relating to the fact my book is now available on i-tunes at https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/id1046409177? Like I said before I completly understand if you don't wish to purchase it, but if you enjoy my writing or just writing done by younger authors in general it would mean a lot to me if a few would be willing to pass this around.
I should start this off by saying this isn't a poem, but I figured f you guys follow me for my poetry you may be interested in the book I wrote. You can find it here http://www.blurb.com/ebooks/547502-the-new-breed and on apple bookstore in a few days. Even if you don't want to buy it I would greatly appreciate if you could share this around. Much Love to all.
Light peaks through these eyes.
Bright with life, at looking to something more.
Or maybe just something regular.
You know because as much as I fear the word Love.
It often occurs to me that just don't know what is.
I know I've given and been given it.
But I never really stopped long enough to see what it was.
And I don't know why I'm writing about Love at 2:30 in the morning.
I guess I want to share something with someone to keep us from losing touch.
My eyes feel glazed over like a steam covered mirror.
I don't really care if you think you see me clearer.
Than she did.
Because you won't be here long.
I'd hate to hurt you, but I don't need any tie downs right now.
Then again maybe I do, but I don't think that's you.
I don't mean to be cold.
I don't feel that I am.
My priorities are just set in front of me.
Because I can't be like my brother and wait for **** to be done for me.
Life is beautiful even when it breaks your mind.
Unnecessary stress and tired eyes derived from nothing really.
At least nothing that would have lasted.
Then again we tend to care the most for the things that don't last.
Or maybe its just me.
It doesn't matter anymore really.
Nothing but water under the bridge.
Eyes already looking to something new while trying not to distance you.
Because I wouldn't mind if you changed yours.
Or at least if your going to continue to be in my apartment don't act like its weird that I'm here.
What I should be saying though is don't be surprised when someone new arrives.
Because I've had enough waiting this time.
Sort of rambley.
I wish I could tell you how messed up I feel.
But last time I did that they left permanently.
So I'll just pretend like I don't feel.
And let life go on as if it meant nothing to me.
Maybe I'll get lucky and get a one night stand or two with you.
But if you ever read this just know, I care more than I let you think I do.
This is why I said no more love poems.
To be honest I don't know what I expected.
Maybe just for something different.
Or maybe something that made me feel a little more.
I guess knew this would happen I'm mean a senior and a sophomore.
Right people wrong time.
It seems to be a reoccurring theme for me.
Maybe I should just **** around again and let myself be free.
But then at the same time you actually meant something to me.
Even though I don't know what it was.
Doesn't matter now though I guess.
Because I refuse to let myself become a mess.
I feel like I've already grown from this.
I just hope I haven't grown too cold from this.
Though at the center I know its still me.
Maybe that's what I need.
Someone who thinks more like me.
This is why I said no more love poems.
From time to time I walk to the rivers edge to think.
Of everywhere I've been.
And all the places I'm going.
Or at least all the places I want to go.
And I stand there and think of how I got there.
How much I've had to grow.
This Summer, this Year, and all the other Years I've been alive.
And I don't really mean growing older.
Even though I guess I have, to a point at least.
I just mean how much I've actually grown.
How I've grown apart from people I once loved only to grow towards people I've just met.
How I've grown into knowing who I am.
How I've grown into my passions.
And as I stand there watching the current go by.
I can't help but wonder how much more I'll grow before I finally say goodbye.
I also think to myself how weird I must look standing on the river bank staring at the water for like twenty minutes.
Bones eventually will break.
Skin eventually will tear.
If young love can't learn to stay young then eventually it will die.
But what you believe.
Your passions and dreams.
Only you can decide when they break.
This is what I've learned to believe.
So the next time I breakdown.
Everything I'm building now won't fall with me.
I'm all out of love poems.
At least for right now.
Though I could talk of an English girl whose heart I had to refuse.
Or the girl with fire hair.
Who in spite of summer heat I managed to stay true.
For right now I'm all out of love poems at least until I see you.
I've spent the last month of my life teaching children to respect the earth.
I don't know how much truly got through.
What I do know though is that some times it's the smallest seeds that give rise to the greatest trees.
And that gives me hope.
Lets dance over the phone to different songs.
Lets be drunk criminals and vandalize some condemned house.
Lets forget the fact that you graduate two years before me.
Lets be stupid together.
Because every-time I try to be smart, to think things like this through.
I always end up watching them break.
And I'm not saying we won't.
I'm just saying lets ignore it till we have to.
And then wake up the morning after with no regrets.
Just like the first night we were together.
Sometimes it takes running shirtless through the rain.
To remind you what living in the moment means.
I dreamt of you two nights in a row.
We were happy in both.
I suppose that means something.
Two months to go.
I'm busier everyday, and I know you are too.
But I still find plenty of time to miss you.
Is it weird that I want summer to end?
Or at least go by quicker, just for me.
So I can fall asleep smiling.
With ***** on my tongue and reddish blonde hair laying across my chest.
Is this too sappy? It feels really sappy.
6 months till I decided it was time to make my move.
5 parties till I finally got close to you.
8 drinks till I worked up the nerve to talk to you.
20 minutes of talking till I found out you wanted me too.
1 night to realize that this is for sure what I wanted us to do.
Now its going to be 3 months till you come home.
And you wondered why I laughed when you were worried I wouldn't wait for you.
Isn't life beautiful.
How one minute you're taking off your lovers shirt wondering how you two will make it work.
And the next you wake in some new girls arms and you wonder why your head reminds you of a drum.
Isn't life wonderful.
How one minute you're writing ****** poetry to people who don't know your name.
And the next you have agents reading over your first book deciding whether or not they want your soul.
Isn't it life amazing
How one minute you leave your home to a place where you feel alone.
And the next you realize you feel more at home there than laying in your own bed.
Isn't life exciting.
How one minute you can be madly in love.
And the next you realize that you can't really love someone else until you love yourself.
Life is something.
I finally got a job, but it can't pay for my rent.
I finally got a girl, but in a week she'll be a thousand miles away.
I finally made real friends, but already they have built a wall between each-other.
I finally thought I had my **** together, but it turns out I dropped just as much as I picked up.
And its my truest belief that all this has happened for a reason.
And that the only thing to do now is have faith and wait.
Because I know that no matter how many plates I stack on in the gym.
I'll never be strong enough to carry this all by myself.
I almost got shot today.
But now she thinks I'm a rebel.
That still wouldn't have been worth it though.
Over-thinking is my specialty.
But you'll know that soon enough.
You told me today that you're afraid of being let down again.
Well you should know that so am I.
When I asked you to get us ***** tonight you asked me how we function.
Well the truth is I don't know.
What I do know though is that when I see you my mind goes numb.
And I get lost in your smile.
But you'll know that soon enough.