I'm in love with a dying world.
My dream is to save a world my fathers generation set fire to.
Probably doomed to failure.
Maybe these words I write could help.
God knows they're better than the ones I speak.
Though real poetry still manages to escape me.
Unless I put it to a beat.
Maybe add a few chords to get people off they're feet.
Or maybe stretch it to a few hundred pages and really give people something to read.
It's incredible how far I've come to make it to right now.
All those times I should have died.
All the times when I thought my world could not go on.
But I haven't died my world keeps spinning.
And through all this madness the only earthly thing that I've found is certain.
Is that nothing is certain.
And despite this the world moves on and people move with it.
So I don't see why we can't be friends.
That's how far I made it today.
I have survived 18 years and now I'm considered an adult.
But that doesn't matter.
Age doesn't determine maturity.
Neither do cigarettes, ****, or gambling.
I don't exactly know what determines maturity.
But what I do know is that growing up is over rated.
Almost like trying to be well liked or trying to impress my father.
Just another thing to add to the basket of **** I no longer give a **** about.
Happy birthday to me.
Sometimes it takes running shirtless through the rain.
To remind you what living in the moment means.
Because why not.
No where to be.
No one to please.
Except for me.
And her I guess.
The girl of summer back for more.
I don't know if I can be who she wants.
Hell I wasn't really before.
I'll tell you what I won't do.
I won't over-think.
In fact I might just let the passion overwhelm me.
Because why run from something.
When I can just regret it in the morning.
I could use a nap.
6 months till I decided it was time to make my move.
5 parties till I finally got close to you.
8 drinks till I worked up the nerve to talk to you.
20 minutes of talking till I found out you wanted me too.
1 night to realize that this is for sure what I wanted us to do.
Now its going to be 3 months till you come home.
And you wondered why I laughed when you were worried I wouldn't wait for you.
But in order to die you must be alive.
So as long as air still fills your lungs, be free.
Don't dwell on the rainy days.
Because it can't rain forever.
And if you feel like you're is trapped in a never-ending rainstorm.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Probably not from me though, because god knows I have no idea what I'm doing.
I act bold to hide how afraid I am.
I act smart to hide how little I know.
I don't want to act anymore.
I don't think I fooled the people who mattered anyway.
I suspect a fight in my future.
If what you told me is true.
Once we come together as one.
Then that boy who once called you his Love will try to come back for you.
I don't want to fight because I don't want to scare you.
By showing you the side of me that loves the sound of crunching bones.
But I will not back down.
Because I lost you once many years ago.
I'm not about to let that happen again.
I used to write for Love
Then I wrote for me
Now I write because I need everyone to see
I dug a plot from the corners of my mind and made a word to shape
I filled it with names I used to know of people I used to see
I created life on paper so I could build myself a new one
This is how I'll run away
And with only 37000 words to go
My dreams get closer everyday
Jake's novel writing 101: Coffee, ***, and Netflix. Though contrary to popular belief are all a necessary part of the process.
I knew this was coming I could feel it.
Whenever we were side by side I felt it could work, but we both already knew.
And that's okay because when I look up the sky is still blue.
The sun is still shining.
And yes I'll miss you, but I can survive.
This won't be like last time.
Because this isn't a trip to the past.
It's a whole new chapter.
And I wish best of luck to **you.
A year ago today it was me and her.
That girl who inadvertently started all of this.
I remember walking down her street talking about Oreo's I think.
I remember I was happy I think.
I remember a few weeks later when she tore my heart from my chest.
I remember a few months later when I finally got over her.
I remember it in a fit of yelling and rage.
I remember being able to see clearly.
I remember I was I happy I think.
I remember rekindling an old flame a few weeks later.
I remember sitting in a field by a pond.
I remember dancing in a kitchen.
I remember saying "I love you"
I remember I was happy I think.
I remember a month or two later when I had to leave her behind.
I remember starting fresh.
I remember hot coffee and long nights.
But I also remember teaching myself to sleep.
I remember the first chapter of my first book.
I remember I was happy I think.
I remember the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
I guess today is the day for remembering the year, and looking forward to the next.
I look back and I see pain, and tears, and some minor alcohol abuse.
But I also see joy, and new friends, and the fresh air I so desperately needed.
I ****** up a lot in 2014 and if I had the option to go back and change it.
I would decline.
Because right now I'm happy... At least I think.
Happy new year or some **** like that.
Everyday I hear that train whistle blow.
Every morning I'm awoken by the sound of construction.
And every night I walk to the beat of the music flowing from the bars.
But even with all this background noise I can still hear.
That quiet whisper that brought me here.
But all it seems to want to say.
Is keep going.
My lack of confidence in myself is a weight I feel I'll always carry.
Its not like I don't have courage, but its like watered down whiskey.
It still has the burn, but it takes a minute to hit me.
They say if you work hard enough you can do anything you want to.
But every time that I try something new.
It always has the same outcome, ashes and smoke.
Like my attempts at creating something to be remembered by, are nothing but a ******* joke.
So excuse me if I'm not as confident as I try to appear.
Sometimes I guess I just get lost in my own fear.
That I'll end up like my father with no job and no life.
To be left with nothing, but two kids and a ******* ex-wife.
I once thought love was the reason why I wanted to write.
Now I realize I do it just so I can sleep better at night.
Because pixels and pens gave me a confidence I've never had before.
I might not be ready to make that jump yet, but I'm getting closer that's for sure.
Its so easy to say someones wrong.
To call another out for all their faults.
To look down on someone because they wear all black.
Or because they sit on the corner and talk like gangstas.
Its so easy to judge someone just because they don't believe in a God.
Or because they're unashamed to walk with their lover, even though they're the same gender.
Its so easy to fit these people with labels.
Instead of looking at them as they are.
As Sons and Daughters.
As Mothers and Fathers.
As Sisters and Brothers.
Yes its easy to hate.
And you'll be at church every Sunday morning....
But the party every Saturday night.
Because while its easy to hate its hard to look for the wrong in yourself.
Now don't get me wrong I believe that Christ came and died for me and you.
But if you actually read that book you love to quote so much.
You would know he came for them too.
So who do you think will go home with him when our eyes finally close?
The atheist that preaches love?
Or the priest who preaches hate?
I suppose only God knows.
I stand in my doorway tears stinging my eyes as I bite them back.
I look around the room it's full of my demons bloodied and bruised.
They stare at me shocked at what I had done and yet they still smile.
Because they know I haven't won that I'll never win.
What gives someone the right to cause another pain.
To shout hateful things at me and her.
Because she left you.
And because she chose me.
I understand the pain, but you've gone too far.
Its for her sake I'm not tracking down your home now.
Because she has learned to calm my rage.
I was once in your shoes only a few months ago.
And I'll be the first to admit I may have overstepped then.
But never to this level, I never insulted her or her honor.
No matter how upset I got.
But you intend to go even further.
You want me to pay.
I say bring it on *****.
My demons want to play.
I cut open my own head to examine my thoughts.
"What the **** are you thinking you know this can't work"
But in reality I don't know.
In fact I don't know much of anything.
But one thing I do know is life is short.
And two years from now I'll laugh at myself for being so blind.
Assuming I make it that far.
I don't want to be a thought on your mind.
I want to be a memory you can smile about as you're trying to fall asleep.
Sometimes I think I can move on find someone else and be happy.
Its obvious that's what you want me to do.
But when I see your face those thoughts fly away and all I want is to pull you close and press my lips to yours.
So why the **** am I suddenly so nervous when I want to talk to you.
Those who say they have direction are delusional.
Because if anyone knew where they were going, then they would already be there.
Though at least we all know where we'll end.
And those pearly gates come faster than you think.
So when you're checking your compass.
Make sure you don't blink.
I don't know if it's really much of a statement.
I guess its just letting go of another thing that was holding me back.
It's something I've been getting better at.
One thing I haven't gotten better at is getting this girl off my mind.
Because I know she's bad for me.
Probably way more than the smoke ever was.
I'll admit that hurt.
But hey I've been hit harder than that and if you think I'm gonna back down.
Then let me reintroduce myself.
I'm the guy who would drop everything just because you needed some one to talk to.
I'm the guy who held you as you burst randomly into tears.
I'm the guy who kicked himself every day for not noticing you sooner.
And I'm the guy who is willing to put these feelings aside in public to be friends with you because I don't want to lose you.
You may not write about me, but nearly all these poems are for you.
This is what I meant when I said a more constructive way of dealing with my feelings.
Its not like I don't sleep.
Then why does it look like I haven't seen a bed in months.
I'd say it's you keeping me up at night, but they were there first.
It must be that my teenage soul leaves my body while I sleep and parties with the skeletons in my closet.
That would explain why we're always out of chips.
Ever sense I was young I remember wanting a simple life.
A family a good job and a simple kind of happiness.
But you came along and changed my view.
Now I refuse to become another mindless drone.
And the shoes on my feet will be my only true home.
And though my life has changed to a different point of view.
One thing that hasn't changed is how I feel about you.
She comes ever closer to me.
It seems like everyday I'm gripped tighter and tighter by her Love.
And I don't mind at all.
In fact the closer she gets the happier I've been starting to become.
But still closer the day comes when I leave this town behind.
I tell her that I'll come back to see her, that we can make this work.
But sometimes I wonder if the girl I once wrote to was right.
So as she grips tighter I brace myself.
Because I know first hand.
The tighter you grip the harder it is to let go.
I've been directed my whole life.
I always thought I knew what I wanted.
But now I question if its really just what they wanted.
Because the only thing I want from life anymore is happiness.
And that doesn't give me time for much else.
I often get knocked off course.
Stuck in places where I don't want to be.
And no matter how many times this happens I never seem to catch on.
Because these are the places where I tend to find the people who end up meaning so much to me.
I'm glad you got stuck with me.
I know what I must seem like to you.
A chance that maybe you're not ready to take.
If this is the case then let me show you the cracks from when I was broken.
Because I don't know what the future holds.
But I think you should know even the worst scars eventually heal.
And I want you to know that some of those cracks healed because of you.
You accepted me.
Despite all my faults, my young rage, my corruption, my demons.
You accepted me.
But more than that you still desired me.
And I don't know exactly how this will all work out.
But I'm done over-thinking it.
I never have truly liked myself.
Its why I work so hard to improve, but still I fall short.
But in your presence I don't think of my short comings.
Thank-you for that
Darling does it hurt you to know how low our chances are?
Do you regret saying yes when I asked you to be with me?
Are you ashamed of all the Love you have shown to me?
If it does hurt don't worry because if we break it was meant to be.
My only prayer is that you can forget me.
I'm told it's easy.
I want to thank-you.
For reminding me all I need on this earth is my life, faith, and dream.
I'm sure you'll think I'm mad.
But that couldn't be further from true.
Because I never needed you.
I just hope you understand you don't need me too.
Besides we both have more important things to do.
Don't be sad for me because I'm broken because I'm not.
I put myself back together by myself as my friends handed me the pieces.
And when I could stand again they all said it was time to leave.
I thanked them all, but told them no.
Because I wanted to stay not because I have too.
The ones that understood are still with me the rest left in disgust.
But they don't matter the ones who stayed do because they saw the Love.
They still don't know why I wait...I wonder if you do.
Its funny how the people who share my blood were the first to come to save me and the first to leave in disgust because they expected the boy who was asleep not the one who woke up.
The journey inside my mind is not one to take without caution.
So if you have a weak stomach I suggest you go back the way you came.
Because it only gets more ****** up from here.
Let the wind catch my shirt.
Carry me somewhere I do not recognize.
Leave me be to my own devices.
Away from all my worldly vices.
Let me forget my lovers of the past and not look forward to those who will hold my love in the future.
Just let me drift tonight through my thoughts of both pain and delight.
Until my eyes are ****** to the mornings light.
I think I need some sleep.
I thought to myself as I watched lightning dance across the sky north of my town.
"They must be getting really pounded up there."
But where I stood it was dry and no lightning threatened my light night walk.
So I carried on.
I never really plan these walks, I've never wanted to.
And there is no doubt in my mind.
That everyone I know spots me from time to time.
Old friends, relatives to whom I rarely speak, the black lipped girl I used to write about.
And sometimes I wonder what they think of me as I walk along.
But then my mind jumps away to other thoughts.
And its not even that I don't care which is usually the case.
It's just because on my walks I never go backwards.
I've discovered what this town was missing for me.
Family who loves me.
Not simply because we were born of same blood.
But because they choose me to love.
And I think I may have finally found that.
Which will make it all the harder when my tail-lights brighten the dust on this town for the last time.
Because I know without a doubt in my mind.
When I'm really gone... Then I'm gone for good.
But maybe; just maybe I've found my reason to make a visit home.
This whole year felt like a dream.
It was as if I watched myself grow older from behind a silver screen.
A bad movie with an uncertain ending.
I suppose I can't complain too much though.
I did help write the script.
Its as much a part of me as razor blades are to you.
Though I don't try to stay away because I'm not hurt by the burn.
For me its my escape my window to somewhere where its not quite so cold.
Maybe that's why I carry my matches with me just in case I need to.
Fireball whiskey and cinnamon toast crunch.
Laughter and stolen glances.
That could have turned into stolen kisses given half a chance.
It'll just be for a second.
Because that's all this life is it ends so quickly.
So I wonder what you would say if I asked with you to Dance with me.
I don't mind being forgotten.
In fact I've grown so used to it I do it myself.
I no longer remember the touch of any past lover.
And I'm happy with that.
I'm glad that I was finally able to shut that door to my past.
But today I walked in my room and on an impulse I guess.
I walked over to the little nightstand beside my bed.
I opened that top drawer and pushed the clutter out of the way.
And carefully I took out the little orange and white origami flower ball that was so carefully made just for me all those years ago.
And I smile.
And I put it back.
That's enough memories for one day.
I had almost forgotten that I knew how to be happy alone.
But then again even when no one else is around.
I still have meaningful talks with the voices in my head.
I don't think I'm crazy, but anything is possible.
That's all I've ran on today.
But I feel refreshed, and alive.
Last night I was blessed, I was surrounded by people who burned with passion.
I wrote until my mind ached and my eyes refused to look at the screen.
And I fell asleep with a sore back and blood on my hands.
And yet despite my mind and body drained I feel so awake.
Maybe it was just seeing the smile I managed to put on her face.
My breath reeks of coffee and my hands are stained with ink.
I can't remember the last time I was this content.
But I would like to keep it this way.
For now at least.
I'll never miss the building.
And I'll only miss a few of the people in it.
To one of those people, if our paths don't cross again before I leave this town in dust.
I wish you best of luck.
I never used to feel comfortable in my own skin.
If I wasn't hating the way I looked in the mirror, then I was feeling ashamed of the way I could never manage to speak my mind.
But now when I see my reflection I've learned to smile at what I see.
And when someones trying to shove their hate down my throat, I've learned to spit my own right back in their face.
Blame it on the girl, or blame it on the *****.
It doesn't really matter to me.
I'm just happy that I can finally fill my own shoes.
I tend to be the only one who laughs at my jokes.
Not because I think I'm funny.
It's because the voices in my head find it hysterical when I'm the fool.
I'll never forget the day you stopped laughing with me.