You still feel like a long time ago

I shiver in the streetlight of my final now.

Right now, simultaneously being the last time I wait to sleep,
And the first time I fear its arrival.

It is not that I fear being forgotten.
It is that I fear never doing something worth remembering.

A deathbed is too fragile for the hard truth that the last door closed to me will be my casket.

The streetlight flickers.

Peace with this last present is a timeless question,
And I have given it pieces of me I have yet to give myself.

The streetlight flickers.

It will have to be enough.

don’t worry,
i’m okay.
i just have to
be sad
sometimes.
to draw myself
back into my head
and make sure
everything’s working correctly.

mental illness is the
most expensive thing
i've ever owned but
never wanted

And what does it mean when the rush of the fall comes with the acceptance that you could - and probably will - crash, but you leap regardless?

And what does it mean when her silence is the second loudest sound after your heartbeat?

And what does it mean when you realize you've never dreamt of having one?

And what does it mean when you have the same dream again and again with different faces?

And what does it mean when her face is the form, and the form is the dream?

And what does it mean when you realize hers is just the latest to fill the form?

And what does it mean when you wish the hurt of the dream over the truth of the day?