tonight feels infinitesimal so i curl at your feet like roadkill, dead but still full of hunger. i tell you in tears that i can't stop wishing myself away. what do you do to this feeling? how do you punish your pessimism without getting sick on the carpet? everything always takes me back to your eyes. and i cant stop thinking about the decay of all of it, the things i can't even remember. i am still hungry. there's a bearskin rug by the door. you eat fruit to the rind and you smoke to the filter and i love you more when you leave the cabinets unlocked. thank you, for all the horror.

i need to have the earth on a skewer because i am nothing special. i am a harmless child, learning to twist up my tongue and articulate, so i need to grip these men in the palm of my hand. i need to scream until my bones twitch. this summer the edges of my world are going to meet and all the stars will fall flat. and it'll be all my fault. and i will smile so hard my lips will split. this summer i am turning backwards and nothing will ever be the same. take me back into your skin. cover me with a sheet and keep stabbing.

god makes no mistakes, god circles your drain, god looks just like you.
god put his face in my hands, i dont want remember the questions i was asked.
i remember the heat of a church in august,
repeating scriptures as my knees ache against the **** carpet.
i learned that god doesnt pressure the sick ones, he only breaks beneath it. i am salvaging the consolation of knowing these things.
i cherish him with my fingernails,
and i shake like an exhausted child.
i am trying my best to shake this swirling from my mind.
hallowed be my breath my eyes my insides,
because i cant seem to stop believing in you so i am proving myself the only way i can.
flailing, wrecking, losing.

clutching onto ****** bedsheets,
i woke up in paralysis,
petrified by silence next to frequencies
repeating in my ears like a killer headache.
my body was stuck in a pale green buzz:
sickly and menacing and groggy.
i wanted nothing more than this,
for i had fallen ill,
and i could not escape it.
hands down my throat, mud in my lungs,
i blacked out underneath my shallow breath
decaying and dilapidated,
dying with every second.

i am the toxins
melting into my brain.
i am drunk, i am midnight, i am destructiveness.
i want to be better,
not because you told me to,
but because i'm still melted in the melancholy
seeping out of my flesh
and dripping in between my fingers.
i want to be better
because the crushed up powder
still lingers on my hands
like fingerprints at a crime scene,
and it's slipping through the cracks in my skin.
i want to be clean and kind,
i want to be carnival lights and sweetness.
i want you to see me sober again
and i want you to know that i'm sorry.

cough syrup runs through my body,
taking the place of my blood
and settling like sand in my stomach.
if only you could see
my candy coated intestines
and the garbage in my bone marrow,
eating away at my body.
with wires and dirt and smoke,
i have destroyed this vessel,
only to wake up the next day
disturbed a little bit more.